I really don't know where to start. I have been wanting to blog for a couple of weeks now but for one, just haven't took the time to do it and for 2 (the biggest reason), I feel like anytime I talk about infertility these days, people think we are still miserable and can't move on. First and foremost, let me get this all out in the open before I get started. We continue to do great with the infertility monster. I am still amazed at how strong we are and how we have handled knowing it will never happen. Yes, if you consider it still being difficult to look at other peoples babies "struggling" with infertility and "not letting it go" then yes, we still struggle but to me, that doesn't mean that we are still whining, moping and crying daily about infertility. I will again say, no one will ever understand it until they have been placed into our situation. If you look down on us or think that we are bad people because we don't want to see your child or talk about your child, then so be it. That is honestly your problem, not ours. Us distancing ourselves from people with babies has made it easier to accept so for now, we will continue doing so because we have to do what is best for us to continue helping us to heal and stay in the right mindset at this time.
In fact, I just found something on someone else's blog that really hits the nail on the head for how I have been feeling about that whole situation.
"One of the biggest things that we struggle with during infertility is
feeling alienated. We feel left out of the "baby mama" club. We feel lost and
lonely. It is hard to know where we fit in...in a world where everyone we
know is husband, wife and little ones.
To protect our hearts, we sometimes distance ourselves from the people
we love...especially when they are pregnant and have new babies. Mostly because
it hurts too much. Seeing their pregnant bellies and precious new babies is a
constant reminder of our continued failure. Of our inability to conceive the
one thing that we have dreamt about our entire lives.
It drudges up the hurt that we've felt over all of our years of
infertility...the tears, the damage to our marriage, the pain of medical
procedures and shots, all the failed cycles. We relive the disappointment and
sadness of every negative pregnancy test. We think of all of the experiences of
pregnancy and motherhood that we may never get to experience.
But our real friends, don't give up on us. They cut us some slack
and they seek to understand rather than judge. They love us through our struggle
and try to put themselves in our shoes. Even though they'll truly never
understand how devastating infertility is without going through it
themselves."
Wow, I feel like that just said everything perfectly. The sad thing is, most people don't cut us infertiles slack and seek to understand us or event try to put themselves in our shoes. That is part of why it is just easier to distance ourselves from the world.
With all of that being said, as I have more infertiles reaching out to me and saying Thank You for expressing my feelings and being so honest, I can't help but to feel like I need to continue blogging. My struggles with continuing blogging about infertility is difficult. I, a while back posted something on facebook in which I think some people thought, wow, she is still really taking this hard... but no, one person could not be more wrong. Again, we are doing great. So my struggle is, how do I continue reaching out to infertiles without making everyone feel like we are still miserable and throwing out an "oh poor pitiful me" card? The answer I give myself is, I can't continue blogging about infertility without people thinking things about us so do I continue to reach out to infertiles or do I keep my mouth shut so that people doesn't get inaccurate thoughts about us? For now, my wish is to continue blogging irregardless of what the fertile world thinks of us.
So, I will list and explain below the current frustrations I am having with infertility.
1) As new infertiles reach out to me, I have had one recently tell me that she recently found out about a couple of her friends being pregnant and it was "brutal". While I agree that it is horribly brutal to hear of other people being pregnant, it is so frustrating because I feel like the fertile community doesn't understand this and thinks we are in the wrong or bad people even for feeling this way. It is not fair to us infertiles to have to feel guilty about this after everything we have been through already but we do. It is not fair that we have to feel like we are bad people because it is hard for us to be happy and celebrate with people who become pregnant. Another thing on a similar note that seems to be my biggest frustration with infertility right now is, because of my infertility, is the main reason I had my outburst a while back. What bothers me about that is I am sure to many, I am a bad person now for speaking out about how I feel and standing up for what I believe in but, what makes it even more frustrating is I am only the bad person because I spoke out about it. It doesn't matter how many other people feel the way you do, if you are the one to express it, you are the one in the wrong. Another thing along the same lines that has been weighing on me lately is feeling like the bad person for not talking to people. I have been put in the situation several times lately where I am around people who I would normally talk to but because they have a child with them, I can't bring myself to speak to them. It is just so frustrating to me that no matter what I do, I have to feel like I am in the wrong or the bad person just because infertility makes things difficult. It makes us feel like we are bad because others look at us like we are when they don't have a clue what we are going through.
