He's such a Natural!

This will just be a short quick post but I just wanted to post a couple pictures.  These pictures of my Trentie are just too adorable.  Amber came up and had Kellen's pictures taken yesterday and Trent had to work so he was in uniform.  Since he is Uncle PoPo, we thought it would be too cute to have his picture taken with her in his PoPo uniform.  He is just such a natural holding her.  He acts like he has done it all his life.

I had posted these pictures on Facebook and had gotten so many sweet comments on these photos.  I have had a couple of people say that those pictures remind them of the next picture which is hanging in our hallway.  

My Trentie is going to be a sweet little Angel protector for little Kellen.  All I have to say is no one better mess with her because I have a feeling, they will be in BIG trouble. 

The last picture here is just a puzzle that we put together and then had it matted and framed and it is now hanging in our living room behind the front door.  It turned out super cute. 

Heartbreaker...

This purty thing right here, is going to be an absolute heart breaker!  Auntie Nay Nay thinks she already is.  But.....thats not what this post is about.... This post is about her WONDERFULLY AMAZING Uncle PoPo.

Most BEAUTIFUL baby girl I ever did see.

 This post is about these next 2 pictures..... My amazing husband which will make the most amazing father I have EVER seen.

As my sweet husband held his beautiful little niece, his eyes began to tear up.  He was getting ready to eat breakfast and I asked him if he wanted me to take her and he said no and shook his head.  I then asked if he was going to hold her while he ate and he said yes.  I got up to get his food only to look back at him wiping the tears from his face.  At that moment, my heart just broke in a million different pieces.  I knew it was so difficult on me to hold that sweet little baby girl and I also knew it would be hard on him however, to actually watch him cry was so difficult.  All I could do was hold him. 

It is so hard to know that he wants a baby so badly.  I know I have said it once before but as badly as I want a baby also, it has nothing to do with me at this point.  I want nothing more in this world than to make all his dreams come true.  I want nothing more in this world than to give him that sweet little baby that he has desired for so long.  Just to watch him interact with Kellen warms my heart so much.  He isn't afraid to hold her, he isn't afraid to change her diaper (as he changed a couple himself already), he CAN'T quit kissing her sweet little face, he talks to her all the time.  It just amazes me to watch him with kids.  I have always loved watching him with kids but to see him interact with a NEWBORN is just the most precious thing I have ever seen.

The both of us absolutely can not wait to start procedures back.  I just pray to God that he will bless us with that little bundle of joy we have tried so hard for. 

On a side note, I get frustrated and talk about how I may not continue blogging as much however, it is very unfair to those who have been so loving and supportive of us through this journey for me not to continue the blog.  I have had several people just since the other day to ask me to continue blogging and not to quit.  THANK YOU to all of you who have showed such love and support since my last blog.  I do think it is only normal for us to go through all of these feelings both good and bad but sometimes it is just so difficult to deal with.

I want to end this by saying Trent Justin, you WILL be a daddy one day.  One way or another, you WILL have a child and you WILL be the most amazing father I have EVER laid eyes upon.  I absolutely can't wait until everything we have worked so hard for pays off.  I love you more than anything in this world and can't wait to complete our family!

We will never be able to escape what we can't have......

Wow!  Watching Amber's delivery, watching my beautiful baby niece being born was the absolute most amazing thing I have been able to witness.  I was so very grateful on so many aspects that her and Jack allowed me to be a part of something so very special.  Now that it is all done and over, I am flooded with so many emotions that I desire to express.

People have told me not to apologize for venting on my blog so I won't necessarily apologize, but I will say, some of this blog will be venting and some will be some insight to my feelings that Ambers delivery has given me about mine and Trent's infertility journey.

