To The Child We Will Never Know

I know everyone has heard me talk about the bedtime story that we wrote to tell our child their story.  Our child was always going to know how very special he/she was in every single way.  He/she was going to know how it came about and just how loved he/she really was.

I was going to post the story once before but we really wanted to keep it to ourselves as it was our story to tell our child if we ever conceived.  We wanted to be the only ones to tell him/her their story.  Now that we will never conceive in such a special way, the story will never be told so I figured I would share it for all to hear.  This story was so very special to us as we just knew one day we would be reading this to our child with so much love and appreciation.

The story is edited in a couple of spots for privacy.

To the child with "mommy's nose and daddy's eyes" that we will never know. 

Once upon a time back in 2003, your mommy and daddy met in college at Motlow. We dated, fell in love and got married five and a half years later.

After we got married, a year later we wanted to have a baby and make a family. To do that, mommy needs eggs and daddy needs seeds.

We wanted a baby so badly and we tried so hard but our dream never came true, so we went to the doctor and found out that daddy’s seeds were not meeting mommy‘s eggs like they needed to.

(Donor) wanted to help mommy and daddy so he went to the doctor and gave the doctor some seeds for mommy and daddy to use. The doctor took (Donors) seeds and helped daddy put them in mommy by a procedure called artificial insemination to help create you.

We knew from the very beginning of this whole process that we were in love with a child that we had never met. That child, later became you.

After many prayers and by God’s grace, after (#) tries, mommy and daddy were so happy and blessed to finally be pregnant with their little miracle baby named (Babies name)

For 9 months, you grew in mommy’s tummy and during that time mommy and daddy’s anticipation and love for you just kept growing stronger and stronger.

Mommy and daddy can’t wait to watch you grow into such a strong (beautiful/handsome) little (boy/girl). You will be loved so much more because of the genuine love it required to bring you into this world.

Mommy and Daddy love you so very much.

After many prayers and 9 IUI's later, we are still left without you.  You are the sweet little bundle of joy that we had always hoped and prayed for.  We realize that maybe God has bigger and better plans for us but we will always grieve not having you and not being able to read you your very special bedtime story. 

After IUI #1

After IUI #2

After IUI #3

After IUI #4

After IUI #5.  Daddy had to work and couldn't make it but wanted you
so badly, he didn't want to cancel the cycle so Granny Vaughn came
along for support.

After IUI #6

After IUI #7

After IUI #8

After IUI #9

Mommy and daddy done everything within their power to make you possible.  I am comforted in knowing that God knew you were just too special to be in this world. 

After our last IUI failed, someone said it best to us.  They said "sorry for your loss".  That person will never know just how much those words meant to us.  Many don't see it as a loss because we were never pregnant however, we have experienced a loss month after month for 3 and a half years now.  When this last IUI failed, I feel like we experienced the greatest loss of all because at that point, we realized we have totally lost that child that we had always dreamed of conceiving.

I know this may sound like a horribly sad blog to post but everyone has heard me talk about grieving the story that would never be told and this is it.  I think this is part of my moving on process and being able to accept it.

I know God has a very special plan for us somewhere, somehow.  We just don't know when and how.  In the end, it will all work out and we will write a new story to tell our very special adopted child God willing.

Life

I guess life is treating us pretty good.  Monday is the first day that I can think of that I have cried since the initial crying spell after finding out that we weren't pregnant.  I didn't just totally boo hoo but I did shed a couple tears.  I think I am past the just downright sobbing mess stuff.  At least it seems like it and I sure hope so.  Sunday and Monday I really had adoption on my mind alot and it is just so darn scary.  We want a child so badly.  I was told over the weekend that someone knew someone who was going to have a little girl and it would most likely be put up for adoption but it would be addicted to drugs when it was born.  She also proceeded to say something along the lines of she meant it before when she said she felt like we were meant to save a child from a bad situation and give it a better life.  I have been told numerous times in my life that I would be good with special needs children and since meeting and marrying Trent, I have heard that we as a married couple would be great with children with disabilities.  People say they can just see in our marriage how wonderful we would be with children like that and that they know that we could truly handle that situation.  While it is humbling and a true honor to have people to tell us how wonderful we would be with disabled children, it is also the scariest thing ever to think about.  I know just because the child is born addicted to drugs doesn't mean it would have disabilities but that would always be a possibility.  I am not in any way at all saying we couldn't love this child as if nothing at all was wrong with it but on the same hand, it is scary knowing that a child is definitely going to be born addicted with possible lifelong problems because of that.  I know it is really odd for me to say all of that because if we had gotten pregnant with a child and it had disabilities, it wouldn't make any difference in the world.  For example.  If you do IVF, there is a test they can do on the embryo before placing it in the uterus that can tell if it would have certain disabilities.  I remember very vividly a conversation between me and my sister and me telling her I wouldn't care if it had something wrong, I would have them to place it anyways.  This is for several reasons, if we got pregnant on our own, we wouldn't have known if it had disabilities or not so why would it matter through IVF (if we had done that)?  and for 2, it would have been a blessing from God irregardless.  Why is it so difficult to see an adopted child in that way right now?  I fully believe we could take a child with disabilities and would love it and care for it like no other but for some reason, right now, I can not get the scariness of adoption out of my head and that was really taking a toll on me on Sunday night and Monday.  Every since then, I have been better about it but on the same hand, it does scare me if we were to get approached about this situation.  Are we ready to take this child that will have possible lifelong side effects from birth?  How many more doors can God open for us before we are ready?  Can we take this possible challenge?  Are we ready to close yet another door that God has opened for us?  We have done it once before.  How many times will we close doors before God closes the door on us?  So many questions and so many thoughts overwhelm my mind when I think of adoption.  I am so ready to have a child and would do anything in this world to have one right this instant but when you can't have one naturally and when you have been through all we have been through, you can't help but to have reservations and fears.  When the facts come right down to it, adoption is terrifying because you just don't ever know what you will get whether a child will have disabilities or not so knowing of possible disabilities just make it even harder.  What also doesn't make it any easier is Trent's job.  He sees so much of the drugs, side effects and such that it really scares him more than anything.  The biggest deal breaker with the previous adoption that fell into our laps was that we were told the mom had been hanging out with people that do meth.  We were never told her herself had done anything but she had hung out with people that done it.  Trent just couldn't get past that.  I try to feel comfort in knowing that if we are approached about this possible adoption that if it is God's plan for our lives that he will just open all doors for us and make it happen.  If it is meant to be, God will make it be.  The devil will not stand in our way of having a child any longer.  The devil will be defeated in this battle and we will overcome this battle.

