Failure = On to Injections

Welp, Sunday was the day and of course we got the same answer that we always have.  Of course, the test was negative.  What more do I really expect?  Absolutely nothing more than what we have always gotten.

I will say, we feel so much better today than we have but I will back up and give a little bit of what we have been going through lately and then give a slight insight on to why today is so much better.

Last week, I struggled quiet a bit. I was just in a huge funk and couldn't snap out of it. I was at work and cried like the biggest baby. Thank God I was there alone so it didn't matter how much I cried and screamed out in anger. I came home that night and crashed around 8:30 and slept so good until about 1am and then I woke up and had another crying fit. Woke out of a dead sleep. Couldn't go back to sleep so my emotions then started running wild. Trent was home with me that night so he came in there and cuddled with me and of course like the wonderful person he is just held me and let me cry. We talked about it, cried, talked about it, cried, and then finally around 3:30am, I was able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours before I had to get up and get ready for work. Now I will back up to just a day or 2 before my crazy outbreak of crying. Me and Trent was in the best mood. Running around the house acting crazy, laughing and having a good ol time. If people could truly see what we are like together, they would think we truly needed to be checked into a crazy home together. I think this is part of what gives us such a great marriage. Being ourselves. Acting crazy. And not caring what the other one thinks of one another. I had said to Trent "are we sure we need a child? We are pretty immature ourselves. (Joking of course)" He replied "Yep, we aren't immature, we just like to have fun." I am so happy and blessed to have Trent and know that we can cut up and have a good time with each other. Now, back to my crying spell night. While I was so upset in the middle of the night I had asked Trent "Anyone else I feel like would say yes if they really knew how I was but they don't see our home life and how wonderful it is and how crazy we are running around acting crazy and just being us but do you think I am clinically depressed?" I am not too good to admit that I have a problem and if my problem is seriously that bad, I am more than willing to do something about it. I don't want to go to the doctor and be put on meds but if that is what I needed, I am willing to accept that. Trent said he didn't think I was depressed that I am a happy person but it is just that one thing that can always get to me. I was glad to hear that the one person that knows me better than anyone and the one person that sees the absolute most mental side of me doesn't think that I am depressed and need meds. Well, the next morning, I thought I would talk to the 2nd person who would know me better than anyone and that is my mom. I had called her because she knew about my fit during the day at work and was actually a part of my fit as I had talked to her on the phone during that time so I was also talking to her about my crying spell in the middle of the night. I had also asked her if she thought I was "clinically depressed". She also agreed that I was not clinically depressed and said that anyone who knows me would know that I am not depressed. She continued on to say basically the same thing Trent said. I am a happy person and it is just that one topic that can make me hit rock bottom quick. She said she understood because I was SO PASSIONATE about it but on the same hand, she felt like maybe I was starting to let it affect me and the way I am with others. She said it bothers her because I have never been the type to be towards others as I am now. She then said that since I wanted her to be honest with me that she was going to be honest. She by no means thought I needed to go to the doctor for depression but she did think maybe I should see a counselor. Talk to an outsider that doesn't know me or anyone else that I know therefore, no sides could be taken and it would be a great way for me to get things out. As my mom said, I have always been very vocal with what we are going through which is great because I have learnt that I can't bottle it up but it would probably be good if I could see a counselor that could help me reason with things. I do think my mom may be right in that suggestion. Again, I am not too good to admit that I have a problem. I know I have a problem and sometimes, it is a HUGE problem that I just don't know how to handle and how to deal with. But again, if some people was in our shoes, maybe they would understand. We have been dealing with alot lately. We are honest to God to the point that we don't know if we will EVER have a child. No one understands that. I can say until I am blue in the face that I don't know how we will afford adoption but people will still ask if we are going to adopt. Yeah we would but who's gonna pay for it? Where are we going to get the money? At $15,000 already spent and who knows how much for this cycle (more on that later), I honest to God don't know if we can adopt. If we don't get pregnant, I don't know that we will EVER be parents. If an adoption fell into our laps, we would do everything in our power to make it work. Yes, we will most likely be taking out a loan for adoption but who do I know that can say they spent $30,000 - $40,000 just to get a child into this world? Until you have been in that position that you believe you will NEVER have a child, its easy to wonder why someone acts the way they do. We still struggle daily with why do we not deserve to be parents. We struggle now more than ever wondering that as we honest to God don't know if we ever will be. We are willing to do whatever it takes to make us parents but you can only do what you can only do and I pray that God will just bless us in ways that we never expect. Anyways, I got off on a tangent there but something my mom also recommended was that I do join the infertility support group. That group only meets on the first Tuesday of every month so I still do plan on going next week but I can't promise anything since this month is going to be so horribly hectic as it is. More to come on that below. Another thing I have been struggling with is our childs bedtime story. Call this ridiculous if you may but I have even got to the point to where I grieve the fact that we may never be able to read our child the bedtime story that I wrote for our child. If we adopt, I can't use the bedtime story. The story I have wrote is VERY specific to what we are going through now and the route we have taken to get pregnant. I want nothing more than to tell our child its story on how it became who he or she is. Its story will be VERY different from the normal but I can't wait to make my child feel like it is absolutely the most normal thing ever. I can't wait for my child to realize just how much he or she was wanted and how much trouble mommy and daddy went through to get it here.

We have really been struggling lately because we have spent $15,000 already and was told 1 injection cycle would range from $2,000 - $3,000. WOW! By the time this cycle was over, we would be dang near $18,000 if not more. Because of this, we had decided that even if our numbers was good in the one vial, we would go ahead and use both vials that we had left and just make this our last chance. It was tough knowing this was it but we were both more than ready for it to all be done and over with. Trent was more done now than he has ever been. I have never heard or seen him the way he has been lately. He has always been the one to get mad at me when I have said I was done but at this point, we have both agreed we are just done and ready for it to all be over with. Again, if it's not meant to be then we are ready to grieve it and try to see whats next. Again, we have been struggling alot lately of the fact that we wonder if we will ever be parents. It is so hard to understand why we have been put through this test. Yesterday, Trent said "Life is like a bully holding a magnifying glass to us and trying to burn us like ants" I died hysterically laughing. I don't know how he comes up with some of the stuff he says but he is just too funny.

