Real and Raw Emotions Continued

As I have had time to process the blog from last night and everything going on, I feel like there needs to be a continuation in the blog of my thoughts and emotions afterwards. I realize now, maybe I was wrong in posting some of the things I said.  I do apologize again because I was probably wrong in saying that the person KNEW they were.  I now realize they probably didn't know but it was obviously suspected otherwise, why would you have taken a test so early.  I can also say because of last night, when I hear infertiles tell me thank you that I have helped them, it makes me realize what I do is not in vain.

I hope I don't dig myself a deeper hole here but I am going to continue being totally honest.

First and foremost, people want to talk about taking peoples sides.  I honestly don't care who is or isn't on my side.  People can take sides on things all they want. Honestly, I don’t care. All I need on my side is God and my husband and I know the both of them have me covered so I am good.  I am not asking anyone to defend me. I am a grown adult and will speak for my own actions.  I was in the wrong on certain aspects and I am big enough and grown enough to admit that and for that, I am truly honest to God sorry. We have all been hurt in the past and no one knows all of the ins and outs of all of the situations except for the good Lord above. So say I have hurt people all you want but you don’t have the slightest clue what they have said or done to me/us to hurt us too.   And, I can guaren-dang-tee-ya you have hurt people too. Honesty and trust for one another or anyone for that matter is the best thing anyone can have and will carry you a long way.

Again, I admit, in some aspects, I was wrong.  I want to let everyone know that but on the same hand, people need to realize, I was not just trying to start crap.  I do completely understand why the one couple I was talking about was offended.  I was honest to God updating my infertility blog with my feelings and emotions trying to help other infertiles.  I will not continue to run it in the ground but I can not feel guilty about what I said when I am helping others and it is obvious that I am.  As I said, I have been told Thank You by infertiles for THAT BLOG ALONE!!! Mission and goal accomplished on my part by helping others understand it is ok to feel angry and be upset with society when you are infertile. Am I proud of accomplishing my goal by hurting others?  Absolutely not!  Am I sorry for hurting someone? Yes.  If people still want to get mad at me after this then that's fine.  There is nothing I can do to change anyones mind nor am I trying to however, I think it is pretty reasonable thoughts.  I am not the only one that feels this way and NO I am not talking about other infertiles so if people want to think bad of me, thats fine but I am not alone.  I guess my downfall is just speaking my mind.  I need to learn to keep my mouth shut no matter what I think or how I feel.  Yet another reason I have distanced myself from the world.  I wish sometimes we could be outsiders looking in on our own situations then we could see the bigger picture on things.  I am saying this for myself as well as others.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our lives and we tend to be blinded by something that appears obvious or something that has clear cut signs in front of you.  Again, I am speaking to myself right now also.   I truly honest to God mean no harm out of this blog.

Yes, maybe I should have had more facts before I started posting but I didn't and that is my fault.  To the one person I am sorry for hurting, I am truly sorry. With all of my heart I apologize and hope this blog doesn’t make you mad all over again. I am so sorry.  I pray that it just helps to realize why it looks bad and why it looks like there were signs.

Again I say, maybe this person wasn’t guilty after all however, people still do it and it is absolutely disgusting no matter who it is.

How do you learn to let problems work themselves out and let someone learn things for themselves when you really care about them and want nothing but the best for them. 

I think the best thing for me to do is what my biggest supporter says, which is in the aspect I am failing God on. Lay it all at the alter and let God take care of it. I struggle with this. I give it all to God but the devil takes it back. When this evilness comes out in me, I also need to do as she says and Rebuke him in Jesus name and tell him to leave me alone and repeat my favorite verse over and over to myself until I feel calm and comfortable about the situation. It has been forever since I have said this but I said the devil was not going to win this battle and I meant that on a couple different aspects on my life. I feel like the devil is taking over me right now. It is a constant battle between giving it to God and feeling like I am in charge and then the devil creeping right back in. Satan knows our weaknesses and he targets those.

My following comments doesn’t have to do with the previous issues just statements in general. Yes some (but not all) could be related to the previous mentioned but they are NOT. They are just simple general statements in my views on life.

It is funny to me that the people that are sticking by my side and supporting me now have been the ones supporting us all along from day 1 and they continue to be the ones supporting me through all of this mess. Thank you for loving us and supporting us and sticking by us. Thank you for those who have helped me to realize that I am not 100% in the wrong for posting what I did. Some say it was a good thing and then some did say that they was glad I could get it off my chest and express my feelings but even though names wasn’t mentioned, maybe I shouldn’t have posted it. And that’s what I love about our supporters, they will tell us even if we are wrong but still love us and support us anyways. Unconditional Tough love is the best thing for anyone.

I am not innocent by no means, I have faults just as EVERYONE else does and lets face it, we have ALL hurt people in our past and will continue to hurt people in our present and heck even our future. That is just simply human nature. Maybe I open my mouth when I shouldn’t. I am guilty but as I have said in the past about other situations, I have morals and will not defend, take up for, or take sides with someone who is immorally wrong and just being flat out wrong. I feel like if I were to side with things that I know are immorally wrong, God would strike me right in my tracks. It is ok to tell someone they are wrong but you love them anyways.  I have accepted my wrong doings and know I sometimes I speak when I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I just want better for people who I think deserve the best. I have known several situations like this in the past and know of some right now also. You hate to see someone hurt when it could have been prevented.

Now I know why infertiles normally do a private blog and don’t tell people they know about it. They only make it for strangers so that they can speak their mind and say anything and everything they want to and not worry about others feelings. Lets face it. Infertility plays a huge toll on the body and emotions and infertiles are going to vent and be upset and disappointed in things they hear and see in society. They can express their true, raw, real emotions without being judged by those who have no clue when they have a private blog. I am starting to think about starting my own and only letting a few small people know about it so that I can express what I want and not worry about it. Those people would consist of infertiles that I know and someone that knows an infertile and has always been there for us

For all of those who want to claim “I am just unhappy in my own life and I want to make everyone elses miserable”, as a matter of fact, I am very happy with my life. YES, I struggle with infertility which pulls me down. Let me see others go through it and see how far it can pull you down. I guarantee you you would understand us a little better if you had to experience it yourselves.  I am blessed with the happiest marriage and home life I could ever imagine. I never in a million years knew I could or would be so happily in love. I absolutely 100% can not explain just how happy I/we truly am. We are honestly like 2 kids together.  We are crazy and really don't care what one another thinks when we act so silly because we get each others fun and silly ways.  On a side note, I used to complain that Trent took so dang long to propose to me but now, I thank God that he did. For one, we have been able to afford what we have been through because he was level headed enough to have money saved before we jumped into marriage and for 2, after dating/being engaged for 5 ½ years before getting married, we knew dang near everything about one another if not everything before we married. Also, through our long dating/engagement period, God put us through many trials to make us the happy committed couple that we are today. We have had to work through many obstacles however as my daddy put it this weekend in our heart to heart, we “have done it TOGETHER”. Not once have we left each others side. We have only become stronger through our journey in love and faith. I thank God for that because it sure makes our marriage one million times easier. We built that trust and that love for one another and it is unbreakable. THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with one heck of an amazing soul mate, best friend and husband. I am blessed more than I ever deserved.