Heartbreaker...

This purty thing right here, is going to be an absolute heart breaker!  Auntie Nay Nay thinks she already is.  But.....thats not what this post is about.... This post is about her WONDERFULLY AMAZING Uncle PoPo.

Most BEAUTIFUL baby girl I ever did see.

 This post is about these next 2 pictures..... My amazing husband which will make the most amazing father I have EVER seen.

As my sweet husband held his beautiful little niece, his eyes began to tear up.  He was getting ready to eat breakfast and I asked him if he wanted me to take her and he said no and shook his head.  I then asked if he was going to hold her while he ate and he said yes.  I got up to get his food only to look back at him wiping the tears from his face.  At that moment, my heart just broke in a million different pieces.  I knew it was so difficult on me to hold that sweet little baby girl and I also knew it would be hard on him however, to actually watch him cry was so difficult.  All I could do was hold him. 

It is so hard to know that he wants a baby so badly.  I know I have said it once before but as badly as I want a baby also, it has nothing to do with me at this point.  I want nothing more in this world than to make all his dreams come true.  I want nothing more in this world than to give him that sweet little baby that he has desired for so long.  Just to watch him interact with Kellen warms my heart so much.  He isn't afraid to hold her, he isn't afraid to change her diaper (as he changed a couple himself already), he CAN'T quit kissing her sweet little face, he talks to her all the time.  It just amazes me to watch him with kids.  I have always loved watching him with kids but to see him interact with a NEWBORN is just the most precious thing I have ever seen.

The both of us absolutely can not wait to start procedures back.  I just pray to God that he will bless us with that little bundle of joy we have tried so hard for. 

On a side note, I get frustrated and talk about how I may not continue blogging as much however, it is very unfair to those who have been so loving and supportive of us through this journey for me not to continue the blog.  I have had several people just since the other day to ask me to continue blogging and not to quit.  THANK YOU to all of you who have showed such love and support since my last blog.  I do think it is only normal for us to go through all of these feelings both good and bad but sometimes it is just so difficult to deal with.

I want to end this by saying Trent Justin, you WILL be a daddy one day.  One way or another, you WILL have a child and you WILL be the most amazing father I have EVER laid eyes upon.  I absolutely can't wait until everything we have worked so hard for pays off.  I love you more than anything in this world and can't wait to complete our family!

We will never be able to escape what we can't have......

Wow!  Watching Amber's delivery, watching my beautiful baby niece being born was the absolute most amazing thing I have been able to witness.  I was so very grateful on so many aspects that her and Jack allowed me to be a part of something so very special.  Now that it is all done and over, I am flooded with so many emotions that I desire to express.

People have told me not to apologize for venting on my blog so I won't necessarily apologize, but I will say, some of this blog will be venting and some will be some insight to my feelings that Ambers delivery has given me about mine and Trent's infertility journey.

I will first start with my feelings that experiencing Kellens birth has given me on our infertility journey.  As most everyone knows, we haven't had any procedures since January.  This break has honestly been the best thing.  We truly needed a break as we went through 5 straight months of IUI's and failure.  During this break, I have been saying I want to move to adoption all the way however Trent wants to continue IUI's and move to adoption when and if we have to.  Well, lately, I have been kinda getting semi excited about starting procedures back because our next vials we will be using has better numbers than any we have ever used before therefore, it does give me a little hope that it could still maybe work.  On the same hand though, I still feel like adoption is our for sure way to get a child right now.  After yesterday watching Amber deliver Kellen just really pushed me to want to continue with our Journey and our IUI's.  Trent wants nothing more than to experience pregnancy and child birth and seeing Kellen being born just really made me want that much more to continue with IUI's and make it possible for Trent to be able to watch his little bundle of joy being born.  No one can ever describe what an emotional, amazing, memorable, indescribable moment it is to watch a baby be born into this world much less your own little one.  I now can't wait to start our IUI's back up and truly pray to God that he will just make all of this possible for me and Trent.  My heart just breaks as I think about what an amazing moment me and Trent could have as we have wanted this for so long.  Next month we have been trying for 3 years.  It is so difficult ot know that something you want so bad for so long you just can't have.