After the negative on Sunday, me and Trent had talked about if we would go back this cycle or wait and we again agreed we just wanted to get it done and over with. We knew this cycle we would be moved to injections and before doing injections, you have to take a class that is only offered on Tuesdays therefore, if I started before the next Tuesday, we would have to skip a month. Due to not wanting to skip a month, I went ahead and called the fertility center yesterday even though I haven't started yet and got everything set up and ready to go for this cycle to start. They scheduled us for the injection class today and we went to it. I was not hopeful and not excited for today at all. Neither was Trent. We have both just really been struggling with the expense of it all. Well, I will say today went MUCH better than expected. We have chose not to go into huge detail on why it was so great but without going into all details, I will sum it up. First of all, we got called back into the "conference room". Luckily, we were the only couple in the class today so it wasn't too bad and we got some one on one attention. She basically just showed us how to work the shot, get the right dosage, and how to give it. There really isn't anything to it. I will be on the shots for 7-11 days as to where the pills I only took them for 5 days. Since I haven't started my period yet, they are hopeful I am pregnant now but I did tell them I felt it coming on and I really thought I would start soon. With my cycles, I am guessing I will start somewhere around Thursday. They said they wouldn't totally rule out pregnancy at this point. I took a test Sunday and it was negative. I took a test again today before going up there and it was negative again. Again, I really feel like it is coming on but it just hasn't yet. I am saying I am not pregnant but if it ends up that I am, it will be the greatest surprise of our lives since I have already gotten 2 negatives. Anyways, we now wait on me to start. As I have said before, when on injections, you have to be monitored MUCH more closely than on pills so this cycle will be hectic with numerous trips to Nashville within 2 weeks. Once I start, we will go in for an "initial ultrasound and blood work". On cycle day 3 or 4 (depending when I start) I will start the injections. 4-5 days after starting injections, I will go back in for another ultrasound and blood work. At that point, my body should really start responding therefore from that point on, I will be returning to the fertility center every 2 to 3 days for ultrasounds and more bloodwork until time for the trigger shot and then we will have the IUI. All in all, I will probably be making 4 - 5 trips to Nashville for this cycle. They said with the pills, they can usually say you will have IUI around cycle day 14 however with injections, everything is a day to day basis and there is really no way to say what cycle day IUI may fall on. This cycle is going to be really odd but I am really looking forward to it and hope and pray this cycle brings us our little miracle child. After going over all the previous with us, all I can say is God really reached his hand down and blessed us in the greatest way possible. When we got some WONDERFUL news, I immediately started crying. I knew at that exact moment, God had his hand in everything. God is watching out for us. That is difficult for me to say because I have started saying if God is really watching out for us then why has he not allowed us to become pregnant yet? Why would he make it possible that we may never be parents? But I can honest to God say that I think God was looking over us today. I think today he has his hand in this more than EVER before. We just pray that God will bless us through these injections with that sweet little child we have so longed and prayed for. Anyways, with saying this, they said that this could potentially help our chances and increase chances up to 10% better than with fertility pills such as the Clomid or Femara I was on previously. They said that they will be looking for 2 to 3 good follicles which kind of upsets me. I am really hoping for about 5 good follicles but on the same hand I understand that injections can be dangerous and if I am overstimulated, it could hospitalize me and be bad. They also said that if I do get overstimulated and pregnant at the same time, pregnancy can make over stimulation worse and more dangerous so that is the main reason I am monitored so closely. I am also monitored so closely so that they can tell me whether to keep my shot dosage the same or whether to increase or decrease it. By monitoring me so closely, they can try to help control me to not getting overstimulated. They also said that doing injections runs more of a risk of multiples than the normal fertility pills. They said it is VERY unlikely that we would end up with something more than triplets but she did warn us that if we ended up with quads or quints that the doctor would possibly approach us about "terminating" some of them. We told her absolutely not. There is no way regardless of how many we end up with will we EVER abort one of our babies. Whatever God blesses us with at this point is absolutely meant to be. She said one way that the doctor really may be serious about "terminating" one or two or however many is if they were causing complications to the other healthy ones. For instance if one or two were to implant in the cervix instead of the uterus which would cause dilation and cause miscarriages itself. In that case, he would really want to try to terminate something that would cause a problem with the healthy babies. I guess in that case I can almost understand but I can't imagine in anyway having to abort our child that we have tried so hard for.

The picture below is what an infertiles counter looks like on injection meds. Below is my Follistim Pen, some needles, 3 boxes of injections, Follistim information, and Pharmacy information. Walgreens has a "Compassionate Fertility Expertise" program to help people with the expenses of injections. Even at that, the injections alone still cost approx $1,200 on the low end. Not included in this picture is my Ovidrel shot (to trigger ovulation) and my Progesterone supplement. I have never had to take Progesterone supplements before however, once you are placed on fertility shots, they make you take Progesterone supplements after the shots and IUI.

All I can say is this round of IUI should be quiet interesting. I am very anxious and can finally say I am VERY excited about this cycle of IUI and can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Based on the good news we received today which I am not sharing, we are now thinking we will give ourselves two more tries instead of just 1 if the numbers in the vial this cycle is good. We are really hoping that the injections does the trick. I actually pray the numbers in the vial this month are well enough for us to break it up into two more tries instead of just one. I actually know someone who has had 3 pregnancies, used my doctor and could not get pregnant until she switched to injections. Everyone of her pregnancies were results of injections and IUI. This gives us so much hope that maybe just maybe injections will give us our sweet little blessing from above.

