How long have we been trying to get pregnant? In 4 days, that will be 3 years and 8 months. That makes 44 months or 1,339 days. Out of the 44 months we have been trying, 32 of those months (2 years and 7 months) have been spent at the doctors offices trying to diagnose, testing, procedures, etc. The last 2 and a half years has been hectic however, it has honestly flew by. It does not feel like 2 and a half years ago when we got our first infertility diagnosis.
What were your infertility diagnosis? Our initial infertility diagnosis came back in August 2010 where Trent was diagnosed with a Congenital Absence of the Vas. For those who don't know, the easiest way to describe that is basically he was born with a Vasectomy. The Vas is the tube that carries the sperm outside the body and he is just missing that all together. Our second infertility diagnosis came in July 2012. All of my testing had came back normal and none of my doctors gyn or fertility thought I had endometriosis. After 5 failed IUI's and some right side pain, we finally done my surgeries and found very mild endometrioses, polyps, and a fibroid. All 3 of these things can be factors of infertility.
What test did we have done to diagnose infertility? 1st was a Post Coital test - around ovulation, you have intercourse then approx 8 hours later go to the doctor for an exam similar to a womans yearly however, they look at cervical mucous. They make sure it looks like good "fertile" mucous. They can also see sperm in the cervical mucous on this test however, it is not a good test to test for sperm counts, mobility, etc. Very painless procedure. 2nd was an HSG which is an xray type of test where they run a catheter through the cervix and then put dye through the catheter that tells if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. This procedure is very painful for a very short amount of time. I would say about 2 or 3 minutes. 3rd, Trent had 2 semen analysis done which lead us to our first infertility diagnosis. 4th, 2 years after our initial infertility diagnosis, I had a hysteroscopy, laproscopy and D&C done which lead us to yet another infertility diagnosis. These procedures were all surgical therefore, of course this was somewhat painful. I recovered VERY well with no complications and I would have to say my most severe pain was the gasses rising to my shoulders. The most frustrating part was having to sleep only on my back for about 2 weeks due to it hurting my stomach to sleep on my sides. I had 3 total small incisions. One in my belly button, one on my lower left side and one on my lower right side. We also had several rounds of bloodwork ran looking at all of the hormones and such.
What has been the most painful part of infertility? Geez, that is so difficult to answer. Absolutely everything about infertility is painful. It is painful to look at other peoples babies/children. It is painful to hear of yet someone else who is pregnant. It is painful when you get some absolute ridiculous comments. We have heard it all. It is painful when you are trying to do everything possible to make a pregnancy happen and a healthy one at that then you see a pregnant person who doesn't care or are irresponsible (such as smoking or drinking). I think the most painful thing though has got to be seeing my husbands desire to be a father and seeing all those dreams come crashing down before our eyes. Also the fact that I was 12 years old keeping my 2 smaller cousins, giving medications, breathing treatments and all as their mom was out of town for a death in the family. I have always been told I would be a wonderful mother and now, it is reality that I may never be a mother. Reality is really setting in that we only have 1 vial left if IUI #8 didn't work and it is terrifying to think of what all we have been through and it all could potentially end with no child. Overall, the most painful part of infertility is the constant let downs month after month and in our situation, once that last vial is gone, it's gone. There is no hope of EVER having a biological child. We can't just keep trying every month. That will not benefit us at all. There is absolutely nothing that I can say to ever describe the pain that an infertile suffers with. Infertility is 110% the most painful thing I have ever experienced in life.
What is the most hurtful thing someone has said to you through infertility? There are 2 things that stick out to me. The first one was what I would consider hurtful and the second one I would consider senseless but it has always stuck with me and bothered me. 1) When someone (a used to be friend) found out about Trent's diagnosis, he said something along the lines of "Oh that's too bad. You could have been screwing around all you want and you would have never got caught." Me and Trent remember this phrase being said a little differently however, it along the lines says the same thing. For one, how does anyone in there right mind especially a friend think that that comment would comfort someone who just found out that they can't reproduce and for two, I am sorry you and your wife don't have a good marriage but guess what, we do and that is not ok in our marriage and would never even be considered. The second comment that was made to me was a comparison on why they understand what I am going through with infertility. "I obviously know what you are going through with infertility. I mean afterall, I am a elementary school teacher and love kids too" I mean really? Just because you are a teacher and love kids, that tells you what an infertile struggles with. I guess I need to go back to school and get my masters degree in elementary education because then, I will know exactly how to handle all of my infertility problems.
