The Breaking Point and Same Ol' Infertility Crap

Really, I just don't even know where to start.  I guess I will start by saying we tested this morning and as always, it was no surprise that it was negative again.  We have had alot of crap lately that has just built up to make things so difficult.  Without going into our financial business, I will just say that we both have dental work that has to be done (not to mention it is due to a negligent dentist), an outrageous bill we just received for blood work done back in December for infertility, and a couple more things that all add up and not to mention all our infertility costs up to date.  All of this is really starting to wear on us as we have already spent so much money on it all.  I just feel like we are flushing thousands of dollars down the toilet.  And Not that we aren't happy for people that we find out are pregnant but its hurtful.  The whole time we have been trying, we have known a ton of people to become pregnant.  Quiet obviously it's hard to get that news.  Last night as we are hearing of yet more people that are pregnant, obviously, in the back of our minds, we are anxious about testing this morning.  All this built up, just led to a horribly sad and disastrous night.  Last night, with all these things built up, it really hit me hard and I was honestly at a huge breaking point.  I broke down and cried more than I have in a VERY long time.  Now is the time to say just how much I admire my wonderful husband.  We had company and I had to excuse myself to the bedroom because as I sat on the couch, tears started to fall.  Once I got in the bedroom, I just had to let it all out.  Once company left, my Trentie came in, laid on the bed with me and just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.  At the time when everything seems SO wrong and so very hard, the instant he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head into his chest just to let me cry, it just instantly felt like everything was SO right and was just a little bit easier.  I absolutely LOVE the marriage that we have and as I have said probably a million times, I am incredibly proud of us and everything that we have been able to accomplish. 

Now that I have rambled the first paragraph.  We have been trying to plan our vacation and last night (especially with that one huge unexpected bill) we started to think that we will most likely not be taking a vacation this year.  Yes, we know its not the end of the world not to have vacation however, this is something that we thoroughly enjoy together.  What bothers us more than anything is that something that we don't even have is holding us back. If we had a child, we would care less if we went on vacation however, this is one thing that we LOVE doing together and we can't even do it.  It just seems unfair that we have went through all this stress and finance of infertility for nothing up to this point.  We should be able to and in our opinions, we very much deserve to be able to go on vacation which we love to do so much together and just relax and forget about everything we have been through over the past 3 years of trying to get pregnant.  Anyways, in all this being said, who knows what we will do for vacation.  We wanted to go on a cruise and my in laws go with us but who knows now if that will happen.  We may have to just escape somewhere for the weekend.  This afternoon when I got home from work, Trent said screw it, we were going to do what we originally planned and go on a cruise and enjoy ourselves.  We will see what actually plays out and happens though.

This morning, Larry Winget posted on his facebook page something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  He said "People say "Never give up!" While I get that you shouldn't give up too soon, there is a time to give up. Some people stick with a thing that is never going to work. Why not go ahead and give up on a bad idea? Even when you have given a good idea your all and it just doesn't work for you, walk away and go try something else"  This is something that I have seriously been battling with for a while. While I am not ready to give up on what we are doing, Is it time?  I have mentioned very little on the blog about my thoughts of adoption but more and more, I feel like it is time to move on.  Trent has thought more about it lately than ever however still not quiet to the point of starting the process. Anyways, he actually came to my work and took me out to eat for lunch today.  It was nice to get away because after such a rough night last night and the negative this morning, I didn't really feel like being at work.  When he picked me up, I could just tell that everything had been weighing on his mind alot today.  I don't know if many people remember this or saw it on the blog but remember little Matthew the adoption that fell into our laps just a couple weeks after we found out what our fertility problem was?  Well, obviously, timing just wasn't right at that point and time.  We hadn't had time to grieve our issues and even think straight much less take in a child right then and there.  Do we regret not taking him in?  No, he is in a WONDERFUL home now and his parents very much deserved a child just as much as we did therefore, I am tickled for the family that got him.  Now the question is do we look back and it make us sad?  Absolutely.  It is hard to look back and say that we could have a child a year and 5 months old.  Anyways, back to my story.  Trent said that he had been beating himself up all morning for not taking Matthew when we had our chance.  I told him, the last thing we can do is beat ourselves up for it.  He feels like God opened that door for us and we turned around and closed it.  Timing just wasn't right.  If it was meant to be, it would have happened.  Trent says he is tempted to call the lady back that told us about Matthew and tell her to keep her ears open for us.  I know that God still has a very special plan for us, I just wish we didn't have to wait and see what that plan is.  We want to know NOW!!!

Anyways, I will end this blog now as it has been ridiculously long.  Please just continue to keep us in your prayers as we have so much on our plates right now.  By the way, If any of you out there that are reading this is pregnant, please don't take offense to what I said earlier.  It is just very difficult for us to hear of so many people pregnant when we want nothing more in this world than to become parents.