Summing all of this up, we have both really struggled lately and due to my struggles, I made the decision last week to deactivate my facebook for a while so that I didn't have to have constant reminders of what we don't have. I think starting with deleting the facebook for now was a great place to start in some of my healing process. I will continue to update everyone on the blog as much as possible and hope I didn't lose too many viewers by deactivating facebook. For the most part, I think my viewers will continue to come see the blog the only thing is they don't know now when it is updated, they will just have to randomly check but that is ok to. Again, I think this was for my best interest to keep me from constantly having reminders of what everyone else has that we don't. Since this cycle will be so crazy, I will try to update everyone as much as possible especially since we at this point are totally clueless when IUI will actually be. I guess this whole cycle will just be a lets wait and see what happens game. Should be interesting to say the least. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we get ready to face this month. I know God has an amazing plan hiding for us we just can't wait to see what it actually is. I pray God has blessed us in such huge ways today to prepare us for all the good to come. I don't understand how God can allow such wonderful things to happen if it is just not meant to be. Wishing and hoping and praying God will provide.

Kellen's First Halloween

This blog is pretty much just going to be a TON of pictures with descriptions of them.  I do apologize, there are a ton of pictures but my Kellen girl is just too cute not to share them.

 

First of all, Kellen had her 6 month check up on Wednesday and she is 18 pounds 2 ounces.  They said the doctor is ALWAYS commenting on how perfect Kellen is.  (As if we didn't already know that!)  Everyone always comments on how beautiful her eyes are and the doctor said that they were so blue that he really didn't think that they would change from the pretty blue color they are.  He also said that she should start trying to drink from a sippy cup.  Nay Nay bought her one and she took her whole bottle through her new sippy cup and held it all by herself the whole time.  She done so good with it.  She got to stay with her Nay Nay last night and I just love it when she stays with me.  She is always such a good girl and sleeps SO good for me. 

 

This weekend, I was in Manchester and got to see my sweet Kellen girl.  Since this was her first Halloween, I had a couple different types of pictures I wanted to try taking of her.  I accomplished it and they all turned out so cute.  She is just too precious.   

 

Nay Nay's girl is just too sweet with that
Beautiful little big smile of hers.

Her mommy likes this picture where she is
reaching over to touch the pumpkin.

The pictures I really wanted to take, I knew she would probably hate me when I attempted them but I was bound and determined to try and get them anyways. 

As you can see, I was EXACTLY right.  She did
hate me for a minute but then she settled down
and quit crying. 

LOL!  Once she quit crying, it took us a few minutes
to actually get her to smile.  I LOVE this face
she is giving me.

Ah, just look at that sweet smile she decided to
give her Auntie Nay Nay.

How in the world could you not just love this
beautiful smile?

These following pictures were actually taken the next day we decided we wanted some pictures with her standing with the pumpkin.  We didn't have a cute little matching bow for these pictures but I think she is cute enough without a bow.

I just love when she has that little tongue sticking
out.  She has got to where she makes noises
with her mouth and tongue constantly. 

She decided she thought she wanted to see what the
pumpkin stem tasted like.  I guess she changed her
mind though because she never ended up actually
getting close enough to do it.

If she would have been looking at me in this picture,
I think it would have just been way too adorable.

This picture just cracks me up.  I love the look on her face.

After taking Halloween pictures, we ended up just taking some normal ones.

Ah, those eyes are just to die for.  I just love that beautiful little face
of hers.

I don't know why but I also like this picture.  She was standing in her toy box.

Pure Beauty

Her mommy loves the picture of her looking at the book

Saturday afternoon, we all went out to eat and then just rode down random roads and brought back many memories of mine and Amber's childhood.  While we were riding around, Kellen slept the majority of the time however, during the time that she was awake, I took the chance to take some more sweet pictures of the sweet little baby girl.

I just love that little tongue hanging out.  Sweet girl
with such a sweet little smile.

I swear, she is the happiest baby I have EVER seen.

Not sure what it is about this picture but I just loved
her sweet little profile and pretty blue eyes.

Again, not sure what it is about this picture but I LOVE it.  Those eyes
and eyelashes are beautiful

This picture cracks me up.  She was sleeping, woke up and started
doing her spitting with her mouth and tongue noise and fell back
asleep making bubbles.

That's all.  I just wanted to share pictures of my Beautiful little niece.  I don't guess you can tell that I am one proud Auntie at all.

Surprise Weekend & 1 week down



On Saturday morning, I woke up missing my sister and Kellen.  I text her and told her I wanted to see her and the baby and I didn't know what mine and Trent's plans were for the day but the whole family should try to meet in Murfreesboro and all go out to eat.  She then told me she was going out to eat with some of her friends for their birthday in Murfreesboro already.  We both thought it was a bummer that it just wasn't gonna work for us to all meet.  I had told her previously that me and Trent wanted to do something Saturday but just didn't know what we was gonna do.  She later text me to see if I had talked to Trent about our plans.  I had told her no that he was still in the bed.  The day goes on and me and Trent decide that we will have a fire pit night and roast some hot dogs and marshmallows because we didn't figure it would ever work to meet with Amber since she had already went to Murfreesboro once that day.  I had told him that we should ask his parents and see if they want to come over and sit by the fire with us.  We had to run to town and when we did, we stopped by his parents house and took them some apple pies that I had made them and got some fire wood from them.  We tell them we will start the fire around 7 if they wanted to come.  We ran to Walmart and came back home.  While we were in Walmart, Trent was making a mad dash around the store and trying to get out of there.  We finally got out around 6 and had an hour to get home and get ready for our company.  On the way home, Trent said while I get the fire pit stuff set up and ready, straighten up the house a little before they get here.  We got home and I started doing just that.  About 10-15 minutes later, he comes in the house and told me he needed help with something to come outside.  I walked outside on the deck and said "HELLO!!!!   WHAT THE HECK ARE YA'LL DOING HERE?"  Yep, right in front of me stood my sister, Kellen, mom, and Kate.  I said hello originally because I was happy to see them and then my second reaction set in which was shock and thats why I then asked what the heck were they doing here.  When I had text Amber earlier in the day, apparently she was on her way to moms house and she had decided at that point that they should surprise me and come see us for the weekend.  The funny thing is, she had been texting Trent all day making sure it was ok if they came and keeping him up to date where they were and stuff.  That is the reason he was in a crazy hurry to get home from Walmart.  We ended up having a fun little fire pit night with my family and Trent's parents.  I was so happy to have everyone here with us.  We all had a good time just socializing and relaxing.  Before we went out to the fire pit though, Trent's parents had to love on Kellen.  I thought it was too cute.  She loved Trent's dad.  She loves Trent so well that I just wonder if he reminded her so much of her Uncle PoPo that she loved him too.  She just smiled at him and tried to give him several kisses.  It was too sweet.  It really makes me look forward to the day that we can make Trent's parents Grandparents.  As Trent prayed before our last IUI, he prayed that God would just bless us with a child and be able to let his parents experience what it was like to be grandparents along with my parents even though they are already grandparents.  I can't wait for the day to be able to share the news with our families that they will be grandparents and my parents will have yet another grandchild. 

