2 Analogies

The first analogy I came up with and I meant to post in my earlier blog but I forgot.  I know this is silly but I meant to post it.  Quiting elevators is like quiting cokes.  Yep sounds crazy I know.  When I stopped drinking cokes, I would pull up to drive through or at a restaurant and tell them out of habit that I wanted a Diet Coke then quickly had to change it to water.  Well, at work, I have quit elevators.  When I quit the elevators a week ago, I would walk up to the elevator out of habit and press the button once I realized what I done, I turned around and took the stairs.  I can now say, I think I have gotten used to the stairs and don't press the elevator button anymore.  Going the stairs makes a big difference because I have to go up 6 flights of stairs to get to my floor where I work.

The second analogy, my mom just told me and it relates to me and the infertility journey.  She said "It's like a fresh scab that can't heal.  Each time it starts to heal, it just keeps getting picked at more and more"  I think this analogy is wonderful and describes me to the tee.  I am the scab and every time I begin to heal and every time I start doing so well, I find out something else that sets me back.  I feel like this scab will never heal.  I pray that God allows us to one day SOON become parents so this scab can fully heal and leave NO SCARS.  I would like to say that a child would make us forget everything we have been through however as much as we absolutely HATE the journey we have been through, I never want to forget everything we have went through to accomplish our dreams.  Our journey has made us the bigger better people we are today and if we never forget what we have been through, we will only appreciate, love and adore our child just that much more.

Ok, I am done, I won't continue to bore everyone for the day.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly!

Well as my title says, this blog will be about the good, the bad and the ugly.  I have been wanting to post for a couple days now however, as of today, I just need to vent so my blog will be a great place to vent and let it all out.  That being said, please excuse me in advance when I get to the bad part if I start rambling.  Actually, please feel free to excuse yourself from my page if you don't want to read it.  I totally understand as I am just an emotional ball of mess right now.

Anyways, The good.  Lets just say the GREAT!!!  A week ago today, I started a diet.  I have NEVER been the type of person to have to worry about what I eat, what I weigh or anything like that.  Of course, that was when I was active playing ball and not a worry in the world.  I am very ashamed to say that just since me and Trent met, I have put on a whopping 68 pounds.  WOW!!!  I can't believe I just said that.  That is absolutely ridiculous.  Now, I am totally ashamed and can't believe I am actually fixing to announce my weight to the world but when I started my diet, I weighed in at 193 pounds.  As I said, today makes a week that I have been on my diet and as of today, I am down 3.6 pounds weighing in at 189.4.  I am so very proud of myself.  When I first started it, I was unsure of how well I would be sticking to the diet but knew that I was truly bound and determined to loose some of the weight I had gained and even more determined to loose some before our upcoming cruise.  I have worked out everyday but 2 and I am trying to stick as close to a 1200 calorie diet as possible.  I know that since I am working out, I can take in more than 1200 but I just try to limit myself by saying 1200.  Also, I have read in many places that it's not healthy to loose more than 2 pounds a week and I am not trying to loose more than 2 a week but it just happened so I am not complaining.  Anyways, I just had to share the good news as I am so excited and happy for myself.

