Thoughts :(

So as I was typing the blog earlier is when I had actually got the call from the doctors office and they informed me the doctor would not refill any medications until we re consult with them.  Since then, I have had just a little time to think about it but it is so very difficult to think about.  So here are some thoughts about it all.

***  Am I ready to give up?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  Of course the first day of us finding out we got a negative again, I was almost ready to give up and so frustrated not understanding why it just hasn't happened for us yet.  I had said if it were not for Trent, I would have been on the brink of giving up however every since the day after we tested, I am back in it at full force.  I am so ready to get another month started up and ready to accomplish all of our dreams.  It is killing me not knowing what to expect on Tuesday and not knowing what they are going to suggest.  Again, I am almost afraid they are going to recommend moving on to IVF (InVitro) and if that is the case, we don't know what we will do.  Will we give up with having our own child and move to adoption? (Most likely)  Or will we continue to pursue having our own child?  If we go IVF, will we continue using donor sperm so it will be cheaper or will we go ahead and shell out the extra thousands and try with Trent's sperm.  If we had a guarantee that IUI would work, we would do it no questions asked.  We would have done Trent no questions asked in the very beginning no matter the cost IF it had been a guarantee.  All I can say is I am not ready at all to quit the journey we have embarked upon.  I am not ready to look into other options.  We chose this option for a reason and I want to make it all happen.  Hopefully Tuesday will only be about a change in medication and they will put me on something stronger or more successful.  We can only hope.

***  I 110% feel like the route we have taken was absolutely meant for us to take.  I said this because I don't want my next comment to get taken the wrong way.  But, in the beginning, I really felt like adoption was what God was trying to lead us to.  I could have just felt that way since we had an adoption to fall into our laps (which we obviously turned down) but with having 3 unsuccessful IUI's, it makes me wonder if adoption isn't where we need to be.  I know there is some child out there that needs a wonderful mommy and daddy such as me and Trent and we would be nothing but proud and honored to give that child a life it could have never had.  Again, don't get me wrong.  I am not ready to move on to adoption.  I want to continue on the route we are taking but, if the doctors give us certain options, it will really make me wonder if that wasn't God's plan for us all along.  If we do end up adopting, do I OR will I regret what we have been through with IUI's?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  God obviously led us the route he did for a reason and he has a very special plan for us.  I am so Thankful me and Trent have gotten to experience the things we have experienced that are so very special to us in our own ways.  Many people will never understand just how special those days of IUI's were to us.  Even though the IUI's failed, those days will always be special as we knew we were trying to achieve something so very special.

***  I am really starting to feel numb to the failed IUI's and not having a child.  With IUI #1, we cried and expressed it and it was very difficult but we handled it better than we thought we would.  IUI #1 was probably the most difficult one though.  IUI #2, I shed some tears but again, took it better than expected.  It hurt but what could we do about it other than try again.  IUI #3, is where I really begin to feel like I am numb to it all.  I feel it is hard for me to cry about.  The first day, I shed a few tears right after I found out and then was done.  I can't believe how well I have taken things.  Honestly, I thought I would be a total emotional basket case after 3 failed IUI's.  I still can't believe we have actually been through 3 rounds of IUI and now I just wonder where our lives are leading us.  I guess after Tuesday we will HOPEFULLY start seeing a pathway to the end.  Today was definitely difficult to find out that we would have to re consult with the doctor but I think part of it was so difficult because it was so unexpected.  I think if we expected it, it wouldn't have hit so hard.  That also could be part of the reason that I feel numb to failed IUI's because I expect it.  It is hard to expect that we will ever be parents just because it has been such a long hard journey. 

The moral of all of this is God is going to lead you down some paths sometimes that you will wonder how and why you got there but in the end, even if that path doesn't give you success, it was in God's plan for your life before you were even brought into this world.  So grasp life by the horns and hold on because you just might be in for one heck of a crazy ride.