Friday, September 14, 2012

IUI #6 = Full of Emotions

Don't know what is up with me the past 2 days but really don't feel like blogging so I will try to sum it all up pretty quickly today.  I do have a ton of emotions going on though so will try to add those into this quick little blog.  This morning we woke up and I was in total shock that it was actually the day that we would be going back for IUI.  It just really didn't seem real that after 8 months, we are actually having the chance to go back at it again.  I told Trent that maybe I am more anxious, excited, scared, nervous, and all that good stuff than I realize because as I was taking a shower this morning, for some reason at one point, I almost felt as if I couldn't breathe.  Something in my throat/chest area felt funny and I had to take a deep breathe.  Also, several times on the way to Nashville and before the actual IUI, I felt like I had to take in deep breaths and just breathe out slowly.  I felt like at times, I just really had to focus on what we were getting ready to experience yet again.  I look back at so many things and just Thank God that he has his hand in all of this.  If God wouldn't have played everything out just right, we would already be at the end of our Journey with still no child to show for it.  Also this morning as we were driving to Nashville, I just had an overwhelming thought to hit me that made me emotional.  I can't help but to think of how wonderful our donor is and just how grateful we are for him and his graciousness to us.  If it wasn't for him getting us more vials back in December, we would have only had 1 vial left and we would have used that in February and not waited this break.  He could have easily told us no that he was done helping.  I can't imagine what we have really put him through just to help us but we are more grateful than words could ever say for him and his selflessness.  Because he was gracious enough to get us more, we are able to continue our journey in trying to have a child.  If he wouldn't have gotten us more vials, we would have used all of our vials and still never known that I myself had an infertility problem.  Luckily, now before today, we had 5 vials left and found my problem and fixed it.  That among other things had my emotions going early this morning.  I teared up several times again just going to Nashville this morning realizing how blessed and lucky we are that we even have the chance to try and have our own child.  There are some people out there that are not as lucky as we are and will never be able to attempt parenthood of their own child.  I often say no one will ever understand what we are going through and I still stick to that however, we will never understand what someone is going through that for example has had to have a hysterectomy at an early age due to health issues.  I can't imagine not even being able to take a chance at our journey.  Anyways, I will get off of the emotions I had going to Nashville.
 
Now, on to today.  We had been saying all along that these vials that we have left (other than 1) will have better numbers than we have ever had before however, in the midst of everything, we looked over one very important factor and just this morning realized the numbers would not be as GREAT as what we thought they would be but still thought they would be somewhat better than before.  After getting to the fertility center this morning, we checked in, verified donor information and waited the hour for the vial to thaw. 

Here we are in the waiting room waiting on the vial to thaw.
 After a little over an hour, Lisa, the nurse came out to get us.  When we got through the doors, I immediately started looking down at the paper to try and see what it said.  I asked her "does that say 10 million motile count?"  She said yes and started smiling and said that's good.  That is what we like to see.  I said I know but we just thought the numbers was going to be better than any before.  She then told us she would thaw another vial if we wanted her to but she wouldn't if it was her.  We agreed that we didn't want to thaw another one either.  They want to see 10 million and 10 million exactly is what we had and we have used less than that before so I definitely wasn't complaining.  It just came as a bit of a surprise since we thought it was going to be better.  That was when we realized we missed the important factor that we forgot about.  Anyways, she then started picking on me about my book that I carry around.  I have a 2 inch folder that I have kept up with ALL of our infertility stuff in.  It also carries the donor's information so I can confirm everything when we go in and also tell them what vial I would like to use each IUI since all of the vial information is also kept in this book.  I tell you, this folder has it ALL.  She has always laughed at me because I carry this book around and always seem to have a list of questions in it that I have for them.  When I don't have my book with me, they thing something is wrong.  Actually last time I went in there without it was probably the only time I have ever walked in there with out it and she asked me "You mean you don't have your book with your list of questions today?  1, 2, 3, 4 ?" LOL.  I am sure I cant be the most organized crazy infertility person that they have ever seen.  Ok, I admit, I just might be.  Anyways, we got back to the room and I again asked her about our chances increasing since he removed the endometriosis, fibroid and polyps during surgery and she again confirmed our chances were better now since all of that is now gone.  "We are starting with a clean slate".  She also informed me in that room, we would only be positive.  lol.  The scary thing is, I feel a little too positive knowing we are starting with a clean slate and that scares me.  She even went as far as saying that she could just feel it, this was the time.  I told her that she was actually not the only person that has said this to us and this in itself scares me.  Why does everyone feel this way?  Just because they know everything we have been through or is God talking to EVERYONE one else and telling them this is it for us?  Anyways, She knows we like to pray over the vial and for each procedure before we do it so she gave us a minute to pray and then I got ready for her to come in.  She came in and just like always got the procedure done and over with in no time.  As she was pushing the sperm in where it should go, she said "Go Charlie Go, Swim Baby Swim"  She always make the procedure so comfortable and easy.  A little TMI ahead if you don't want to hear it, skip ahead to after the next picture.  After the procedure, she also confirmed for us that I had good cervical mucous there just like there should be during ovulation.  Again, the mucous is a vital part of getting pregnant and helping the sperm in getting to where it needs to be.  This made me and Trent VERY happy to hear this.  I have always been a little uneasy in the past and particular about wanting to know that we timed it just right.  Last night and this morning, Trent had asked me if I had the cervical mucous for ovulation and I didn't which made us nervous.  I don't know why but I just like to know that it is there and perfect timing.  Well, once we got to the fertility center while waiting for the vial to thaw, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed some there at that point.  God just comes through right on time for us. 