Since Kellen's birth, I have just been flooded with all kinds of emotions that are just making me crazy.  Let me just start by saying I continue to be tickled to death for my sister and Jack.  They created one gorgeous baby girl whom I already love so dearly.  In saying all that though, being in the hospital holding such a beautiful baby made it really difficult for me.  I know several people pregnant right now and I can't honestly say that I will be able to walk back into a hospital for someone else having a baby.  I absolutely wouldn't have missed Kellen's birth for the world and again, I am tickled to death to have actually been in the delivery room to witness her actual arrival but I know it would be much more difficult to go to the hospital for someone else.  Ambers pregnancy and delivery just seem so much different than anyone elses.  Honestly, again, I am tickled to death but I took her birth harder than I thought I would.

Let me start this paragraph saying that those who have been so supportive, PLEASE do not take this personal and you know who you are if you have supported and been encouraging to us.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to those who have been there for us.  I can't say enough thanks as you have been wonderful for us.  Now, Something I am really struggling with right now which I totally realize is somewhat selfish is how supportive or encouraging some people are for some things/some people however, I haven't not once heard "Good Luck", "I'm/We're thinking of you, I'm sorry your going through this" NOTHING!  However, if I mention Amber or Kellen, I hear all kinds of things.  For example.  When we were going through procedures, I was constantly posting on facebook for family and friends to keep up with us and the people who were always giving supportive and encouraging words are some people I NEVER would have imagined however, those you are supposed to be closest to and those you think would be there didn't say a word, didn't "like" anything or NOTHING!  BUT, let me make a status or post pictures about Amber or Amber being due in a couple weeks, or Kellen or anything, I get likes and comments by those who were not there for us at all.  There are also other things that I won't even get into that amaze me that people have supported and been there for but nothing for us.  Again, It just goes to show who your true family and friends are.  I KNOW alot of people don't know what to say to us however just a "We are thinking of you" atleast lets us know you are concerned for us.  Or if it is just a status like "Excited for IUI today" or "Numbers were good today" or "Getting ready for another IUI" again, a "like" just simply says to us you are there for us.  YES, I understand we are talking about facebook but that is just an example.  These same people have not been there for us in person either.  I have honest to God thought about deleting my facebook just so that I didn't have to worry about any communication with anyone.

I am honestly on the fence about it.  I hate to do it to the ones that have been there for us so much but when we start procedures back, I may not be keeping EVERYONE up to date as we have in the past.  I thought people cared and would be there for us but obviously I was wrong and it is only making things harder on me so, I will really have to pray about it and decide whether I will keep everyone clued in or not when we start back.
Again, I don't expect anyone to understand what we are going through because to be perfectly honest, you can't, won't and never will understand but to be honest, it is hurtful when you see everyone around you being supported and encouraged through everything but you get nothing.  Infertility has changed me in so many ways and in most ways, it has absolutely made me a bigger and better person however, in situations like this, it makes me a worse person.  I continue to pull myself further and further away from people as I feel like we don't matter to others anyways.  In church last week, Brother Micky asked what is that 1 thing that keeps you from following Christ like you should.  Infertility has definitely made me harbor ill will, anger, and frustrations towards some and I just pray that God will help me to be able to let go of some of these feelings I am having. 