2) Infertility Awareness Week is April 21st-27th. In knowing this, it is extremely frustrating to me that I continuously feel like I am fighting a lost cause. I continue to try and blog and speak out about infertility to raise awareness but it just seems like no one cares. It really never ceases to amaze me the things people get supported through but infertility is just overlooked and not many people support you. I am not just speaking on diseases with that previous comment. I am speaking of the things people do in life in general. It would just be nice if infertiles got the support and attention that others get. One thing that has been weighing on me lately is how I have spoke with several people on different things to try and help raise awareness and when I talk to them, they act all excited like they think what I mention is a great idea and then nothing ever happens. If you all will remember here several months back, I was all excited because I had spoke with someone at work about doing an Infertility Awareness walk. They done one for Infant Loss month so I though "oh, what a GREAT idea" and I contacted them about the walk for Infertility. When I spoke with them, they seemed like they also thought it was a wonderful idea and they acted excited and said they would get back with me. Here it is several months later and of course, I have heard nothing. I just don't understand it. Don't get me wrong, I feel very sorry for those who have lost a child and I absolutely could not imagine what you are going through or have went through. In fact, as my mom herself had 4 miscarriages, that was my worst fear with conceiving. Especially after all the trouble we went through, my greatest fear was that we would end up pregnant off of our last vial, miscarry and then never have the chance to try again. But even in saying all of that, I just don't understand why they deserve so much more attention then infertility. You have so much support out there for so many different causes but nothing for infertility. There was another instance in which I had spoke with someone else about doing something to help me raise more awareness. They also acted excited and thought it was a great idea and said to give them a couple of days to get back with me but again, it is several months later and I have heard nothing. I swear, infertility is a lost cause and I honestly don't know why I continue to fight for it. Even though I feel as if I am fighting a lost cause, it is approaching the month of Infertility Awareness Week and I feel I should continue to fight for us infertiles because if we infertiles don't, NO ONE will. I have created a facebook page to help to raise awareness and also as a support group for infertiles. I have seen that the biggest thing that has helped me is the infertility support group in Nashville. Even though I have only been able to go a couple of times, it has helped me tremendously. Sometimes it is just hard to go since I live so far away and sometimes I have to work late and am unable to go. I thought, if infertiles could connect on this page then it could help to serve the same purpose in a sense. I also though, do not want it to be all about infertility support as I want it to also be about awareness. I feel as if the fertile community would join, maybe we as infertiles could help the fertiles to understand our struggles if we will just speak out. I encourage everyone to join my page and help raise awareness and support for the infertiles. If you would like to join, go to https://www.facebook.com/pages/Infertility-Awareness-and-Support-Group/486094944772291?ref=hl click "Like" at the top and please share with your friends to help spread the word.
Speaking of support for Infertiles, after this blog, I will no longer be posting on my personal facebook page when I update my blog. I feel as though if people really wanted to know about us, they will take it upon themselves to follow us. I am tired of feeling like I have to force people to support us and understand us therefore my blog updates will only be posted on my Infertility Awareness and Support Group page where people have taken it upon themselves to join and be a part of our struggles.
3) Trying to plan vacation again this year is really frustrating. Thanks to $18,000 spent on infertility in 2 1/2 years, without taking out loans or anything really makes us feel like we shouldn't spend much money on vacation. Again, we find it super frustrating that something we don't/can't have is holding us back from something we enjoy so much. This year we really want to go to DC and will most likely end up there but it us just so hard knowing we would be much better off financially and would be able to feel comfortable spending that money had we not spent so much on infertility.
4) The last thing about infertility that is slightly frustrating to me is other peoples children standing in the way of what I want or taking my time from my husband. This complaint is really not fully about infertility, it has more to do with other things but has a very slight thing to do with infertility. Trent has been asked to help coach this year. I truly didn't have a problem with it in the beginning and when he asked me what I thought about it, my response was I was fine with it however, I wanted to know that he could handle it with what all we have been through. He responded with he knew and he had already thought about that aspect of it. I guess he eventually decided he would be ok with it. Well, a couple weeks have went by and I have had time to let everything sink in and the more and more things happen, it makes me really wish he wasn't helping. I know, I am being totally selfish but there is more to it all that I prefer just not to talk about. Well, it really hits me that he has practice tomorrow and I won't really be able to spend time with him. He has practice Tuesday and will miss infertility support group with me (if I get to go because I possible have to work late) and I won't get to spend time with him, he works Wednesday and Thursday, has practice Friday, and then has a game on Saturday. Really, will I ever be able to see my husband again? I was discussing this with him among other things about the situation that bother me and he replied to me "It is not about that, it is about me being there to help the kids" That is truly what I just love and adore about my husband. It is for nothing but the kids. This still makes me sad that I don't have kids but other peoples kids are keeping me from my husband but as long as my Trent enjoys it, that's all that matters.
I guess I am done ranting and raving now. Like I said, I have wanted to blog for a while just haven't made myself do it because I don't want people being judgmental about us still struggling. Again, I continue to talk about it just simply to continue trying to raise awareness and also to help those other infertiles who most likely have my same struggles. Yes, we still have struggles. Infertility will be a lifelong struggle however, that doesn't mean that we are not doing well and moving on.
As for life, we continue to just enjoy us for the time. We really don't talk about adoption much but will randomly still mention that when we are ready, we will start that whole process. At this point, we are still just not ready to jump back on that rollor coaster of emotions. In the meantime, still just praying for a miracle to fall into our laps if that is God's plan for us.