On top of all of the previous, I have let anger and frustrations creep back in to me.  I have had to constantly tell myself, it's not my life.  I have to take care of me and not worry about others.  I am still doing better on this than I was just a couple of weeks ago but it's still occasionally there.  My I guess you could call it downfall and what makes it so hard for me and what alot of people don't understand is I AM AN INFERTILE.  Because of infertility and all of our infertility treatments, I do know more about the reproductive system and how it works then most fertile people or just people in general.  Trust me!  If you don't believe me, just ask my mom how much I have taught her.  I guess this is why I sometimes don't get the "wool pulled over my eyes" and why I seem to understand things more than others.  I say this about multiple situations right now.  I am not just referring to what some want to think I am.  There is a Christian song that I love and I apply it to myself but on the same hand, I can't help but to think about general population also when I hear it.  The song is It's Your Life by Francesca Battistelli. Just a few short lines in it that really stick out to me is:

This is the moment
It's on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

It's your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for

The last 4 lines that I posted here really stick out to me.  As Christians, we really have to watch our actions because what we do is a reflection to the world.  People sees things.  People hear things.  People talk.  That is human nature but we can also protect who we are and our reputation by being the best person you can be.  Sometimes we as humans make reputations for ourselves which we may not like but we have to realize we do it to ourselves.  I feel like I have the reputation as the bad person with the big mouth and guess what I have done that to myself.  I tell it like I see it.  I don't sugarcoat things.  I have done it to myself though and I must suffer the consequences for it.

In saying that I still do struggle with the infertility monster (at this point I would say more of a no child monster), I will ask out of all sincerity that people PLEASE do NOT send me/us baby shower invitations, children's birthday party invitations, etc.  Please use respect and common courtesy to our situation until we further approve that we are ready to accept those things.  This is something that I know many do not understand and that is fine.  I do not expect you to understand it but I do hope that our wishes will be respected.  I do know some understand and respect our wishes as they have personally talked to us about things such as this and disabling facebook profiles and I thank you for taking the time to understand us and our situation. 

I swear if it isn't one thing with me and Trentie, it is another.  My debit card got frauded a year or two ago and then again in December.  Trent's card got frauded about 2 weeks ago.  I swear, I think someone is out for us.  It is scary how often our account seems to be frauded.  I just don't understand how people can be so dang evil.  On another note, I have been wondering for several weeks now if Trent wasn't getting kidney stones again.  About 3 weeks ago, he said his urine was dark and then he had 2 sharp pains in his right side.  They were just quick pains and went away so he didn't think a whole lot of them.  The other night, he was hurting again in his right side and this time, it was bad enough for him to lay on a heating pad.  We know he has 2 stones in his right side since he wasn't able to do lithotripsy on them during his last procedure so we just have to sit around and wait on them to pass.  He hasn't hurt to my knowledge since Sunday night but I assume it is only a matter of time until those stones try to pass.  As for me, on Tuesday, my throat didn't hurt but it felt funny that morning when I got up then around 11am, I started getting dizzy.  I hadn't ate anything that morning so I thought I just needed to eat and I would feel better.  I was wrong, the dizziness didn't go away and I started coughing.  Dizziness continued all night and even Wednesday and I could tell I was getting congestion in my chest.  All of this hit me very sudden and quickly.  I couldn't feel drainage but it had obviously moved to my chest quick and my nose was raw and bloody when I would blow it or wipe it.  I left work early that day and went to the doctor only to find out the obvious.  I had infection in my head which had moved to my inner ear which was causing the dizziness and the infection had also moved to my chest.  He said my nose definitely looked rough and he could tell my sinus were all messed up.  He prescribed me 5 medicines.  Well, really 6 including cough medicine but I haven't really wanted to take it during the day because it makes me sleepy.   He said it would take at least a day to kick in but if I wasn't any better at all by Friday to go back. As of today, I am feeling some better.  The coughing seems worse (hopefully because the medicine is breaking the junk up) but thank God, the worst of it was the dizziness and that seems to be better.  Luckily before my sickness kicked in too bad, Tuesday I was able to go get a massage that was MUCH needed because I had been putting it off due to our IUI's.  I had one scheduled a month or so ago and they had to cancel it because my massage person had the flu so I was just now able to get back in and boy oh boy was it nice.  I can't wait to go back already. 

Something else I in a sad way found comfort in is knowing that I have a husband that loves me and adores me just as much as I love and adore him.  As I am sure many have heard on the news on Valentines day, a girl in Murfreesboro was killed by her husband of only 3 months.  This really hit home to me and hit me hard.  Although I never really talked to this girl much, I did graduate high school with her.  She was such a beautiful young lady that always had the most beautiful smile on her face.  Unfortunately, she had a poor little 7 year old son.  My heart just breaks for that little boy as you could just tell in pictures that he was her life and she was his.  My heart breaks thinking about this poor child's future and hurts.  In the midst of all of this news, it just really made me realize, maybe I don't have a child but at least I have the happiness, faithfulness, and trust in my marriage that many others don't have.  They may have a marriage and they may have a child but it may not be the perfect picture it seems to be behind closed doors.  My heart just breaks for her family and friends and all the heartache they are experiencing.  Even though I really didn't talk to her much, I have just had a sick feeling in my stomach so much about it.   I just don't understand how life can be so horrible in 3 months of marriage.  This world we are living in is just a sick sick place and we need God more now than ever.  I Thank God for blessing me in so many ways that I see other people are not blessed.

I know it really seems like we have had alot going on but overall, I would say we have been good.  Trent said it perfect the other day when I started crying.  I was upset because I was crying about it when I had been doing so good and he reassured me that it would always be something that would occasionally creep into our thoughts.  I am honestly proud of us and how we are handling things.  At this point, we have done a great job just taking time to ourselves and enjoying one another.  We are trying to figure out what we are going to do for vacation this year and that is a totally different struggle in itself.  As much as we complain about not being able to afford a child, how can we go on vacation?  I will say it just like we said it last year.  We do not feel like we should be held back by something that we can't/don't have.  It's just not fair that we can't enjoy the things that we love together because of something we can't/don't have.  We enjoy our vacations and getting to experience those things together and we shouldn't be punished because we have to "buy a child" which we can't afford.  I still struggle with understanding why we have to "buy" our child when others don't.  It's so hard to understand why it comes so easy to some when we have what we feel like, it all together.  We have so much love and devotion we could give a child.  We have the perfect marriage.  We feel like we have it all EXCEPT a child.  We could give a child everything plus some so why don't we deserve it.  Why are marriages crumbling/struggling/unfaithful/untruthful etc and they can have a child but here we are with the absolute most picture perfect marriage I have EVER seen but we don't deserve life with a child.  I know we deserve a child and God will provide that when timing is right and it is just the devil making me think we don't deserve a child but it is just so hard to understand.

A little TMI here.  If you don't want to hear it, skip to the next paragraph.  One more random thing to throw out there and mention, I know this sounds ridiculous but I am sure an infertile out there somewhere agrees with me or has went through this at one point or another.  I honestly have no reason to keep up with my cycle days ever again however, I am obviously approaching ovulation time and it saddens me.  As I see my cervical mucous changing, I know that this would be the prime time to start the baby making process however, for us, that can't happen.  It never will happen.  That cervical mucous will not serve a purpose for us.  It honestly just kind put a frown on my face when I realized my body was preparing for what can't be.  I am sure some several months down the road, something as small as cervical mucous won't sadden me but for now, that is just another silly reminder of what can't happen for us.  It is really sad what us infertiles have to deal with and grieve about.  It is sad the small things that can really make us sad.  It is sad that no one other than infertiles will ever understand you and the sadness you go through.  Infertility is just a sad sad world to have to live in.