Again, will others understand when I don't show up to baby showers or the hospital for the birth of their child?  Nope.  I am struggling with feeling like people may look at me like I am a bad person for not talking to anyone anymore, not coming to showers, not coming to the hospital, etc.  I don't feel as if I should ever have to explain myself in this situation however, I don't want to feel like I am a bad person because of what I have had to go through with infertility.  Fact of the matter is until we have a child if we ever do, WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE WHAT WE CAN'T HAVE WHICH WE SO STRONGLY DESIRE!!!  My mom explained it perfect a while back about the fresh scab that continues to be picked at when it is trying to heal.  I really don't feel like this scab will ever heal.  I just feel like I have been hurt not only by people but by infertility in general and it is just so difficult to heal from.  Again, you wouldn't understand until you go through it.  How can a couple who has a stable marriage suffer from infertility?  How can a couple who is as stable as me and Trent suffer from infertility?  Their are marriages falling apart which pop them out left and right!  How can a couple who has so much love for one another suffer from infertility?  I could honestly go on and on.  It is just so difficult to understand why God is specifically putting me and Trent through this test.  I have said it time and time again.  Our marriage simply amazes me.  I honest to God have never seen a marriage like ours.  Marriage just comes so simple for us.  Its also crazy to me because alot of times infertility can break a marriage but nope, not us.  Made us stronger.  Its crazy to me that normally the male is the one ready to end infertility treatments first but nope, not us.  I would have give up long ago had it not been for Trent's love and support.  Thank God I have him because honestly, without him, I sometimes feel like I would have noone.  Our immediate families have also been amazing for us through it all also but they don't understand either.

As I end this, I want to end it with something that means a TON to me right now.
Before you assume, learn the facts.
Before you judge, understand why.
Before you hurt someone, feel.
Before you speak, think.

Again, I say Thank You to those who has taken the time to listen to me basically whine and cry and vent on here tonight but I just need to let it out.

Kellen NaCole Watts 4/17/12 @ 448pm - 6lb 15oz - 19.5 in

WARNING!!!  I think its only obvious that there will be tons of pics posted.

Kellen's birth story from the Auntie Nay Nay's perspective.

When we got to the hospital, Amber got checked in and put in her labor and delivery room.  Once we got settled in, I straightened her hair and then mom went back over her hair to finish some places I missed.  After we got her hair straightened, I done her makeup.  She looked Beautiful and was ready to go. 

All made up and ready to start labor

At about 6:30am, they started the Pitocin drip on her and she was dilated to a 1 at that point. At about 8:30am, the doctor came in, she was still at a 1 and then he broke her water and I believe they increased the Pitocin drip at that time. The doctor had already told her the other day that she had a small pelvis and may have a hard time delivering that if she was not dilating 1cm an hour that they would maybe have to do a C-Section so when he broke the water, he went over the C-Section stuff with her again and explained that if she was stuck at a certain dilation for long that they would go ahead and take her in for C-Section. (Amber's small pelvis and possible difficulty with vaginal delivery on her own was the reason for induction hoping Kellen wouldn't gain much more weight (at her last appointment, she was told Kellen was approx 7lb 7oz) or else the vaginal delivery would have been even more unlikely for her.) We all kinda got the impression that he really didn't think she would dilate well and was unsure of what the day had in store for her. After breaking the water, she then pretty quickly began to have contractions pretty good and after a while had asked for some pain medicine which they gave her through the IV. She was told that the pain medicine would not take away the pain however, it would help it. WRONG! The contractions quickly intensified and got closer and closer together. The next check on her was at 11:15am and at that time, she knew she would be asking for the epidural during this check the contractions were so strong. She had already by that point dilated to a 4 and they could tell she was hurting pretty good. They then decreased the pitocin since she had already dilated so quickly. The epidural came immediately and they hit it right off the bat and she done great. After the epidural, she was immediately able to relax and get a little bit of rest before the next check. She was then checked again around 1:30pm and was dilated to a 7. During this check, Kellen was head down however facing the side so they made Amber turn to her side in hopes to make Kellen turn more. The Dr was simply amazed at how well Amber had done and how quickly she had dilated since he had concerns with her not dilating well. She had another check around 3:15 and she had then dilated to a 9. During this check, Kellen was so low that they thought she was turned the right way but couldn't tell positively. They also said that she would be pushing within an hour if not less. To make sure Kellen was turned the right way, they pulled up one of the stirrups and made Amber lay on her side with one leg and hip propped up into that stirrup. I don't know for sure what time we started pushing but it was around 4:15. Once she started pushing, we knew it wouldn't take much at all and Kellen would be here. She done rounds of pushing for 10 seconds in sets of 3. She done this twice with contractions. After these 6 pushes, the nurse said that with the next contraction, she couldn't push because Kellen would be here and the doctor wasn't here at that point. A contraction came and gone and then in ran the doctor. He looked over at her at saw the progress she had made and started throwing on his stuff quickly. He realized baby was basically here. With the next contraction, she started pushing. We don't remember if she pushed 2 or 3 times with this contraction but within 2 or 3 pushes, out came Kellen. She delivered Kellen like a true pro. Her first child and she pushed through 3 contractions making a total of 8 or 9 pushes all together.  I have said several times that she went through labor and delivery like she has delievered 10 kids in the past.  She was a true trooper.  I am so very proud of Amber and Jack for all of their hard work during this pregnancy, labor and delivery.  I know Amber is tickeled to have her hear and have her pregnancy done and over since she was sick every day of her pregnancy.

