Infertility Support Group = Success

Yesterday, I took the day off at work and me and Trent had a wonderful day together. We got up and went to town and then we headed off to the golf course. It had been forever since I had played golf. It seems like it has been a year.  I played with him one day last week and I sucked it up big time. I never have been good but I always enjoy it. When we went yesterday, I played with him again and it seemed like it was slowly but surely coming back to me. I was having to get back in my routine and remember how I needed to line myself up and working on new things to help me some too. Having that time on the golf course was nice. To me, something about being on the golf course is just peaceful and relaxing. Whether I am playing or not, I just really love to be there enjoying the beautiful scenery God has placed before us. We have been planning on going to the Infertility Support Group together for a while now because we knew Trent was going to be off this month to go and the one and only time I had been was in November due to me being sick in December and Trent’s birthday in January. I had talked to Trent about the November meeting and how much I enjoyed it but I don’t think he quiet grasped what it was. When we were golfing, he said, “so what is this about tonight? Is it like an AA meeting type of thing or something to where we have to stand up and say who we are and everything?” I couldn’t help but to laugh. I could tell he was really unsure about the whole thing not knowing what to expect. I explained to him again how it all worked. Once we got there, I could tell he was really uncomfortably still due to the unexpected and not really knowing how everything would really be. I think it’s safe to say that he lightened up to it. He said he could definitely see how the meetings are beneficial to me and said that he would go back with me when he is off work to go.

During the Infertility Support Group we start out with catching up from what’s new with each other from the last meeting you attended and then we say a topic we want to discuss for the night. At the end of the meeting we always end on a positive note and say what we are thankful for and then something positive that we will work on over the next month until the next meeting. On the way to the meeting, me and Trent came up with 2 topics that we thought would help us to get other people’s opinions on and how they deal with it and handle the same situations. One being will it ever get easier? Will we ever be able to accept not having our own child? The second one being, how do you deal with society and things that you see of or hear of being done that hurts you? To my first topic, I got so much comfort in the answers I got. I realized that if we don’t conceive and we do adopt, even though we will love that child as if it were our own, it will never replace the child that we had hoped to conceive. I also learned that even through the adoption process, it will be ok to continue grieving our hoped for conceived child. Just because you continue grieving not conceiving, that doesn’t mean that you are not ready to move on. We will most likely always grieve that hoped for conceived child. The pain will never go away and it will always hurt but the sting will get less when we hear of others pregnancies. And last but not least, I realize it is not so much about the pregnancy even though we desire that so strongly. It is about the final goal and that is being parents to a little miracle. Yes adoption TERRIFIES us but that just may be the route God has in plan for us and if that is how our little miracle is meant to come to us then, we will embrace that and love appreciate that child more than words could ever express. Infertility I fully believe will give infertiles a love, appreciation and respect for a child that a fertile could never understand. I am not trying to underestimate fertiles but with everything infertiles have to suffer through, it gives us such a great appreciation for what others sometimes takes for granted. I haven’t given up all hopes of pregnancy yet but I do realize if it doesn’t happen, we are going to be ok. With everything we have already worked and fought through, we will continue to fight for the child that we know is meant to be ours. To the second topic that we had, I think this is just something that all infertiles struggle with. There is no clear cut answer on how to accept society for what it is. The biggest answer to it is just to realize that is them and their life and you have to be able to separate yourself from it and/or the situation. You have to stay focused on yourself and know in the end that you could look into your future and know that will not be you. There is actually a pediatrician in the group and he was saying that he had seen a baby born with cocaine in it’s system not long ago. As an infertile, that eats you alive but as he said, you have to be able to separate yourself from that situation and know that is them and not you. As that was said, Trent couldn’t help but to pipe in with his opinions and his say on that. I don’t often speak of the raw emotions of Trent but I am going to here. As this story was being told, I could really tell it was affecting Trent. I look over at him and his eyes are red and watered up. He then asked the guy how he can deal with that situation and not want to just strangle the mother. The thing that got Trent tore up the most was because that story took Trent back to a time in his career that is very sensitive to him. Trent then proceeded to tell everyone he is a cop and told his story. It was right after Trent got his infertility diagnosis. He got a call to respond to a wreck where a woman was driving in the wrong direction into on coming traffic and she wrecked and hit a guard rail. To make a long story short, when he arrived on the scene, the woman had a 6 month old baby in the back seat and she had been huffing keyboard duster. She even had the nerve to do it with the cops sitting there. She eventually done it enough to where she was basically unresponsive. The baby was in the back seat crying and he proceeded to get the child out and soothe it and feed it. He held that baby and took care of it until it’s grandmother got there to get it.   This story is such a sensitive one to Trent as he had just gotten his diagnosis knowing that we couldn’t conceive but here he stood taking care of a child that had such an irresponsible parent that didn’t deserve kids at all. Children are so innocent. They don’t ask to be brought into this world and they don’t deserve all the wrong doings of their parents and all the things they have to witness. This is something that is just so difficult for infertiles to understand and it makes it so much more difficult on Trent when he has to work these cases where he sees child abuse, neglect, etc. This wasn’t our topic but another person had the topic of insensitive comments. I don’t know why but I just kind of felt drawn to this couple. They are getting ready for their first IUI next week and it just takes me back to where we were when we first started. She wasn’t there in November when I went so it was funny to me that this was her topic as that was actually my topic in November when I went. She wanted to know how she could make people understand infertility. My advice was there was absolutely nothing you could do to make others understand it. Until they have experienced infertility for themselves, they never will understand it. You can try to instill infertility in to peoples heads all you want but as I myself learn more and more these days, it doesn’t benefit you at all. People don’t get it and they never will. In November I had shared my “I am a elementary teacher so I obviously understand what you are going through with infertility because I love kids too” comment but last night, Trent was able to share his comment that was made to him about “too bad you didn’t know about this sooner because you could have been sleeping around all you want since your shooting blanks and never got caught or got anyone knocked up.” It seems like it is just a normal thing for infertiles to have to distance themselves from people even if that means family. It amazes me that I am not the only one that feels like I have had to do this. You really learn who is there to support you and who isn’t. You really learn that you have to take care of yourself and if that means distancing yourself from the world then you have to do that. Infertility is a true disease and for the most part, fertiles just don’t get that. They don’t see that. When you see someone that can’t have a child, it is not just because they can’t. It is because it is a disease and something is there preventing them from becoming pregnant. Even though the outside world will never understand infertility, I just wish it would be taken more serious.