What options were given to try to achieve parenthood and what path did you take? Our options consisted of 1) Adoption 2) Being childless the rest of our lives 3) IUI with donor sperm or 4) IVF with ICSI with Trent's sperm if he had sperm. The procedure to see if Trent has sperm we are told would be about $5,000 in itself and sometimes insurance won't pay for that. IVF with ICSI itself would be about $15,000. By the way, ICSI is where they take the sperm and inject it directly into the egg once the egg is removed from my body. The path we took was IUI with donor sperm as we thought that would be our cheapest and only route to parenthood other than adoption. We wanted to try to carry our own child and be able to experience all of pregnancy, doctors appointments, heart beat, baby kicking, heck even sickness, labor, delivery, all of it. We actually ended up using a known donor which has been kept very private on the blog and has never been mentioned who and we will keep it that way for privacy. By saying this, after all we have done with paying for all of the donors stuff to be done and 8 IUI's, we have paid in between the $15,000 to $20,000 so could have paid for IVF however, we never in a million years thought it would take 8 IUI's to get us pregnant. Had we not done so many IUI's, our amount wouldn't be what it is at this point.
Will you ever regret trying IUI so many times? I will never regret all that we have been through. After 8 (9 possible) IUI's I know that we have tried absolutely everything we could with our financial means to make parenthood happen as naturally as possible. I also know that with each failed IUI, it has made us stronger and stronger. Every single negative test has lead us to many tears and heart ache however, it is also sculpting us into who we are today and who we are meant to be for the future.
What exactly is an IUI and what is the process when you go in for the procedure? IUI stands for Intra Uterine Insemmination. Basically in terms that people are more familiar with, it means artificial insemmination. The cycle usually starts by starting your period and then on Cycle day 3 or 4, you start fertility medications (Clomid, Femera, Follistem, etc). You then return to the fertility center for a Follicular Ultrasound to monitor follicle development. The day could differ depending on the type of medication used. With oral medications such as Clomid or Femera, I went to Fertility center for monitoring usually around cycle day 13. With injections, it is much different. You go in on or before cycle day 3 for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and then on cycle day 3 or 4 you will begin injections. 4 to 5 days later you go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork. You then return every 2 to 3 days for ultrasound and bloodwork until you are ready for ovulation. Once you have mature follicle(s), and are ready for ovulation, I took an Ovidrel trigger shot to trigger ovulation and then 24 to 36 hours later, we went to the fertility center for the actual IUI. Due to us using donor sperm, we have to be at the fertility center an hour and a half prior to the actual IUI. We verify donor information as far as name and date of birth and then we wait on the vial to thaw. The vial is thawed, total sperm count and motile sperm count counted, etc. We then get called back to a room, all information, donor info, my info, chart number, vial info, etc is re verified to make sure we have the correct vial and then I undress waste down. The nurse then comes in and draws the sperm from the vial into the catheter. They then insert the catheter into the cervix up into the uterus to where it is supposed to be easier for the sperm to meet the egg. 14 days later, you take a home pregnancy test. With our injection cycle, I also had to take a progesterone supplement after the IUI until testing time. My fertility center to my knowledge does this with all injection cycles. I do hear though that not all fertility centers do this. Some I hear only prescribe progesterone supplements if the patients progesterone is low. The IUI itself is rather painless however may cause slight cramping during the IUI while the sperm is actually being pushed in.
Would we consider adoption? Absolutely BUT adoption scares me. You never know what you are getting with adoption. You may never know family history. You may never know medical history. The scariest part is the child could be placed in your home and then the birth parents come back and take the child from you before everything is finalized or you could be matched with a child and the parent change their mind before delivering. Anyone who knows us very well knows that I feel like in a sense God might have been trying to prepare us for adoption before we even married. We had always talked about kids and if we couldn't have them on our own, we would adopt. This was before either one of us knew about our infertility problems or even married. I am thinking we wasn't even engaged when this discussion took place. One thing I struggle with at this moment is if IUI doesn't work and we run out of vials, I don't know how quickly we can just end one journey and begin a new one unless another adoption were to just fall into our laps as it has in the past. Another worry that we now have with adoption is not knowing how we will pay for it. As much as we have already spent on infertility, I have no clue how we will ever pay for adoption. It could be that we never have kids.
Are you scared of having multiples? Yes but No. The part that scares me is that I know there are greater risk to the babies and to the mother when you have multiples. On the same hand, I know God will be watching over us the whole way through. He has already placed us down a long hard path and if he blesses us with multiples, that is his plan for us and it is meant to be. In saying all of that, we want twins. Twins is the absolute most ideal situation for us. If we have twins right off the bat, we don't have to ever worry about all this again. Triplets, well that's pushing it. I would be more than happy with triplets but that does scare me a little. I would probably have a heart attack though if we got pregnant with anything more than triplets even though they would gladly be accepted. We do not want an only child but will be ever so grateful if that is how it has to be. We will be blessed more than we ever thought we would be at this point if we can just have one. If we got pregnant off of this IUI, we have only 1 try left therefore our chances on conceiving a second child will be slim saying that we have already been through 8 IUI's. Yes we could adopt in the future to prevent an only child and would most likely consider that.