The bad.  (this is the place where if you don't want to hear me whine and complain, you don't have to read any further)  Today, I am really struggling with the INFERTILITY MONSTER.  BAD!!!  It is so very difficult right now on so many levels.  Everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn/infant/child/combination of all the above.  This I think is quiet obvious why it is so difficult.  This is something that we have tried for for almost 3 years now.  It is so hard to say that we have been trying to accomplish our dreams for 3 years now with nothing but failure.  I HATE using the word failure however when it comes to fertility, that is the only word I can think of.  I think failure is the only word that can explain fertility to me right now.  Another reason it is so difficult right now is because every single time I start thinking I am doing so good, something else happens to flip my world upside down.  It was just Saturday that me and my mom were talking and we were talking about how great I had been doing with it all especially during this break we are taking and now here we are today and something happens that totally shifts everything for me.  Another reason it is so very difficult is because we don't know not even 1 person personally that could ever understand what we are going through.  I feel like at times, I could be judged for my feelings or actions just because some will never understand what we go through and struggle with on a daily basis with infertility.  Another reason I struggle with it so bad is because I feel like we are going to have yet another Christmas childless.  No one understands the difficulty it was for me to be around children at Christmas time.  No one will understand this year when I don't want to be at my grandparents house for Christmas just because I will have even more babies/children around me than before.  I dearly love being at my grandparents for Christmas as this has been a tradition since before I was born however, this year, I am going to struggle very bad.  I know we are still talking 9 months away however, I already dread it.  Another reason it is so difficult for me, me and Trent have ALWAYS been on the same level and in agreeance on the whole infertility issue however, now I am ready to just move on and quit IUI's but he isn't.  He does agree to adoption and wants to but he wants to continue with IUI's first to where I just want to go straight to adoption now.  I just beg God, PLEASE give us answers.  Please help us to understand.  I hate this slump I have fell into today as I have now resorted back to asking why?  Why us?  What have we done so wrong?  Why do we not deserve children?  WHY?  WHY? WHY?  God please help us to understand.
I honest to God just wish this was all over by now.  I honest to God wish God would just take the desire to be a parent away from me.  If I didn't desire it, I wouldn't have to hurt so bad.
I feel so guilty complaining about everyone being pregnant because as everyone knows, I am absolutely ecstatic about my sister being due in April.  I can not wait to meet my baby niece Kellen next month.  It is also difficult for me to say but I honest to God don't know how I am so happy about her pregnancy as I take everyone elses so hard.  Hers just seems so different for some reason.  I actually do find it humerus because she has always said she lives vicariously through me with my vacations.  Maybe hers is so different because I am now living vicariously through her with her pregnancy.  All I can say is baby Kellen will be spoiled stinky by her Auntie Nay Nay and Uncle PoPo.  I said the other day that if Kellen was not here by April 20th (her due date is April 22nd and we are going on a cruise not long after) Anyways, if she isn't here by April 20th, I am sitting on Ambers stomach and pushing Kellen out.  Trent informed me that if I hurt Kellen, he was going to hurt me.  Yep, I sense a protective Uncle PoPo already. lol   

The ugly.  Well, that is me right now!  I am the ugly.  After typing this blog and crying, I feel horribly ugly.  I really just needed to let it all out.  I do apologize to those who sincerely took the time to read my blog even the bad part.  I meant no offense to anyone in this blog, I just need to let some feelings flow.  Trent is my rock and my hero and I am so blessed with an amazing man to listen to me and let me cry on his shoulder.  Again though, I hate crying to him about all this as I know it is difficult on him too and I hate bringing out the negativity and sadness in him.

Right now more than ever, WE CAN NOT WAIT until our vacation.  Cruise time CAN NOT get here quick enough.  This trip is so much needed and well deserved for the two of us.  Anyways, I guess now, I will get off of here and take my frustrations out on working out.

Life Update - It's been a while.

Wow, it has been a long time since I have truly updated everyone on us.  I will try to make it as short and sweet as possible.  We have been doing good.  We have been extremely busy.  We had hoped that during our break with IUI's we wouldn't have to worry about a thing in the world.  WRONG!!!  Without going into the whole long story, I will just say that we have had nothing but drama out of dentist.  I think we have finally found a dentist that knows what they are doing.  We hope atleast.  The first dentist caused a root canal on Trent, the second dentist said Trent had 8 cavities and finally he went to a third dentist that seems to know what they are doing so hopefully, all the dental drama is done.  We have had a couple other things also.  It just seems like everything hits at one time always.  My little Heart and Sew Creations business has really been booming and I have honestly been staying pretty busy with all of that stuff on top of my full time job.  Each day when I come home, I am sewing something.  Its busy and I like it.  Its exactly what I had hoped for and it is defiantly helping bring in a little money. 

