Clomid 100mg = IUI or No IUI?

I have took it upon myself during all of my IUI cycles to do the at home ovulation test.  (Last IUI cycle I didn't.  Don't know why, I just never did.)  This morning, I was supposed to have a day study at Waynesboro sleep lab.  Last night before I went to bed I thought of all days, watch me get a positive ovulation test in the morning when I am supposed to do the day study.  I ended up going to bed thinking it was pretty impossible to get a positive today because it is only CD (Cycle Day) 9 but I always do them to be on the safe side so we don't miss anything.  Welp, I woke up this morning, tested and low and behold, it was positive.  I immediately kind of freaked out, panicked, and thought Oh crap, what now?  I immediately called my boss.  He didn't answer.  After all, it was only about 6:30 this morning.  I then turned around and called Trent (he was on his way home from work) and prepared him he wouldn't be getting much sleep today as we would most likely be going in to the Fertility Center this morning.  Hung up, called my boss back and Thank God!  He answered.  He knows everything we are going through so I told him we got a positive ovulation test and I needed him to go to Waynesboro and run the day study.  I was much closer to Waynesboro than him and there is no way he would have made it there by the time the patient was supposed to be there so I told him I would go start the patient if he could just come to me ASAP and relieve me.  He said he was going to stop by the Columbia office for a few and do a few things and then for me to call him when I talk to my doctor.  I called the doctors office at 8am when they opened.  Left them a message and they called me back 5-10 minutes later.  They wanted me to come to the office ASAP.  They said that the ultrasound tech was leaving at 11:30 could I be there by then.  I told them it would take me well over 2 hours to get there because I was working in Waynesboro and that is not including the time it was going to take my boss to get to me.  She put me on the books for Follicular Ultrasound at 11:30 but told me to call if I couldn't make it by then and she would schedule us for tomorrow.  I hung up, called my boss back and told him he had to get there ASAP.  It really kinda put him in a tough spot because he had things that needed to be done in Columbia but he ended up not coming to Columbia and came straight to me in Waynesboro.  He got to me and relieved me around 9:15.  I booked it and sped like a devil to get home and pick Trent up.  Picked Trent up, sped like a devil to Nashville and finally got there around 11:05.  Thank God!  We made it. 

Trent LOVES watching the ultrasound.  He has become a pro at being able to identify my follicles himself.  I can't usually see the ultrasound screen because of the way it is turned.  During this ultrasound, I watched him the whole time.  While she was looking around, he holds up 2 fingers.  At that point he had spotted 2 follicles.  After done looking on the right side, she says, you don't have any ready on the right side.  She moved to the left side looked around for a minute.  Then said ok, you don't have any ready, let me go talk to Dr. Hill and let him view the size of them and what the outer edges of the follicles look like.  Get dressed and come on out.  When she left the room, me and Trent were left totally confused.  Did I really expect to be ready today?  No!  It's only CD 9.  It's typically too early to ovulate but I thought well maybe 100mg Clomid really kicked me into gear.  But more than that, we wondered what it meant by let Dr. Hill see what the outer edges of the follicles looked like.  We still don't know what she meant by that but oh well.  Anyways, I got dressed and came out.  The nurse practitioner came and got us.  She then explained to us that we do not have any follicles ready, it is still early and Clomid probably just caused a false positive ovulation test.  If everyone will remember, I have gotten a false positive before on Femara however, they did say that time that they thought it detected ovulation because I was so close to it and if we would have waited until our originally scheduled day, we would have probably missed it and not had the IUI that month.  Well, this false positive is totally different.  We are not ready and they are wondering how well I am really responding to this cycle.  It is really odd hearing that I may not be responding well this cycle for a couple reasons.  1) Normally my follicles are over 20mm and 2) I don't have problems with ovulation I always ovulate.  That has never been a problem for me.  I am obviously somewhat responding because I did have 4 total egg follicles so I responded as far as making more eggs but the follicles are still small in size.  They are only counting 3 follicles because one of them was small.  Again, it is only CD 9 so it is early and they do still have time to grow however, we have been told in the past they only grow approx 2mm a day.  They like to see them at 18mm and I had 3 on the right side.  2 at 12mm and 1 at 13mm.  On the left side, I had 1 at 10mm.  This is the one they are not really counting.  This month could be VERY different from all the other IUI cycles because of me not responding quickly.  I will be going back in on Friday (my originally scheduled day) to see what my progress is then.  Lets say they do grow 2mm a day, that still only puts the largest follicle at about 17mm which still isn't 18mm that they want to see.  They said depending on what we see on Friday, we could trigger me to ovulate then and go in for IUI Saturday however, to me they talked more like depending on what is seen on Friday, they will tell me when to give myself the trigger shot over the weekend and possibly go in for IUI on Monday.  I have never given myself the trigger shot.  It is given in the stomach.  Not looking forward to that if I have to.  Its just odd because usually I go in for ultrasound, they trigger me that day, and the next day is IUI.  This time though because I am responding slow, this whole cycle may be totally different.  They did also say that I may just not respond well at all this cycle and we may have to skip this IUI all together.  Me and Trent really feel this won't be the case.  We just feel like today was just too early all together.  Now, I don't believe I will have follicles as large as we are used to however, I do think they will end up good enough to do IUI. 

I am so hopeful that the 3 on the right side will end up being good enough size and we can do IUI this month.  It is exciting to know that I have 3 possible eggs and everything that was wrong with me previously is now gone therefore if I can ovulate 3 eggs, just think of the possibilities.  We are also hopeful that this round will work because we did ask them about the injections today just in case this round failed and we had to move to injection meds.  They said that for 1 full cycle of injection meds it will run $2,000 to $3,000.  This does include though the blood work and ultrasound monitoring, meds, and IUI.  This is still ridiculous though because our normal cycle with meds, ultrasound, and IUI is usually about $500 a cycle.  With injections though, you run many more risk so they have to monitor you VERY closely with numerous blood work and ultrasounds so I am sure that is part of what runs the cost up so much but of course, the injections them self is more expensive than what the med is that I am on now. 