I have been wanting to write this blog but just haven't had the umph to make myself write it.  I have to remind myself that I am still out here to try to help other infertiles understand and cope with the world of infertility.  I am going to try my best to keep up the infertile thoughts and coping process now that it is all over but I can't say I will promise.  I don't know why I have had to force myself to do this.  I think because there are still some raw emotions there that I just don't know how to say and say in a way that doesn't come across wrong or hurtful.  This blog I feel like is about infertility but it is also about the thoughts of adoption and as I try to cope with all of that myself, I hope I am on the same page with other infertiles about these fears.  Adoption is not something I have every truly been forced to deal with so to this point, I don't know if other people adopting has had the same fears and thoughts so hopefully by me expressing my fears and thoughts, if others are feeling the same way, hopefully I can make them realize it is normal.  Who knows, I could be alone in this...?  Just as there is an infertility support group, there is an Adoption support group that I am sure at some point, me and Trent will also join.  I don't know how soon or anything but at some point I do think it will be beneficial to us.  I guess right now, since we are taking time to ourselves, I just don't feel the need to start it yet.  I am glad it is there though for when we are ready for it.  One day it will all come together and it will all make sense but until then, I will continue to do the best I can and stay as strong as I can for me and my wonderful hubby.  Our God is an awesome God and has an awesome plan in store in his timing and in his ways. 

Please just keep us in your prayers as God guides us down this unknown path in our future.  We do plan to continue taking time to ourselves and enjoying one another until we are ready to jump on the emotional roller coaster of pursuing adoption or until God drops another child into our laps one.  For now, our life is filled with happiness and laughter and I couldn't ask God to have given me a better, more perfect soul mate than what I have.  He makes everything so much better and so much easier to accept.  On the same hand, I love and appreciate our immediate families more than they will ever know for supporting us and just being an ear to listen when we need them.  Even though we don't like going to them too often (some more than others) because we know it is a difficult situation for all to talk about, they are always there when we need them.  Thank you ALL (friends and family) for your continued love and support for us!

Standing Up for What You Believe In & Updates

This weekend we was in Manchester and instead of coming home to go to our church, we went ahead and stayed there and took the chance to visit Trent's cousins church there.  I have heard him preach now twice and I really enjoy hearing him preach.  Today's sermon touched me on several different aspects.  It made me realize aspects that I really need to work on myself and it also was just kind of a reassurance to me of why I am how I am.  He said numerous times that "If you're going to stand for God, you're going to have to stand against sin."  I am not saying I am perfect by no means.  I know I have things in my own life that I need to work on.  Lets just face it, we are ALL sinners.  Things have happened in the past and as I am sure anyone who reads my blogs knows things have happened recently.  A comment was recently made to me about my Christianity and how christian like I really was.  First and foremost, I don't feel like my Christianity should be questioned because I am speaking up for something I believe in and something that I know God would not condone.  You should all know and see by now that I am a totally honest and blunt person.  That is my problem, I am a little too blunt and honest but I stick up for what I believe in.   I am not the type of person who is going to agree with someone just because of who they are. I also feel like when we want to call out someone else's christian like qualities, we need to dig deep and look on the inside of ourselves and see what we are also guilty of.  A sin is a sin but I can promise that saying what I said on my blog defending my beliefs is absolutely no worse than some things that I know some people are guilty of.  As for past things, recent things and anything that may happen in the future, my point in saying all of this is simply, when I feel so strongly about something, I am going to stand up for what I believe in.  If I am going to stand for God then I am NOT going to just agree with something that I know is wrong.  I know alot of people don't understand me or agree with me and who I am but that is fine.  I am just simply not a people pleaser and going to just agree with anything and everything.  I am not the type of person to agree with something just because of who someone is.  It doesn't matter to me if you are family, best friend, acquaintance, anything.  If you are wrong, then I am going to stand up for my beliefs.  I was speaking with Trent's cousin after church which doesn't know anything about any of the situations and he said the exact thing I have been saying.  It's ok to tell someone they are wrong but you love them anyways.  I feel like because I am that type of person, people think I am in the wrong all the time and they think bad of me.  After today, I realize more and more that maybe I stand for what I believe in in the wrong ways by being overly blunt.  The best thing I can do for those people are probably to just keep my mouth shut and pray for them because it normally is me who looks bad in the end for speaking my mind.  On the same hand, if I am questioned about my beliefs or my thoughts, expect me to be blunt and tell you how I truly feel. 

On a different note, me and Trent are doing well.  Honestly, Friday was rough for me.  I took crying spells all day that day.  Saturday and today has been much better.  I am not really sure that reality has really hit Trent yet.  He has been pretty strong every since we found out but he has always been the type of person to hide his feelings and emotions.  It is just easiest on him not to express it.  If he talks about it then he has to deal with it but if he keeps quiet, he can move on quicker.  He doesn't like dwelling upon the things that he has no control over.  Man oh man how I wish I was more like him in that aspect.  We have had brief conversations about it all but for the most part, we are not letting it be our main topics of conversation.  In my last blog, I had talked about adoption and how we would adopt.  As much as we want to adopt and do plan to adopt, reality does hit more and more on how we will ever pay for it.  I know it seems like I talk about that alot but when it comes right down to it, it is a true shame that finances could potentially hold us back from having a child.  Why does someone like us have to suffer and go childless the rest of our lives because we don't have the money to make a child happen when prior to infertility, we would have been fine.  We look back now and say if we had only known, we could have just adopted from the get go and wouldn't be $17,500 poorer now than what we were just 2 and a half years ago.  If we had not spent all that money on infertility treatments, we could have adopted no problems, no questions asked.  Now we are left wondering how we will ever do it.  I still know that if this is God's plan for us, he will make it happen.  There is also something else that needs to be said, I know I have mentioned several times about the money aspect of it.  In no way are we trying to make people feel sorry for us.  It is just reality of infertility and going through treatments, etc.  Remember, I am still here to help out infertiles that may not be totally familiar with things and it is a part of infertility that does weigh heavily on an infertile couple.  I still say I do not regret trying what we did however, it is just so difficult to look back on the journey that we have been through and see what all we have endured but yet are still left childless.  Even though I know everything we have been through, it is hard to believe we have truly been through it all.  Through all of the fertility treatments and everything, we have been strung along for so long, it has been so hard to heal and deal with everything.  We are finally getting a chance to relax and it's honestly nice.  Trying to have a baby for an infertile is like a job.  It is work and it is a chore.  It really weighs heavily on so many aspects to your life.  Personal, emotional, social, financial, etc.  Going through all of that, you realize your relationship has the best base foundation as it is built around the love and devotion for one another.  A conversation me and my mom and sister was having was when we would have several months between IUI's, it was obvious I was a much happier person.  That is because we wasn't being strung along and we wasn't having to look at it like it was a chore to become pregnant.  That is why I feel like we are finally going to be able to cope and I will become a happier person.  Even though I will continue to grieve that child that we can't have, I will be able to be happy knowing it is all over and we will no longer be strung along.  Hopefully life can somewhat go back to normal now that we are done.  Even though we want a child so badly, we are just taking time to ourselves for now before we even try to actively pursue anything.  I think it will be nice for us to be able to just forget about it all for a while.  I don't know how I really got off on my tangent here but overall, I think we are handling things better than I ever expected we would.  Part of this may be because we visited family over the weekend and that was really a great help in taking our mind off of things.  Who knows, it may hit us hard later but for now, we are doing good.