I will first start with my feelings that experiencing Kellens birth has given me on our infertility journey.  As most everyone knows, we haven't had any procedures since January.  This break has honestly been the best thing.  We truly needed a break as we went through 5 straight months of IUI's and failure.  During this break, I have been saying I want to move to adoption all the way however Trent wants to continue IUI's and move to adoption when and if we have to.  Well, lately, I have been kinda getting semi excited about starting procedures back because our next vials we will be using has better numbers than any we have ever used before therefore, it does give me a little hope that it could still maybe work.  On the same hand though, I still feel like adoption is our for sure way to get a child right now.  After yesterday watching Amber deliver Kellen just really pushed me to want to continue with our Journey and our IUI's.  Trent wants nothing more than to experience pregnancy and child birth and seeing Kellen being born just really made me want that much more to continue with IUI's and make it possible for Trent to be able to watch his little bundle of joy being born.  No one can ever describe what an emotional, amazing, memorable, indescribable moment it is to watch a baby be born into this world much less your own little one.  I now can't wait to start our IUI's back up and truly pray to God that he will just make all of this possible for me and Trent.  My heart just breaks as I think about what an amazing moment me and Trent could have as we have wanted this for so long.  Next month we have been trying for 3 years.  It is so difficult ot know that something you want so bad for so long you just can't have.

Since Kellen's birth, I have just been flooded with all kinds of emotions that are just making me crazy.  Let me just start by saying I continue to be tickled to death for my sister and Jack.  They created one gorgeous baby girl whom I already love so dearly.  In saying all that though, being in the hospital holding such a beautiful baby made it really difficult for me.  I know several people pregnant right now and I can't honestly say that I will be able to walk back into a hospital for someone else having a baby.  I absolutely wouldn't have missed Kellen's birth for the world and again, I am tickled to death to have actually been in the delivery room to witness her actual arrival but I know it would be much more difficult to go to the hospital for someone else.  Ambers pregnancy and delivery just seem so much different than anyone elses.  Honestly, again, I am tickled to death but I took her birth harder than I thought I would.

Let me start this paragraph saying that those who have been so supportive, PLEASE do not take this personal and you know who you are if you have supported and been encouraging to us.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to those who have been there for us.  I can't say enough thanks as you have been wonderful for us.  Now, Something I am really struggling with right now which I totally realize is somewhat selfish is how supportive or encouraging some people are for some things/some people however, I haven't not once heard "Good Luck", "I'm/We're thinking of you, I'm sorry your going through this" NOTHING!  However, if I mention Amber or Kellen, I hear all kinds of things.  For example.  When we were going through procedures, I was constantly posting on facebook for family and friends to keep up with us and the people who were always giving supportive and encouraging words are some people I NEVER would have imagined however, those you are supposed to be closest to and those you think would be there didn't say a word, didn't "like" anything or NOTHING!  BUT, let me make a status or post pictures about Amber or Amber being due in a couple weeks, or Kellen or anything, I get likes and comments by those who were not there for us at all.  There are also other things that I won't even get into that amaze me that people have supported and been there for but nothing for us.  Again, It just goes to show who your true family and friends are.  I KNOW alot of people don't know what to say to us however just a "We are thinking of you" atleast lets us know you are concerned for us.  Or if it is just a status like "Excited for IUI today" or "Numbers were good today" or "Getting ready for another IUI" again, a "like" just simply says to us you are there for us.  YES, I understand we are talking about facebook but that is just an example.  These same people have not been there for us in person either.  I have honest to God thought about deleting my facebook just so that I didn't have to worry about any communication with anyone.

I am honestly on the fence about it.  I hate to do it to the ones that have been there for us so much but when we start procedures back, I may not be keeping EVERYONE up to date as we have in the past.  I thought people cared and would be there for us but obviously I was wrong and it is only making things harder on me so, I will really have to pray about it and decide whether I will keep everyone clued in or not when we start back.
Again, I don't expect anyone to understand what we are going through because to be perfectly honest, you can't, won't and never will understand but to be honest, it is hurtful when you see everyone around you being supported and encouraged through everything but you get nothing.  Infertility has changed me in so many ways and in most ways, it has absolutely made me a bigger and better person however, in situations like this, it makes me a worse person.  I continue to pull myself further and further away from people as I feel like we don't matter to others anyways.  In church last week, Brother Micky asked what is that 1 thing that keeps you from following Christ like you should.  Infertility has definitely made me harbor ill will, anger, and frustrations towards some and I just pray that God will help me to be able to let go of some of these feelings I am having. 