 

Kellen with Trent's dad.  Mom and Amber was calling him
"Poppa Ricky" even though he isn't her poppa but it just kinda stuck.
She loved him!

Kellen giving "Poppa Ricky" some kisses.

I can only imagine how rotten he will have his actual grand baby because he sure was loving on Kellen and wanted to take her home with him.

Kellen with her Nay Nay at the fire pit.  She really liked the fire and
was amused by it.

Sweet little sleeping Angel.  She fell asleep outside
at the fire pit then her mommy took her in to sleep.

Getting her some tummy time in.

Sweet girl smiling.  I swear she is the most precious thing I have ever seen.

The funny thing, just earlier in the day, my neighbor had sent me a message and told me next time Amber is up with Kellen, to let her know because there was a picture she was wanting to try to take and Kellen was the only little girl small enough that she knew.  Well, I ended up letting her know that they surprised me and came up so she came over and took some pictures.  Kellen was somewhat fussy off and on due to being in the car for so long so we was unsure how well she would do for pictures but she ended up doing great and for it to be an impromptu photo shoot, she got some WONDERFUL pictures of my sweet little baby girl.  On a side note, it is very unusual for Kellen to be cranky.  She is such a good baby and always has been but she has gotten to where she fights sleep and also, we wonder if she isn't trying to start teething.  She has been fussier than normal and she is drooling more too. Anyways, the below pictures are by Out of Focus Photography (my neighbor)

 

This is the picture she wanted to take from the
beginning.  I think it ended up being a little
difficult to get though because Kellen kept
trying to pull her feet out of the shoes.  Aren't
those fat little leg rolls just too cute though?





After she took the picture she wanted, she ended up taking more.  They all turned out wonderful but below are just a few of my favorites.

 



Oh my goodness, I just can't get over how
gorgeous this baby girl is.  Her Nay Nay
thinks she is the most beautiful thing ever!
I think she looks like her mommy in this picture
and those eyes and eyelashes are just to
die for.

Oh my goodness!  Couldn't you just eat her up?  Again, look at those eyes!

In this picture, she was looking at "Poppa Ricky"
It amazes me how much she liked him.  She has
only seen him once before and she was 9 days old

This picture, I just absolutely adore.  I love the mouth wide open smile and
the way she is looking to the side.  She was looking at me and
smiling with her mouth wide open while I was talking to her.

This is her mommys favorite picture. 

Last night on facebook, I said "There is one thing that can warm an infertiles heart more than anything and that is her B-E-A-U-TIFUL niece. This baby is Nay Nay's world. I just love her to pieces".  I honestly think with this statement though I speak for both me and Trent.  He also adores this baby girl so much.  I swear every time he sees her, he puts her to sleep.  She woke up last night close to midnight (which again is VERY unusual for her) and I went in there and took her from her mommy.  We gave her a bottle and Trent then took the fussy butt and took her to the room and put her to sleep.  He came out holding the sleeping baby and smiling.  I said you just think you got the magic touch to put her to sleep all the time don't you?  He said "no, I just love putting her to sleep.  I love feeling her just relaxing on me"  Oh my goodness my hubby melts my heart with kids but I don't guess any of you already knew that anyways.  I just think its precious.  We were talking today about him putting her to sleep all the time and I said I guess you will be putting our child to sleep all the time won't you?  He said "Yeah and I will sing to it too".  I just thought that was too cute because he also sings to Kellen to help put her to sleep.  I just LOVE seeing him with babies.  I know one day God will bless us but we are just waiting on that day to come.

Speaking of waiting on that day to come, we are 1 week down in our 2 week wait.  We will be testing a week from today and I am very anxious and ready to test.  At the same time, I am scared to test knowing that we only have probably 1 try left and maybe 2.  None the less, I know us getting pregnant chances are starting to run very slim.  If it's gonna happen, we need it to happen now.  If and when it happens, I just pray that God blesses us with the healthiest pregnancy possible.  I don't even mind if I am sick with the pregnancy but with everything we have been through, it would be an absolute nightmare for something to happen.  Not only that but if something was to happen like God forbid a miscarriage but if we were pregnant this time, again we only have 1 maybe 2 more times to try and make it happen and my biggest fear is something happening on our last try when we would then have to grieve a miscarriage and also grieve knowing we would never have another chance.  Anyways, for all those wondering, NO I am not stressing over that but of course I can't help but to fear the unknown in everything we have been through.  Honestly, that is not something I have thought much about but now that we are getting down to the end of it all, it sets in all new fears that we have never truly had to fear in the past.  I just pray God will continue to take care of us in every way and help us to become the parents that we have so long desired.

Ashlie, Honey, Darlin, Baby - IUI #7



This cycle has been full of all kinds of twists and turns.  From reading the past few blogs, you can see the most of the twists this cycle has given us and in this one, I am going to give another twist that has happened which is where the blog title came from.  We are so very happy that this IUI is done and over with.  I pray that IUI # 7 brings us that sweet little baby we have so long prayed for. 