Thank you all for your continued love and support for us.  Even though this journey is over, people have still been so loving and supportive and we appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Time to Close This Chapter

This morning I woke up to a huge shock.  We were not supposed to test until the 13th.  This morning when I got up, I used the bathroom and when I did, I looked down and saw that I was starting to spot.  I always spot before starting my period.  Without thinking or honestly even realizing I was doing it, I screamed out "NOOO".  Trent came running and asked what was wrong.  At that point, I already had my head in my hands crying.  Trent continued to ask what was wrong and I just felt speechless for a moment.  I told him I was starting and he stood there speechless.  I finished what I was doing and wiped the tears away from my eyes the best that I could.  We then stood outside of the bathroom just holding on to one another.  I couldn't help but to repeatedly apologize to him.  He kept telling me not to apologize.  We let one another go and he told me not to stress over it.  I told him I wasn't stressed.  There was nothing I could do about it so no need to stress.  He said that is exactly right, so quit apologizing.  That is the tough part about it.  He feels like it is his fault and I feel like it is my fault.  I feel like at this point, my body has failed us.  We should have ended up pregnant by now.  After 9 IUI's, it should have happened.  There is obviously something wrong with me preventing a pregnancy from happening.  Yes all my test come back fine but there is either something there or it just absolutely was not meant to be.  Each of us blame ourselves but not once have we ever blamed each other.  We have always been supportive of one another and are just thankful that we have one another to go through this with. 

Today is the day we finally get closure on the past year and a half of fertility treatments. After 3 and a half years of trying to achieve pregnancy, we can now grieve and try to cope with the fact that that was not God's plan for us.  I have been doing good the past couple days and I will not let infertility defeat me. I will still cry and I will still grieve but I will try my dangdest not to let it get the best of me. God has a plan for us and now is the time to end this heart wrenching emotional roller coaster, take time to ourselves, try to heal and move on the best that we can. There is a child out there somewhere just waiting to come home to us and call us mommy and daddy. Who knows when, who knows where, and who knows how other than the good Lord above. I know he sees our hearts desire and will provide when the time is right.  I am sure we have some tough days ahead but we will be ok and we will overcome this. It will just take time.

As this chapter in our journey closes, it is time to open a new chapter.  Adoption.  Surprisingly, right now, I am ready to start this chapter.  I am at a loss and have no clue where to start, what agencies are best to use, etc.  I just wish we new where to start as far as that goes.  We may take a little bit of time before starting all of the adoption process but I am ready.  I am ready for us to get that child that is meant for us.  In the meantime, I think word of mouth will help us more than anything.  God has placed a child into our laps once before and I know he can do it again.  Honestly, we pray God will just place another child into our laps.  I don't think it's often that someone will just hear of someone wanting to place their child for adoption but the more people that knows about us and our story, the more it can help us.  We are asking all of our friends and family to keep us in mind if you ever hear of the possibility of someone wanting to put a child up for adoption.  We would love nothing more than taking a child in and giving it a good home that it otherwise may not have had.

There has been several comments and quotes people have told me or posted to me or I have just seen the past two days that have really helped me and I will post those below.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!

I'm smiling not because I'm stronger than my problems.  I'm smiling because my God is stronger than my problems.

But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you.  Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble.  Isaiah 33:2

Jesus knows the burdens we carry and the tears we shed, but He is the healer of broken hearts, broken dreams, and broken lives. Trust him. He never fails.

 I'm truly sorry for your loss. - This meant so much to me.  Alot of people wouldn't see this as a loss however, whether we ever conceived or not, this is a loss for us.  It is the loss of a child that we had hoped for that we will never know.  It is a loss of a child that will never have mommy's and daddy's features.

No Christ.....No Peace...Know Christ...Know Peace

The broad path is heavily traveled, but if you travel the narrow path there may be times you won't see anyone but Jesus.  Matthew 7:13-14

Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I'm living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you will see how strong I really am.

Never takes someone's feeling for granted because you never know how much courage that they took to show it to you.

I have weathered many storms and suffered through unrelenting rain.  Sometimes losing myself but never have I suffered in vain.  My life an unfolding tapestry consisting of highs and lows.  I have never faced a dark moment alone not even in the presence of my foes.  I rely on that eternal spring that wells up in me that says that he is ever present and watching over me.

To those I have wronged, I ask forgiveness.  To those I may have helped, I wish I did more.  To those I neglected to help, I ask for understanding.  To those who helped me, I sincerely Thank You so much.

For those I have overkilled with quotes and such, I am sorry.  These quotes have really helped me today.  I love quotes anyways and love to share good ones because you never know who they can help.

We sincerely Thank each and everyone of you who have been there to support us not just today through our tough times but through this whole journey we have been placed down.  We can not say Thank You enough.  Even though this is a difficult time for us, our supporters truly have helped us.  I honestly don't know how I ever thought of anything to blog before infertility but I guess I did.  Hopefully now that this chapter is closing, I can continue blogging.  I am sure once new things start for us, it will give us more to blog about.  Until then, I will just try to keep everyone up to date on how we are and whats new with us. 

Infertility Support Group = Success

Yesterday, I took the day off at work and me and Trent had a wonderful day together. We got up and went to town and then we headed off to the golf course. It had been forever since I had played golf. It seems like it has been a year.  I played with him one day last week and I sucked it up big time. I never have been good but I always enjoy it. When we went yesterday, I played with him again and it seemed like it was slowly but surely coming back to me. I was having to get back in my routine and remember how I needed to line myself up and working on new things to help me some too. Having that time on the golf course was nice. To me, something about being on the golf course is just peaceful and relaxing. Whether I am playing or not, I just really love to be there enjoying the beautiful scenery God has placed before us. We have been planning on going to the Infertility Support Group together for a while now because we knew Trent was going to be off this month to go and the one and only time I had been was in November due to me being sick in December and Trent’s birthday in January. I had talked to Trent about the November meeting and how much I enjoyed it but I don’t think he quiet grasped what it was. When we were golfing, he said, “so what is this about tonight? Is it like an AA meeting type of thing or something to where we have to stand up and say who we are and everything?” I couldn’t help but to laugh. I could tell he was really unsure about the whole thing not knowing what to expect. I explained to him again how it all worked. Once we got there, I could tell he was really uncomfortably still due to the unexpected and not really knowing how everything would really be. I think it’s safe to say that he lightened up to it. He said he could definitely see how the meetings are beneficial to me and said that he would go back with me when he is off work to go.

