We will never be able to escape what we can't have......

Wow!  Watching Amber's delivery, watching my beautiful baby niece being born was the absolute most amazing thing I have been able to witness.  I was so very grateful on so many aspects that her and Jack allowed me to be a part of something so very special.  Now that it is all done and over, I am flooded with so many emotions that I desire to express.

People have told me not to apologize for venting on my blog so I won't necessarily apologize, but I will say, some of this blog will be venting and some will be some insight to my feelings that Ambers delivery has given me about mine and Trent's infertility journey.

I will first start with my feelings that experiencing Kellens birth has given me on our infertility journey.  As most everyone knows, we haven't had any procedures since January.  This break has honestly been the best thing.  We truly needed a break as we went through 5 straight months of IUI's and failure.  During this break, I have been saying I want to move to adoption all the way however Trent wants to continue IUI's and move to adoption when and if we have to.  Well, lately, I have been kinda getting semi excited about starting procedures back because our next vials we will be using has better numbers than any we have ever used before therefore, it does give me a little hope that it could still maybe work.  On the same hand though, I still feel like adoption is our for sure way to get a child right now.  After yesterday watching Amber deliver Kellen just really pushed me to want to continue with our Journey and our IUI's.  Trent wants nothing more than to experience pregnancy and child birth and seeing Kellen being born just really made me want that much more to continue with IUI's and make it possible for Trent to be able to watch his little bundle of joy being born.  No one can ever describe what an emotional, amazing, memorable, indescribable moment it is to watch a baby be born into this world much less your own little one.  I now can't wait to start our IUI's back up and truly pray to God that he will just make all of this possible for me and Trent.  My heart just breaks as I think about what an amazing moment me and Trent could have as we have wanted this for so long.  Next month we have been trying for 3 years.  It is so difficult ot know that something you want so bad for so long you just can't have.

Since Kellen's birth, I have just been flooded with all kinds of emotions that are just making me crazy.  Let me just start by saying I continue to be tickled to death for my sister and Jack.  They created one gorgeous baby girl whom I already love so dearly.  In saying all that though, being in the hospital holding such a beautiful baby made it really difficult for me.  I know several people pregnant right now and I can't honestly say that I will be able to walk back into a hospital for someone else having a baby.  I absolutely wouldn't have missed Kellen's birth for the world and again, I am tickled to death to have actually been in the delivery room to witness her actual arrival but I know it would be much more difficult to go to the hospital for someone else.  Ambers pregnancy and delivery just seem so much different than anyone elses.  Honestly, again, I am tickled to death but I took her birth harder than I thought I would.

Let me start this paragraph saying that those who have been so supportive, PLEASE do not take this personal and you know who you are if you have supported and been encouraging to us.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to those who have been there for us.  I can't say enough thanks as you have been wonderful for us.  Now, Something I am really struggling with right now which I totally realize is somewhat selfish is how supportive or encouraging some people are for some things/some people however, I haven't not once heard "Good Luck", "I'm/We're thinking of you, I'm sorry your going through this" NOTHING!  However, if I mention Amber or Kellen, I hear all kinds of things.  For example.  When we were going through procedures, I was constantly posting on facebook for family and friends to keep up with us and the people who were always giving supportive and encouraging words are some people I NEVER would have imagined however, those you are supposed to be closest to and those you think would be there didn't say a word, didn't "like" anything or NOTHING!  BUT, let me make a status or post pictures about Amber or Amber being due in a couple weeks, or Kellen or anything, I get likes and comments by those who were not there for us at all.  There are also other things that I won't even get into that amaze me that people have supported and been there for but nothing for us.  Again, It just goes to show who your true family and friends are.  I KNOW alot of people don't know what to say to us however just a "We are thinking of you" atleast lets us know you are concerned for us.  Or if it is just a status like "Excited for IUI today" or "Numbers were good today" or "Getting ready for another IUI" again, a "like" just simply says to us you are there for us.  YES, I understand we are talking about facebook but that is just an example.  These same people have not been there for us in person either.  I have honest to God thought about deleting my facebook just so that I didn't have to worry about any communication with anyone.

I am honestly on the fence about it.  I hate to do it to the ones that have been there for us so much but when we start procedures back, I may not be keeping EVERYONE up to date as we have in the past.  I thought people cared and would be there for us but obviously I was wrong and it is only making things harder on me so, I will really have to pray about it and decide whether I will keep everyone clued in or not when we start back.
Again, I don't expect anyone to understand what we are going through because to be perfectly honest, you can't, won't and never will understand but to be honest, it is hurtful when you see everyone around you being supported and encouraged through everything but you get nothing.  Infertility has changed me in so many ways and in most ways, it has absolutely made me a bigger and better person however, in situations like this, it makes me a worse person.  I continue to pull myself further and further away from people as I feel like we don't matter to others anyways.  In church last week, Brother Micky asked what is that 1 thing that keeps you from following Christ like you should.  Infertility has definitely made me harbor ill will, anger, and frustrations towards some and I just pray that God will help me to be able to let go of some of these feelings I am having. 

Again, will others understand when I don't show up to baby showers or the hospital for the birth of their child?  Nope.  I am struggling with feeling like people may look at me like I am a bad person for not talking to anyone anymore, not coming to showers, not coming to the hospital, etc.  I don't feel as if I should ever have to explain myself in this situation however, I don't want to feel like I am a bad person because of what I have had to go through with infertility.  Fact of the matter is until we have a child if we ever do, WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE WHAT WE CAN'T HAVE WHICH WE SO STRONGLY DESIRE!!!  My mom explained it perfect a while back about the fresh scab that continues to be picked at when it is trying to heal.  I really don't feel like this scab will ever heal.  I just feel like I have been hurt not only by people but by infertility in general and it is just so difficult to heal from.  Again, you wouldn't understand until you go through it.  How can a couple who has a stable marriage suffer from infertility?  How can a couple who is as stable as me and Trent suffer from infertility?  Their are marriages falling apart which pop them out left and right!  How can a couple who has so much love for one another suffer from infertility?  I could honestly go on and on.  It is just so difficult to understand why God is specifically putting me and Trent through this test.  I have said it time and time again.  Our marriage simply amazes me.  I honest to God have never seen a marriage like ours.  Marriage just comes so simple for us.  Its also crazy to me because alot of times infertility can break a marriage but nope, not us.  Made us stronger.  Its crazy to me that normally the male is the one ready to end infertility treatments first but nope, not us.  I would have give up long ago had it not been for Trent's love and support.  Thank God I have him because honestly, without him, I sometimes feel like I would have noone.  Our immediate families have also been amazing for us through it all also but they don't understand either.

As I end this, I want to end it with something that means a TON to me right now.
Before you assume, learn the facts.
Before you judge, understand why.
Before you hurt someone, feel.
Before you speak, think.

Again, I say Thank You to those who has taken the time to listen to me basically whine and cry and vent on here tonight but I just need to let it out.