Now, let me share my good exciting news for the day.  The plan was that Jack and mom be in the delivery room and then after she was born, mom would come and get me and I would then come visit her before others.  Well, during her labor, I think she was at a 7cm, Amber told me she wanted me to stay in there with her.  I was thrilled but made sure her and Jack knew that I didn't expect it at all, and if at any point they wanted me to leave to tell me and I would.  I was also thrilled because I then knew I could get the pictures of the family that I always wanted when I gave birth.  So, enjoy the pictures to follow.

The second they laid Kellen on Ambers chest.  Such a priceless moment.

Another priceless moment with Amber and Jack with Kellen just
seconds after she was born.

Just seconds after she was born

Again, just seconds after she was born

Kellen NaCole Watts born at 4:48pm - 19.5 inches long - 6lb 15oz - Apgar score of 9.9.  WOW!!!  We have one heck of a healthy baby girl on our hands.  Again, I am totally amazed with Amber's delivery.  Labor started around 8:30am and delivery was at 4:48pm which means she had about an 8.5 hour labor with a first child.  WAIT TO GO SISTER!!!

When she was born, we figured they would pretty much immediately take her away to the nursery.  WRONG!!!  It was crazy because right after she was born, they took her over to the baby area and told me and mom we can just stand there with her and hold her and everything.  They laid her down and walked away and she was left with us.  We was amazed with that.  After they got done dealing with Amber, they finally came back and got her from me and mom and wiped her off and wrapped her in a blanket than gave her back to us.  I guess since her Apgar score was so awesome, they wasn't very concerned and they let her stay in the room with us for a little more than an hour before coming to get her and take her to the nursery.

Auntie Nay Nay giving that beautiful baby girl some love just minutes
after delivery when they left her with us.

Me and mom giving baby girl some love just minutes after birth
when they left her with us.

Me and Beautiful Kellen just minutes after she was born

Dr. Taylor and Melody with Kellen.  We couldn't have asked for a
better labor and delivery crew than she had.

The sweet first Watts family photo

The Vaughn family with Kellen

Kellens feet with her Watts foot band

Her its a girl tag with her information on it with her laying there.

The day after delivery

Her sweet little baby hand all wrinkly

Pretty girl

Amber and her Beautiful baby girl the day after delivery

Beautiful Kellen the day after delivery

Sweet baby girl

CONGRATS TO THE WATTS FAMILY!!!  YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!!!

2 Analogies

The first analogy I came up with and I meant to post in my earlier blog but I forgot.  I know this is silly but I meant to post it.  Quiting elevators is like quiting cokes.  Yep sounds crazy I know.  When I stopped drinking cokes, I would pull up to drive through or at a restaurant and tell them out of habit that I wanted a Diet Coke then quickly had to change it to water.  Well, at work, I have quit elevators.  When I quit the elevators a week ago, I would walk up to the elevator out of habit and press the button once I realized what I done, I turned around and took the stairs.  I can now say, I think I have gotten used to the stairs and don't press the elevator button anymore.  Going the stairs makes a big difference because I have to go up 6 flights of stairs to get to my floor where I work.

