This morning I woke up to a huge shock. We were not supposed to test until the 13th. This morning when I got up, I used the bathroom and when I did, I looked down and saw that I was starting to spot. I always spot before starting my period. Without thinking or honestly even realizing I was doing it, I screamed out "NOOO". Trent came running and asked what was wrong. At that point, I already had my head in my hands crying. Trent continued to ask what was wrong and I just felt speechless for a moment. I told him I was starting and he stood there speechless. I finished what I was doing and wiped the tears away from my eyes the best that I could. We then stood outside of the bathroom just holding on to one another. I couldn't help but to repeatedly apologize to him. He kept telling me not to apologize. We let one another go and he told me not to stress over it. I told him I wasn't stressed. There was nothing I could do about it so no need to stress. He said that is exactly right, so quit apologizing. That is the tough part about it. He feels like it is his fault and I feel like it is my fault. I feel like at this point, my body has failed us. We should have ended up pregnant by now. After 9 IUI's, it should have happened. There is obviously something wrong with me preventing a pregnancy from happening. Yes all my test come back fine but there is either something there or it just absolutely was not meant to be. Each of us blame ourselves but not once have we ever blamed each other. We have always been supportive of one another and are just thankful that we have one another to go through this with.
Today is the day we finally get closure on the past year and a half of fertility treatments. After 3 and a half years of trying to achieve pregnancy, we can now grieve and try to cope with the fact that that was not God's plan for us. I have been doing good the past couple days and I will not let infertility defeat me. I will still cry and I will still grieve but I will try my dangdest not to let it get the best of me. God has a plan for us and now is the time to end this heart wrenching emotional roller coaster, take time to ourselves, try to heal and move on the best that we can. There is a child out there somewhere just waiting to come home to us and call us mommy and daddy. Who knows when, who knows where, and who knows how other than the good Lord above. I know he sees our hearts desire and will provide when the time is right. I am sure we have some tough days ahead but we will be ok and we will overcome this. It will just take time.
As this chapter in our journey closes, it is time to open a new chapter. Adoption. Surprisingly, right now, I am ready to start this chapter. I am at a loss and have no clue where to start, what agencies are best to use, etc. I just wish we new where to start as far as that goes. We may take a little bit of time before starting all of the adoption process but I am ready. I am ready for us to get that child that is meant for us. In the meantime, I think word of mouth will help us more than anything. God has placed a child into our laps once before and I know he can do it again. Honestly, we pray God will just place another child into our laps. I don't think it's often that someone will just hear of someone wanting to place their child for adoption but the more people that knows about us and our story, the more it can help us. We are asking all of our friends and family to keep us in mind if you ever hear of the possibility of someone wanting to put a child up for adoption. We would love nothing more than taking a child in and giving it a good home that it otherwise may not have had.
There has been several comments and quotes people have told me or posted to me or I have just seen the past two days that have really helped me and I will post those below.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
I'm smiling not because I'm stronger than my problems. I'm smiling because my God is stronger than my problems.
But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble. Isaiah 33:2
Jesus knows the burdens we carry and the tears we shed, but He is the healer of broken hearts, broken dreams, and broken lives. Trust him. He never fails.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. - This meant so much to me. Alot of people wouldn't see this as a loss however, whether we ever conceived or not, this is a loss for us. It is the loss of a child that we had hoped for that we will never know. It is a loss of a child that will never have mommy's and daddy's features.
No Christ.....No Peace...Know Christ...Know Peace
The broad path is heavily traveled, but if you travel the narrow path there may be times you won't see anyone but Jesus. Matthew 7:13-14
Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I'm living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you will see how strong I really am.
Never takes someone's feeling for granted because you never know how much courage that they took to show it to you.
I have weathered many storms and suffered through unrelenting rain. Sometimes losing myself but never have I suffered in vain. My life an unfolding tapestry consisting of highs and lows. I have never faced a dark moment alone not even in the presence of my foes. I rely on that eternal spring that wells up in me that says that he is ever present and watching over me.
To those I have wronged, I ask forgiveness. To those I may have helped, I wish I did more. To those I neglected to help, I ask for understanding. To those who helped me, I sincerely Thank You so much.
For those I have overkilled with quotes and such, I am sorry. These quotes have really helped me today. I love quotes anyways and love to share good ones because you never know who they can help.
We sincerely Thank each and everyone of you who have been there to support us not just today through our tough times but through this whole journey we have been placed down. We can not say Thank You enough. Even though this is a difficult time for us, our supporters truly have helped us. I honestly don't know how I ever thought of anything to blog before infertility but I guess I did. Hopefully now that this chapter is closing, I can continue blogging. I am sure once new things start for us, it will give us more to blog about. Until then, I will just try to keep everyone up to date on how we are and whats new with us.
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