Standing Up for What You Believe In & Updates

This weekend we was in Manchester and instead of coming home to go to our church, we went ahead and stayed there and took the chance to visit Trent's cousins church there.  I have heard him preach now twice and I really enjoy hearing him preach.  Today's sermon touched me on several different aspects.  It made me realize aspects that I really need to work on myself and it also was just kind of a reassurance to me of why I am how I am.  He said numerous times that "If you're going to stand for God, you're going to have to stand against sin."  I am not saying I am perfect by no means.  I know I have things in my own life that I need to work on.  Lets just face it, we are ALL sinners.  Things have happened in the past and as I am sure anyone who reads my blogs knows things have happened recently.  A comment was recently made to me about my Christianity and how christian like I really was.  First and foremost, I don't feel like my Christianity should be questioned because I am speaking up for something I believe in and something that I know God would not condone.  You should all know and see by now that I am a totally honest and blunt person.  That is my problem, I am a little too blunt and honest but I stick up for what I believe in.   I am not the type of person who is going to agree with someone just because of who they are. I also feel like when we want to call out someone else's christian like qualities, we need to dig deep and look on the inside of ourselves and see what we are also guilty of.  A sin is a sin but I can promise that saying what I said on my blog defending my beliefs is absolutely no worse than some things that I know some people are guilty of.  As for past things, recent things and anything that may happen in the future, my point in saying all of this is simply, when I feel so strongly about something, I am going to stand up for what I believe in.  If I am going to stand for God then I am NOT going to just agree with something that I know is wrong.  I know alot of people don't understand me or agree with me and who I am but that is fine.  I am just simply not a people pleaser and going to just agree with anything and everything.  I am not the type of person to agree with something just because of who someone is.  It doesn't matter to me if you are family, best friend, acquaintance, anything.  If you are wrong, then I am going to stand up for my beliefs.  I was speaking with Trent's cousin after church which doesn't know anything about any of the situations and he said the exact thing I have been saying.  It's ok to tell someone they are wrong but you love them anyways.  I feel like because I am that type of person, people think I am in the wrong all the time and they think bad of me.  After today, I realize more and more that maybe I stand for what I believe in in the wrong ways by being overly blunt.  The best thing I can do for those people are probably to just keep my mouth shut and pray for them because it normally is me who looks bad in the end for speaking my mind.  On the same hand, if I am questioned about my beliefs or my thoughts, expect me to be blunt and tell you how I truly feel. 

On a different note, me and Trent are doing well.  Honestly, Friday was rough for me.  I took crying spells all day that day.  Saturday and today has been much better.  I am not really sure that reality has really hit Trent yet.  He has been pretty strong every since we found out but he has always been the type of person to hide his feelings and emotions.  It is just easiest on him not to express it.  If he talks about it then he has to deal with it but if he keeps quiet, he can move on quicker.  He doesn't like dwelling upon the things that he has no control over.  Man oh man how I wish I was more like him in that aspect.  We have had brief conversations about it all but for the most part, we are not letting it be our main topics of conversation.  In my last blog, I had talked about adoption and how we would adopt.  As much as we want to adopt and do plan to adopt, reality does hit more and more on how we will ever pay for it.  I know it seems like I talk about that alot but when it comes right down to it, it is a true shame that finances could potentially hold us back from having a child.  Why does someone like us have to suffer and go childless the rest of our lives because we don't have the money to make a child happen when prior to infertility, we would have been fine.  We look back now and say if we had only known, we could have just adopted from the get go and wouldn't be $17,500 poorer now than what we were just 2 and a half years ago.  If we had not spent all that money on infertility treatments, we could have adopted no problems, no questions asked.  Now we are left wondering how we will ever do it.  I still know that if this is God's plan for us, he will make it happen.  There is also something else that needs to be said, I know I have mentioned several times about the money aspect of it.  In no way are we trying to make people feel sorry for us.  It is just reality of infertility and going through treatments, etc.  Remember, I am still here to help out infertiles that may not be totally familiar with things and it is a part of infertility that does weigh heavily on an infertile couple.  I still say I do not regret trying what we did however, it is just so difficult to look back on the journey that we have been through and see what all we have endured but yet are still left childless.  Even though I know everything we have been through, it is hard to believe we have truly been through it all.  Through all of the fertility treatments and everything, we have been strung along for so long, it has been so hard to heal and deal with everything.  We are finally getting a chance to relax and it's honestly nice.  Trying to have a baby for an infertile is like a job.  It is work and it is a chore.  It really weighs heavily on so many aspects to your life.  Personal, emotional, social, financial, etc.  Going through all of that, you realize your relationship has the best base foundation as it is built around the love and devotion for one another.  A conversation me and my mom and sister was having was when we would have several months between IUI's, it was obvious I was a much happier person.  That is because we wasn't being strung along and we wasn't having to look at it like it was a chore to become pregnant.  That is why I feel like we are finally going to be able to cope and I will become a happier person.  Even though I will continue to grieve that child that we can't have, I will be able to be happy knowing it is all over and we will no longer be strung along.  Hopefully life can somewhat go back to normal now that we are done.  Even though we want a child so badly, we are just taking time to ourselves for now before we even try to actively pursue anything.  I think it will be nice for us to be able to just forget about it all for a while.  I don't know how I really got off on my tangent here but overall, I think we are handling things better than I ever expected we would.  Part of this may be because we visited family over the weekend and that was really a great help in taking our mind off of things.  Who knows, it may hit us hard later but for now, we are doing good.

Thank you all for your continued love and support for us.  Even though this journey is over, people have still been so loving and supportive and we appreciate it more than you will ever know.