Anyways, I just wanted to update everyone on what all happened today and what we are facing for this month.  I like knowing what to expect and as for our previous 6 IUI's everything was the same.  One day was ultrasound and trigger shot and the next day was IUI.  This cycle is gonna make me crazy because it appears it is much more hectic than our previous cycles and we are clueless as to what is really gonna be taking place this cycle.  We will try to keep everyone updated and let you all know what happens on Friday and where we are going from there.

Comparisons and Thoughts

Before I say anything concerning what this blog is about (other than the hint of the title), I want to start by saying in no way, shape, form or fashion am I trying to degrade what others go through with certain diseases they may battle.  The one disease you are going to see me mention in this blog is cancer and let me tell you upfront that I have the biggest heart for cancer patients and cancer absolutely scares the crap out of me because of Trent's strong family history of cancer.  Not boasting by any means just trying to get my point across that in no way am I trying to degrade other diseases but each year, we even donate to cancer funds and charities.  I have seen 2 too many people in Trent's family suffer and pass of cancer and it is a very difficult thing to watch someone suffer through.  So, while I am on the topic of 2 too many people in Trent's family passing from cancer, I want to take a second to remember them.

Trent's Uncle Kenny was honest to God, one of the most christ-like men
I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  He was the sweetest and
most kind hearted person anyone would ever want to meet and not to
mention he had a great sense of humor too.

Trent's Maw Maw Rhinehart was also a one of a kind woman.  She was
also so very sweet.  She always wanted me and Trent to get married and
unfortunately, she passed before we got married but we was able to do
something in memory of her at the wedding.

I often think of Trent's uncle and Maw Maw as I just loved the both of them dearly.  I honestly looked at them as if they were my own true relatives. 

Anyways, on to the blog of the day!  I am going to start by posting things and comments from others that I have read which to me in a sense made me feel a little better because it just reassures me I am not some kind of crazy person.  The journey of infertility will just simply make you that way.

So here it goes:
*Research has found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients, as well as HIV patients and chronic pain patients.  ( I wanted to start with this as it will be the outline of the half of this blog).
*Infertility treatment, according to the statistics, is likely to cause anxiety and depression equivalent to that experienced by those with cancer or HIV/AIDS. With infertility there is guessing, hoping, and odds that are often different in theory than in practice. Infertility treatment takes a significant toll on your body, relationships and finances -- and it is up to each individual to determine when she can take no more. My suggestion on what to say when you learn that someone is suffering from infertility is very simple: If you find yourself at a loss what to say or an impulse to say any of the previous things that you shouldn't, just say a heartfelt "I'm sorry" -- that is plenty.
*(someone else said this in their blog, this is not talking about my blog)Which brings me to the topic of this blog  - the inability of those outside of the infertility experience to understand just how much emotional pain and stress is experienced when having a child of your own is next to, or actually, impossible.
*Saying that one is worse than the other is unfair. Both are entirely different medical conditions that put different things at risk. It would be nice, however, if infertile people received attention that’s comparable to what is given to cancer survivors.*I have had cancer and IF, and IF was worse for me! (IF = Infertility.  I also saw several people post that they have suffered with both and IF was worse.  This is just an example)
*I’m a childhood cancer survivor (was diagnosed at 9) and have been dealing with infertility as a result. I can tell you that for me, the infertility has brought back a lot of the feelings of helplessness that I had during cancer treatment as a kid. I can also tell you that I often feel alienated amongst groups of women, who all inevitably have tons of kids. This feels very similar to how I often felt left out at school when I was going through treatment.  For me, the infertility is completely connected and related to everything I’ve been through with cancer and yet another reason why I hate what I’ve had to go through. But none of the side effects or the treatment that I went through can compare to the emotional upheaval I have been through with infertility.
I’ve also found that it is much more difficult and private secret. There are few ways to hide cancer when you are going through it but nobody would know by looking at me the battle I’m currently facing. So infertility has been much more difficult for me in reality.
*How many of you can go through the feelings of death of a family member every single month? That’s what an infertile woman goes through, sometimes for many many years.
*I have dreamt of being a mother since I can remember. I have a huge family all of whom have multiple children. I do not socialize with any friends or family with children if I can help it.*I am a different person than I was three years ago. I cry all the time now — whereas before I was pretty unshakable. My whole family knows about my infertility, and so do many of my friends, but no one understands the “etiquette” that to me seems like it ought to be common sense. For example: telling an infertile woman about your own pregnancy details or talking about someone else’s pregnancy, or baby, is excruciating. It’s like punching her in the throat. I feel this feeling everyday when someone says something well-meaning yet caustic.

Something else I saw several people mentioning which to me shows the severity of stress and depression that infertility can cause, is the mention of suicide.  Several people have said they think about it all the time or I even saw a one say she attempted to hang herself but by the Grace of God the rope snapped so she was unsuccessful.  Now, I can NEVER say that I have EVER considered that.  I have WAY too much to live for.  Yes, it is very saddening and depressing at times to know that I am still childless and may be for the rest of my life however, I have an amazing husband that is there with me and for me the whole way through.  If I had to live just me and him for the rest of my life, that would be ok too.  As hard as it is to know that God has not blessed us with a child, I have to Praise God for his works in my life and giving me one heck of an awesome man that I never in a million years imagined I would ever have.  Thank God for his plans and blessings on my life. 

This next one I think is a nice way to compare things that are said to someone who is infertile however would NEVER be said to someone suffering cancer.
*“Relax, just stop thinking about it.” Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems or
cancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical explanation.

One last thing that I will post from someone else and then I will move on to my thoughts.
*I recently had a conversation with two friends of mine (who happen to be infertile) about why others cannot seem to grasp the gravity of infertility. Many people in the infertile world often compare infertility to cancer because everyone seems to be able to empathize with cancer patients, however very few are able to empathize with infertility patients.
People seem to think it's ok to jokingly offer an infertile person their children. This is not appropriate. "Oh you can't have kids? ha ha ha, you can have mine! ha ha ha." This is neither appropriate nor funny to someone suffering from infertility.
People would never dream of joking with a breast cancer patient by offering them a boob. Not appropriate, not funny.
But people continue to offer us their kids, and I continue to respond by saying "I'll take them."
My friend recently said: I was thinking of other examples [besides cancer].... Like dismemberment, loss of a child (which clearly relates). As for empathy, I think people see childbearing as a right or something only for those so approved... I have been told many times that this shows I should not have kids because there is clearly something wrong with me. People see infertiles as second class, so there is no need to empathize.
My other friend said:Would you tell a person with lymphoma that God didn't mean for him to live long and he should just accept it?
We think not, so why, why, WHY is it ok to tell infertiles that they weren't meant to have children, weren't meant to be parents, that things have worked out for the best?
Unacceptable.
When we use cancer as an example (and I am not alone in this), we are not trying to belittle cancer patients, we are trying to raise awareness of infertility and it's gravity in order to help others understand.