Right after IUI #6
This picture cracks me up for a couple reasons.  1, I think it is just perfect
to show our silliness.  I am truly not sure if there is a married couple out
there as crazy as we are.  We are truly nuts together.  We are always doing
crazy stuff.  2.  It cracks me up because after I got home and was putting this
picture on the computer, I was looking back at previous IUI pictures and
realized we had actually taken this same picture after another IUI.
Speaking of our silliness, one random day, Trent said he loved me and I was in my own little world and didn't respond to him so he busted out in this silly voice and said "I sssaaaayyyy!" and every since then, it seems like we say this all the time at random moments and for no real reason at all.  Well, my mom thinks it is so funny when we say this that she has informed us she wants us to tell her we are pregnant by saying to her "We sssaaayyy" so we have decided to add in in a continued silly voice, "We're gonna have a baby!".  My mom is always saying that we should have our own reality show because we are just crazy and honestly are just 110% ourselves around each other.  I feels good to be able to act like a 5 year old and not care what the other person thinks of you.  That is what we love so much about one another just the simple fact that we can be ourselves and honest to God love the craziness of each other.  Because we are so crazy together, we may just have to post that video for everyone to enjoy with her and us. 

IUI #6 gets two thumbs up.  Hopefully this will be the last IUI for about
2 years and we will save the vials we have and go back at it again
My calculations were wrong and we will actually be testing on the 27th instead of the 28th.  I forgot that we test 2 weeks after the shot, not 2 weeks after the actual IUI.  I can't believe how emotional I am over this IUI.  I have no idea why either.  The only thing I can think of is because our chances are greater than ever since my surgery.  I have been the biggest cry baby over the past couple of days.  I think some of that might have to do with the meds but not really sure.  Even putting the meds to the side, today was very emotional.  More so than any other IUI we have ever been through.  I cried after the IUI while I was laying there waiting my 15 minutes and then cried several times on our way home.  I think a little bit of it is being scared of the 2 week wait.  Other than that, I really don't know why my emotions are already running wild.  Oh, and speaking of the 15 minute wait after the IUI, if you will remember, Trent turned the timer up 5 minutes every single IUI previously and the one IUI he couldn't be there for, he made sure my mom knew it was her responsibility to do his job and increase the timer for him.  Well, he said a week or so ago, he was going to "change it up" and not touch the timer.  Today after the IUI, I asked him if he had increased the time I had to lay there and he said "No, I told you I was going to change it up".  I was shocked.  He didn't touch the timer.  We just thought it was funny that he always turned it up more so I would have to lay longer.

Anyways, I just pray that God will continue to see the desires of our heart and give us that sweet little blessing that we have so long desired.  I pray that he will also give us the strength and courage to make it through the next 2 weeks without too many emotions involved.  Every time previously, the 2WW honestly flew by but also seemed to be the hardest part of it all.  I would almost say even harder than the actual negative test.  Hopefully in 2 weeks, we will have WONDERFUL news to share with everyone until then, maybe I can keep everyone updated with our feelings and how we are doing.  Oh, and by the way, I guess even though I didn't feel like blogging, obviously, once I get doing it, I am just on a roll because this again ended up much longer than what I expected.  Sorry it was again so long and drawn out.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Follicular Ultrasound #6