Do we regret not going through with the previous adoption that fell into our laps? This is a really difficult one. I can't say that I necessarily regret not taking the previous adoption however, I do at times get saddened by it. Timing was just not right. We were offered this baby about 2 weeks after our first doctors appointment with our infertility doctor which is when we found out our options. We still needed time to grieve the infertility diagnosis and knowing we will never have a child that was 110% biologically both of ours. Do I look back now and it make me sad? Absolutely. I think about if we had adopted him that we would have a 2 year old right now. I do get comfort though in knowing that if it was meant to be, God would have made it happen.
Are you ashamed of your infertility? No, I will never be ashamed of the way God made me. God made us special for a reason. He placed us down this infertility path for a reason. Will we ever know what that reason is? Probably not. Infertility sucks but what is there to be ashamed of?
Why do I think God gave us infertility? This is something that I have a difficult time understanding. Even though we struggle understanding this, we can pull out some positives through infertility. The number 1 and most important reason I see is it definitely brought us closer to God. I hear alot of infertiles say it pulled them further from God. I have even heard an infertile that ended up with a child say it made her further from God. I for the life of me will NEVER understand that. If God has blessed you with a child after infertility, that is ALL the proof you need that God is still a God of miracles and our God is an awesome God. Now, I can't say I don't ask God why? but, I think that is just human nature at times to ask why. I will not doubt God's plan for our lives even though it may not be the life we obviously had planned. If we end up with a child now, it still won't be the way we planned prior to knowing about infertility but guess what? It was in God's miraculous plan for our lives and that is all that matters. 2) If it was ever possible, I think infertility has brought me and Trent closer. I have always said we have one heck of a marriage but I honestly view our marriage as picture perfect. You will read alot of times that infertility breaks a marriage and sometimes ends in divorce. This saddens me to no end because I just don't understand it. Me and Trent are one million percent in this together and we have fought this battle together all the good times and bad. We have laughed together and cried together. I would be absolutely lost without him in this journey with me by my side. 3) It has taught me to filter my thoughts and things I may say to someone going through rough times. I think you have to go through major struggles in life to truly know how hurtful words can be. I have learned that some things will be said to you that you will harbor forever and those things might not have even meant to be hurtful at all but they stick with you. I now think about what is being said before I speak to someone that is having a hard time with something. 4) I think God is really working on me right now to learn to try and let things go even though I feel like I am letting God down in this aspect. 5) We will appreciate our child much more than we ever thought was possible. Infertility is only going to make us better parents in the end.
What is one thing you want to learn from this experience? The one biggest thing that I want to get from this experience is to learn how to be a better person. I want to be there for others as they have been here for me in all that we have been through. I have said time and time again that it amazes me the people that have been there to encourage us, pray for us, or even just send us a thoughtful message. Some of these people I would have never expected in a million years. I want to start letting people know I am thinking of them if that means sending a small gift in the mail or just a card to say thinking of you. I do realize though to be this better person, I must let go and let God. As I said earlier, it is a struggle sometimes for me to let go of things that have been said to us by certain people. I must let God take care of these hard feelings I have to become who I want to be from all of this.
Did you ever envision your life childless? Growing up, I never in a million years imagined me going through life childless. This is something I have never mentioned here on the blog and only told 3 people ever to my knowledge. Trent, my mom and my sister. I know this is crazy to say but for some reason growing up as a teen, I would pray to God to bless me with a husband and one day a family, it hit me that I would never have a child before God came back to this earth. I look at that now and say, Was God telling me back then that I would never have a child? Or was it the simple fact that I wanted this so badly that I put that fear into myself that I would never have a child before the rapture? I never thought of it much as a teen but once we started going through infertility, I can't help but to wonder if my fears and thoughts as a teen was truly a message from God. Do I envision life now childless? No! It is so hard for me to envision this however, I must say, sometimes I try to force myself into thinking I would be fine without a child. As much as I want to make myself believe this, I struggle with the thoughts of never being a mother or making Trent a father. Again, I have the perfect marriage. I could absolutely live the rest of my life happy with my husband because God blessed me with the most special gift to date and that is my husband and perfect marriage however, we want a child so badly it hurts and we can't imagine never having one.
No comments:
Post a Comment