Well as my title says, this blog will be about the good, the bad and the ugly. I have been wanting to post for a couple days now however, as of today, I just need to vent so my blog will be a great place to vent and let it all out. That being said, please excuse me in advance when I get to the bad part if I start rambling. Actually, please feel free to excuse yourself from my page if you don't want to read it. I totally understand as I am just an emotional ball of mess right now.
Anyways, The good. Lets just say the GREAT!!! A week ago today, I started a diet. I have NEVER been the type of person to have to worry about what I eat, what I weigh or anything like that. Of course, that was when I was active playing ball and not a worry in the world. I am very ashamed to say that just since me and Trent met, I have put on a whopping 68 pounds. WOW!!! I can't believe I just said that. That is absolutely ridiculous. Now, I am totally ashamed and can't believe I am actually fixing to announce my weight to the world but when I started my diet, I weighed in at 193 pounds. As I said, today makes a week that I have been on my diet and as of today, I am down 3.6 pounds weighing in at 189.4. I am so very proud of myself. When I first started it, I was unsure of how well I would be sticking to the diet but knew that I was truly bound and determined to loose some of the weight I had gained and even more determined to loose some before our upcoming cruise. I have worked out everyday but 2 and I am trying to stick as close to a 1200 calorie diet as possible. I know that since I am working out, I can take in more than 1200 but I just try to limit myself by saying 1200. Also, I have read in many places that it's not healthy to loose more than 2 pounds a week and I am not trying to loose more than 2 a week but it just happened so I am not complaining. Anyways, I just had to share the good news as I am so excited and happy for myself.
The bad. (this is the place where if you don't want to hear me whine and complain, you don't have to read any further) Today, I am really struggling with the INFERTILITY MONSTER. BAD!!! It is so very difficult right now on so many levels. Everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn/infant/child/combination of all the above. This I think is quiet obvious why it is so difficult. This is something that we have tried for for almost 3 years now. It is so hard to say that we have been trying to accomplish our dreams for 3 years now with nothing but failure. I HATE using the word failure however when it comes to fertility, that is the only word I can think of. I think failure is the only word that can explain fertility to me right now. Another reason it is so difficult right now is because every single time I start thinking I am doing so good, something else happens to flip my world upside down. It was just Saturday that me and my mom were talking and we were talking about how great I had been doing with it all especially during this break we are taking and now here we are today and something happens that totally shifts everything for me. Another reason it is so very difficult is because we don't know not even 1 person personally that could ever understand what we are going through. I feel like at times, I could be judged for my feelings or actions just because some will never understand what we go through and struggle with on a daily basis with infertility. Another reason I struggle with it so bad is because I feel like we are going to have yet another Christmas childless. No one understands the difficulty it was for me to be around children at Christmas time. No one will understand this year when I don't want to be at my grandparents house for Christmas just because I will have even more babies/children around me than before. I dearly love being at my grandparents for Christmas as this has been a tradition since before I was born however, this year, I am going to struggle very bad. I know we are still talking 9 months away however, I already dread it. Another reason it is so difficult for me, me and Trent have ALWAYS been on the same level and in agreeance on the whole infertility issue however, now I am ready to just move on and quit IUI's but he isn't. He does agree to adoption and wants to but he wants to continue with IUI's first to where I just want to go straight to adoption now. I just beg God, PLEASE give us answers. Please help us to understand. I hate this slump I have fell into today as I have now resorted back to asking why? Why us? What have we done so wrong? Why do we not deserve children? WHY? WHY? WHY? God please help us to understand.
I honest to God just wish this was all over by now. I honest to God wish God would just take the desire to be a parent away from me. If I didn't desire it, I wouldn't have to hurt so bad.
I feel so guilty complaining about everyone being pregnant because as everyone knows, I am absolutely ecstatic about my sister being due in April. I can not wait to meet my baby niece Kellen next month. It is also difficult for me to say but I honest to God don't know how I am so happy about her pregnancy as I take everyone elses so hard. Hers just seems so different for some reason. I actually do find it humerus because she has always said she lives vicariously through me with my vacations. Maybe hers is so different because I am now living vicariously through her with her pregnancy. All I can say is baby Kellen will be spoiled stinky by her Auntie Nay Nay and Uncle PoPo. I said the other day that if Kellen was not here by April 20th (her due date is April 22nd and we are going on a cruise not long after) Anyways, if she isn't here by April 20th, I am sitting on Ambers stomach and pushing Kellen out. Trent informed me that if I hurt Kellen, he was going to hurt me. Yep, I sense a protective Uncle PoPo already. lol
The ugly. Well, that is me right now! I am the ugly. After typing this blog and crying, I feel horribly ugly. I really just needed to let it all out. I do apologize to those who sincerely took the time to read my blog even the bad part. I meant no offense to anyone in this blog, I just need to let some feelings flow. Trent is my rock and my hero and I am so blessed with an amazing man to listen to me and let me cry on his shoulder. Again though, I hate crying to him about all this as I know it is difficult on him too and I hate bringing out the negativity and sadness in him.
Right now more than ever, WE CAN NOT WAIT until our vacation. Cruise time CAN NOT get here quick enough. This trip is so much needed and well deserved for the two of us. Anyways, I guess now, I will get off of here and take my frustrations out on working out.
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