During the Infertility Support Group we start out with catching up from what’s new with each other from the last meeting you attended and then we say a topic we want to discuss for the night. At the end of the meeting we always end on a positive note and say what we are thankful for and then something positive that we will work on over the next month until the next meeting. On the way to the meeting, me and Trent came up with 2 topics that we thought would help us to get other people’s opinions on and how they deal with it and handle the same situations. One being will it ever get easier? Will we ever be able to accept not having our own child? The second one being, how do you deal with society and things that you see of or hear of being done that hurts you? To my first topic, I got so much comfort in the answers I got. I realized that if we don’t conceive and we do adopt, even though we will love that child as if it were our own, it will never replace the child that we had hoped to conceive. I also learned that even through the adoption process, it will be ok to continue grieving our hoped for conceived child. Just because you continue grieving not conceiving, that doesn’t mean that you are not ready to move on. We will most likely always grieve that hoped for conceived child. The pain will never go away and it will always hurt but the sting will get less when we hear of others pregnancies. And last but not least, I realize it is not so much about the pregnancy even though we desire that so strongly. It is about the final goal and that is being parents to a little miracle. Yes adoption TERRIFIES us but that just may be the route God has in plan for us and if that is how our little miracle is meant to come to us then, we will embrace that and love appreciate that child more than words could ever express. Infertility I fully believe will give infertiles a love, appreciation and respect for a child that a fertile could never understand. I am not trying to underestimate fertiles but with everything infertiles have to suffer through, it gives us such a great appreciation for what others sometimes takes for granted. I haven’t given up all hopes of pregnancy yet but I do realize if it doesn’t happen, we are going to be ok. With everything we have already worked and fought through, we will continue to fight for the child that we know is meant to be ours. To the second topic that we had, I think this is just something that all infertiles struggle with. There is no clear cut answer on how to accept society for what it is. The biggest answer to it is just to realize that is them and their life and you have to be able to separate yourself from it and/or the situation. You have to stay focused on yourself and know in the end that you could look into your future and know that will not be you. There is actually a pediatrician in the group and he was saying that he had seen a baby born with cocaine in it’s system not long ago. As an infertile, that eats you alive but as he said, you have to be able to separate yourself from that situation and know that is them and not you. As that was said, Trent couldn’t help but to pipe in with his opinions and his say on that. I don’t often speak of the raw emotions of Trent but I am going to here. As this story was being told, I could really tell it was affecting Trent. I look over at him and his eyes are red and watered up. He then asked the guy how he can deal with that situation and not want to just strangle the mother. The thing that got Trent tore up the most was because that story took Trent back to a time in his career that is very sensitive to him. Trent then proceeded to tell everyone he is a cop and told his story. It was right after Trent got his infertility diagnosis. He got a call to respond to a wreck where a woman was driving in the wrong direction into on coming traffic and she wrecked and hit a guard rail. To make a long story short, when he arrived on the scene, the woman had a 6 month old baby in the back seat and she had been huffing keyboard duster. She even had the nerve to do it with the cops sitting there. She eventually done it enough to where she was basically unresponsive. The baby was in the back seat crying and he proceeded to get the child out and soothe it and feed it. He held that baby and took care of it until it’s grandmother got there to get it.   This story is such a sensitive one to Trent as he had just gotten his diagnosis knowing that we couldn’t conceive but here he stood taking care of a child that had such an irresponsible parent that didn’t deserve kids at all. Children are so innocent. They don’t ask to be brought into this world and they don’t deserve all the wrong doings of their parents and all the things they have to witness. This is something that is just so difficult for infertiles to understand and it makes it so much more difficult on Trent when he has to work these cases where he sees child abuse, neglect, etc. This wasn’t our topic but another person had the topic of insensitive comments. I don’t know why but I just kind of felt drawn to this couple. They are getting ready for their first IUI next week and it just takes me back to where we were when we first started. She wasn’t there in November when I went so it was funny to me that this was her topic as that was actually my topic in November when I went. She wanted to know how she could make people understand infertility. My advice was there was absolutely nothing you could do to make others understand it. Until they have experienced infertility for themselves, they never will understand it. You can try to instill infertility in to peoples heads all you want but as I myself learn more and more these days, it doesn’t benefit you at all. People don’t get it and they never will. In November I had shared my “I am a elementary teacher so I obviously understand what you are going through with infertility because I love kids too” comment but last night, Trent was able to share his comment that was made to him about “too bad you didn’t know about this sooner because you could have been sleeping around all you want since your shooting blanks and never got caught or got anyone knocked up.” It seems like it is just a normal thing for infertiles to have to distance themselves from people even if that means family. It amazes me that I am not the only one that feels like I have had to do this. You really learn who is there to support you and who isn’t. You really learn that you have to take care of yourself and if that means distancing yourself from the world then you have to do that. Infertility is a true disease and for the most part, fertiles just don’t get that. They don’t see that. When you see someone that can’t have a child, it is not just because they can’t. It is because it is a disease and something is there preventing them from becoming pregnant. Even though the outside world will never understand infertility, I just wish it would be taken more serious.

At the end of the night, the thing I was going to work on was my attitude and not worrying about things I can’t control. As of right now, I am feeling pretty good about things. I am realizing more and more that it is not my life, I cant worry about others. They will have to fend for themselves and learn things for themselves. I am also realizing more and more how grateful I am for my life and what I have been blessed with. I see more and more these days that people in general are just not blessed with honesty and trust. It seems like great marriages these days are just few and far between and I am blessed with the absolute perfect marriage. I sometimes want to laugh and think that God knew he was going to give me such a difficult road with infertility so he thought he had to make up for that somewhere and that was giving me the best man and marriage I could have EVER imagined. What did I do to deserve something so wonderful? Even though me and Trent have endured a whole heck of a lot, we are stronger than ever. As I have said before, you will hear of marriages that have fell apart because of infertility and that is just so hard for me to understand but again, it helps me to realize just how good me and Trent have it.

I honestly can't believe how good I feel today.  Today I am at such peace about everything.  Infertility, the past couple of days, everything.  I am not worried about everyone else.  It is what it is.  I am me and happy with myself.  It amazes me just how much the support group really helps me.  A couple of days ago, I said I felt like satan was winning this battle.  As of today, I can confidently say, I feel like I have satan angry and shaking in his boots with my happiness, contentment and peace of mind.  This is NOT his battle to be won.  It is mine and God will see me through it.  Thank you God for giving me peace and comfort today to accept everything that is going on in my life right now.  Thank you for helping me to defeat the devil and kick him hard.

I also just wanted to mention a couple of dates and things coming up with infertility that I feel like needs some acknowledgement.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is April 21^st – 27^th. I honestly don’t think I had ever even heard of this before last year and when I heard of it last year, NIAW had already passed. I don’t know what, but this year, I want to do something during that time frame to help bring more acknowledgement to infertility. I am thinking of a daily blog atleast.  I have other things in mind but we will see what plays out.

