Will It Ever Get Easier? Real, Raw Emotions Expressed

I was a bit hesitant to do this blog however, I have been reminded this is my blog and it is my place to say what I want.  I have also been reminded that as I talk about infertility on this blog, I have other infertiles reading it that I am helping.  In knowing that, I don't feel like I am helping new infertiles by hiding feelings that I do sometimes.  Even though I am an open book about our journey, there are alot of times I hide alot of feelings because as I have said in the past, I feel like I am judged because of my journey and I feel like people think I over react on my feelings and emotions so I do keep some of the real, raw emotions and feelings to myself some.  As the quote "you really are doing what God has called you to do by sharing with others" has been said to me, it also reminds me that I need to be true to myself and true to other infertiles out there right now.  What helps me most is to know that I am not alone in this world of infertility therefore with this blog, I want to express some anger and frustrations to help others know that you are not alone.  Every feeling you are having is totally normal. 

In saying all of the previous, I do want to warn some, you will probably get mad at me and I don't really care.  You may get your toes stepped on and you may get offended but when it all comes down to it, I feel the need to get all of the following off of my chest and to just express all of the difficulties of infertility.

Just since me and Trent has started fertility treatments, there has been 5 people in my family alone to get pregnant.  With every single pregnancy, it has been like a dagger to the chest.  My sisters wasn't as bad by no means but it was tough as should be expected.  I have read and heard time and time again the comment made to the infertile world to feel comfortable blocking your pregnant friends/family or friends/family that have children that may be difficult for you to constantly see.  It is just natural for someone who is pregnant or has a child to post a million pictures but to an infertile, it is so difficult to constantly see that stuff.  I will admit, if you are in my family and have a child or are pregnant, anything that you post on facebook, I no longer see.  It does not pop up on my news feed.  I have done this to help my sanity and in doing this, I am not forced to look at it but I am able to go to each persons page and look at their stuff if and when I want.  Only family is blocked because family seems to be harder to accept than just anyone in general.  NOTE TO INFERTILES:  It is PERFECTLY fine to do this if you feel constantly overwhelmed by the baby bump pictures or baby/child pictures.  I have felt much better since doing this. 

Back at the beginning of January, I came across a blog and what first stuck out to me was a picture on that blog.  I know I posted this on facebook but don't think I posted it here.  If I did, please forgive me for posting it again.  Once I actually started reading the blog, I realized it was a infertility doctor's blog and I really enjoyed what he had to say.  Here is the link to the blog in which I am referring to.  http://100infertilityquestions.blogspot.com/2012/12/chainsaws-and-other-stress-relievers.html  Below is the picture in which was on this blog.

When I saw the picture, it gave me a great laugh as that is how I feel alot of times when I hear about someone being pregnant.  Well, back in January, I also put on facebook how I felt like the crazy infertile with a chainsaw because I was around someone who was pregnant and smoking.  I do not get that at all and it was like a dagger in my chest.  I will get to more on this in a minute but when we are in our 2 week wait, I am so cautious about everything I do trying not to risk anything however, this idiot had a huge protruding belly and she was smoking.  Why does God allow someone like that to carry a child but not me?  I understand I may not have the perfect pregnancy as I like to eat a little too much and I am sure that would not be good but one thing I will NEVER understand is how someone can KNOW they are pregnant and proceed to smoke or drink.  Well right now, I feel like a crazy infertile with a chainsaw.  I have lost COMPLETE respect for some.  The quote "Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so that you can have the life that you want.  You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve"  NEWSFLASH:  If your child is still in your womb, this still applies to you!!!  It is absolutely, completely disgusting to know that someone is so freaking selfish that they still find the need to go out and party and get drunk when they are pregnant and KNOW they are pregnant.  Not to mention, the first trimester is very critical.  Anything could happen in that first trimester especially if your are doing such ignorant things.  In fact, let me post a couple of facts that may now scare the crap out of you which it should. 
*Although the brain develops throughout the entire pregnancy, it goes through a highly sensitive period between 4-12 weeks, the embryonic period. If alcohol is consumed during this period of rapid brain development, damage can be most severe.
*The first trimester is a time when the cells of the zygote divide, become implanted in the lining of the uterus and develop the necessities to continue life. Alcohol consumed at this time may cause cell death or problems with implantation
*During the five weeks the baby is called an embryo (3-9 weeks), the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord) and major organs develop. In fact, the heart starts to beat 3 weeks after conception and brain waves are recorded at 6 weeks. This is the most sensitive period for damage to the CNS and the structure of the face.  This is a time when the most damage occurs to all body parts and systems. It is important to note that maternal use of alcohol past this stage of development can still damage the growing fetus.
*Maternal use of alcohol can damage the fetus and the brain at any point during the pregnancy.

In fact, maybe you should try the following just to scare you a little bit more.  Maybe you will think before you act next time.  (I have never tried this so don't know how it works but pretty scary if ya think about it.)
Purpose: To provide a visual representation or metaphor showing that alcohol can damage a fetus‟ brain.
Materials: One raw egg, One wine glass, One ounce of alcohol
Instructions:
1) Break the raw egg into the glass and add alcohol.
2) Watch the clear part of the egg develop white streaks as the alcohol "cooks" it. This represents an infant‟s brain that is exposed to alcohol.
3) Check back occasionally to see how it changes.