Me talking now:  These are just a few small examples of what infertile people hear that would never be said to a cancer patient.  Another one that really gets me that someone would NEVER say to a cancer patient is "This is God's will for you"  Would you ever tell a cancer pt it was God's will for them to get cancer?  Absolutely not therefore, it is not appropriate to tell an infertile person that it is God's will for them not to have a child.  Now, I do believe all of this is in God's miraculous plan for us however, I will never be convinced it is God's will for us to not have a child.  My husband brings tears to my eyes watching him with Kellen.  Just yesterday when we left Manchester, I cried on my way home just because of how it still hurts at times to see Kellen and what hurts even more than that is seeing Trent with her.  How can he not deserve a child?  I have never in my life seen a man so good with babies/kids as what he is.  When she cries, he doesn't care, he still loves on her and doesn't want to give her up to anyone.  Usually most men would be passing the baby up as soon as it starts crying.  Not him, it drives him crazy when people ask to take her when she is crying.  Her crying doesn't phase him at all. 

Here is just a sweet picture that I feel the need to post at this time.

This to me is just so picture perfect.

Kellen is such a PoPo's girl.  In the past, she has cried when I took her from Trent and when I gave her back, she quit crying and smiled.  Well, yesterday, mom took Kellen from him and she had a fit and then mom gave her back and she settled down.  She loves her Uncle PoPo so much already and it just melts my heart. 

Amongst me crying yesterday about seeing Trent with Kellen, it was just a combination of other things.  1) the whole insensitivity to infertility when others have so much sympathy through their diseases.  Yes infertility is a disease and it deserves just as much acknowledgement as any other disease.  I explained it to Trent yesterday like this.  Infertility is just the red headed step child of diseases and no one really cares about it.  Most people can have children on their own therefore, no one cares about the suffering and difficulties of infertility  2) lately, I have had a couple of people who have not really supported us or said anything to us about our infertility to text me wanting something then ask how we were.  If the only reason you are asking me how we are is to get something out of me, don't ask about us period.  I would rather you never ask about us than to play it off like you care just to get something out of us.  Sorry I am a little blunt here but just speaking my emotions.  3) I have had it weighing on me lately about infertility and the awareness/charities for it.  4) Feeling as if some people are judgemental

This next comment is also one that I have read from someone else
*I feel strongly that we as infertility sufferers, should be publicly supported the same way that any group is recognized, and I believe that it is our responsibility as infertile women to get that word out there and ask for the support

As I post this previous comment, it is just a part of what I have had weighing on me so much lately.  There are so many charities out there for so much stuff however, you really don't see charities out there for infertility.  I have said many many times before that me and Trent are not rich by no means but I can only give all the Glory to God that we have been able to pay for what we have went through.  I am going to be totally blunt at this point.  We have now spent over $15,000 and have not once asked for any help from anyone.  This is a journey that we have had to embrace and struggle through.  As we struggle through this financial burden, I again can't help but to Thank God that we have been able to do what we have up to this point and are still not done spending money on it.  In saying all of this, I 100% realize that there are people out there in our same situation and my heart crushes for them knowing that there is no way possible for some to be able to even have a chance on creating life for themselves.  If me and Trent run out of vials and are still not pregnant, we can still Praise God for the fact of knowing that we had the financial ability to pay for it and at least give it a try.  If we run out of vials and still don't end up pregnant, at least we can feel good knowing that we gave it our all and done absolutely everything possible withing our financial means to have a child.  Now, on to the point in saying all of this.  I would have no clue where to start and how I would even do it.  I honestly don't know that it would ever happen but I would love nothing more than to be able to help others out through their journeys as we have struggled and know what it is like.  I wish that I could start some type of Infertility Charity to help some striving couples out to try and achieve their dreams.  You might say, why would we do this when we have paid so much ourselves but again, I say we would do this because I thank God that we have been able to do this.  Yes, extra money would be nice for us however, we are grown adults and have worked through this hardship to the best of our abilities and would never throw ourselves or ask someone to throw us a "fundraiser" or something to that extent.  My sister brought up a great point that if we were to start some type of infertility charity to help others maybe we could do 5k's or something.  We could do one 5k in Manchester and one 5k in Lawrenceburg each year and that would help to bring in some money to help others out.  From that point, we could do applications or interview people or what not to decide on which ones that would truly need the help.  I am a believer that you experience things in life so that you can help others to overcome the same thing that you have experienced in life.  If I could help just 1 person through our journey and our experiences, that would make me very happy.  I would love nothing more than to help others even if not financially but emotionally through such a horrible trying journey that we have been faced with.  Again, I don't know that my charity idea would every work but it is just a thought I have had lately.

One other thing I have struggle with is feeling like maybe some people are judgemental of us not understanding what we are going through and our emotions.  Don't understand why we act the way we do, say the things we do, why we have ups and downs etc.  Because of this, I was telling Trent that sometimes this is the reason I feel like blogging might hurt me because it could make people more judgemental but on the same hand, I feel I am doing an injustice to those who love us and do truly support us through this journey we are on if I didn't blog.  So in saying that, I again want to say Thank You so very much to our loyal supporters who keep me thriving and keep me blogging.  It does make me feel better to blog but again, I can see how it can make some people be judgemental of us. 

In ending this blog, just an update on this cycle.  I started my meds on Thursday and will be taking the last dose of it tomorrow and to this point, I haven't noticed any side effects.  We was very concerned about this with the increased dose but so far, so good.  I may have had 1 or 2 hot flashes but they weren't bad so I can't complain.  On Friday, we will be going in for our ultrasound and we are praying for 17 eggs.  lol.  I don't know why I keep using this number but that's what I keep saying.  We are praying for several eggs though in hopes that this will really help us out.  Again, if everything is good Friday, Saturday will be IUI and we will test on the 26th.

