Life

I guess life is treating us pretty good.  Monday is the first day that I can think of that I have cried since the initial crying spell after finding out that we weren't pregnant.  I didn't just totally boo hoo but I did shed a couple tears.  I think I am past the just downright sobbing mess stuff.  At least it seems like it and I sure hope so.  Sunday and Monday I really had adoption on my mind alot and it is just so darn scary.  We want a child so badly.  I was told over the weekend that someone knew someone who was going to have a little girl and it would most likely be put up for adoption but it would be addicted to drugs when it was born.  She also proceeded to say something along the lines of she meant it before when she said she felt like we were meant to save a child from a bad situation and give it a better life.  I have been told numerous times in my life that I would be good with special needs children and since meeting and marrying Trent, I have heard that we as a married couple would be great with children with disabilities.  People say they can just see in our marriage how wonderful we would be with children like that and that they know that we could truly handle that situation.  While it is humbling and a true honor to have people to tell us how wonderful we would be with disabled children, it is also the scariest thing ever to think about.  I know just because the child is born addicted to drugs doesn't mean it would have disabilities but that would always be a possibility.  I am not in any way at all saying we couldn't love this child as if nothing at all was wrong with it but on the same hand, it is scary knowing that a child is definitely going to be born addicted with possible lifelong problems because of that.  I know it is really odd for me to say all of that because if we had gotten pregnant with a child and it had disabilities, it wouldn't make any difference in the world.  For example.  If you do IVF, there is a test they can do on the embryo before placing it in the uterus that can tell if it would have certain disabilities.  I remember very vividly a conversation between me and my sister and me telling her I wouldn't care if it had something wrong, I would have them to place it anyways.  This is for several reasons, if we got pregnant on our own, we wouldn't have known if it had disabilities or not so why would it matter through IVF (if we had done that)?  and for 2, it would have been a blessing from God irregardless.  Why is it so difficult to see an adopted child in that way right now?  I fully believe we could take a child with disabilities and would love it and care for it like no other but for some reason, right now, I can not get the scariness of adoption out of my head and that was really taking a toll on me on Sunday night and Monday.  Every since then, I have been better about it but on the same hand, it does scare me if we were to get approached about this situation.  Are we ready to take this child that will have possible lifelong side effects from birth?  How many more doors can God open for us before we are ready?  Can we take this possible challenge?  Are we ready to close yet another door that God has opened for us?  We have done it once before.  How many times will we close doors before God closes the door on us?  So many questions and so many thoughts overwhelm my mind when I think of adoption.  I am so ready to have a child and would do anything in this world to have one right this instant but when you can't have one naturally and when you have been through all we have been through, you can't help but to have reservations and fears.  When the facts come right down to it, adoption is terrifying because you just don't ever know what you will get whether a child will have disabilities or not so knowing of possible disabilities just make it even harder.  What also doesn't make it any easier is Trent's job.  He sees so much of the drugs, side effects and such that it really scares him more than anything.  The biggest deal breaker with the previous adoption that fell into our laps was that we were told the mom had been hanging out with people that do meth.  We were never told her herself had done anything but she had hung out with people that done it.  Trent just couldn't get past that.  I try to feel comfort in knowing that if we are approached about this possible adoption that if it is God's plan for our lives that he will just open all doors for us and make it happen.  If it is meant to be, God will make it be.  The devil will not stand in our way of having a child any longer.  The devil will be defeated in this battle and we will overcome this battle.

On top of all of the previous, I have let anger and frustrations creep back in to me.  I have had to constantly tell myself, it's not my life.  I have to take care of me and not worry about others.  I am still doing better on this than I was just a couple of weeks ago but it's still occasionally there.  My I guess you could call it downfall and what makes it so hard for me and what alot of people don't understand is I AM AN INFERTILE.  Because of infertility and all of our infertility treatments, I do know more about the reproductive system and how it works then most fertile people or just people in general.  Trust me!  If you don't believe me, just ask my mom how much I have taught her.  I guess this is why I sometimes don't get the "wool pulled over my eyes" and why I seem to understand things more than others.  I say this about multiple situations right now.  I am not just referring to what some want to think I am.  There is a Christian song that I love and I apply it to myself but on the same hand, I can't help but to think about general population also when I hear it.  The song is It's Your Life by Francesca Battistelli. Just a few short lines in it that really stick out to me is:

This is the moment
It's on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for

The last 4 lines that I posted here really stick out to me.  As Christians, we really have to watch our actions because what we do is a reflection to the world.  People sees things.  People hear things.  People talk.  That is human nature but we can also protect who we are and our reputation by being the best person you can be.  Sometimes we as humans make reputations for ourselves which we may not like but we have to realize we do it to ourselves.  I feel like I have the reputation as the bad person with the big mouth and guess what I have done that to myself.  I tell it like I see it.  I don't sugarcoat things.  I have done it to myself though and I must suffer the consequences for it.