If alcohol can do this to an egg, what affect does it have on a fetus?

My question is, if you miscarry or if your child is born with defects, or problems, will you not ALWAYS feel guilty knowing that you could have most likely caused this from your selfishness.  No child deserves to die even if it is the size of a sesame seed right now or to be born with disabilities but all I have to say is if something is wrong with your child, you kind of get what you have coming to you.  I just feel deeply sorry for your innocent child having to suffer because of your selfishness.  I pray for God to watch over that child and everything to be ok.

What honestly angers me more about this situation is I have been approached by one in this couple about infertility.  Let me just tell you.  If you are that worried about infertility, you would not allow such a selfish act to be committed.  Maybe the spouse didn't know she was pregnant?  I could only pray that is the case, if not, I have no respect what so ever for you.  Honestly, it didn't take a genius to figure out she was pregnant.  I have been expecting the news for a couple of weeks now.  I knew it because of a comment on facebook.  To make the comment all you can have is "Ibuprofen and water" yet the very next night was drunk.  How?  Why?  Why are you concerned about what meds you take if you are just going to put alcohol in your body the very next night?  Why do they deserve to carry a child but I don't?  Again, if you have infertility issues, you don't risk anything.  When we are in our 2 week wait, I have no caffeine, no warm bath, I have a heated blanket I LOVE dearly but don't even use that, I stay away from places that has smoke, etc.  I have been needing a massage something awful due to neck pain but I won't even go get a massage for goodness sake.  A couple of months before we started fertility treatments, I knew it would only benefit me and my unborn child if I quit cokes therefore, because of infertility, I quit cokes and sweet teas.  I have now picked sweet tea back up but I now only drink decaffeinated tea.  Yes I take it overboard but who in their right mind would drink or smoke when they know they are pregnant especially if you supposedly had such a difficult time getting pregnant.  Don't complain to an infertile if you don't have some common sense about you. 

I have been told how strong I am to endure this journey we have been placed down and to share our story but sometimes I feel like the absolute weakest person on earth and right now is one of those times.  I am nearing the end of this journey and God, now more than ever, PLEASE, let me have a child growing in my stomach.  If we are not pregnant, will I ever be able to accept hearing of pregnancies?  I have done so great since our last IUI.  Again, this cycle was so much different than any other.  It is what it is and whatever is going to happen is going to happen but when I hear of others being pregnant, it breaks me down.  Yesterday was my first rough day since the last IUI.  I was in Manchester with my family and I just wanted to be alone.  I was going to come home but I broke down crying and me and my daddy ended up having a nice heart to heart conversation with many tears.  During this time, he convinced me to stay another night because he didn't want me driving home upset.  I caved in and stayed. 

Daddy, I hope what I am about to say is ok.  As we sit on the front porch in rocking chairs crying, he starts rubbing my stomach.  At that point, it was so hard for me to hold it together.  Rewind a couple of weeks ago, me and Trent were having a discussion how it is hard to deal with this being it because we honestly wonder if our parents will ever get to have grand kids from us or if they do, will they ever get to meet them?  As my daddy rubbed my stomach, I just couldnt' help to think of that conversation and to also think this is it.  If I am not pregnant this time, I never will be. 

I am sorry if I have offended some or if some people even want to be mad at me about this blog.  It should be used as a reality check as any normal person would see that the issue that I have should be a totally valid issue and no one in their right mind should condone the previous behaviours.

I also normally send out an email to family saying when the blog has been updated.  I will no longer be doing that.  I will continue to post on facebook when it is updated but will not be taking the extra steps to email everyone as everyone I email also has a facebook.

I honestly have to say a huge Thank you to several people for lifting me up yesterday.  I continue to realize who is really there for us and who is not.  Jessica, you know I think you are wonderful.  You have honestly been one of our biggest supporters and I Thank God for you.  My daddy has always said random things to me about what we are going through but our heart to heart talk yesterday was nice and it was different crying to my daddy about it but I know he loves us and would do anything to see us with a child and what can I say, I was definitely having a weak moment.  Jack, you also was very uplifting and encouraging with your comments last night.  I was honestly surprised to see your comment but it was so encouraging and very appreciated.  I can not say Thanks enough to those who have given us encouragement and helped to give us strength to continue on.

To any infertiles out there reading this blog, please know that if you get angered when you find out someone is pregnant, that is ok.  You are not alone.  If you question God why?  That is ok.  You are not alone.  Infertility comes with so many emotions, so many heart aches and so many struggles that it is so hard to describe every fear and emotion you are having but let me assure you.  You are not alone and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do.  It is so hard to understand but I know God has a very special plan for each and everyone of us.  I still don't understand it but I know that in the end even if me and Trent end up childless, our good Lord will provide and we will work through it.  I just wonder if it will ever get easier?  This is a struggle that you will most likely carry with you for life but in the end, you will only be a better person and stronger in the end from all of the heartaches you have endured.  Please pursue your dreams with all of your heart.  My heart truly goes out to each and everyone of you and I pray for all infertiles in my prayers for peace and comfort and the final product of a child and much happiness.