 Anyways, this has just been some of my thoughts lately and I wanted to share with everyone.  I hope everyone is doing well.

IUI #6 Failed = IUI #7 FULL of Emotions

I had posted on Facebook about our negative pregnancy test but honestly really have not felt like blogging and still don't to be quiet honest but figured I should at least half way fill in all of our supporters.  I honestly am not going into ALL of the emotions of it because I have way too much stuff going on this go around that I can't even begin to describe the emotions I am having through it all.  This negative has been so difficult and so much more difficult than any before.  Just the day before we tested, I had told myself I WAS NOT taking no for an answer this time and well guess what?  Quiet obviously, I now have no other choice than to accept no as the answer.  This in itself is so much different than any time before because all previous times, I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't so I wouldn't get my hopes up.  I honestly don't know what it is about this time but it has really messed with me bad.  I am not myself at all.  I just feel bad for poor Trent having to put up with me.  Yesterday on my way home from work, we were talking about our IUI's and I don't know exactly what the conversation was but I said IUI #7 and at that instant, it was like the biggest punch in the chest.  We have been through so much crap over the past 2 years since we found out what our problem was (of course later found out that wasn't all of it).  It was just such a stab at the heart to realize we have really done this 6 times now.  Its so hard to believe what all we have endured through it all.  It is hard for me to believe I am still alive and kicking through it all.  When I got home from work, he kept telling me I was grouchy.  I really didn't see it much but then when we laid down, it just hit me that I really had been grouchy but all that we have been through, the negative and what we were getting ready to face again was really weighing on my mind and it was really taking a toll on me.  Earlier in the night, we was playing around and I was hitting on him and he poked me in the stomach.  It didn't feel good and I cried.  I mean seriously?  I cried because he poked me?  It did hurt a little but there is no reason I should have been crying.  I am totally embarrassed to tell this next story.  Today I have been horribly emotional.  For one, I went to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy and when I picked up my shot, it was $90.  Yes, $90 for 1 shot.  It had went up $8 just from last month.  That upset me and I cried.  I can honestly understand my tears from that just for the simple fact that I am SICK AND TIRED of spending money on infertility.  It absolutely disgust me to know how much we have spent since we started this journey.  What disgust me more is that we have now paid on the low end of the range of what we were told In Vitro would have costed.  I just feel like I have been crying on and off all day though.  Now here is the embarrassing part.  Earlier today, Trent told me he was fixing sloppy joes for supper tonight.  I told him I didn't want that and he said ok, what about tacos?  I was just kind of like eeehhh, not really sure.  Well, during the day, I had worked myself up for tacos and decided I thought it sounded good.  So, I get home from work, get showered sit down and relax and after he has showered, he comes in and gets ready to fix supper and pulls out sloppy joe stuff to fix.  I said your not fixing tacos?  He said no, we don't have the stuff here.  Yep, that's when I started crying.  I cried because he wasn't fixing me tacos for supper.  SERIOUSLY?  That is completely and utterly ridiculous.  Needless to say, he went to the store and got the stuff to make me tacos.  That boy sure does love me. lol.  Alright, I will quit embarrassing myself with my crying tantrums now.  Trent even said he is having a harder time with this one than any before but at least he isn't acting all insane like me.  Poor thing.  Speaking of my emotions, I am getting ready to start Clomid back and they have increased my dose so I am hoping and praying it doesn't make me even crazier than I already am the past few days otherwise, someone may want to come and rescue Trent.

Anyways, now that I have embarrassed myself, just a few thoughts.  1)  I am starting to struggle with infertility more than ever.  I feel like if I keep up at the pace I am at, I will be struggling with it worse than I ever have in the past.  I really don't want to be set back in the upset, not happy person phase that I was at one point.  I still feel like I am a happy camper and deal with everything as well as possible however, I am having a very difficult time coping with things right now.  It really just comes and goes in phases.  One minute I am fine and the next minute I am on the verge of mental breakdown.  I need more prayers now than ever to help me stay at peace with everything and we need prayer more than anything right now for a better understand of why all of this could be happening to us.  Not just that but also the why's of why it hasn't happened by now?  Have we not endured enough?  We have put our all into this and just don't know what more is expected of us.  2)  We have 4 vials left.  I sometimes want to say 3 vials just because one of our vials is not a very good one therefore, we are on the fence about if we will add the 1 bad vial in with our last try therefore, we have 3 - 4 tries left at this.  Anyways, my point in saying all of this is to say that if we are not meant to be parents, I just wish these last 3 or 4 tries would hurry up and come and go so we will know.  If it's not gonna happen then I just want it all done and over with so that we can hurry up and grieve the fact that we will never have our own child. Once we are out of vials, we will know that that's it and we have to suck it up get over it and move on.  At that point, we can either move on with our lives without a child and just love one another which we all know we are just fantastic at doing and have no problems doing this.  We sure know how to do this with no problem.  Or, we can move on by adoption.  We have always said we would adopt if we couldn't conceive on our own.  We even said this before getting married before ever knowing there was the slightest problem with the either one of us but I don't know how big of a rush we will get in if none of the last tries with IUI works.  We just pray though that it works and we can finally be the parents we have always dreamed of being.  3)  As much as I just want to move to injection meds now due to them being so much more potent, it scares me to move to this next step.  It scares me to move to this next step because when and if we get moved to injections, that means yet again another failure.  I say this because the doctor is trying me on 1 or 2 more rounds of pills until we move on to injections.  Shots are more likely to produce MANY more follicles which run the risk of multiples.  In the fertility world, doctors don't like for you to get pregnant with multiples, not even twins.  It looks bad for there records and as we all know, it can run more dangers.  This is the reason that they don't switch to injections unless they just have to and is also the reason that I haven't been tried on them already.