The second analogy, my mom just told me and it relates to me and the infertility journey.  She said "It's like a fresh scab that can't heal.  Each time it starts to heal, it just keeps getting picked at more and more"  I think this analogy is wonderful and describes me to the tee.  I am the scab and every time I begin to heal and every time I start doing so well, I find out something else that sets me back.  I feel like this scab will never heal.  I pray that God allows us to one day SOON become parents so this scab can fully heal and leave NO SCARS.  I would like to say that a child would make us forget everything we have been through however as much as we absolutely HATE the journey we have been through, I never want to forget everything we have went through to accomplish our dreams.  Our journey has made us the bigger better people we are today and if we never forget what we have been through, we will only appreciate, love and adore our child just that much more.

Ok, I am done, I won't continue to bore everyone for the day.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly!

Well as my title says, this blog will be about the good, the bad and the ugly.  I have been wanting to post for a couple days now however, as of today, I just need to vent so my blog will be a great place to vent and let it all out.  That being said, please excuse me in advance when I get to the bad part if I start rambling.  Actually, please feel free to excuse yourself from my page if you don't want to read it.  I totally understand as I am just an emotional ball of mess right now.

Anyways, The good.  Lets just say the GREAT!!!  A week ago today, I started a diet.  I have NEVER been the type of person to have to worry about what I eat, what I weigh or anything like that.  Of course, that was when I was active playing ball and not a worry in the world.  I am very ashamed to say that just since me and Trent met, I have put on a whopping 68 pounds.  WOW!!!  I can't believe I just said that.  That is absolutely ridiculous.  Now, I am totally ashamed and can't believe I am actually fixing to announce my weight to the world but when I started my diet, I weighed in at 193 pounds.  As I said, today makes a week that I have been on my diet and as of today, I am down 3.6 pounds weighing in at 189.4.  I am so very proud of myself.  When I first started it, I was unsure of how well I would be sticking to the diet but knew that I was truly bound and determined to loose some of the weight I had gained and even more determined to loose some before our upcoming cruise.  I have worked out everyday but 2 and I am trying to stick as close to a 1200 calorie diet as possible.  I know that since I am working out, I can take in more than 1200 but I just try to limit myself by saying 1200.  Also, I have read in many places that it's not healthy to loose more than 2 pounds a week and I am not trying to loose more than 2 a week but it just happened so I am not complaining.  Anyways, I just had to share the good news as I am so excited and happy for myself.

The bad.  (this is the place where if you don't want to hear me whine and complain, you don't have to read any further)  Today, I am really struggling with the INFERTILITY MONSTER.  BAD!!!  It is so very difficult right now on so many levels.  Everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn/infant/child/combination of all the above.  This I think is quiet obvious why it is so difficult.  This is something that we have tried for for almost 3 years now.  It is so hard to say that we have been trying to accomplish our dreams for 3 years now with nothing but failure.  I HATE using the word failure however when it comes to fertility, that is the only word I can think of.  I think failure is the only word that can explain fertility to me right now.  Another reason it is so difficult right now is because every single time I start thinking I am doing so good, something else happens to flip my world upside down.  It was just Saturday that me and my mom were talking and we were talking about how great I had been doing with it all especially during this break we are taking and now here we are today and something happens that totally shifts everything for me.  Another reason it is so very difficult is because we don't know not even 1 person personally that could ever understand what we are going through.  I feel like at times, I could be judged for my feelings or actions just because some will never understand what we go through and struggle with on a daily basis with infertility.  Another reason I struggle with it so bad is because I feel like we are going to have yet another Christmas childless.  No one understands the difficulty it was for me to be around children at Christmas time.  No one will understand this year when I don't want to be at my grandparents house for Christmas just because I will have even more babies/children around me than before.  I dearly love being at my grandparents for Christmas as this has been a tradition since before I was born however, this year, I am going to struggle very bad.  I know we are still talking 9 months away however, I already dread it.  Another reason it is so difficult for me, me and Trent have ALWAYS been on the same level and in agreeance on the whole infertility issue however, now I am ready to just move on and quit IUI's but he isn't.  He does agree to adoption and wants to but he wants to continue with IUI's first to where I just want to go straight to adoption now.  I just beg God, PLEASE give us answers.  Please help us to understand.  I hate this slump I have fell into today as I have now resorted back to asking why?  Why us?  What have we done so wrong?  Why do we not deserve children?  WHY?  WHY? WHY?  God please help us to understand.
I honest to God just wish this was all over by now.  I honest to God wish God would just take the desire to be a parent away from me.  If I didn't desire it, I wouldn't have to hurt so bad.
I feel so guilty complaining about everyone being pregnant because as everyone knows, I am absolutely ecstatic about my sister being due in April.  I can not wait to meet my baby niece Kellen next month.  It is also difficult for me to say but I honest to God don't know how I am so happy about her pregnancy as I take everyone elses so hard.  Hers just seems so different for some reason.  I actually do find it humerus because she has always said she lives vicariously through me with my vacations.  Maybe hers is so different because I am now living vicariously through her with her pregnancy.  All I can say is baby Kellen will be spoiled stinky by her Auntie Nay Nay and Uncle PoPo.  I said the other day that if Kellen was not here by April 20th (her due date is April 22nd and we are going on a cruise not long after) Anyways, if she isn't here by April 20th, I am sitting on Ambers stomach and pushing Kellen out.  Trent informed me that if I hurt Kellen, he was going to hurt me.  Yep, I sense a protective Uncle PoPo already. lol   