Well, I am very happy to say that today's ultrasound went exceptionally well.  I was very anxious for today's ultrasound more so than I have EVER been for any other procedure we have been through.  In reality, I still realize it could never happen however, I am more anxious, excited and kinda scared over this procedure than I have EVER been before.  I think it is for the simple fact that I know we have better chances now than we have ever had before.  I have been reflecting back over our whole journey alot today and it truly amazes me what all me and Trent have endured over our whole relationship.  It all started with me and Trent 9 years and 8 months ago and during that time, we have endured a crazy journey of a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 years and we have always said that if we could make it through that, we could make it through anything.  We have been faced with several things in our almost 10 years of being together that could put us through the ultimate test but I feel like almost 3 and a half years ago when we started this whole baby making journey, we were faced with the biggest test and probably most challenging test we will ever face as a married couple.  We have faced this ultimate challenge of infertility with many emotions and it is thankfully by God's grace that this journey has not the first time caused any type of conflict in our marriage.  On the way to the ultrasound this morning, I couldn't help but to tear up several times just thinking about our whole journey and realizing how strong of a marriage we have and how strong I feel like we have been to pull through everything.  I also have been reflecting back on how far I have came just since April and that in itself makes me tear up.  After our failed procedure in January, I was almost at rock bottom.  I was more than happy to have the break that we were forced into and thought it was the best thing for us.  Unfortunately, during that time, I realized I really did not care much to start back with procedures.  I thank God, my sister, and Jack for their change of heart for allowing me to be in the delivery room when my sweet little Kellen was born.  I know I have told the story before but for those of you who don't remember, it was not the plan all along for me to be in the delivery room when Kellen was born.  The plan was for them to come out and get me when Kellen was born and let me have my time with her then.  Well, once Amber hit about 7cm, she told me she wanted me to stay in the room.  I look back now and truly think God had his hand in it all.  I was so much at rock bottom and not really wanting to start procedures back but really couldn't tell Trent no because I know how much it hurts him to hear me say I am done.  I now think God had a part in them allowing me to be in the room because the very next day after watching such a miracle being born into this world, I knew there was NO WAY IN THIS WORLD I could deny Trent of that.  That is the one thing he wants to experience more than anything.  Lol, Trent just asked what I was jawing about and told me to get to the point.  He says everyone probably doesn't want to hear about all of this.  So, I am so sorry to be rambling.  I have been told people like to hear the ups and downs so I just got to rambling and couldn't stop myself.  If I sometimes ramble too much, I am sorry.  Anyways, I will get to today very shortly.  I really don't know what got me rambling because to be quiet honest, I really did not feel like blogging and I had planned on this being a very short blog.  Anyways, in all of the previous being said, I am so very very excited for IUI #6 tomorrow.  We can't believe it is time to actually go in for the IUI.  It really doesn't seem like it is time already.  We have been 8 months without an IUI and again, the break was nice but we are more than ready to get back to our mission of having a sweet little baby.

Now, on to today.  Again, it went very well.  I did only have 1 follicle but, they like to see the follicles at 18mm and mine was 23.5mm.  The largest one I have ever had I think was 24.5mm so I am right on track and it is a nice big follicle which is great!  There was one HUGE shocker to me and Trent this time though.  I don't know why it matters and why we are making a big deal over it however, during all 5 previous IUI's the follicle was on the right side but this time, the follicle is on my left side.  We are hoping maybe the change will be a good thing.  Since the follicle was ready, I got the Ovidrel HSG shot and we return tomorrow for the IUI.  Of course, out of silliness, we say both of us are left handed so maybe my left side will be a good change and it will bring us our sweet little bundle of joy that is so far 3 years and 4 months in the making.  We will be going in tomorrow for the IUI with what we believe should be better numbers than we have ever had before.  Hopefully with a couple of things combined, IUI #6 will be just what it takes to make my wonderful hubby a daddy and me a mommy which we have desired for so very long.  According to my calculations, I still say we will be testing on September 28th and obviously will find out for sure tomorrow what day we will test. 

I also wanted to mention again just how much we love and appreciate all of our supporters.  Yesterday I went to the mailbox to find the sweetest card that someone sent to us.  It was from a Jessica.  I know a couple Jessica's but I felt like I knew right away which one sent the card.  The crazy thing is, I really have not talked to her since high school until just recently and she has been VERY supportive and encouraging over our journey.  I wondered how in the world she could have possibly gotten my address but I just knew the card had to have came from her.  I eventually got to talk to my sister to see if she knew exactly where this Jessica lived but she didn't.  After a little bit of questioning, my sister finally caught on and confirmed for me that it was in deed the Jessica that I thought it was.  My sister had given her my address.  Jessica, I know you are reading this blog!!!  Again, Thank You so very much for the card.  It really meant a ton to us that someone that we really haven't talked to would go out of their way to be so sweet and send us such a meaningful card.  I have in the past received a couple of other things saying people was thinking of us throughout our journey and just have not went out of my way to post about it but THANK YOU so much to all of our loving supporters who have been there for us during this tough trial in our lives.  It always brightens our days to get something so unexpected when we are going through this crazy journey that we are on. 