Anyways, on to the new IUI stuff.  Follicular ultrasound for IUI #7 is next Friday 12th.  If everything looks good that day, I will get my trigger shot and go in Saturday for the actual IUI.  I have very mixed feelings on the day that I am going in for the ultrasound.  Let me refresh every ones memory.  IUI 1-3 was on Clomid 50mg and I went in for Follicular ultrasound on cycle day (CD) 13 or 14 and 1 time, I actually went in on CD 15 I think.  I was then switched to Femara 5mg and reacted much quicker to that therefore I was brought in on CD 11 for my Follicular Ultrasound.  Well, this time they have switched me back to Clomid and increased it to 100mg and I will be going in on CD 11 for my Follicular ultrasound.  For Clomid, this just seems early to me however, it will be a higher dosage so maybe I will respond quicker like I did on Femara.  They are bringing me in on CD 11 because otherwise it will be over the weekend and I will be unmonitored and Monday will be CD14 so they don't want to take the chances on me possibly ovulating or us missing something over the weekend.  That is why the ultrasound will be done on Friday and a little sooner on my cycle days than normal on Clomid.  Clomid 50mg gave me horendous hot flashes and a couple really bad headaches but no mood swings.  I am curious to see what Clomid 100mg does to me saying I am already an emotional mess and if the hot flashes or headaches increase due to the increased mg, I will most likely be crazy from that alone. 

Anyways, that's that.  Just wanted to update everyone from the negative since I didn't blog about it previously like I normally do and also wanted to update everyone about our upcoming IUI coming up.  Based on my calculations, as long as everything looks good next Friday, we will be testing on the 26th.  Hopefully IUI # 7 will bring Gods greatest blessing and miracle to our family.  After all, it is IUI #7 and 7 is God's number.

IUI #6 = Full of Emotions

Don't know what is up with me the past 2 days but really don't feel like blogging so I will try to sum it all up pretty quickly today.  I do have a ton of emotions going on though so will try to add those into this quick little blog.  This morning we woke up and I was in total shock that it was actually the day that we would be going back for IUI.  It just really didn't seem real that after 8 months, we are actually having the chance to go back at it again.  I told Trent that maybe I am more anxious, excited, scared, nervous, and all that good stuff than I realize because as I was taking a shower this morning, for some reason at one point, I almost felt as if I couldn't breathe.  Something in my throat/chest area felt funny and I had to take a deep breathe.  Also, several times on the way to Nashville and before the actual IUI, I felt like I had to take in deep breaths and just breathe out slowly.  I felt like at times, I just really had to focus on what we were getting ready to experience yet again.  I look back at so many things and just Thank God that he has his hand in all of this.  If God wouldn't have played everything out just right, we would already be at the end of our Journey with still no child to show for it.  Also this morning as we were driving to Nashville, I just had an overwhelming thought to hit me that made me emotional.  I can't help but to think of how wonderful our donor is and just how grateful we are for him and his graciousness to us.  If it wasn't for him getting us more vials back in December, we would have only had 1 vial left and we would have used that in February and not waited this break.  He could have easily told us no that he was done helping.  I can't imagine what we have really put him through just to help us but we are more grateful than words could ever say for him and his selflessness.  Because he was gracious enough to get us more, we are able to continue our journey in trying to have a child.  If he wouldn't have gotten us more vials, we would have used all of our vials and still never known that I myself had an infertility problem.  Luckily, now before today, we had 5 vials left and found my problem and fixed it.  That among other things had my emotions going early this morning.  I teared up several times again just going to Nashville this morning realizing how blessed and lucky we are that we even have the chance to try and have our own child.  There are some people out there that are not as lucky as we are and will never be able to attempt parenthood of their own child.  I often say no one will ever understand what we are going through and I still stick to that however, we will never understand what someone is going through that for example has had to have a hysterectomy at an early age due to health issues.  I can't imagine not even being able to take a chance at our journey.  Anyways, I will get off of the emotions I had going to Nashville.

 

Now, on to today.  We had been saying all along that these vials that we have left (other than 1) will have better numbers than we have ever had before however, in the midst of everything, we looked over one very important factor and just this morning realized the numbers would not be as GREAT as what we thought they would be but still thought they would be somewhat better than before.  After getting to the fertility center this morning, we checked in, verified donor information and waited the hour for the vial to thaw. 



Here we are in the waiting room waiting on the vial to thaw.

 After a little over an hour, Lisa, the nurse came out to get us.  When we got through the doors, I immediately started looking down at the paper to try and see what it said.  I asked her "does that say 10 million motile count?"  She said yes and started smiling and said that's good.  That is what we like to see.  I said I know but we just thought the numbers was going to be better than any before.  She then told us she would thaw another vial if we wanted her to but she wouldn't if it was her.  We agreed that we didn't want to thaw another one either.  They want to see 10 million and 10 million exactly is what we had and we have used less than that before so I definitely wasn't complaining.  It just came as a bit of a surprise since we thought it was going to be better.  That was when we realized we missed the important factor that we forgot about.  Anyways, she then started picking on me about my book that I carry around.  I have a 2 inch folder that I have kept up with ALL of our infertility stuff in.  It also carries the donor's information so I can confirm everything when we go in and also tell them what vial I would like to use each IUI since all of the vial information is also kept in this book.  I tell you, this folder has it ALL.  She has always laughed at me because I carry this book around and always seem to have a list of questions in it that I have for them.  When I don't have my book with me, they thing something is wrong.  Actually last time I went in there without it was probably the only time I have ever walked in there with out it and she asked me "You mean you don't have your book with your list of questions today?  1, 2, 3, 4 ?" LOL.  I am sure I cant be the most organized crazy infertility person that they have ever seen.  Ok, I admit, I just might be.  Anyways, we got back to the room and I again asked her about our chances increasing since he removed the endometriosis, fibroid and polyps during surgery and she again confirmed our chances were better now since all of that is now gone.  "We are starting with a clean slate".  She also informed me in that room, we would only be positive.  lol.  The scary thing is, I feel a little too positive knowing we are starting with a clean slate and that scares me.  She even went as far as saying that she could just feel it, this was the time.  I told her that she was actually not the only person that has said this to us and this in itself scares me.  Why does everyone feel this way?  Just because they know everything we have been through or is God talking to EVERYONE one else and telling them this is it for us?  Anyways, She knows we like to pray over the vial and for each procedure before we do it so she gave us a minute to pray and then I got ready for her to come in.  She came in and just like always got the procedure done and over with in no time.  As she was pushing the sperm in where it should go, she said "Go Charlie Go, Swim Baby Swim"  She always make the procedure so comfortable and easy.  A little TMI ahead if you don't want to hear it, skip ahead to after the next picture.  After the procedure, she also confirmed for us that I had good cervical mucous there just like there should be during ovulation.  Again, the mucous is a vital part of getting pregnant and helping the sperm in getting to where it needs to be.  This made me and Trent VERY happy to hear this.  I have always been a little uneasy in the past and particular about wanting to know that we timed it just right.  Last night and this morning, Trent had asked me if I had the cervical mucous for ovulation and I didn't which made us nervous.  I don't know why but I just like to know that it is there and perfect timing.  Well, once we got to the fertility center while waiting for the vial to thaw, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed some there at that point.  God just comes through right on time for us. 