In saying that I still do struggle with the infertility monster (at this point I would say more of a no child monster), I will ask out of all sincerity that people PLEASE do NOT send me/us baby shower invitations, children's birthday party invitations, etc.  Please use respect and common courtesy to our situation until we further approve that we are ready to accept those things.  This is something that I know many do not understand and that is fine.  I do not expect you to understand it but I do hope that our wishes will be respected.  I do know some understand and respect our wishes as they have personally talked to us about things such as this and disabling facebook profiles and I thank you for taking the time to understand us and our situation. 

I swear if it isn't one thing with me and Trentie, it is another.  My debit card got frauded a year or two ago and then again in December.  Trent's card got frauded about 2 weeks ago.  I swear, I think someone is out for us.  It is scary how often our account seems to be frauded.  I just don't understand how people can be so dang evil.  On another note, I have been wondering for several weeks now if Trent wasn't getting kidney stones again.  About 3 weeks ago, he said his urine was dark and then he had 2 sharp pains in his right side.  They were just quick pains and went away so he didn't think a whole lot of them.  The other night, he was hurting again in his right side and this time, it was bad enough for him to lay on a heating pad.  We know he has 2 stones in his right side since he wasn't able to do lithotripsy on them during his last procedure so we just have to sit around and wait on them to pass.  He hasn't hurt to my knowledge since Sunday night but I assume it is only a matter of time until those stones try to pass.  As for me, on Tuesday, my throat didn't hurt but it felt funny that morning when I got up then around 11am, I started getting dizzy.  I hadn't ate anything that morning so I thought I just needed to eat and I would feel better.  I was wrong, the dizziness didn't go away and I started coughing.  Dizziness continued all night and even Wednesday and I could tell I was getting congestion in my chest.  All of this hit me very sudden and quickly.  I couldn't feel drainage but it had obviously moved to my chest quick and my nose was raw and bloody when I would blow it or wipe it.  I left work early that day and went to the doctor only to find out the obvious.  I had infection in my head which had moved to my inner ear which was causing the dizziness and the infection had also moved to my chest.  He said my nose definitely looked rough and he could tell my sinus were all messed up.  He prescribed me 5 medicines.  Well, really 6 including cough medicine but I haven't really wanted to take it during the day because it makes me sleepy.   He said it would take at least a day to kick in but if I wasn't any better at all by Friday to go back. As of today, I am feeling some better.  The coughing seems worse (hopefully because the medicine is breaking the junk up) but thank God, the worst of it was the dizziness and that seems to be better.  Luckily before my sickness kicked in too bad, Tuesday I was able to go get a massage that was MUCH needed because I had been putting it off due to our IUI's.  I had one scheduled a month or so ago and they had to cancel it because my massage person had the flu so I was just now able to get back in and boy oh boy was it nice.  I can't wait to go back already. 

Something else I in a sad way found comfort in is knowing that I have a husband that loves me and adores me just as much as I love and adore him.  As I am sure many have heard on the news on Valentines day, a girl in Murfreesboro was killed by her husband of only 3 months.  This really hit home to me and hit me hard.  Although I never really talked to this girl much, I did graduate high school with her.  She was such a beautiful young lady that always had the most beautiful smile on her face.  Unfortunately, she had a poor little 7 year old son.  My heart just breaks for that little boy as you could just tell in pictures that he was her life and she was his.  My heart breaks thinking about this poor child's future and hurts.  In the midst of all of this news, it just really made me realize, maybe I don't have a child but at least I have the happiness, faithfulness, and trust in my marriage that many others don't have.  They may have a marriage and they may have a child but it may not be the perfect picture it seems to be behind closed doors.  My heart just breaks for her family and friends and all the heartache they are experiencing.  Even though I really didn't talk to her much, I have just had a sick feeling in my stomach so much about it.   I just don't understand how life can be so horrible in 3 months of marriage.  This world we are living in is just a sick sick place and we need God more now than ever.  I Thank God for blessing me in so many ways that I see other people are not blessed.

