Why do I always post the Bad and not the Good?

Well, for starters, I post the bad because I don't like just venting to poor Trent because he is so supportive and positive that I don't want to drag him down with me when I have my weak moments.  I don't always post the good because when things are so great, I don't take time away from the greatness to blog about it. 
I will say again that we have handled the negative result much MUCH better than I ever thought we would but I think its only natural to have weak moments and last night was one of those for me.  I often think maybe I shouldn't blog the negative depressing things however, it is life and it is what is happening in our life.  Also as someone else has said to me, "I know everyone wants to be a part of this journey with you so its a great way to keep everyone updated"  I know people have been asking family how we are doing and I just find it easiest to update everyone here as sometimes it is difficult for me to actually talk about and I must say it did help me to feel much better last night after blogging and getting it out.

Anyways, to some POSITIVES.
*I don't know how many times I have said it but, IF it was possible to make me and Trent closer, infertility done it.  We are so strong and so close.  Our marriage will NEVER cease to amaze me.
*When you are put through life trials, it will bring out the true person in you, I believe with all my heart that this journey has made us bigger and better people for what we have been through and accomplished. (and still trying to accomplish as we go)
*It has brought us closer to God.  Yes, we still question things but we KNOW Our God is in Control and has one heck of an amazing plan for our lives and our family.
*(WELL, I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT HERE.  I think since November is Thanksgiving, at the beginning of November, I will give 1 thing daily that we are thankful and grateful for just to show that we truly are blessed and to bring some positivity)
I want to end with 2 stories of my hubby.  The first being such a sweet story of my hubby and a little girl.  Trent went to school with this woman who has a little 4 year old girl which was hating going to Pre K and crying each day when her mom dropped her off.  Trent ran into the girl he went to school with a couple weeks ago and she asked Trent to come talk to her little girl and explain to her why it was a good thing to go to school.  A couple nights later while Trent was working, he went to talk to the little girl.  After he got done talking to her, he told her if she would promise to go to school and make new friends and like it that he had something for her.  He took her out to his patrol car and gave her a stuffed animal.  Later that night, the mom sent Trent 2 pictures.  One of her with the stuffed animal and the second one of the little girl how she slept holding that stuffed animal that night.  I just love how Trent gives out stuffed animals to the kids.  I think it is so precious.  Well, this week, the mom had sent me a message and wanted me to relay it to Trent that the little girl now wants Trent to come to her school and eat lunch with her because she has told all her friends at school about her friend Trent the cop.  The mom also said she was doing much better in school and not crying now.

Another story about my hubby I was reminded about the other day that I wanted to tell was last Halloween, he was working so he rode around in subdivisions and handed candy out to kids.  One of the parents was apparently so shocked to see a cop out riding around and giving out candy that she took a picture of her kid with Trent.

After those 2 stories, Yet again I can say,  MY HUBBY - MY HERO!!!  I truly admire my wonderful husband.  It makes me feel good to know he ain't a cop out there just cocky and thinks he can do what he wants just cause he is a cop.  He is a cop out there truly in my opinion trying to help the community.  I love to see him reach out to little kids and his interaction with them to try and help them.

Trent is getting low on stuffed animals again if anyone has some extras that you would be willing to spare.

I need off of this Rollercoaster!

First of all, I want to start off with something that I found.  I also want to apologize in advance for this blog as it is only depressing but tonight, I am really struggling with the Infertility Monster!

*I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.
*I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.
*I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.
*I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.
*I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"
*I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."
*I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."
*I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.
*I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"
*No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.
*But some days, I certainly feel like it...
*Praying for strength in the waiting.

Alright, now I guess on to the real blog.  I feel like I am on a crazy rollercoaster.  I am SICK AND TIRED of this ride and so ready to get off of it.  I would like nothing more in this world than to make my WONDERFUL husband a DADDY.  I have always my whole entire life imagined myself being a mommy however at this point in my life, I still have that strong desire to be a mommy but more than that, at this point, I don't even feel like it is about me.  I feel like it is more about my husband.  He has such an inspiring desire to be a daddy that I want nothing more than to make him that.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my hubby would be the best daddy I have EVER laid eyes upon. 