At the end of the night, the thing I was going to work on was my attitude and not worrying about things I can’t control. As of right now, I am feeling pretty good about things. I am realizing more and more that it is not my life, I cant worry about others. They will have to fend for themselves and learn things for themselves. I am also realizing more and more how grateful I am for my life and what I have been blessed with. I see more and more these days that people in general are just not blessed with honesty and trust. It seems like great marriages these days are just few and far between and I am blessed with the absolute perfect marriage. I sometimes want to laugh and think that God knew he was going to give me such a difficult road with infertility so he thought he had to make up for that somewhere and that was giving me the best man and marriage I could have EVER imagined. What did I do to deserve something so wonderful? Even though me and Trent have endured a whole heck of a lot, we are stronger than ever. As I have said before, you will hear of marriages that have fell apart because of infertility and that is just so hard for me to understand but again, it helps me to realize just how good me and Trent have it.

I honestly can't believe how good I feel today.  Today I am at such peace about everything.  Infertility, the past couple of days, everything.  I am not worried about everyone else.  It is what it is.  I am me and happy with myself.  It amazes me just how much the support group really helps me.  A couple of days ago, I said I felt like satan was winning this battle.  As of today, I can confidently say, I feel like I have satan angry and shaking in his boots with my happiness, contentment and peace of mind.  This is NOT his battle to be won.  It is mine and God will see me through it.  Thank you God for giving me peace and comfort today to accept everything that is going on in my life right now.  Thank you for helping me to defeat the devil and kick him hard.

I also just wanted to mention a couple of dates and things coming up with infertility that I feel like needs some acknowledgement.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is April 21^st – 27^th. I honestly don’t think I had ever even heard of this before last year and when I heard of it last year, NIAW had already passed. I don’t know what, but this year, I want to do something during that time frame to help bring more acknowledgement to infertility. I am thinking of a daily blog atleast.  I have other things in mind but we will see what plays out.

National Infertility Survival Day May 5^th. This is something I have never heard of until today. It was created in 2004 by a woman who struggled through infertility herself. It is celebrated on the first Sunday of May which is the week before Mothers Day.   It’s timing is intentional, so it can blunt the sadness and frustration that many women feel as Mother’s Day approaches. Mothers day is absolutely horrible to an infertile. An infertile will dread absolutely everything about that day. Church is horrible on that day because all the mothers get acknowledged while the infertile is left sitting there childless. This table also turns to Father’s day. As I see my husband hurt over not being a father, I know Father’s day is also difficult on him. For this reason, I don’t want to look at National Infertility Survival Day as just for the woman, I think it is also for all of the men who so deeply yearn for a child also. I actually got the following from another website.
Mother’s Day isn’t easy for those coping with infertility, but now, we have a day of our own – National Infertility Survival Day! National Infertility Survival Day is a relatively new holiday, invented to celebrate all the hard work and effort that infertile couples put towards trying to have a child. The day’s main emphasis is on self-care and celebration for what we do have. It’s also a day for friends and family to help left the spirits of a loved one coping with infertility.
Just like Mother’s Day, when all the hard work that goes into motherhood is celebrated, on National Infertility Survival Day, we celebrate and honor couples who are desperately trying to become parents. The holiday was found in 2004 by Beverly Barna. She describes the holiday like this “I hope National Infertility Survival Day will lift their spirits and give them the impetus to celebrate themselves and that in which they do have. This is not to negate the very real despair they may be facing. Rather, it is an opportune time to stop and smell the Chanel, and also to blunt the emotional pummeling that can occur leading up to, on and around Mother’s Day. And it’s also a vehicle through which those close to them can provide meaningful, creative and fun support.” Barna also says “As lovely as Mother’s Day can be for mothers, it can be extremely painful and disheartening for infertile women. One can feel terribly left out and ripped off.”

Just as people would celebrate Mother’s Day, National Infertility Survival Day should be celebrated for those infertiles. Infertiles should not be left out in this world of many celebrations revolving around parents and I would even go as far as saying grandparents as an infertile could potentially never even become a grandparent. Yes, an infertile thinks of all of these things.
In ending this, I just want to say I am so Thankful that I have a support group that I can attend.  I never thought it would be something I would enjoy.  I just never have been the type of person to talk to many people.  I have always been pretty shy especially around people I don't know.  I guess with this, we are all on the same page and experiencing the same struggles so it makes it easy to open up to everyone and help each other out.  I would encourage any infertile out there to find a support group if you have one close to you and try it atleast once.  You really never know how much it could potentially help you.  I have been dealing with alot over the past few days but I have felt so relieved today.  I feel like today is a fresh start to things for us.

On a side note.  We test a week from today.  I am scared for that day to come.  I am Thankful thought that I am able to be off work that day so that me and Trent will be able to spend it together and be there for one another no matter what the results may be.  I am finally back at a good place and I hate to be set back again.  I pray that if we are not pregnant that God will continue to give us this peace and comfort that I have right now.  I Thank God for all of his blessings upon me at this time.