The ugly.  Well, that is me right now!  I am the ugly.  After typing this blog and crying, I feel horribly ugly.  I really just needed to let it all out.  I do apologize to those who sincerely took the time to read my blog even the bad part.  I meant no offense to anyone in this blog, I just need to let some feelings flow.  Trent is my rock and my hero and I am so blessed with an amazing man to listen to me and let me cry on his shoulder.  Again though, I hate crying to him about all this as I know it is difficult on him too and I hate bringing out the negativity and sadness in him.

Right now more than ever, WE CAN NOT WAIT until our vacation.  Cruise time CAN NOT get here quick enough.  This trip is so much needed and well deserved for the two of us.  Anyways, I guess now, I will get off of here and take my frustrations out on working out.

Life Update - It's been a while.

Wow, it has been a long time since I have truly updated everyone on us.  I will try to make it as short and sweet as possible.  We have been doing good.  We have been extremely busy.  We had hoped that during our break with IUI's we wouldn't have to worry about a thing in the world.  WRONG!!!  Without going into the whole long story, I will just say that we have had nothing but drama out of dentist.  I think we have finally found a dentist that knows what they are doing.  We hope atleast.  The first dentist caused a root canal on Trent, the second dentist said Trent had 8 cavities and finally he went to a third dentist that seems to know what they are doing so hopefully, all the dental drama is done.  We have had a couple other things also.  It just seems like everything hits at one time always.  My little Heart and Sew Creations business has really been booming and I have honestly been staying pretty busy with all of that stuff on top of my full time job.  Each day when I come home, I am sewing something.  Its busy and I like it.  Its exactly what I had hoped for and it is defiantly helping bring in a little money. 

Yesterday, I had a yearly follow up with my woman doctor and they had some encouraging words even though, I feel like I have almost gave up on the IUI's.  Of course, we are still going to continue them when the time comes that we can start back but obviously they are discouraging me.  First of all, I felt absolutely ridiculous because I am used to Trent being with me to all of those kinds of appointments these days and obviously he wasn't there because it was just a yearly check up.  We know the nurse that works in the office and she asked where we were in the whole process and for some crazy reason, I teared up.  It was crazy because I haven't cried over infertility in a really long time.  The ridiculous part was because I felt like I was crying just because Trent wasn't there with me.  The nurse comforted me and told me she totally understood.  I explained to her where we were and also told her we are closer to adoption than ever.  We haven't started adoption papers or anything so we can't just go broadcasting to pregnant women however, if one approached us, we could take it.  The nurse said, you never know, it could happen.  I had told her to keep us in mind and she said we were definitely top on her list.  I had explained to her as I explain to everyone that I would like to pursue both and whichever one happened first was obviously what God's will was for us and it was just meant to be.  I also told her, It is all God's timing and we were just waiting for his time.  She had reassured me that I had the best thinking possible.  Without our faith in God, we would never have a child.  When the doctor came in, he also asked our progress and I had also explained to him and told him adoption was definitely an option.  He was honestly encouraging because he knew we have had 5 failed IUI's however, he also reassured me that with Nashville Fertility Center, we were at the best place we could be not to give up and keep trying.  This made me feel good however, I obviously still have my doubts if it is meant to be in that way.  He also really comforted my fears about infertility drugs causing cervical cancers.  He said that had been a concern however, it has not been proven a fact that the infertility drugs do in deed cause cancer.  He also said the women who get cancer with infertility drugs, its usually related to not ovulating however, since I ovulate, it reduces my risk even more.  Anyways that's enough with the whole infertility deal since we are taking a break from it, I don't even like to talk about it.  We are on a break so we shouldn't worry about it at all right?

