IUI #6 Failed = IUI #7 FULL of Emotions

I had posted on Facebook about our negative pregnancy test but honestly really have not felt like blogging and still don't to be quiet honest but figured I should at least half way fill in all of our supporters.  I honestly am not going into ALL of the emotions of it because I have way too much stuff going on this go around that I can't even begin to describe the emotions I am having through it all.  This negative has been so difficult and so much more difficult than any before.  Just the day before we tested, I had told myself I WAS NOT taking no for an answer this time and well guess what?  Quiet obviously, I now have no other choice than to accept no as the answer.  This in itself is so much different than any time before because all previous times, I had pretty much convinced myself I wasn't so I wouldn't get my hopes up.  I honestly don't know what it is about this time but it has really messed with me bad.  I am not myself at all.  I just feel bad for poor Trent having to put up with me.  Yesterday on my way home from work, we were talking about our IUI's and I don't know exactly what the conversation was but I said IUI #7 and at that instant, it was like the biggest punch in the chest.  We have been through so much crap over the past 2 years since we found out what our problem was (of course later found out that wasn't all of it).  It was just such a stab at the heart to realize we have really done this 6 times now.  Its so hard to believe what all we have endured through it all.  It is hard for me to believe I am still alive and kicking through it all.  When I got home from work, he kept telling me I was grouchy.  I really didn't see it much but then when we laid down, it just hit me that I really had been grouchy but all that we have been through, the negative and what we were getting ready to face again was really weighing on my mind and it was really taking a toll on me.  Earlier in the night, we was playing around and I was hitting on him and he poked me in the stomach.  It didn't feel good and I cried.  I mean seriously?  I cried because he poked me?  It did hurt a little but there is no reason I should have been crying.  I am totally embarrassed to tell this next story.  Today I have been horribly emotional.  For one, I went to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy and when I picked up my shot, it was $90.  Yes, $90 for 1 shot.  It had went up $8 just from last month.  That upset me and I cried.  I can honestly understand my tears from that just for the simple fact that I am SICK AND TIRED of spending money on infertility.  It absolutely disgust me to know how much we have spent since we started this journey.  What disgust me more is that we have now paid on the low end of the range of what we were told In Vitro would have costed.  I just feel like I have been crying on and off all day though.  Now here is the embarrassing part.  Earlier today, Trent told me he was fixing sloppy joes for supper tonight.  I told him I didn't want that and he said ok, what about tacos?  I was just kind of like eeehhh, not really sure.  Well, during the day, I had worked myself up for tacos and decided I thought it sounded good.  So, I get home from work, get showered sit down and relax and after he has showered, he comes in and gets ready to fix supper and pulls out sloppy joe stuff to fix.  I said your not fixing tacos?  He said no, we don't have the stuff here.  Yep, that's when I started crying.  I cried because he wasn't fixing me tacos for supper.  SERIOUSLY?  That is completely and utterly ridiculous.  Needless to say, he went to the store and got the stuff to make me tacos.  That boy sure does love me. lol.  Alright, I will quit embarrassing myself with my crying tantrums now.  Trent even said he is having a harder time with this one than any before but at least he isn't acting all insane like me.  Poor thing.  Speaking of my emotions, I am getting ready to start Clomid back and they have increased my dose so I am hoping and praying it doesn't make me even crazier than I already am the past few days otherwise, someone may want to come and rescue Trent.

Anyways, now that I have embarrassed myself, just a few thoughts.  1)  I am starting to struggle with infertility more than ever.  I feel like if I keep up at the pace I am at, I will be struggling with it worse than I ever have in the past.  I really don't want to be set back in the upset, not happy person phase that I was at one point.  I still feel like I am a happy camper and deal with everything as well as possible however, I am having a very difficult time coping with things right now.  It really just comes and goes in phases.  One minute I am fine and the next minute I am on the verge of mental breakdown.  I need more prayers now than ever to help me stay at peace with everything and we need prayer more than anything right now for a better understand of why all of this could be happening to us.  Not just that but also the why's of why it hasn't happened by now?  Have we not endured enough?  We have put our all into this and just don't know what more is expected of us.  2)  We have 4 vials left.  I sometimes want to say 3 vials just because one of our vials is not a very good one therefore, we are on the fence about if we will add the 1 bad vial in with our last try therefore, we have 3 - 4 tries left at this.  Anyways, my point in saying all of this is to say that if we are not meant to be parents, I just wish these last 3 or 4 tries would hurry up and come and go so we will know.  If it's not gonna happen then I just want it all done and over with so that we can hurry up and grieve the fact that we will never have our own child. Once we are out of vials, we will know that that's it and we have to suck it up get over it and move on.  At that point, we can either move on with our lives without a child and just love one another which we all know we are just fantastic at doing and have no problems doing this.  We sure know how to do this with no problem.  Or, we can move on by adoption.  We have always said we would adopt if we couldn't conceive on our own.  We even said this before getting married before ever knowing there was the slightest problem with the either one of us but I don't know how big of a rush we will get in if none of the last tries with IUI works.  We just pray though that it works and we can finally be the parents we have always dreamed of being.  3)  As much as I just want to move to injection meds now due to them being so much more potent, it scares me to move to this next step.  It scares me to move to this next step because when and if we get moved to injections, that means yet again another failure.  I say this because the doctor is trying me on 1 or 2 more rounds of pills until we move on to injections.  Shots are more likely to produce MANY more follicles which run the risk of multiples.  In the fertility world, doctors don't like for you to get pregnant with multiples, not even twins.  It looks bad for there records and as we all know, it can run more dangers.  This is the reason that they don't switch to injections unless they just have to and is also the reason that I haven't been tried on them already.

Anyways, on to the new IUI stuff.  Follicular ultrasound for IUI #7 is next Friday 12th.  If everything looks good that day, I will get my trigger shot and go in Saturday for the actual IUI.  I have very mixed feelings on the day that I am going in for the ultrasound.  Let me refresh every ones memory.  IUI 1-3 was on Clomid 50mg and I went in for Follicular ultrasound on cycle day (CD) 13 or 14 and 1 time, I actually went in on CD 15 I think.  I was then switched to Femara 5mg and reacted much quicker to that therefore I was brought in on CD 11 for my Follicular Ultrasound.  Well, this time they have switched me back to Clomid and increased it to 100mg and I will be going in on CD 11 for my Follicular ultrasound.  For Clomid, this just seems early to me however, it will be a higher dosage so maybe I will respond quicker like I did on Femara.  They are bringing me in on CD 11 because otherwise it will be over the weekend and I will be unmonitored and Monday will be CD14 so they don't want to take the chances on me possibly ovulating or us missing something over the weekend.  That is why the ultrasound will be done on Friday and a little sooner on my cycle days than normal on Clomid.  Clomid 50mg gave me horendous hot flashes and a couple really bad headaches but no mood swings.  I am curious to see what Clomid 100mg does to me saying I am already an emotional mess and if the hot flashes or headaches increase due to the increased mg, I will most likely be crazy from that alone. 

Anyways, that's that.  Just wanted to update everyone from the negative since I didn't blog about it previously like I normally do and also wanted to update everyone about our upcoming IUI coming up.  Based on my calculations, as long as everything looks good next Friday, we will be testing on the 26th.  Hopefully IUI # 7 will bring Gods greatest blessing and miracle to our family.  After all, it is IUI #7 and 7 is God's number.