Right after IUI #6

This picture cracks me up for a couple reasons.  1, I think it is just perfect
to show our silliness.  I am truly not sure if there is a married couple out
there as crazy as we are.  We are truly nuts together.  We are always doing
crazy stuff.  2.  It cracks me up because after I got home and was putting this
picture on the computer, I was looking back at previous IUI pictures and
realized we had actually taken this same picture after another IUI.

Speaking of our silliness, one random day, Trent said he loved me and I was in my own little world and didn't respond to him so he busted out in this silly voice and said "I sssaaaayyyy!" and every since then, it seems like we say this all the time at random moments and for no real reason at all.  Well, my mom thinks it is so funny when we say this that she has informed us she wants us to tell her we are pregnant by saying to her "We sssaaayyy" so we have decided to add in in a continued silly voice, "We're gonna have a baby!".  My mom is always saying that we should have our own reality show because we are just crazy and honestly are just 110% ourselves around each other.  I feels good to be able to act like a 5 year old and not care what the other person thinks of you.  That is what we love so much about one another just the simple fact that we can be ourselves and honest to God love the craziness of each other.  Because we are so crazy together, we may just have to post that video for everyone to enjoy with her and us. 

IUI #6 gets two thumbs up.  Hopefully this will be the last IUI for about
2 years and we will save the vials we have and go back at it again

My calculations were wrong and we will actually be testing on the 27th instead of the 28th.  I forgot that we test 2 weeks after the shot, not 2 weeks after the actual IUI.  I can't believe how emotional I am over this IUI.  I have no idea why either.  The only thing I can think of is because our chances are greater than ever since my surgery.  I have been the biggest cry baby over the past couple of days.  I think some of that might have to do with the meds but not really sure.  Even putting the meds to the side, today was very emotional.  More so than any other IUI we have ever been through.  I cried after the IUI while I was laying there waiting my 15 minutes and then cried several times on our way home.  I think a little bit of it is being scared of the 2 week wait.  Other than that, I really don't know why my emotions are already running wild.  Oh, and speaking of the 15 minute wait after the IUI, if you will remember, Trent turned the timer up 5 minutes every single IUI previously and the one IUI he couldn't be there for, he made sure my mom knew it was her responsibility to do his job and increase the timer for him.  Well, he said a week or so ago, he was going to "change it up" and not touch the timer.  Today after the IUI, I asked him if he had increased the time I had to lay there and he said "No, I told you I was going to change it up".  I was shocked.  He didn't touch the timer.  We just thought it was funny that he always turned it up more so I would have to lay longer.

Anyways, I just pray that God will continue to see the desires of our heart and give us that sweet little blessing that we have so long desired.  I pray that he will also give us the strength and courage to make it through the next 2 weeks without too many emotions involved.  Every time previously, the 2WW honestly flew by but also seemed to be the hardest part of it all.  I would almost say even harder than the actual negative test.  Hopefully in 2 weeks, we will have WONDERFUL news to share with everyone until then, maybe I can keep everyone updated with our feelings and how we are doing.  Oh, and by the way, I guess even though I didn't feel like blogging, obviously, once I get doing it, I am just on a roll because this again ended up much longer than what I expected.  Sorry it was again so long and drawn out.

Follicular Ultrasound #6

Well, I am very happy to say that today's ultrasound went exceptionally well.  I was very anxious for today's ultrasound more so than I have EVER been for any other procedure we have been through.  In reality, I still realize it could never happen however, I am more anxious, excited and kinda scared over this procedure than I have EVER been before.  I think it is for the simple fact that I know we have better chances now than we have ever had before.  I have been reflecting back over our whole journey alot today and it truly amazes me what all me and Trent have endured over our whole relationship.  It all started with me and Trent 9 years and 8 months ago and during that time, we have endured a crazy journey of a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 years and we have always said that if we could make it through that, we could make it through anything.  We have been faced with several things in our almost 10 years of being together that could put us through the ultimate test but I feel like almost 3 and a half years ago when we started this whole baby making journey, we were faced with the biggest test and probably most challenging test we will ever face as a married couple.  We have faced this ultimate challenge of infertility with many emotions and it is thankfully by God's grace that this journey has not the first time caused any type of conflict in our marriage.  On the way to the ultrasound this morning, I couldn't help but to tear up several times just thinking about our whole journey and realizing how strong of a marriage we have and how strong I feel like we have been to pull through everything.  I also have been reflecting back on how far I have came just since April and that in itself makes me tear up.  After our failed procedure in January, I was almost at rock bottom.  I was more than happy to have the break that we were forced into and thought it was the best thing for us.  Unfortunately, during that time, I realized I really did not care much to start back with procedures.  I thank God, my sister, and Jack for their change of heart for allowing me to be in the delivery room when my sweet little Kellen was born.  I know I have told the story before but for those of you who don't remember, it was not the plan all along for me to be in the delivery room when Kellen was born.  The plan was for them to come out and get me when Kellen was born and let me have my time with her then.  Well, once Amber hit about 7cm, she told me she wanted me to stay in the room.  I look back now and truly think God had his hand in it all.  I was so much at rock bottom and not really wanting to start procedures back but really couldn't tell Trent no because I know how much it hurts him to hear me say I am done.  I now think God had a part in them allowing me to be in the room because the very next day after watching such a miracle being born into this world, I knew there was NO WAY IN THIS WORLD I could deny Trent of that.  That is the one thing he wants to experience more than anything.  Lol, Trent just asked what I was jawing about and told me to get to the point.  He says everyone probably doesn't want to hear about all of this.  So, I am so sorry to be rambling.  I have been told people like to hear the ups and downs so I just got to rambling and couldn't stop myself.  If I sometimes ramble too much, I am sorry.  Anyways, I will get to today very shortly.  I really don't know what got me rambling because to be quiet honest, I really did not feel like blogging and I had planned on this being a very short blog.  Anyways, in all of the previous being said, I am so very very excited for IUI #6 tomorrow.  We can't believe it is time to actually go in for the IUI.  It really doesn't seem like it is time already.  We have been 8 months without an IUI and again, the break was nice but we are more than ready to get back to our mission of having a sweet little baby.

