IUI #6 = Full of Emotions

Don't know what is up with me the past 2 days but really don't feel like blogging so I will try to sum it all up pretty quickly today.  I do have a ton of emotions going on though so will try to add those into this quick little blog.  This morning we woke up and I was in total shock that it was actually the day that we would be going back for IUI.  It just really didn't seem real that after 8 months, we are actually having the chance to go back at it again.  I told Trent that maybe I am more anxious, excited, scared, nervous, and all that good stuff than I realize because as I was taking a shower this morning, for some reason at one point, I almost felt as if I couldn't breathe.  Something in my throat/chest area felt funny and I had to take a deep breathe.  Also, several times on the way to Nashville and before the actual IUI, I felt like I had to take in deep breaths and just breathe out slowly.  I felt like at times, I just really had to focus on what we were getting ready to experience yet again.  I look back at so many things and just Thank God that he has his hand in all of this.  If God wouldn't have played everything out just right, we would already be at the end of our Journey with still no child to show for it.  Also this morning as we were driving to Nashville, I just had an overwhelming thought to hit me that made me emotional.  I can't help but to think of how wonderful our donor is and just how grateful we are for him and his graciousness to us.  If it wasn't for him getting us more vials back in December, we would have only had 1 vial left and we would have used that in February and not waited this break.  He could have easily told us no that he was done helping.  I can't imagine what we have really put him through just to help us but we are more grateful than words could ever say for him and his selflessness.  Because he was gracious enough to get us more, we are able to continue our journey in trying to have a child.  If he wouldn't have gotten us more vials, we would have used all of our vials and still never known that I myself had an infertility problem.  Luckily, now before today, we had 5 vials left and found my problem and fixed it.  That among other things had my emotions going early this morning.  I teared up several times again just going to Nashville this morning realizing how blessed and lucky we are that we even have the chance to try and have our own child.  There are some people out there that are not as lucky as we are and will never be able to attempt parenthood of their own child.  I often say no one will ever understand what we are going through and I still stick to that however, we will never understand what someone is going through that for example has had to have a hysterectomy at an early age due to health issues.  I can't imagine not even being able to take a chance at our journey.  Anyways, I will get off of the emotions I had going to Nashville.

 

Now, on to today.  We had been saying all along that these vials that we have left (other than 1) will have better numbers than we have ever had before however, in the midst of everything, we looked over one very important factor and just this morning realized the numbers would not be as GREAT as what we thought they would be but still thought they would be somewhat better than before.  After getting to the fertility center this morning, we checked in, verified donor information and waited the hour for the vial to thaw. 



Here we are in the waiting room waiting on the vial to thaw.

 After a little over an hour, Lisa, the nurse came out to get us.  When we got through the doors, I immediately started looking down at the paper to try and see what it said.  I asked her "does that say 10 million motile count?"  She said yes and started smiling and said that's good.  That is what we like to see.  I said I know but we just thought the numbers was going to be better than any before.  She then told us she would thaw another vial if we wanted her to but she wouldn't if it was her.  We agreed that we didn't want to thaw another one either.  They want to see 10 million and 10 million exactly is what we had and we have used less than that before so I definitely wasn't complaining.  It just came as a bit of a surprise since we thought it was going to be better.  That was when we realized we missed the important factor that we forgot about.  Anyways, she then started picking on me about my book that I carry around.  I have a 2 inch folder that I have kept up with ALL of our infertility stuff in.  It also carries the donor's information so I can confirm everything when we go in and also tell them what vial I would like to use each IUI since all of the vial information is also kept in this book.  I tell you, this folder has it ALL.  She has always laughed at me because I carry this book around and always seem to have a list of questions in it that I have for them.  When I don't have my book with me, they thing something is wrong.  Actually last time I went in there without it was probably the only time I have ever walked in there with out it and she asked me "You mean you don't have your book with your list of questions today?  1, 2, 3, 4 ?" LOL.  I am sure I cant be the most organized crazy infertility person that they have ever seen.  Ok, I admit, I just might be.  Anyways, we got back to the room and I again asked her about our chances increasing since he removed the endometriosis, fibroid and polyps during surgery and she again confirmed our chances were better now since all of that is now gone.  "We are starting with a clean slate".  She also informed me in that room, we would only be positive.  lol.  The scary thing is, I feel a little too positive knowing we are starting with a clean slate and that scares me.  She even went as far as saying that she could just feel it, this was the time.  I told her that she was actually not the only person that has said this to us and this in itself scares me.  Why does everyone feel this way?  Just because they know everything we have been through or is God talking to EVERYONE one else and telling them this is it for us?  Anyways, She knows we like to pray over the vial and for each procedure before we do it so she gave us a minute to pray and then I got ready for her to come in.  She came in and just like always got the procedure done and over with in no time.  As she was pushing the sperm in where it should go, she said "Go Charlie Go, Swim Baby Swim"  She always make the procedure so comfortable and easy.  A little TMI ahead if you don't want to hear it, skip ahead to after the next picture.  After the procedure, she also confirmed for us that I had good cervical mucous there just like there should be during ovulation.  Again, the mucous is a vital part of getting pregnant and helping the sperm in getting to where it needs to be.  This made me and Trent VERY happy to hear this.  I have always been a little uneasy in the past and particular about wanting to know that we timed it just right.  Last night and this morning, Trent had asked me if I had the cervical mucous for ovulation and I didn't which made us nervous.  I don't know why but I just like to know that it is there and perfect timing.  Well, once we got to the fertility center while waiting for the vial to thaw, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed some there at that point.  God just comes through right on time for us. 