 

Warning for those men readers that I may have out there and also to those that don't want to hear too much TMI, you may want to skip this paragraph and go straight down to the next.  As I have said in a previous blog, after the trigger shot you are supposed to ovulate 24 - 36 hours later.  I took the trigger shot at 10:15 Saturday night which meant at the earliest, I should have ovulated was Sunday night at about 10:15.  Well, Sunday morning, I got up, went to church, came home, used the bathroom and when I did, HERE IS THE TMI SO YOU BETTER SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY AND DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  When I used the bathroom, there was a HUGE glob of cervical mucous.  More cervical mucous than I have EVER seen.  Immediate panic set in.  I get upset and start crying, I get moody, and I must add, I feel sorry for Trent.  After I cry for a while, I just decide to take a nap so I can get my mind off of it.  Now, the reason this upset me so badly is because an egg only lives for about 24 hours.  If I had ovulated previous to about 12:45 when I used the bathroom, today would have been a wasted IUI.  Then I got mad because we had wasted the money on the shot and everything else for that month IF I had already ovulated.  If I did ovulate, that means it would have been only about 12 - 13 hours after trigger shot. 

 

After what happened in the previous paragraph happened, me and Trent decided that before they came to get us to verify the donor information and to thaw the vial today, we would ask to speak to a nurse to make sure it wasn't ovulation yesterday morning.  Well, of course of all people that came to talk to us, it was Lisa.  Now, we LOVE Lisa but I think she thinks I am a little crazy.  She knows I am very picky about this whole situation and knows I like for everything to be perfect.  She also knows I over think things and like to have ALL of my ducks in a row.  I am always asking her a million questions.  Well, this morning when I told her about possible ovulation early yesterday morning she says "Ashlie, Honey, Darlin, Baby, you have got to calm down".  Me and Trent busted out laughing.  She reassures us it was not ovulation yesterday morning that it was most likely my body just preparing for ovulation.  She eases my mind and we go back out to the waiting room. 

 

If I had not ovulated yesterday morning, I knew I was going to be more excited about this cycle than ever before.  I can't help but to have in my mind the fact that we waited about 36 hours this time and this could be the magic trick to getting us pregnant.  Once we found out it wasn't ovulation yesterday morning, we get very excited and are acting totally goofy in the waiting room.  The lady from the lab calls us back to verify our donors information.  While we are there, we ask her not to use the vial from back in March of last year because this was the "one bad vial" that we had left and really didn't want to use right now.  This is the vial we was just randomly going to throw in with another vial.  We keep talking with the lady from the lab and I don't remember exactly what the conversation was but Trent says "Happy Wife, Happy Life" and the lab lady starts laughing and makes a big scene out of it.  She says, "I still haven't been able to train my husband, how in the world did you train him?"  I spoke out of 110% pure honesty and said he was that way when I found him.  Anyways, it was just too funny.  She had a good laugh with us. 

 

We then go back out to the waiting room and wait our approx hour and a half for the vial to be thawed and numbers to be counted.  During that time we are in a good mood, cutting up, acting crazy and being excited for what the day has in store for us.  We are very hopeful that today is the day.  Actually right before they called us back, I had posted on facebook "Today is the day! Today is the day! Today is the day! I am going to keep telling myself that. I am very hopeful and excited for today's outcome. Let go, let God! God is in control and is going to take care of us and supply our wants."  After we wait for our vial to be thawed, they call us back, check our wrist bands and then, the bad news.  I look down and see our chart and see that it says 6.3 million.  I immediately get really sad and asked the nurse practitioner if she thought we should unthaw another vial to use.  She said "well, you only have 2 vials left".  At that point, I about croaked.  No, we should have 3 vials!!!  What happened to the other vial?  I pull my composure together before I speak and I then told her we should have 3 vials left not 2.  She said ok, lets go back in the room and look at this and try to figure it out.  We get to the room and I pull out my handy folder. 

 

My folder that I keep up with EVERYTHING



This folder has stuck by my side through this whole infertility journey.  My folder is part of the reason that Lisa thinks I am crazy.  I always have this thing by my side when we go in there and normally have questions wrote down in it for them.  This thing is like my very most prized possession at this time.  It has everything in it as I have said in a previous blog.  Donor information, our information, vial information, all previous test results, IUI info, ultrasound info, surgery info, calendar, etc.  It has EVERYTHING we have dealt with through this journey in it.  To the point now, today was perfect example of why I carry it around like it is my most prized possession.  When we were trying to decide how many vials we have left, I immediately flipped to that section of my folder and started naming off to her how many vials we should have on what dates they were collected.  When we use a vial, we mark it off on our sheet so we have kept up with this very well and know EXACTLY how many we should have.  She wrote down what I thought we should have and went back to the lab to check with them.  When she came back, she said I was correct that they did find the other vial, it was just stored away somewhere different since it was done on a different date.  Shew, ok, that was a sudden sigh of relief however, this did not solve our problem of only having 6.3 million.  Once we discovered we did have 3 vials, we then continued to discuss with her about using another vial.  We then explained to her that me and Trent had previously discussed using the "one bad vial" in with another vial at some point.  She agreed and thought it would be wise and better our chances slightly to use that "one bad vial" since we won't be paying to use that vial alone.  She then left the room with the thawed vial to put it back in the incubator and thawed the other vial.  We then had to wait in the room for about another hour for that vial to thaw.  When she left the room, I lost it.  The vial that had only 6.3 million motile was the best vial that we thought we had left.  Again, they like to see atleast 10 million motile or higher for your best chances.  Since this was the best vial we had left, we knew that other than the one they were fixing to thaw, the last 2 vials would most likely only have about 5 million motile a piece in them which means we may have to combine those 2 vials.  If this is the case, after today instead of having 2 tries left, we may only have 1 try left.  This is very difficult information for us to choke down.  As much as we are ready for all of this to be over, we are scared for it to all be over.  I am TERRIFIED of only having 1 chance left at this if this cycle fails.  I cried for a while, prayed myself, asked for many prayers on facebook, quit crying and tried to be strong because I knew we had today's IUI to look forward to and try to be strong about.  We was still upset though because we knew based on previous results that the "one bad vial" that they have went to thaw would only have about 1 million to 1.5 million motile which would only increase us to about 8 million motile at the most.  After about an hour, she comes back in smiling and says "I got good news".  We immediately perked up and she then said "We have 9.8 motile sperm count"  That definitely cheered us up and we said "Combined?"  She responds with "NO in the 1 vial we just unthawed.  You now have about 16 million motile total".  What?  Oh my God?  How is this possible?  There is no way that this "ONE BAD VIAL" that we have had since last year and refused to use has gave us 9.8 million motile sperm count.  We even skipped doing IUI in February because that "one bad vial" was the only one we had at that time and we was not wasting money on it.  The only explanation I can give is when I posted on facebook for everyone to pray for us, they prayed, we prayed, everyone prayed, and God heard every single prayer that was prayed and answered some prayers for us.  I want to back up a little bit and say that while we was waiting the hour on the bad vial to thaw, I had called my mom to let her know what was going on and she told me that a story in the Bible came to mind and she didn't know why.  She didn't know if it meant anything or not but she felt like she needed to tell me.  The story was the one where the little boy had a couple loafs of bread and 2 fish and God made enough food from that to feed 5,000.  WOW!!!!  I think God brought that story to my moms mind for a reason.  God sure turned the "one bad vial" into a MILLIONS more motile sperm that what we expected.  Anyways, I used the restroom, she told me to undress, I told her to give us time to pray, then we would crack the door to let her know we were ready.