This journey has been the absolute hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  As we get ready to start another cycle of Clomid and another month of IUI, I absolutely dread what we are getting ready to face.  I am not ready at all to go through all of this again.  The 2WW was so difficult and I dread that part more than anything.  I also dread the disappointing look on my poor husbands face to see a possibility of another negative.  That look of him picking up and holding and staring so disappointingly and so intently at that negative pregnancy test for what seemed minutes.  That look, I will NEVER forget.  It hurts me so bad to see him hurt as he has such a desire for this and has been so positive and so supportive through it all.  I feel my hubby is such an amazing man and deserves the world.

Christmas, Oh how I used to LOVE Christmas!!!  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday until last year.  We started trying in May 2009 to have a baby.  2009, 7 months later, not pregnant yet! 2010 still not pregnant!  after 2 Christmas's passing us by and not having a baby or even better yet just being pregnant, I really thought 2011 would be difficult as this would be our 3rd Christmas with NO CHILD to celebrate it with.  Last year was somewhat difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be.  Well, 2012 could possibly make our 4th Christmas with no child.  I can tell ya right now that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT looking forward to Christmas this year if we are still childless at that point.  There is nothing more in this world that would make us happier than to be pregnant by Christmas.  I am usually half way done shopping for Christmas by now but I have not bought not 1 thing for Christmas yet and to be quiet honest, I am not in the Christmas spirit at all and I don't even want to do gifts at all this year.  I just don't feel it period. 

PLEASE, No offense at all to anyone who has said this to us but Everyone keeps telling us, In God's timing!!!!  WE KNOW THIS and have been saying this to ourselves!!!  But quiet frankly, I am tired of hearing this.  We do not understand Gods timing and I know, we aren't necessarily supposed to but this statement sure is not making things any easier.  After 2 1/2 years, why is it not our time to be parents.  I know a ton of people either pregnant or that have a child less than 2 months old.  Seems it has been this way the entire time we have been trying to conceive.  WHY is it there time and not ours?  We have an EXCELLENT marriage, not rich by no means but not struggling either, not druggies, etc.  What are we doing so wrong that we don't deserve a child?  I pray to God everyday to bless us with a child and God's will be done but then I feel like I am begging God since I ask EVERY day.  I feel like I am wrong for praying for a child everyday but ask and you shall receive right?

Please forgive me right now for the horribly depressing post as you can obviously tell I am feeling so very emotional and need to just let it all out.  I just simply don't understand why this journey has been so horribly difficult for us when it comes so easy to others and better yet, those who pop them out left and right and don't deserve them at all.

Here we go AGAIN!

Well, I figured I would give an update on our journey. 

I will be starting back on Clomid this Thursday which will be CD3.  Last time, we went in for our ultrasound to check the follicles on CD13 however this time, CD13 falls on Sunday therefore we will be going in this time on CD14 which will be on Monday 31st which is Halloween.  If everything looks good that day, we will then return on Tuesday for the IUI.  Trent loves Halloween and seeing kids dressed up and has ALWAYS said he wanted a spook baby.  Well, instead of baby being born on or near Halloween, baby may be conceived a day after Halloween so it would still be a little spook lol.

Honestly, since getting the bad news of the last IUI failing, we have been doing pretty good.  Even though it was very tough to get a negative, we took it very well and have handled it MUCH MUCH better than I ever thought we would.

Anyways, Just figured I would quickly update everyone on our new dates since the 1st IUI failed.  We are praying that this next one works since we only have potentially 1 try left after this one. 

St. Louis - Cardinals NLCS - Update

WARNING: LOTS OF PICS

As I am sure everyone already knows, me and Trent LOVE to go to baseball games.  Since ball is how we met, this is one thing that we totally enjoy together.  Me nor Trent either one have ever been to a playoff game so several weeks ago, Trent said that if Cardinals or Braves made it to the playoffs that we would go.  I never EVER believed we would actually go though because Trent is not spontaneous and can't do things at the last minute and also, don't want to spend the money. 

Well, wouldn't you know, Cardinals (our favorite team in the National league) made it into the playoffs.  On Saturday, Trent had mentioned going however he didn't sound too serious.  Well, Sunday rolls around and when we get out of church, Trent talks about it coming home and to a HUGE surprise to me, he comes home and starts researching tickets and motel rooms and WE BOOKED IT RIGHT THEN.  Trent is not spontaneous at all so it was VERY surprising that we actually got tickets because it was really pretty much spur of the moment since he had just briefly mentioned it. 