Yesterday, I had a yearly follow up with my woman doctor and they had some encouraging words even though, I feel like I have almost gave up on the IUI's.  Of course, we are still going to continue them when the time comes that we can start back but obviously they are discouraging me.  First of all, I felt absolutely ridiculous because I am used to Trent being with me to all of those kinds of appointments these days and obviously he wasn't there because it was just a yearly check up.  We know the nurse that works in the office and she asked where we were in the whole process and for some crazy reason, I teared up.  It was crazy because I haven't cried over infertility in a really long time.  The ridiculous part was because I felt like I was crying just because Trent wasn't there with me.  The nurse comforted me and told me she totally understood.  I explained to her where we were and also told her we are closer to adoption than ever.  We haven't started adoption papers or anything so we can't just go broadcasting to pregnant women however, if one approached us, we could take it.  The nurse said, you never know, it could happen.  I had told her to keep us in mind and she said we were definitely top on her list.  I had explained to her as I explain to everyone that I would like to pursue both and whichever one happened first was obviously what God's will was for us and it was just meant to be.  I also told her, It is all God's timing and we were just waiting for his time.  She had reassured me that I had the best thinking possible.  Without our faith in God, we would never have a child.  When the doctor came in, he also asked our progress and I had also explained to him and told him adoption was definitely an option.  He was honestly encouraging because he knew we have had 5 failed IUI's however, he also reassured me that with Nashville Fertility Center, we were at the best place we could be not to give up and keep trying.  This made me feel good however, I obviously still have my doubts if it is meant to be in that way.  He also really comforted my fears about infertility drugs causing cervical cancers.  He said that had been a concern however, it has not been proven a fact that the infertility drugs do in deed cause cancer.  He also said the women who get cancer with infertility drugs, its usually related to not ovulating however, since I ovulate, it reduces my risk even more.  Anyways that's enough with the whole infertility deal since we are taking a break from it, I don't even like to talk about it.  We are on a break so we shouldn't worry about it at all right?

Anyways, I have been searching for FOREVER for a police picture for Trent and I have NEVER had any luck finding one.  You would think googling police pictures, cop pictures, policeman pictures, etc would find something but no.  Never any luck.  Trent has also always wanted a police picture which fueled my fire to find one a little bit more.  Well, a friend on facebook posted a cop picture and Trent had responded "where did you find this. I freaking want it."  When I saw that comment, I was bound and determined to find it somewhere somehow.  The person who posted it, did not have the picture just saw it on someone else profile and re posted it.  Well, at the top of the picture, it said The difference between us and them so I googled that saying.  Still nothing.  Well, I then googled The difference between us and them police picture and TADA!!!!  It popped right up.  I was the happiest girl in the whole world.  Well they had a small picture like a 9x13 that wasn't framed or anything then the next size up was framed and was 18x26.  Needless to say, since it was so big, it was pretty pricey.  When I got ready to check out, I saw a spot for a promo code.  I then called the company and asked them if they would give me the promo code and they did therefore, it saved me $40.  $40 is ALOT compared to what I gave for it.  It definitely helped with the price and I was very appreciative for them giving it to me.  Also, you remember our hero hallway post?  I had mentioned I wanted to get my curio cabinet from my parents and put it in the hallway and put cop stuff in it.  Well, we got my curio cabinet and it is all fixed up in the hallway.  See the pictures below for our new and improved hallway and also to see picture of the police picture I bought my Trentie.

I hope everyone else is doing well.  The biggest thing we look forward to is our upcoming vacation.  We can't wait to get away.  We are really excited also because Trent's parents are going with us.  Hopefully we can get them addicted to cruising like us.  lol. 

Anyways, enjoy the pictures posted below. 



Curio Cabinet with PoPo stuff in it.  It also has something
Fireman in it for Uncle Kenny and then it has something
Army in there for Uncle Ernie.

Picture of our wall where we hung the new picture I got Trent.  The middle
picture is his new picture I got him.  The picture on the left, I actually
crosstitched for him, the one on the right, I bought him when he first
became a cop and then the one on the very top is the Policeman Prayer
with his picture.  The other ones are some of his certificates.

The new picture I got him.  I absolutely LOVE it.  I love the policeman with wings
that looks like the American flag also, the flag with the eagle at the top right corner.
I also love that the cop has his arm around a little kid.  I love that because Trent loves
kids and when he deals with kids at work, when he tells me the stories at home, his
eyes just light up.