I know it really seems like we have had alot going on but overall, I would say we have been good.  Trent said it perfect the other day when I started crying.  I was upset because I was crying about it when I had been doing so good and he reassured me that it would always be something that would occasionally creep into our thoughts.  I am honestly proud of us and how we are handling things.  At this point, we have done a great job just taking time to ourselves and enjoying one another.  We are trying to figure out what we are going to do for vacation this year and that is a totally different struggle in itself.  As much as we complain about not being able to afford a child, how can we go on vacation?  I will say it just like we said it last year.  We do not feel like we should be held back by something that we can't/don't have.  It's just not fair that we can't enjoy the things that we love together because of something we can't/don't have.  We enjoy our vacations and getting to experience those things together and we shouldn't be punished because we have to "buy a child" which we can't afford.  I still struggle with understanding why we have to "buy" our child when others don't.  It's so hard to understand why it comes so easy to some when we have what we feel like, it all together.  We have so much love and devotion we could give a child.  We have the perfect marriage.  We feel like we have it all EXCEPT a child.  We could give a child everything plus some so why don't we deserve it.  Why are marriages crumbling/struggling/unfaithful/untruthful etc and they can have a child but here we are with the absolute most picture perfect marriage I have EVER seen but we don't deserve life with a child.  I know we deserve a child and God will provide that when timing is right and it is just the devil making me think we don't deserve a child but it is just so hard to understand.

A little TMI here.  If you don't want to hear it, skip to the next paragraph.  One more random thing to throw out there and mention, I know this sounds ridiculous but I am sure an infertile out there somewhere agrees with me or has went through this at one point or another.  I honestly have no reason to keep up with my cycle days ever again however, I am obviously approaching ovulation time and it saddens me.  As I see my cervical mucous changing, I know that this would be the prime time to start the baby making process however, for us, that can't happen.  It never will happen.  That cervical mucous will not serve a purpose for us.  It honestly just kind put a frown on my face when I realized my body was preparing for what can't be.  I am sure some several months down the road, something as small as cervical mucous won't sadden me but for now, that is just another silly reminder of what can't happen for us.  It is really sad what us infertiles have to deal with and grieve about.  It is sad the small things that can really make us sad.  It is sad that no one other than infertiles will ever understand you and the sadness you go through.  Infertility is just a sad sad world to have to live in.

I have been wanting to write this blog but just haven't had the umph to make myself write it.  I have to remind myself that I am still out here to try to help other infertiles understand and cope with the world of infertility.  I am going to try my best to keep up the infertile thoughts and coping process now that it is all over but I can't say I will promise.  I don't know why I have had to force myself to do this.  I think because there are still some raw emotions there that I just don't know how to say and say in a way that doesn't come across wrong or hurtful.  This blog I feel like is about infertility but it is also about the thoughts of adoption and as I try to cope with all of that myself, I hope I am on the same page with other infertiles about these fears.  Adoption is not something I have every truly been forced to deal with so to this point, I don't know if other people adopting has had the same fears and thoughts so hopefully by me expressing my fears and thoughts, if others are feeling the same way, hopefully I can make them realize it is normal.  Who knows, I could be alone in this...?  Just as there is an infertility support group, there is an Adoption support group that I am sure at some point, me and Trent will also join.  I don't know how soon or anything but at some point I do think it will be beneficial to us.  I guess right now, since we are taking time to ourselves, I just don't feel the need to start it yet.  I am glad it is there though for when we are ready for it.  One day it will all come together and it will all make sense but until then, I will continue to do the best I can and stay as strong as I can for me and my wonderful hubby.  Our God is an awesome God and has an awesome plan in store in his timing and in his ways. 

Please just keep us in your prayers as God guides us down this unknown path in our future.  We do plan to continue taking time to ourselves and enjoying one another until we are ready to jump on the emotional roller coaster of pursuing adoption or until God drops another child into our laps one.  For now, our life is filled with happiness and laughter and I couldn't ask God to have given me a better, more perfect soul mate than what I have.  He makes everything so much better and so much easier to accept.  On the same hand, I love and appreciate our immediate families more than they will ever know for supporting us and just being an ear to listen when we need them.  Even though we don't like going to them too often (some more than others) because we know it is a difficult situation for all to talk about, they are always there when we need them.  Thank you ALL (friends and family) for your continued love and support for us!