We headed out on Wednesday, got there that night and came back on Friday morning so it was a very quick trip but MUCH needed.  As I had already blogged about it, we knew we would be testing on Thursday and this could be a great celebration or a great thing to take our mind off of things and as it turns out, it was a WONDERFUL thing to help sidetrack our minds. 

Anyways, here are some pictures from our quick getaway.



Coming into St Louis.  Wish I would have thought to take a picture
sooner because I could have gotten a really good one.

Old Courthouse from our Motel Window.  We also had
a view of half of the arch from our room

 A Conan blimp has been flying around throughout the post season games and in this picture, we could see it from our motel window.

Blimp with City view from our window

Fountain with Old Courthouse and Arch at night.

Thursday, I got woke up to Trent sitting up on the side of the bed like something was wrong.  Go figure we would be on vacation and he would get kidney stones.  We don't know yet for a fact that that is what it is however, he has been hurting now for 2 days.  If he is still hurting next week, we will go to the doctor.  After being woke up by this, I went ahead and tested and it came back negative.  Boy, we sure were starting our day out great.  NOT!!!  We just laid around and sulked until a little after 12 then we got up and got ready to go eat and walk around.  While walking around, Trent had to take a break because of his back bothering him so we just sit and chilled out on a bench in downtown St. Louis.

Trent chilling on a bench.

Me and my Trentie chilling downtown St Louis

After we sat downtown, we went and checked out the Old Courthouse which was just some history to St Louis and then we sit on the steps at the Old Courthouse and chilled for a little bit there and took some pictures of the arch.

Sitting on the steps of the Old Courthouse with the Arch in the background

 I just love the arch and I was dying to get some picture of the moon with the arch however, one night the moon wasn't really out due to clouds covering it from rain and then the night that it was shining brightly, we got down to the arch after 11pm and little did we know, no one is aloud in that area after 11pm so we got ran off therefore I was unable to get some cool up close shots of arch and moon together.

Arch with the moon

The first game we went to was Wednesday night.  We did not get into St Louis until just right before 7pm so the first thing we done was went and got checked into the motel.  We did not have tickets for this night but knew we wanted to try to go to it so we dropped our stuff off in the room, turned the TV on and it was in the first inning.  We then walked to the field and luckily basically stole some tickets from a scalper in the 200 section.  We got there during the 2nd inning and Of course it did not rain until we got to the field and then it done the obnoxious steady drizzle for the rest of the game.  They did win this game so we were tickled that we got to make it to this game.  

Seats from Scalper in 200 section

During the game

We had already bought tickets to Thursdays game online and for that game, we sat in the 400 section.  Unfortunately, they lost during this game which tied the series up.

Our seats with city view

Yep, thats right, we got to go to the Playoffs

Field with Blimp and City View

Blimp right over the Arch

Me and Trentie at the game with City view

Anyways, even though we did not get the best of news during our trip and even though Trent was hurting during it, we had a fantastic time and was tickled to death that we got to go.  It most definitely helped to keep our minds preoccupied. 

Now, for a couple more details on our journey, some people keep wondering if we tested too early.  No, I have not started yet and yes, I personally feel that we did test at least 1 day early if not 2 days early however, we DID test on the day that the doctors office told us to.  Even though I have not started yet, I do think I can feel it coming on therefore, I am still not getting my hopes up that it could possibly be a false negative or that I tested too early.  If we are pregnant, then it will just be all that more wonderful and a great surprise but for now, we are just preparing ourselves for another round of it all.  If I have not started by probably Sunday or Monday, I will test again.  Otherwise, once I do start, we will be starting the whole process over again with meds, ultrasounds, and IUI.  I know several people are hoping along with us that we just tested too early however like I said, I REALLY DO NOT feel like this is the case.  I figured I would update everyone so that anyone wondering would know exactly where we are in everything.

IT'S A NEGATIVE!!!