Right after IUI #6

This picture cracks me up for a couple reasons.  1, I think it is just perfect
to show our silliness.  I am truly not sure if there is a married couple out
there as crazy as we are.  We are truly nuts together.  We are always doing
crazy stuff.  2.  It cracks me up because after I got home and was putting this
picture on the computer, I was looking back at previous IUI pictures and
realized we had actually taken this same picture after another IUI.

Speaking of our silliness, one random day, Trent said he loved me and I was in my own little world and didn't respond to him so he busted out in this silly voice and said "I sssaaaayyyy!" and every since then, it seems like we say this all the time at random moments and for no real reason at all.  Well, my mom thinks it is so funny when we say this that she has informed us she wants us to tell her we are pregnant by saying to her "We sssaaayyy" so we have decided to add in in a continued silly voice, "We're gonna have a baby!".  My mom is always saying that we should have our own reality show because we are just crazy and honestly are just 110% ourselves around each other.  I feels good to be able to act like a 5 year old and not care what the other person thinks of you.  That is what we love so much about one another just the simple fact that we can be ourselves and honest to God love the craziness of each other.  Because we are so crazy together, we may just have to post that video for everyone to enjoy with her and us. 

IUI #6 gets two thumbs up.  Hopefully this will be the last IUI for about
2 years and we will save the vials we have and go back at it again

My calculations were wrong and we will actually be testing on the 27th instead of the 28th.  I forgot that we test 2 weeks after the shot, not 2 weeks after the actual IUI.  I can't believe how emotional I am over this IUI.  I have no idea why either.  The only thing I can think of is because our chances are greater than ever since my surgery.  I have been the biggest cry baby over the past couple of days.  I think some of that might have to do with the meds but not really sure.  Even putting the meds to the side, today was very emotional.  More so than any other IUI we have ever been through.  I cried after the IUI while I was laying there waiting my 15 minutes and then cried several times on our way home.  I think a little bit of it is being scared of the 2 week wait.  Other than that, I really don't know why my emotions are already running wild.  Oh, and speaking of the 15 minute wait after the IUI, if you will remember, Trent turned the timer up 5 minutes every single IUI previously and the one IUI he couldn't be there for, he made sure my mom knew it was her responsibility to do his job and increase the timer for him.  Well, he said a week or so ago, he was going to "change it up" and not touch the timer.  Today after the IUI, I asked him if he had increased the time I had to lay there and he said "No, I told you I was going to change it up".  I was shocked.  He didn't touch the timer.  We just thought it was funny that he always turned it up more so I would have to lay longer.

Anyways, I just pray that God will continue to see the desires of our heart and give us that sweet little blessing that we have so long desired.  I pray that he will also give us the strength and courage to make it through the next 2 weeks without too many emotions involved.  Every time previously, the 2WW honestly flew by but also seemed to be the hardest part of it all.  I would almost say even harder than the actual negative test.  Hopefully in 2 weeks, we will have WONDERFUL news to share with everyone until then, maybe I can keep everyone updated with our feelings and how we are doing.  Oh, and by the way, I guess even though I didn't feel like blogging, obviously, once I get doing it, I am just on a roll because this again ended up much longer than what I expected.  Sorry it was again so long and drawn out.