Now, on to today.  Again, it went very well.  I did only have 1 follicle but, they like to see the follicles at 18mm and mine was 23.5mm.  The largest one I have ever had I think was 24.5mm so I am right on track and it is a nice big follicle which is great!  There was one HUGE shocker to me and Trent this time though.  I don't know why it matters and why we are making a big deal over it however, during all 5 previous IUI's the follicle was on the right side but this time, the follicle is on my left side.  We are hoping maybe the change will be a good thing.  Since the follicle was ready, I got the Ovidrel HSG shot and we return tomorrow for the IUI.  Of course, out of silliness, we say both of us are left handed so maybe my left side will be a good change and it will bring us our sweet little bundle of joy that is so far 3 years and 4 months in the making.  We will be going in tomorrow for the IUI with what we believe should be better numbers than we have ever had before.  Hopefully with a couple of things combined, IUI #6 will be just what it takes to make my wonderful hubby a daddy and me a mommy which we have desired for so very long.  According to my calculations, I still say we will be testing on September 28th and obviously will find out for sure tomorrow what day we will test. 

I also wanted to mention again just how much we love and appreciate all of our supporters.  Yesterday I went to the mailbox to find the sweetest card that someone sent to us.  It was from a Jessica.  I know a couple Jessica's but I felt like I knew right away which one sent the card.  The crazy thing is, I really have not talked to her since high school until just recently and she has been VERY supportive and encouraging over our journey.  I wondered how in the world she could have possibly gotten my address but I just knew the card had to have came from her.  I eventually got to talk to my sister to see if she knew exactly where this Jessica lived but she didn't.  After a little bit of questioning, my sister finally caught on and confirmed for me that it was in deed the Jessica that I thought it was.  My sister had given her my address.  Jessica, I know you are reading this blog!!!  Again, Thank You so very much for the card.  It really meant a ton to us that someone that we really haven't talked to would go out of their way to be so sweet and send us such a meaningful card.  I have in the past received a couple of other things saying people was thinking of us throughout our journey and just have not went out of my way to post about it but THANK YOU so much to all of our loving supporters who have been there for us during this tough trial in our lives.  It always brightens our days to get something so unexpected when we are going through this crazy journey that we are on. 

Sorry this turned into such a long blog as I didn't intend on it to but I guess it was just on my heart to share or else it wouldn't have turned into something so big.  I pray that God will just continue to see the desires of our hearts through tomorrows IUI and hopefully blesses us with that special little child that is already loved so very much. 

IUI #6 = BRING IT ON!

Holy Cow!!! I can't believe it, it is FINALLY that time again.


Pre Natal Vitamin and 2 Femara Pills

We are so excited for me to finally be taking those 2 little Femara pills again.  I also won't lie.  I haven't taken my Pre Natal vitamins since our last failed IUI and really didn't take them like I was supposed to back then.  Well actually back then the prenatal vitamins made me sick so I actually was taking 2 Flinstone vitamins but have decided to try the actual prenatal vitamins again.  I have gotten in trouble in the past by both the fertility doctor and my regular gyno for not taking it but they both definitely understood that I got discouraged and wasn't taking them like I should because of that.  They did say that I should at least be taking a good 1 a day woman's vitamin which I still went against there will and did not do.  Well, today officially started me trying to be a good girl and take them like I am supposed to.  Today was also day 1 on Femara.  I will take it through Sunday and then ...........................THURSDAY, WE WILL HAVE OUR FOLLICULAR ULTRASOUND.  Oh my goodness, I can't believe we are really starting back.  As long as the ultrasound shows a good egg on Thursday, Friday we will have IUI #6.

 

We are so very excited and are actually more excited this time than the very first IUI we ever had.  Me and Trent was actually just talking about how we are only a week away from ultrasound and I actually teared up because I was so excited to be starting back.  I still say the break was the best thing we needed BUT, we are more than ready to get everything started back again.  In the back of my mind, I still know that it is a possibility that we still may NEVER end up pregnant however, we both say what could really be stopping us now?  We obviously now know what we didn't know before and I was actually also dealing with infertility myself which is what was stopping us before but exactly what could really stop us now?  There is absolutely no reason I see that we shouldn't end up pregnant now.  I still know that it may not happen the first time starting back however, I am hopeful and confident that it should happen now.  As Dr. Hill said, my ovaries, my fallopian tubes, and my pelvic region looks good and now since my surgeries, I am cleaner than I will EVER be inside therefore, our chances are better now than ever.  Also, we have 5 vials left and in 4 of those vials, we have better numbers than we have EVER had before.  We are also hoping that since we have had an 8 month break from fertility drugs, maybe I will respond like I did the first month on fertility meds.  The first month on fertility meds, we had 3 good eggs for IUI #1 however, IUI 2-5, there was only 1 egg.  All I know is I sure can't wait until Thursday and Friday of next week. 

 

Halloween is Trent's favorite so we are praying we will be growing a little spook by the time October gets here.  Based on my calculations, we will be testing on the 28th of this month.