Sorry this turned into such a long blog as I didn't intend on it to but I guess it was just on my heart to share or else it wouldn't have turned into something so big.  I pray that God will just continue to see the desires of our hearts through tomorrows IUI and hopefully blesses us with that special little child that is already loved so very much. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

IUI #6 = BRING IT ON!

Holy Cow!!! I can't believe it, it is FINALLY that time again.

Pre Natal Vitamin and 2 Femara Pills



We are so excited for me to finally be taking those 2 little Femara pills again.  I also won't lie.  I haven't taken my Pre Natal vitamins since our last failed IUI and really didn't take them like I was supposed to back then.  Well actually back then the prenatal vitamins made me sick so I actually was taking 2 Flinstone vitamins but have decided to try the actual prenatal vitamins again.  I have gotten in trouble in the past by both the fertility doctor and my regular gyno for not taking it but they both definitely understood that I got discouraged and wasn't taking them like I should because of that.  They did say that I should at least be taking a good 1 a day woman's vitamin which I still went against there will and did not do.  Well, today officially started me trying to be a good girl and take them like I am supposed to.  Today was also day 1 on Femara.  I will take it through Sunday and then ...........................THURSDAY, WE WILL HAVE OUR FOLLICULAR ULTRASOUND.  Oh my goodness, I can't believe we are really starting back.  As long as the ultrasound shows a good egg on Thursday, Friday we will have IUI #6.
 
We are so very excited and are actually more excited this time than the very first IUI we ever had.  Me and Trent was actually just talking about how we are only a week away from ultrasound and I actually teared up because I was so excited to be starting back.  I still say the break was the best thing we needed BUT, we are more than ready to get everything started back again.  In the back of my mind, I still know that it is a possibility that we still may NEVER end up pregnant however, we both say what could really be stopping us now?  We obviously now know what we didn't know before and I was actually also dealing with infertility myself which is what was stopping us before but exactly what could really stop us now?  There is absolutely no reason I see that we shouldn't end up pregnant now.  I still know that it may not happen the first time starting back however, I am hopeful and confident that it should happen now.  As Dr. Hill said, my ovaries, my fallopian tubes, and my pelvic region looks good and now since my surgeries, I am cleaner than I will EVER be inside therefore, our chances are better now than ever.  Also, we have 5 vials left and in 4 of those vials, we have better numbers than we have EVER had before.  We are also hoping that since we have had an 8 month break from fertility drugs, maybe I will respond like I did the first month on fertility meds.  The first month on fertility meds, we had 3 good eggs for IUI #1 however, IUI 2-5, there was only 1 egg.  All I know is I sure can't wait until Thursday and Friday of next week. 
 
Halloween is Trent's favorite so we are praying we will be growing a little spook by the time October gets here.  Based on my calculations, we will be testing on the 28th of this month.
 
We are still waiting on God's plan for us to fall right in place.  God has already blessed us so much more than we ever deserved but we want nothing more than to have a little bundle of joy or 2.  Even though its still so very difficult to understand why us, we know God has placed us down this journey for a reason and we have to embrace it and grow from it.  Even though we have struggled embracing it at times, I still feel like we have done a good job with what we have been dealt with.  It's not an easy journey to be thrown into however, God has watched us through the whole thing and we know God will not give us more than we can handle.  Yes, we feel like God thinks we are much stronger at times than we think we are however, we know that God is in control and will take care of us.  There is a saying that I heard the other day that I have mixed feelings on however, for the most part I really like it.  I have also heard others with mixed thoughts on it but anyways, here it is.  "God won't protect you through what he can perfect you through"  Yes, I understand no one is perfect and I also know that God protects us through everything and that is the issue that I have with this statement however, I also know that when God knows he has bigger and better plans for you, he uses difficult situations to mold you into what he wants you to be.  God is just working on me and Trent and molding us through this journey.
 
Thank You so much to all of you loving supporters of ours out there who have been so encouraging to us knowing that we are getting ready to start back and Thank You for all the prayers we have already been receiving over the upcoming IUI.  I will update everyone again after next week.