Again, will others understand when I don't show up to baby showers or the hospital for the birth of their child?  Nope.  I am struggling with feeling like people may look at me like I am a bad person for not talking to anyone anymore, not coming to showers, not coming to the hospital, etc.  I don't feel as if I should ever have to explain myself in this situation however, I don't want to feel like I am a bad person because of what I have had to go through with infertility.  Fact of the matter is until we have a child if we ever do, WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE WHAT WE CAN'T HAVE WHICH WE SO STRONGLY DESIRE!!!  My mom explained it perfect a while back about the fresh scab that continues to be picked at when it is trying to heal.  I really don't feel like this scab will ever heal.  I just feel like I have been hurt not only by people but by infertility in general and it is just so difficult to heal from.  Again, you wouldn't understand until you go through it.  How can a couple who has a stable marriage suffer from infertility?  How can a couple who is as stable as me and Trent suffer from infertility?  Their are marriages falling apart which pop them out left and right!  How can a couple who has so much love for one another suffer from infertility?  I could honestly go on and on.  It is just so difficult to understand why God is specifically putting me and Trent through this test.  I have said it time and time again.  Our marriage simply amazes me.  I honest to God have never seen a marriage like ours.  Marriage just comes so simple for us.  Its also crazy to me because alot of times infertility can break a marriage but nope, not us.  Made us stronger.  Its crazy to me that normally the male is the one ready to end infertility treatments first but nope, not us.  I would have give up long ago had it not been for Trent's love and support.  Thank God I have him because honestly, without him, I sometimes feel like I would have noone.  Our immediate families have also been amazing for us through it all also but they don't understand either.

As I end this, I want to end it with something that means a TON to me right now.
Before you assume, learn the facts.
Before you judge, understand why.
Before you hurt someone, feel.
Before you speak, think.

Again, I say Thank You to those who has taken the time to listen to me basically whine and cry and vent on here tonight but I just need to let it out.

Kellen NaCole Watts 4/17/12 @ 448pm - 6lb 15oz - 19.5 in

WARNING!!!  I think its only obvious that there will be tons of pics posted.

Kellen's birth story from the Auntie Nay Nay's perspective.

When we got to the hospital, Amber got checked in and put in her labor and delivery room.  Once we got settled in, I straightened her hair and then mom went back over her hair to finish some places I missed.  After we got her hair straightened, I done her makeup.  She looked Beautiful and was ready to go. 