 

When I got back from the bathroom, Trent was checking out our vials.  He made me VERY nervous that he would drop them.  Boy would that be a nightmare.  They do have a lid on them but what if the vials broke.  Oh gosh, just too much to worry about.  We prayed, I got undressed and she came in, done the IUI and it was done and over with in no time as always.   She set the timer for 15 minutes as always and left the room.  Trent was back to his normal self, he added 5 minutes to the timer to make me lay there for a total of 20 minutes.  While we were laying there, he said he wondered what they done with the empty vials.  He just knew this round was going to work and wanted to bring the vials home for memories.  He waited till the nurse practitioner came back in and asked her if we could have them.  She said yes because they normally just got thrown away anyways.  Now, if we get pregnant on this round, we have the vials and it is just an extra added thing to help us explain to our child how they got here.  I have wrote a story to tell our child to explain everything to them as an infant.  It will be his/her/their bedtime story.  They will always know how they came about even though the story is very different from the norm. 

 Here I am after the IUI with the EMPTY vials.

Us together after IUI #7.  Trent is proud of our vials.

Again with the vials after the IUI was done.

Ok, this next picture is ridiculously stupid but we were in such a good mood after getting the good news on our motile sperm count that we were being absolutely ridiculously crazy.  Trent stuck the empty vials up my nose. 

 

Oh my goodness, I just love us.  I am sure most people think we are absolutely retarded but I am glad that even though we have been through so much, we can still laugh, cut up and have fun with one another.





As if laying down for 20 minutes at the doctors office wasn't enough, he made me lay down in the car on the way home with my hips propped up.  We went to eat at Olive Garden and got a nice full belly so I sat up for about an hour and a half to 2 hours and then when we got home, he put the recliner on the floor and made me prop up like this for 15 minutes.  He is just too silly.  I love him to death and can't wait to make him a daddy.

Today was a VERY emotional day for the both of us but it ended up being a GREAT day.  We will be testing on the 28th so I pray God just blesses us with that little miracle this month.  
 

I am sorry this blog was so horribly long but ALOT took place today so I figured I would share it all.  We are still concerned about the fact of possibly only having 1 try left however, we are trying to remain faithful, confident, and hopeful that this is the time for God to bless us with a child and we won't have to worry about anymore tries.

Dr. Haddock - Paging - Dr. Haddock



By the way, Trent came up with the title as he is so proud of himself.  Continue reading to see why.

 

So, tonight was the night I was supposed to give myself the Ovidrel trigger shot.  On Wednesday when they said I may have to give it to myself, I was really dreading it.  I really didn't want to give myself a shot in my stomach.  I had asked Trent if he wanted to do it and he just gave me a look like I was crazy.  Well, when we returned to the office on Friday and they confirmed I would definitely be giving myself a shot, I was still somewhat nervous about it but after a couple of hours of it sinking in, I became ok with it.  I had asked Trent again several times between yesterday and today if he wanted to give it to me and he just kept saying he would be nervous but I could tell a part of him might have wanted to do it.  Anyways, they told me to do the shot 36 hours before IUI.  IUI is scheduled for 9:30 Monday morning therefore I was supposed to take it at 9:30 tonight.  We figured it wouldn't hurt anything to take it at 10 though so the plan was to take it at 10 as Trent would be at work and it would be easier for him to come by the later it was.  Of course, he got a call and called me at about 9:55 and asked if I was going to take it right at 10.  I told him I needed to and asked him how quickly he could get here.  He said he had just got off the call and was on his way but it would be about 10:10 or 10:15 before he could get here.  I then asked him if he wanted to be here for it and in a cute little silly voice he said "yeah, don't ya want me to be there?"  I could really tell by the way he said it that he really wanted to be here.  Then I asked him again if he was going to give it to me and he responded again in the cutest little silly happy voice "I am going to be nervous but yeah, I want to be a part of it as much as I can".  I immediately got the biggest smile on my face and said, ok, but you have to hurry home.  I need to take it as soon as possible.  I ended up taking the shot about 45 minutes later than what they told me to but I really  wanted him to be able to be a part of it.  

 



Holding the shot before giving it to me.

 I was so incredibly proud of him.  I swear he was a Pro at it.  You would think he is a nurse and gives shots all the time.  I didn't feel a thing.  The only thing I could feel was the medicine being pushed in.  I now feel 110% confident that God forbid this cycle fails, if we get switched to the injections, Trent can give me my daily shots.  I honestly was a little more nervous about him giving me the shot than I was giving myself the shot just because I knew he was nervous.  I used to give myself allergy shots in my arm so I had at least given myself some before so thought this shouldn't be a big deal.  When I would give myself the allergy shots though, I could never do the needle like a dart in my skin like nurses do it.  I would just put the needle on my skin and then push it in.  Trent on the other hand, as I said, he was a Pro.  He threw the needle in like it was a dart and it was done and over with in no time.  I couldn't believe how easy it was after it was all done and over with.  I can't say how proud of him I am and so happy that he was able to a part of it. 