National Infertility Survival Day May 5^th. This is something I have never heard of until today. It was created in 2004 by a woman who struggled through infertility herself. It is celebrated on the first Sunday of May which is the week before Mothers Day.   It’s timing is intentional, so it can blunt the sadness and frustration that many women feel as Mother’s Day approaches. Mothers day is absolutely horrible to an infertile. An infertile will dread absolutely everything about that day. Church is horrible on that day because all the mothers get acknowledged while the infertile is left sitting there childless. This table also turns to Father’s day. As I see my husband hurt over not being a father, I know Father’s day is also difficult on him. For this reason, I don’t want to look at National Infertility Survival Day as just for the woman, I think it is also for all of the men who so deeply yearn for a child also. I actually got the following from another website.
Mother’s Day isn’t easy for those coping with infertility, but now, we have a day of our own – National Infertility Survival Day! National Infertility Survival Day is a relatively new holiday, invented to celebrate all the hard work and effort that infertile couples put towards trying to have a child. The day’s main emphasis is on self-care and celebration for what we do have. It’s also a day for friends and family to help left the spirits of a loved one coping with infertility.
Just like Mother’s Day, when all the hard work that goes into motherhood is celebrated, on National Infertility Survival Day, we celebrate and honor couples who are desperately trying to become parents. The holiday was found in 2004 by Beverly Barna. She describes the holiday like this “I hope National Infertility Survival Day will lift their spirits and give them the impetus to celebrate themselves and that in which they do have. This is not to negate the very real despair they may be facing. Rather, it is an opportune time to stop and smell the Chanel, and also to blunt the emotional pummeling that can occur leading up to, on and around Mother’s Day. And it’s also a vehicle through which those close to them can provide meaningful, creative and fun support.” Barna also says “As lovely as Mother’s Day can be for mothers, it can be extremely painful and disheartening for infertile women. One can feel terribly left out and ripped off.”

Just as people would celebrate Mother’s Day, National Infertility Survival Day should be celebrated for those infertiles. Infertiles should not be left out in this world of many celebrations revolving around parents and I would even go as far as saying grandparents as an infertile could potentially never even become a grandparent. Yes, an infertile thinks of all of these things.
In ending this, I just want to say I am so Thankful that I have a support group that I can attend.  I never thought it would be something I would enjoy.  I just never have been the type of person to talk to many people.  I have always been pretty shy especially around people I don't know.  I guess with this, we are all on the same page and experiencing the same struggles so it makes it easy to open up to everyone and help each other out.  I would encourage any infertile out there to find a support group if you have one close to you and try it atleast once.  You really never know how much it could potentially help you.  I have been dealing with alot over the past few days but I have felt so relieved today.  I feel like today is a fresh start to things for us.

On a side note.  We test a week from today.  I am scared for that day to come.  I am Thankful thought that I am able to be off work that day so that me and Trent will be able to spend it together and be there for one another no matter what the results may be.  I am finally back at a good place and I hate to be set back again.  I pray that if we are not pregnant that God will continue to give us this peace and comfort that I have right now.  I Thank God for all of his blessings upon me at this time.

Real and Raw Emotions Continued

As I have had time to process the blog from last night and everything going on, I feel like there needs to be a continuation in the blog of my thoughts and emotions afterwards. I realize now, maybe I was wrong in posting some of the things I said.  I do apologize again because I was probably wrong in saying that the person KNEW they were.  I now realize they probably didn't know but it was obviously suspected otherwise, why would you have taken a test so early.  I can also say because of last night, when I hear infertiles tell me thank you that I have helped them, it makes me realize what I do is not in vain.

I hope I don't dig myself a deeper hole here but I am going to continue being totally honest.

First and foremost, people want to talk about taking peoples sides.  I honestly don't care who is or isn't on my side.  People can take sides on things all they want. Honestly, I don’t care. All I need on my side is God and my husband and I know the both of them have me covered so I am good.  I am not asking anyone to defend me. I am a grown adult and will speak for my own actions.  I was in the wrong on certain aspects and I am big enough and grown enough to admit that and for that, I am truly honest to God sorry. We have all been hurt in the past and no one knows all of the ins and outs of all of the situations except for the good Lord above. So say I have hurt people all you want but you don’t have the slightest clue what they have said or done to me/us to hurt us too.   And, I can guaren-dang-tee-ya you have hurt people too. Honesty and trust for one another or anyone for that matter is the best thing anyone can have and will carry you a long way.

Again, I admit, in some aspects, I was wrong.  I want to let everyone know that but on the same hand, people need to realize, I was not just trying to start crap.  I do completely understand why the one couple I was talking about was offended.  I was honest to God updating my infertility blog with my feelings and emotions trying to help other infertiles.  I will not continue to run it in the ground but I can not feel guilty about what I said when I am helping others and it is obvious that I am.  As I said, I have been told Thank You by infertiles for THAT BLOG ALONE!!! Mission and goal accomplished on my part by helping others understand it is ok to feel angry and be upset with society when you are infertile. Am I proud of accomplishing my goal by hurting others?  Absolutely not!  Am I sorry for hurting someone? Yes.  If people still want to get mad at me after this then that's fine.  There is nothing I can do to change anyones mind nor am I trying to however, I think it is pretty reasonable thoughts.  I am not the only one that feels this way and NO I am not talking about other infertiles so if people want to think bad of me, thats fine but I am not alone.  I guess my downfall is just speaking my mind.  I need to learn to keep my mouth shut no matter what I think or how I feel.  Yet another reason I have distanced myself from the world.  I wish sometimes we could be outsiders looking in on our own situations then we could see the bigger picture on things.  I am saying this for myself as well as others.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our lives and we tend to be blinded by something that appears obvious or something that has clear cut signs in front of you.  Again, I am speaking to myself right now also.   I truly honest to God mean no harm out of this blog.

Yes, maybe I should have had more facts before I started posting but I didn't and that is my fault.  To the one person I am sorry for hurting, I am truly sorry. With all of my heart I apologize and hope this blog doesn’t make you mad all over again. I am so sorry.  I pray that it just helps to realize why it looks bad and why it looks like there were signs.

Again I say, maybe this person wasn’t guilty after all however, people still do it and it is absolutely disgusting no matter who it is.

How do you learn to let problems work themselves out and let someone learn things for themselves when you really care about them and want nothing but the best for them. 

I think the best thing for me to do is what my biggest supporter says, which is in the aspect I am failing God on. Lay it all at the alter and let God take care of it. I struggle with this. I give it all to God but the devil takes it back. When this evilness comes out in me, I also need to do as she says and Rebuke him in Jesus name and tell him to leave me alone and repeat my favorite verse over and over to myself until I feel calm and comfortable about the situation. It has been forever since I have said this but I said the devil was not going to win this battle and I meant that on a couple different aspects on my life. I feel like the devil is taking over me right now. It is a constant battle between giving it to God and feeling like I am in charge and then the devil creeping right back in. Satan knows our weaknesses and he targets those.

My following comments doesn’t have to do with the previous issues just statements in general. Yes some (but not all) could be related to the previous mentioned but they are NOT. They are just simple general statements in my views on life.