All made up and ready to start labor

At about 6:30am, they started the Pitocin drip on her and she was dilated to a 1 at that point. At about 8:30am, the doctor came in, she was still at a 1 and then he broke her water and I believe they increased the Pitocin drip at that time. The doctor had already told her the other day that she had a small pelvis and may have a hard time delivering that if she was not dilating 1cm an hour that they would maybe have to do a C-Section so when he broke the water, he went over the C-Section stuff with her again and explained that if she was stuck at a certain dilation for long that they would go ahead and take her in for C-Section. (Amber's small pelvis and possible difficulty with vaginal delivery on her own was the reason for induction hoping Kellen wouldn't gain much more weight (at her last appointment, she was told Kellen was approx 7lb 7oz) or else the vaginal delivery would have been even more unlikely for her.) We all kinda got the impression that he really didn't think she would dilate well and was unsure of what the day had in store for her. After breaking the water, she then pretty quickly began to have contractions pretty good and after a while had asked for some pain medicine which they gave her through the IV. She was told that the pain medicine would not take away the pain however, it would help it. WRONG! The contractions quickly intensified and got closer and closer together. The next check on her was at 11:15am and at that time, she knew she would be asking for the epidural during this check the contractions were so strong. She had already by that point dilated to a 4 and they could tell she was hurting pretty good. They then decreased the pitocin since she had already dilated so quickly. The epidural came immediately and they hit it right off the bat and she done great. After the epidural, she was immediately able to relax and get a little bit of rest before the next check. She was then checked again around 1:30pm and was dilated to a 7. During this check, Kellen was head down however facing the side so they made Amber turn to her side in hopes to make Kellen turn more. The Dr was simply amazed at how well Amber had done and how quickly she had dilated since he had concerns with her not dilating well. She had another check around 3:15 and she had then dilated to a 9. During this check, Kellen was so low that they thought she was turned the right way but couldn't tell positively. They also said that she would be pushing within an hour if not less. To make sure Kellen was turned the right way, they pulled up one of the stirrups and made Amber lay on her side with one leg and hip propped up into that stirrup. I don't know for sure what time we started pushing but it was around 4:15. Once she started pushing, we knew it wouldn't take much at all and Kellen would be here. She done rounds of pushing for 10 seconds in sets of 3. She done this twice with contractions. After these 6 pushes, the nurse said that with the next contraction, she couldn't push because Kellen would be here and the doctor wasn't here at that point. A contraction came and gone and then in ran the doctor. He looked over at her at saw the progress she had made and started throwing on his stuff quickly. He realized baby was basically here. With the next contraction, she started pushing. We don't remember if she pushed 2 or 3 times with this contraction but within 2 or 3 pushes, out came Kellen. She delivered Kellen like a true pro. Her first child and she pushed through 3 contractions making a total of 8 or 9 pushes all together.  I have said several times that she went through labor and delivery like she has delievered 10 kids in the past.  She was a true trooper.  I am so very proud of Amber and Jack for all of their hard work during this pregnancy, labor and delivery.  I know Amber is tickeled to have her hear and have her pregnancy done and over since she was sick every day of her pregnancy.

Now, let me share my good exciting news for the day.  The plan was that Jack and mom be in the delivery room and then after she was born, mom would come and get me and I would then come visit her before others.  Well, during her labor, I think she was at a 7cm, Amber told me she wanted me to stay in there with her.  I was thrilled but made sure her and Jack knew that I didn't expect it at all, and if at any point they wanted me to leave to tell me and I would.  I was also thrilled because I then knew I could get the pictures of the family that I always wanted when I gave birth.  So, enjoy the pictures to follow.

The second they laid Kellen on Ambers chest.  Such a priceless moment.

Another priceless moment with Amber and Jack with Kellen just
seconds after she was born.

Just seconds after she was born

Again, just seconds after she was born

Kellen NaCole Watts born at 4:48pm - 19.5 inches long - 6lb 15oz - Apgar score of 9.9.  WOW!!!  We have one heck of a healthy baby girl on our hands.  Again, I am totally amazed with Amber's delivery.  Labor started around 8:30am and delivery was at 4:48pm which means she had about an 8.5 hour labor with a first child.  WAIT TO GO SISTER!!!

When she was born, we figured they would pretty much immediately take her away to the nursery.  WRONG!!!  It was crazy because right after she was born, they took her over to the baby area and told me and mom we can just stand there with her and hold her and everything.  They laid her down and walked away and she was left with us.  We was amazed with that.  After they got done dealing with Amber, they finally came back and got her from me and mom and wiped her off and wrapped her in a blanket than gave her back to us.  I guess since her Apgar score was so awesome, they wasn't very concerned and they let her stay in the room with us for a little more than an hour before coming to get her and take her to the nursery.

Auntie Nay Nay giving that beautiful baby girl some love just minutes
after delivery when they left her with us.

Me and mom giving baby girl some love just minutes after birth
when they left her with us.

Me and Beautiful Kellen just minutes after she was born

Dr. Taylor and Melody with Kellen.  We couldn't have asked for a
better labor and delivery crew than she had.

The sweet first Watts family photo

The Vaughn family with Kellen

Kellens feet with her Watts foot band

Her its a girl tag with her information on it with her laying there.

The day after delivery

Her sweet little baby hand all wrinkly

Pretty girl

Amber and her Beautiful baby girl the day after delivery

Beautiful Kellen the day after delivery

Sweet baby girl

CONGRATS TO THE WATTS FAMILY!!!  YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!!!