I look very rough as I had just gotten out of the shower and
gotten my hair dried but this was right after the shot.

Now, some thoughts on this IUI cycle timing.  I don't know if you all remember or not but in the past I have been paranoid about the timing of the IUI.  You are supposed to ovulate 24 - 36 hours after the trigger shot.  All of my IUI's have been about 24 - 29 hours after the trigger shot.  I have always wanted to put more time between the 2 but it has never worked out to where we could put this big of a gap between the shot and the IUI.  I am excited to see how this round goes putting that 36 hour gap in there as I have always wanted.  I have read that frozen and thawed sperm does not live as long as fresh sperm.  My fertility center however said they have not heard this before and have never noticed a difference in the procedures they have done.  If my readings are correct though, this larger gap could possibly make all the difference in the world.  If I ovulate around the 36 hour mark and not the 24 hour mark then if we are doing the IUI at the 24 hour mark and the sperm doesn't live as long as fresh, who knows they could have been dying off and not being there when I ovulate.  Of course, this is all just my thought process but as I said, I am very excited to see what happens this round as I am getting what I have always wanted with this larger gap.  My fertility center is not this way but I have ready that some fertility centers do ALL IUI's 36 hours after the trigger shot.  My fertility center says as long as it is 24 hours later, that is good enough.  Since I was a little big later taking the shot than what they told me to do, by the time we do IUI, we will have a 35 hour gap instead of the 36 hour gap they said but surely, just an hour difference isn't going to be the make or break deal. 

I haven't said anything yet as to when we will be testing.  They normally say test 2 weeks after the trigger shot and that would put us testing on the 27th however me and Trent are in agreeance that since we had to do the shot so late today that we will wait until the 28th to test.  This will be my sisters birthday so hopefully Amber will find out that she will be an Auntie on her birthday.  We absolutely can't wait for the day that we can share the news with everyone that we will finally be parents and are expecting "Our favorite what IF"  IF = Infertility.  I like the saying for our future child "You will always be our favorite what IF" because infertility definitely makes you say what IF this or what IF that.

Just wanted to give everyone an update.

Tough Decisions

Just recently, over the past couple of days, we have forced ourselves to make a tough decision.  Its a decision that we have discussed several times and I have mentioned it a couple of times on here but we realize we are down to the point the decision had to be made. 

As I have said in the past, we have 4 vials left.  3 of them are good but 1 of them has very low numbers.  Based on this, we could technically have 4 tries of IUI left however, we have decided that we are not going to spend the money on the 4th vial that has low numbers.  Instead of using this 4th vial separately, we will just add it in with another vial and have more numbers total.  The most of this decision is based on the fact that if this round fails, we are being moved to injections.  We don't want to spend $2,000 - $3,000 on a vial that won't give us very good chances.  Even if not being moved to injections, I don't think we want to take our chances on the 1 poor vial.  This is a difficult decision to make because we could have 4 tries left but now that we have made this decision, we have 3 total tries left including the one we are getting ready to do on Monday.  This is hard because if we finish the 3 tries and we still aren't pregnant, I don't want to look back and say well we could have 1 try left if...  We have to know that we made this decision to best benefit us and stick with it and not look back with regrets.  In some sense, I am glad there is only 3 tries left because as I have said previously, if this is not how we are meant to be parents, I am ready for this journey to end and us grieve the fact of not having a child of our own and move on. 

Another decision that I don't know if we are going to have to make or not is whether to move to injections this round or not.  When we got switched to Clomid, I know the doctor said he was going to give us one or two rounds on Clomid and then move to injections.  Well, this month is month one back on Clomid so I don't really know what doctors plans are for next month if this one fails.  Will he leave the decision to us to move to injections now or will he make that decision.  This is something me and Trent really needs to start discussing also.  I have said I want to do more than one round of injections just to give us better chances and if that is the case, we will have to switch the next cycle if this one doesn't work but on the same hand, if we have to do 2 rounds of injections, we are looking at $4,000-$6,000 on just 2 cycles.  Geez, all this money we are spending is really adding up and getting really old.  I just wish we had money trees growing in our back yard to where we didn't have to worry about all of this.  If we do get moved to injection meds, we may have to skip a month of IUI because you have to take a class that is offered only on Tuesdays and if that doesn't fall just right with my cycle, we will have to skip a month.

I am totally clueless about this whole next process I am fixing to mention.  It is just something I have thought about and to be totally honest, me and Trent haven't even talked about it so that is how fresh this whole thing is on my mind.  I have just been thinking about it over about the last week.  Another HUGE factor in all of this is $$$$$ as is everything else we have faced with infertility.  Due to our strong desire to carry  a child ourselves just so we can experience everything there is about pregnancy, etc. I have considered Embryo adoption.  That is where couples have went through IVF and instead of "throwing away" the Embryo's that have formed, they put them out there for adoption so others can try to conceive with their embryo's.  This is just like adoption however, you carry the child yourself.  I actually really love the thought of this.  Trent's parents actually go to church with a couple that went through IVF 3 or 4 years ago and ended up with Triplet boys (unfortunately, one passed).  But the way she said it was her and her husband is Pro Life and they were not going to just "throw away" an embryo that had already been formed so they put them up for Embryo adoption.  She said that they have been used but she has no clue if the couples who adopted them actually conceived or not.  Too bad we didn't know about our issues sooner and couldn't have used their embryo's.  None the less, I do think this is something that I would like to look into if our next 3 cycles of IUI fails.  Again, this will be based alot around money so who knows if we could do it or not but I think it is definitely a great consideration as it would again be the same as adoption, we would just carry the child ourselves.  Another plus is if the couple who put the Embryo up for adoption, doesn't know if the couple conceives or not then as apposed to adoption, the parents will never know a thing about the child and we don't have to worry about the parent trying to take the child back before everything is finalized or anything like that.  Again, I have never even looked into Embryo Adoption so I know absolutely nothing about is but I do think it is a great way of adoption!