It is funny to me that the people that are sticking by my side and supporting me now have been the ones supporting us all along from day 1 and they continue to be the ones supporting me through all of this mess. Thank you for loving us and supporting us and sticking by us. Thank you for those who have helped me to realize that I am not 100% in the wrong for posting what I did. Some say it was a good thing and then some did say that they was glad I could get it off my chest and express my feelings but even though names wasn’t mentioned, maybe I shouldn’t have posted it. And that’s what I love about our supporters, they will tell us even if we are wrong but still love us and support us anyways. Unconditional Tough love is the best thing for anyone.

I am not innocent by no means, I have faults just as EVERYONE else does and lets face it, we have ALL hurt people in our past and will continue to hurt people in our present and heck even our future. That is just simply human nature. Maybe I open my mouth when I shouldn’t. I am guilty but as I have said in the past about other situations, I have morals and will not defend, take up for, or take sides with someone who is immorally wrong and just being flat out wrong. I feel like if I were to side with things that I know are immorally wrong, God would strike me right in my tracks. It is ok to tell someone they are wrong but you love them anyways.  I have accepted my wrong doings and know I sometimes I speak when I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I just want better for people who I think deserve the best. I have known several situations like this in the past and know of some right now also. You hate to see someone hurt when it could have been prevented.

Now I know why infertiles normally do a private blog and don’t tell people they know about it. They only make it for strangers so that they can speak their mind and say anything and everything they want to and not worry about others feelings. Lets face it. Infertility plays a huge toll on the body and emotions and infertiles are going to vent and be upset and disappointed in things they hear and see in society. They can express their true, raw, real emotions without being judged by those who have no clue when they have a private blog. I am starting to think about starting my own and only letting a few small people know about it so that I can express what I want and not worry about it. Those people would consist of infertiles that I know and someone that knows an infertile and has always been there for us

For all of those who want to claim “I am just unhappy in my own life and I want to make everyone elses miserable”, as a matter of fact, I am very happy with my life. YES, I struggle with infertility which pulls me down. Let me see others go through it and see how far it can pull you down. I guarantee you you would understand us a little better if you had to experience it yourselves.  I am blessed with the happiest marriage and home life I could ever imagine. I never in a million years knew I could or would be so happily in love. I absolutely 100% can not explain just how happy I/we truly am. We are honestly like 2 kids together.  We are crazy and really don't care what one another thinks when we act so silly because we get each others fun and silly ways.  On a side note, I used to complain that Trent took so dang long to propose to me but now, I thank God that he did. For one, we have been able to afford what we have been through because he was level headed enough to have money saved before we jumped into marriage and for 2, after dating/being engaged for 5 ½ years before getting married, we knew dang near everything about one another if not everything before we married. Also, through our long dating/engagement period, God put us through many trials to make us the happy committed couple that we are today. We have had to work through many obstacles however as my daddy put it this weekend in our heart to heart, we “have done it TOGETHER”. Not once have we left each others side. We have only become stronger through our journey in love and faith. I thank God for that because it sure makes our marriage one million times easier. We built that trust and that love for one another and it is unbreakable. THANK YOU GOD for blessing me with one heck of an amazing soul mate, best friend and husband. I am blessed more than I ever deserved. 

Apologies?

It has been brought to my attention that I was maybe wrong with my thoughts earlier on the person I was talking about being pregnant and drinking.  If I am wrong, I sincerely apologize.

I am not too good to admit when I am wrong.  In this situation, I will still not delete my previous blog as it is hardcore infertility emotions and I will not make myself look like the bad person for stating something as things still do not add up but all I can say is people talk and public sees things.

Even if I was wrong in the previous blog post, there are still people that are pregnant and drink and smoke and it disgust me. 

Again, I say, If I am wrong, I sincerely apologize.  I am sorry.  I would not ever want to falsely accuse someone of they are not guilty.

Will It Ever Get Easier? Real, Raw Emotions Expressed

I was a bit hesitant to do this blog however, I have been reminded this is my blog and it is my place to say what I want.  I have also been reminded that as I talk about infertility on this blog, I have other infertiles reading it that I am helping.  In knowing that, I don't feel like I am helping new infertiles by hiding feelings that I do sometimes.  Even though I am an open book about our journey, there are alot of times I hide alot of feelings because as I have said in the past, I feel like I am judged because of my journey and I feel like people think I over react on my feelings and emotions so I do keep some of the real, raw emotions and feelings to myself some.  As the quote "you really are doing what God has called you to do by sharing with others" has been said to me, it also reminds me that I need to be true to myself and true to other infertiles out there right now.  What helps me most is to know that I am not alone in this world of infertility therefore with this blog, I want to express some anger and frustrations to help others know that you are not alone.  Every feeling you are having is totally normal. 

In saying all of the previous, I do want to warn some, you will probably get mad at me and I don't really care.  You may get your toes stepped on and you may get offended but when it all comes down to it, I feel the need to get all of the following off of my chest and to just express all of the difficulties of infertility.

Just since me and Trent has started fertility treatments, there has been 5 people in my family alone to get pregnant.  With every single pregnancy, it has been like a dagger to the chest.  My sisters wasn't as bad by no means but it was tough as should be expected.  I have read and heard time and time again the comment made to the infertile world to feel comfortable blocking your pregnant friends/family or friends/family that have children that may be difficult for you to constantly see.  It is just natural for someone who is pregnant or has a child to post a million pictures but to an infertile, it is so difficult to constantly see that stuff.  I will admit, if you are in my family and have a child or are pregnant, anything that you post on facebook, I no longer see.  It does not pop up on my news feed.  I have done this to help my sanity and in doing this, I am not forced to look at it but I am able to go to each persons page and look at their stuff if and when I want.  Only family is blocked because family seems to be harder to accept than just anyone in general.  NOTE TO INFERTILES:  It is PERFECTLY fine to do this if you feel constantly overwhelmed by the baby bump pictures or baby/child pictures.  I have felt much better since doing this. 

Back at the beginning of January, I came across a blog and what first stuck out to me was a picture on that blog.  I know I posted this on facebook but don't think I posted it here.  If I did, please forgive me for posting it again.  Once I actually started reading the blog, I realized it was a infertility doctor's blog and I really enjoyed what he had to say.  Here is the link to the blog in which I am referring to.  http://100infertilityquestions.blogspot.com/2012/12/chainsaws-and-other-stress-relievers.html  Below is the picture in which was on this blog.