I don't really feel like posting a full blog for now but just wanted to update everyone.  So, For all of those wondering, the answer is NEGATIVE! It looks like we will be going through this whole cycle and procedure yet again. Thank you everyone so much for so many thoughts, prayers, and encouraging words through these difficult times in the past month. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as this is a difficult time and as we get ready to start the cycle over.  I feel as we are sinking back into the old mind set when we first found things out.  We are questioning everything.  Why us?  Why are we being put through this?  WHY DO WE NOT DESERVE CHILDREN?  That question is one I will never understand.  I hate being in this mindset but it is near impossible not to let ourselves get down as we get yet another dissapointing result.  Anyways, thats all for now.

My Poor Poor Trentie!

God bless my sweet little hubby for having to deal with me.  These past 2 weeks have been so tough as I mentioned in the previous blog.  Trent is so strong and so positive even though he is very anxious.  Me on the other hand, I try to be strong but I am feeling more and more weak and like a crazy person and bless his heart for having to listen to me whining.  I don't like to whine to him though cause I don't want to drag him down with me when he still has such a positive outlook.  I will say, I am proud of myself because I have only cried 2 or 3 times during the past 2 weeks over it however it wasn't real cry, just a few tears fell and then I was done.  Well, tonight, all I can say is bless his heart.  While at work, I had started feeling like it was about that time of the month for me.  I am not really crampy however, I just kinda feel like it is coming on.  I had already started getting a little emotional over it and a few tears fell.  After that, I had talked to him on the phone and he started saying something and SNAP.  Yep, that is what I done completely out of no where and FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  I IMMEDIATELY realized what I had done and burst out into a big ball of tears because I had felt so horrible and so guilty for snapping on him for no good reason like that out of no where.  Well obviously when I had busted out in tears the way I did, he wondered what was wrong and I had to apologize 100 times because I felt so guilty and then I had explained what was wrong.  Bless his heart.  Poor poor thing for having to put up with me.
Anyways, in all of that being said, I am going crazier and crazier by the day as we are quickly approaching the day for us to test.  We honestly thought that our 2WW would drag by however, it has honestly flown by.  I pray that my feelings earlier were just simply feelings.  I can not imagine us having to go back through all of this again.  I am so emotional right now and I am so done with it all.  Thank God I have Trent to keep me going cause earlier I was honestly feeling on the brink of giving up.  I know that we can not give up and Trent WILL NOT let that happen but this is all just so very difficult. 

I am so ready for Thursday to hurry up and come and go and for whatever is going to happen to happen so that we can just move on and plan for our next step whether that be going through pregnancy with our bundle of joy or go back through another round of this IUI which might totally drive me to the Insane Asylum.  And if we have to go through another round of IUI, you all better be praying heavily for Trent. lol. 

2WW Emotions

2WW stands for 2 Week Wait.  I had no clue what all this meant until we started going through infertility.  Obviously, it just means we are in a 2 week wait after procedure to actually find out if procedure worked or not. 

This 2WW has been filled with tons of emotions.  Happy, sad, positive, negative, scared, nervous, anxious.  Geez, the list could go on and on.  Who ever knew someone could have so many emotions ALL AT ONE TIME!

For the most part, it has not been too bad but on the days that are bad, they are bad, my mind goes wild with emotions on those days.  Today has been one of those days that is not horrible but my mind has wondered some.  They told us to test on Thursday the 13th but I am almost scared to the point that I don't know if we will test then or not.  Sometimes, I feel that I am so strong for going through everything we have went through but sometimes, I feel like I am the weakest person ever. 

Anyways, enough rambling about all the emotions of it.  We are SO EXCITED.  We are leaving Wednesday to go to St Louis so we can watch the Cardinals in playoffs.  This will be a great thing to help us during this tough time.  If we do test when they told us to, we will be testing while in St Louis which will be good because if we are PREGNANT, we will have a super stupendous time and get to celebrate it in St Louis and at the Cardinals game Thursday night.  If we are not pregnant, it will be a good thing to help us just be away and something to try to take our mind off of it a little.

Wow, this is one heck of a scary week.  I am so scared of testing!!!  Since we are Not knowing if we are going to test when they told us to, don't expect an answer on Thursday.  Who knows when it will be.  I just want nothing more than to make my dear hubby a daddy as I know he will be the absolute best father in the whole world.  Ok, maybe I am a little biased because he is my hubby and I know what we have been through but I truly do believe he will be the best ever. 

I hope everyone else is doing GREAT!!!