Anyways, I have been searching for FOREVER for a police picture for Trent and I have NEVER had any luck finding one.  You would think googling police pictures, cop pictures, policeman pictures, etc would find something but no.  Never any luck.  Trent has also always wanted a police picture which fueled my fire to find one a little bit more.  Well, a friend on facebook posted a cop picture and Trent had responded "where did you find this. I freaking want it."  When I saw that comment, I was bound and determined to find it somewhere somehow.  The person who posted it, did not have the picture just saw it on someone else profile and re posted it.  Well, at the top of the picture, it said The difference between us and them so I googled that saying.  Still nothing.  Well, I then googled The difference between us and them police picture and TADA!!!!  It popped right up.  I was the happiest girl in the whole world.  Well they had a small picture like a 9x13 that wasn't framed or anything then the next size up was framed and was 18x26.  Needless to say, since it was so big, it was pretty pricey.  When I got ready to check out, I saw a spot for a promo code.  I then called the company and asked them if they would give me the promo code and they did therefore, it saved me $40.  $40 is ALOT compared to what I gave for it.  It definitely helped with the price and I was very appreciative for them giving it to me.  Also, you remember our hero hallway post?  I had mentioned I wanted to get my curio cabinet from my parents and put it in the hallway and put cop stuff in it.  Well, we got my curio cabinet and it is all fixed up in the hallway.  See the pictures below for our new and improved hallway and also to see picture of the police picture I bought my Trentie.

I hope everyone else is doing well.  The biggest thing we look forward to is our upcoming vacation.  We can't wait to get away.  We are really excited also because Trent's parents are going with us.  Hopefully we can get them addicted to cruising like us.  lol. 

Anyways, enjoy the pictures posted below. 



Curio Cabinet with PoPo stuff in it.  It also has something
Fireman in it for Uncle Kenny and then it has something
Army in there for Uncle Ernie.

Picture of our wall where we hung the new picture I got Trent.  The middle
picture is his new picture I got him.  The picture on the left, I actually
crosstitched for him, the one on the right, I bought him when he first
became a cop and then the one on the very top is the Policeman Prayer
with his picture.  The other ones are some of his certificates.

The new picture I got him.  I absolutely LOVE it.  I love the policeman with wings
that looks like the American flag also, the flag with the eagle at the top right corner.
I also love that the cop has his arm around a little kid.  I love that because Trent loves
kids and when he deals with kids at work, when he tells me the stories at home, his
eyes just light up.