 

We are still waiting on God's plan for us to fall right in place.  God has already blessed us so much more than we ever deserved but we want nothing more than to have a little bundle of joy or 2.  Even though its still so very difficult to understand why us, we know God has placed us down this journey for a reason and we have to embrace it and grow from it.  Even though we have struggled embracing it at times, I still feel like we have done a good job with what we have been dealt with.  It's not an easy journey to be thrown into however, God has watched us through the whole thing and we know God will not give us more than we can handle.  Yes, we feel like God thinks we are much stronger at times than we think we are however, we know that God is in control and will take care of us.  There is a saying that I heard the other day that I have mixed feelings on however, for the most part I really like it.  I have also heard others with mixed thoughts on it but anyways, here it is.  "God won't protect you through what he can perfect you through"  Yes, I understand no one is perfect and I also know that God protects us through everything and that is the issue that I have with this statement however, I also know that when God knows he has bigger and better plans for you, he uses difficult situations to mold you into what he wants you to be.  God is just working on me and Trent and molding us through this journey.

 

Thank You so much to all of you loving supporters of ours out there who have been so encouraging to us knowing that we are getting ready to start back and Thank You for all the prayers we have already been receiving over the upcoming IUI.  I will update everyone again after next week.

Happy and We Know It - Post Op News!

I will start off saying I asked Trent what the title of the Blog should be and he said Happy and We Know It.  He said this because I am in a really good mood since leaving the doctors office from my post op visit and I was singing If your happy and you know it, clap your hands, stop your feet, etc.  Well we was at the gas station and there was a water puddle so I started singing if your happy and you know it, stomp in a water puddle and I done just that 3 different times and sent him on the run so I didn't get him wet.  LOL. 

I have been very anxious to follow up with Dr. Hill since my surgery.  Since he didn't talk to me after surgery, I just had to go off of what Trent and my mom was telling me.  We were very anxious to see how much the doctor thought removing the endometriosis and fibroid would help our chances in getting pregnant since it was supposedly so mild.  Well, Mom had said that after the surgery, Dr. Hill had said the endometriosis and fibroid along with other things could have prevented pregnancy.  I have been VERY curious as to what "other things" meant.  Well, today when we saw Dr. Hill, he was going over the pictures with me that he had printed during surgery.  I finally now know why he done the D&C which also explains what he meant by "other things".  I apparently had several polyps in my uterus which were all removed with the D&C and also sent to Pathology.  Thank God everything came back non cancerous.  We figure Dr. Hill said "endometriosis and fibroid along with other things" because he didn't want to mention the polyps until he knew if they were cancerous or not.  Me along with my family feels like he done the right thing by not mentioning polyps until we knew.  Dr. Hill did say today that endometriosis, fibroids, and polyps are all factors of infertility and since the surgery, I am cleaner than I will ever be and he definitely feels like this has increased our chances of getting pregnant.  He also recommends that we start IUI's back ASAP due to the fact that I am now cleaner than ever which is exactly what we had planned on doing.  He said to call with my next period and we will start fertility drugs back and do an IUI with that cycle.  This means in September, we will be starting back with our IUI's.  We are so very excited!!!  We have 5 vials left so we will do 1 to 2 more rounds of Femara and if we are not pregnant by then, we will then switch back to Clomid and do a higher dosage than what we used before.  If we still don't get pregnant then, we will try 1 to 2 cycles on FSH daily shots.  We are obviously hopeful and praying that we will get pregnant before then but we really hope we don't get to the point of having to do the shots because if I remember correctly, when we asked about the shots once before, I am thinking it was about $2,000 a month.  We are willing to try 1 maybe 2 rounds of this but really don't want to have to spend that much just on the medicine alone.  That will not include the price of the IUI itself. 

We had asked about the Endometriosis growing back and he said that yes, it could definitely grow back however we would be looking at a 15 to 18 month window before it normally grows back.  He said this was another reason that it would be smart to go ahead and do the IUI's when possible.  This also tells me that if we end up pregnant and have vials left that in a couple of years when we are ready to use the rest of the vials and try again, it may be a smart thing to do to go ahead and have another laproscopy, hysteroscopy and possible D&C again to make sure it has not grown back to prevent pregnancy that go around.

I had told Trent that whether they found anything else or not, the surgery was worth it for the polyps alone for the simple fact that they could have potentially been cancerous.  God really works in such mysterious ways.  Due to the fact that I am not a typical endometriosis patient and I never had any signs or symptoms of the endometriosis, fibroids or polyps, I would have never had the surgery done had it not been for the discomfort and pain I had been having off and on for a year now.  I would have never known about my infertility issues had I not been having the discomfort.  Who knows, we may have never had a chance at pregnancy if God didn't give me the unknown pain and discomfort.  Which by the way, that discomfort and pain I was having before the surgery has not went away therefore, it is most likely due to my appendix.  Dr. Hill did discuss that again with us today and said that he couldn't guarantee that is where the discomfort is coming from but he thought it probably was.  He says that it is nothing that I have to have done now if we wanted to do IUI's first, we could deal with the appendix later if I could live with the discomfort however, at some point I would probably want to see a General Surgeon about having the appendix removed.  He said he doesn't know what would make the appendix stretch and lay across the pelvic region the way it is but I was in no danger.

All I can do is Thank God that he has such a wonderful plan for our lives.  Who knows why everything works the way it does but God sure knows every little detail whether we understand it or not.  We are very Thankful that I have had the surgery and now have answers to us not getting pregnant and the discomfort I was having and Thankful that things were removed that could have had potential to be very bad.  We are Thankful lab results came back good with no cancer.  We are also Thanking God for giving us the opportunity to be able to start fresh and start IUI's back.  We sure can't wait till next month.  We are so very excited to get everything going again.  I can't believe it has been 7 months now since we have had a procedure done but again, God knows best.  We should have technically been able to start back in April however several things delayed the process of us starting back and now we know God had reasoning behind it all.  If we had started back in April, we would have probably already used all of the vials and just now finding out about my infertility problems which means that we would have been out of luck with us getting pregnant. 

We left Dr. Hill's office today feeling VERY hopeful.  Us along with Dr. Hill himself is very hopeful now that everything will all work out and we will end up pregnant in the end of all of this!!!  We sure can't wait to see what God's plan is for us and what our future holds.  Hopefully, it holds a little baby cousin for our sweet little Kellen NaCole.

Thank You all for your thoughts and prayers for us during this time.  They have been greatly appreciated.  As we all know and can see from this post alone, God sure answers prayers and always knows best.