When I saw the picture, it gave me a great laugh as that is how I feel alot of times when I hear about someone being pregnant.  Well, back in January, I also put on facebook how I felt like the crazy infertile with a chainsaw because I was around someone who was pregnant and smoking.  I do not get that at all and it was like a dagger in my chest.  I will get to more on this in a minute but when we are in our 2 week wait, I am so cautious about everything I do trying not to risk anything however, this idiot had a huge protruding belly and she was smoking.  Why does God allow someone like that to carry a child but not me?  I understand I may not have the perfect pregnancy as I like to eat a little too much and I am sure that would not be good but one thing I will NEVER understand is how someone can KNOW they are pregnant and proceed to smoke or drink.  Well right now, I feel like a crazy infertile with a chainsaw.  I have lost COMPLETE respect for some.  The quote "Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so that you can have the life that you want.  You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve"  NEWSFLASH:  If your child is still in your womb, this still applies to you!!!  It is absolutely, completely disgusting to know that someone is so freaking selfish that they still find the need to go out and party and get drunk when they are pregnant and KNOW they are pregnant.  Not to mention, the first trimester is very critical.  Anything could happen in that first trimester especially if your are doing such ignorant things.  In fact, let me post a couple of facts that may now scare the crap out of you which it should. 
*Although the brain develops throughout the entire pregnancy, it goes through a highly sensitive period between 4-12 weeks, the embryonic period. If alcohol is consumed during this period of rapid brain development, damage can be most severe.
*The first trimester is a time when the cells of the zygote divide, become implanted in the lining of the uterus and develop the necessities to continue life. Alcohol consumed at this time may cause cell death or problems with implantation
*During the five weeks the baby is called an embryo (3-9 weeks), the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord) and major organs develop. In fact, the heart starts to beat 3 weeks after conception and brain waves are recorded at 6 weeks. This is the most sensitive period for damage to the CNS and the structure of the face.  This is a time when the most damage occurs to all body parts and systems. It is important to note that maternal use of alcohol past this stage of development can still damage the growing fetus.
*Maternal use of alcohol can damage the fetus and the brain at any point during the pregnancy.

In fact, maybe you should try the following just to scare you a little bit more.  Maybe you will think before you act next time.  (I have never tried this so don't know how it works but pretty scary if ya think about it.)
Purpose: To provide a visual representation or metaphor showing that alcohol can damage a fetus‟ brain.
Materials: One raw egg, One wine glass, One ounce of alcohol
Instructions:
1) Break the raw egg into the glass and add alcohol.
2) Watch the clear part of the egg develop white streaks as the alcohol "cooks" it. This represents an infant‟s brain that is exposed to alcohol.
3) Check back occasionally to see how it changes.

If alcohol can do this to an egg, what affect does it have on a fetus?

My question is, if you miscarry or if your child is born with defects, or problems, will you not ALWAYS feel guilty knowing that you could have most likely caused this from your selfishness.  No child deserves to die even if it is the size of a sesame seed right now or to be born with disabilities but all I have to say is if something is wrong with your child, you kind of get what you have coming to you.  I just feel deeply sorry for your innocent child having to suffer because of your selfishness.  I pray for God to watch over that child and everything to be ok.

What honestly angers me more about this situation is I have been approached by one in this couple about infertility.  Let me just tell you.  If you are that worried about infertility, you would not allow such a selfish act to be committed.  Maybe the spouse didn't know she was pregnant?  I could only pray that is the case, if not, I have no respect what so ever for you.  Honestly, it didn't take a genius to figure out she was pregnant.  I have been expecting the news for a couple of weeks now.  I knew it because of a comment on facebook.  To make the comment all you can have is "Ibuprofen and water" yet the very next night was drunk.  How?  Why?  Why are you concerned about what meds you take if you are just going to put alcohol in your body the very next night?  Why do they deserve to carry a child but I don't?  Again, if you have infertility issues, you don't risk anything.  When we are in our 2 week wait, I have no caffeine, no warm bath, I have a heated blanket I LOVE dearly but don't even use that, I stay away from places that has smoke, etc.  I have been needing a massage something awful due to neck pain but I won't even go get a massage for goodness sake.  A couple of months before we started fertility treatments, I knew it would only benefit me and my unborn child if I quit cokes therefore, because of infertility, I quit cokes and sweet teas.  I have now picked sweet tea back up but I now only drink decaffeinated tea.  Yes I take it overboard but who in their right mind would drink or smoke when they know they are pregnant especially if you supposedly had such a difficult time getting pregnant.  Don't complain to an infertile if you don't have some common sense about you. 

I have been told how strong I am to endure this journey we have been placed down and to share our story but sometimes I feel like the absolute weakest person on earth and right now is one of those times.  I am nearing the end of this journey and God, now more than ever, PLEASE, let me have a child growing in my stomach.  If we are not pregnant, will I ever be able to accept hearing of pregnancies?  I have done so great since our last IUI.  Again, this cycle was so much different than any other.  It is what it is and whatever is going to happen is going to happen but when I hear of others being pregnant, it breaks me down.  Yesterday was my first rough day since the last IUI.  I was in Manchester with my family and I just wanted to be alone.  I was going to come home but I broke down crying and me and my daddy ended up having a nice heart to heart conversation with many tears.  During this time, he convinced me to stay another night because he didn't want me driving home upset.  I caved in and stayed. 

Daddy, I hope what I am about to say is ok.  As we sit on the front porch in rocking chairs crying, he starts rubbing my stomach.  At that point, it was so hard for me to hold it together.  Rewind a couple of weeks ago, me and Trent were having a discussion how it is hard to deal with this being it because we honestly wonder if our parents will ever get to have grand kids from us or if they do, will they ever get to meet them?  As my daddy rubbed my stomach, I just couldnt' help to think of that conversation and to also think this is it.  If I am not pregnant this time, I never will be. 

I am sorry if I have offended some or if some people even want to be mad at me about this blog.  It should be used as a reality check as any normal person would see that the issue that I have should be a totally valid issue and no one in their right mind should condone the previous behaviours.

I also normally send out an email to family saying when the blog has been updated.  I will no longer be doing that.  I will continue to post on facebook when it is updated but will not be taking the extra steps to email everyone as everyone I email also has a facebook.

I honestly have to say a huge Thank you to several people for lifting me up yesterday.  I continue to realize who is really there for us and who is not.  Jessica, you know I think you are wonderful.  You have honestly been one of our biggest supporters and I Thank God for you.  My daddy has always said random things to me about what we are going through but our heart to heart talk yesterday was nice and it was different crying to my daddy about it but I know he loves us and would do anything to see us with a child and what can I say, I was definitely having a weak moment.  Jack, you also was very uplifting and encouraging with your comments last night.  I was honestly surprised to see your comment but it was so encouraging and very appreciated.  I can not say Thanks enough to those who have given us encouragement and helped to give us strength to continue on.

To any infertiles out there reading this blog, please know that if you get angered when you find out someone is pregnant, that is ok.  You are not alone.  If you question God why?  That is ok.  You are not alone.  Infertility comes with so many emotions, so many heart aches and so many struggles that it is so hard to describe every fear and emotion you are having but let me assure you.  You are not alone and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do.  It is so hard to understand but I know God has a very special plan for each and everyone of us.  I still don't understand it but I know that in the end even if me and Trent end up childless, our good Lord will provide and we will work through it.  I just wonder if it will ever get easier?  This is a struggle that you will most likely carry with you for life but in the end, you will only be a better person and stronger in the end from all of the heartaches you have endured.  Please pursue your dreams with all of your heart.  My heart truly goes out to each and everyone of you and I pray for all infertiles in my prayers for peace and comfort and the final product of a child and much happiness.