The Breaking Point and Same Ol' Infertility Crap

Really, I just don't even know where to start.  I guess I will start by saying we tested this morning and as always, it was no surprise that it was negative again.  We have had alot of crap lately that has just built up to make things so difficult.  Without going into our financial business, I will just say that we both have dental work that has to be done (not to mention it is due to a negligent dentist), an outrageous bill we just received for blood work done back in December for infertility, and a couple more things that all add up and not to mention all our infertility costs up to date.  All of this is really starting to wear on us as we have already spent so much money on it all.  I just feel like we are flushing thousands of dollars down the toilet.  And Not that we aren't happy for people that we find out are pregnant but its hurtful.  The whole time we have been trying, we have known a ton of people to become pregnant.  Quiet obviously it's hard to get that news.  Last night as we are hearing of yet more people that are pregnant, obviously, in the back of our minds, we are anxious about testing this morning.  All this built up, just led to a horribly sad and disastrous night.  Last night, with all these things built up, it really hit me hard and I was honestly at a huge breaking point.  I broke down and cried more than I have in a VERY long time.  Now is the time to say just how much I admire my wonderful husband.  We had company and I had to excuse myself to the bedroom because as I sat on the couch, tears started to fall.  Once I got in the bedroom, I just had to let it all out.  Once company left, my Trentie came in, laid on the bed with me and just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.  At the time when everything seems SO wrong and so very hard, the instant he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head into his chest just to let me cry, it just instantly felt like everything was SO right and was just a little bit easier.  I absolutely LOVE the marriage that we have and as I have said probably a million times, I am incredibly proud of us and everything that we have been able to accomplish. 

Now that I have rambled the first paragraph.  We have been trying to plan our vacation and last night (especially with that one huge unexpected bill) we started to think that we will most likely not be taking a vacation this year.  Yes, we know its not the end of the world not to have vacation however, this is something that we thoroughly enjoy together.  What bothers us more than anything is that something that we don't even have is holding us back. If we had a child, we would care less if we went on vacation however, this is one thing that we LOVE doing together and we can't even do it.  It just seems unfair that we have went through all this stress and finance of infertility for nothing up to this point.  We should be able to and in our opinions, we very much deserve to be able to go on vacation which we love to do so much together and just relax and forget about everything we have been through over the past 3 years of trying to get pregnant.  Anyways, in all this being said, who knows what we will do for vacation.  We wanted to go on a cruise and my in laws go with us but who knows now if that will happen.  We may have to just escape somewhere for the weekend.  This afternoon when I got home from work, Trent said screw it, we were going to do what we originally planned and go on a cruise and enjoy ourselves.  We will see what actually plays out and happens though.

This morning, Larry Winget posted on his facebook page something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  He said "People say "Never give up!" While I get that you shouldn't give up too soon, there is a time to give up. Some people stick with a thing that is never going to work. Why not go ahead and give up on a bad idea? Even when you have given a good idea your all and it just doesn't work for you, walk away and go try something else"  This is something that I have seriously been battling with for a while. While I am not ready to give up on what we are doing, Is it time?  I have mentioned very little on the blog about my thoughts of adoption but more and more, I feel like it is time to move on.  Trent has thought more about it lately than ever however still not quiet to the point of starting the process. Anyways, he actually came to my work and took me out to eat for lunch today.  It was nice to get away because after such a rough night last night and the negative this morning, I didn't really feel like being at work.  When he picked me up, I could just tell that everything had been weighing on his mind alot today.  I don't know if many people remember this or saw it on the blog but remember little Matthew the adoption that fell into our laps just a couple weeks after we found out what our fertility problem was?  Well, obviously, timing just wasn't right at that point and time.  We hadn't had time to grieve our issues and even think straight much less take in a child right then and there.  Do we regret not taking him in?  No, he is in a WONDERFUL home now and his parents very much deserved a child just as much as we did therefore, I am tickled for the family that got him.  Now the question is do we look back and it make us sad?  Absolutely.  It is hard to look back and say that we could have a child a year and 5 months old.  Anyways, back to my story.  Trent said that he had been beating himself up all morning for not taking Matthew when we had our chance.  I told him, the last thing we can do is beat ourselves up for it.  He feels like God opened that door for us and we turned around and closed it.  Timing just wasn't right.  If it was meant to be, it would have happened.  Trent says he is tempted to call the lady back that told us about Matthew and tell her to keep her ears open for us.  I know that God still has a very special plan for us, I just wish we didn't have to wait and see what that plan is.  We want to know NOW!!!

Anyways, I will end this blog now as it has been ridiculously long.  Please just continue to keep us in your prayers as we have so much on our plates right now.  By the way, If any of you out there that are reading this is pregnant, please don't take offense to what I said earlier.  It is just very difficult for us to hear of so many people pregnant when we want nothing more in this world than to become parents.