Last but no least, the reason money plays such a HUGE role in all we do is because we don't want to be left childless the rest of our lives.  If we spend too much more money on trying to get pregnant, are we going to be able to afford adoption?  That is the whole reason we didn't do IVF from the very get go because we thought it we done IVF, that would only give us 1 try and could we afford adoption in the end if we spent all that money on IVF.  Now that we have already spent on the lower - mid range of IVF, I see that we will do whatever it takes to try and not be childless the rest of our lives.  Again, I just wish we had money trees in our back yard.  Honest to God, I don't know how we are going to do it if pregnancy doesn't work for us.  I don't know how we are going to afford adoption.  Thank God we had the savings we did before we ever knew we were dealing with infertility but that is QUICKLY dwindling down and I don't know how we will do it if we have to adopt.  Searching out adoption terrifies me if we have to move to this step.  If it comes to adoption, I just wish one would fall into our laps.  I know that sounds maybe lazy to some but I don't know where to start, what to do, how heart wrenching it will be or anything that comes along with searching for a child.  If one just falls in our lap as it did before, we have what we want and it was just meant to be. 

Anyways, just wanted to update everyone on some decisions we are faced with.  We just pray that God will continue to watch over us, take care of us and lead us to the exact path we need to be on.  I just pray he makes something work soon as financially, I really don't know how much more we can take. 

Everyone please continue to keep us in your prayers as I will be giving myself my trigger shot tonight and going in for IUI on Monday.  I just pray that #7 is the one.  God be with us.

UPDATED:  I need to clarify myself on something by saying that I do understand that there are kids out there that need a good home and with Embryo adoption, it is not like regular adoption in that sense but in all other ways other than you carrying your adopted child, I think embryo adoption is like regular adoption because you are adopting a child that is not yours and caring for it.

Follicular Ultrasound - IUI #7 - Awareness Updates

Just a quick update.  Today went well.  They said the follicles was definitely getting bigger however, I still was not ready.  I totally expected that.  I didn't think I would be ready today.  The follicles have grown from Wednesday having 3 on the right side 2 at 12mm and 1 at 13mm and 1 on the left side at 10mm.  Today, the 3 on the right side was measuring 1 at 17mm, 1 at 16mm and 1 at 14.5mm.  The one on the left side was showing < 10mm.  One of two things happened.  1) I looked at the paper wrong Wednesday and it wasn't actually 10mm or 2) the one on the left side shrunk.  Who knows which one it really is.  I guess I will find out Monday when I get copies of my ultrasound report.  I will be giving myself the Ovidrell Trigger shot late tomorrow night and we will be going in for IUI on Monday morning.  We got confirmation today that follicles do grow 1-2mm per day.  The progress of 2 of mine are showing 2mm a day and 1 of them is showing progress of only about 1mm per day so by tomorrow when I trigger, my follicles should be approx 19mm, 18mm, and 15-16mm.  Even after I trigger though, the follicles will continue to grow until actual ovulation and the eggs release.  After triggering, it takes 24-36 hours to actually ovulate so by the time of ovulation, my eggs should be approx 21mm, 20mm, and maybe 17-18mm.  Of course, this is all my calculations however, they did say by the time of the IUI on Monday I will have 2 good eggs and possibly 3.  These follicles are smaller than what we are used to but they like to see them at at least 18mm so as long as they are that, we aren't complaining.  The one at 21mm is about normal for me.  My follicle is usually above 20 and normally around 23-24mm.  Also, something I didn't mention anything about the other day was they said my endometrial lining was still too thin at only 5.3mm but today that has improved up to 8mm and will continue to thicken until ovulation so they are no longer worried about that. 

I just wanted to let everyone know how today went and let everyone know that we will definitely be doing IUI this month since as of Wednesday, we were unsure how I would respond and thought we may have to cancel this cycle.  We will update everyone Monday and let you know how the actual IUI goes.

Also, while I am thinking about it, I will mention the things I am trying to do to raise awareness as I mentioned a couple of blogs ago that I would like to do. 
1)  Some of you may have already seen that I posted this on facebook so it may be a repeat but I wanted to share it hear also. I have gotten in contact with a lady in Nashville who has also been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years and about 2 years ago she started an infertility support group because she wanted to help others.  I told her my desires to help others and raise awareness for this nasty disease and told her I had considered a 5k.  She said she wanted to meet with me and brainstorm on what we could come up with together and do.  In saying that, I will most likely join her infertility support group the first Tuesday in November and meet her.  Again, this may go no where but I am happy and excited to meet her and see what possibilities could possibly open up through us meeting.
2)  At work, the marketing department sent out an email concerning something they were doing this Saturday called "A Walk to Remember" for those who have had a miscarriage, still birth or lost a child as a newborn.  I light bulb went off in my head and I thought, if they can do a walk for this, why not do a walk for Infertility Awareness in April of next year around National Infertility Awareness week.  I went to the Marketing department and talked to the only person I knew there and she said they can't plan that however, she did give me the ladies name and extension that is in charge of Women's services at the hospital and said she would be the one I would talk to and try to get something together with her.  The lady is actually out of work this week so I have been unable to talk to her but I will be calling her next week to see what I can get done.
3)  There is a lady I am friends with on Facebook.  My parents went to church with her and she actually has a business called Beads 4 U.  (look her up).  She makes bracelets, necklaces, etc.  I had contacted her and asked her if she could make me an infertility awareness bracelet and also, I may buy a couple and do a give away next year around Infertility Awareness week and give one away to help raise awareness.  She told me to give her a couple days to see what she could come up with so once I get one, I will post for everyone to see and if you would like one, you can let me know or you could contact her.  Also, when it comes time for infertility awareness week next year, I am hopeful that I can draw attention to my blog to raise awareness and do the give away from here.  Just a thought.

Anyways, I am done talking now, just wanted to update everyone on what all is going on with us and this ol' journey we are on.