I have so many emotions running through me I just don't even know what to say at this point. This morning started out very emotional. As I think is to be expected. It has gotten better however it is still a struggle. I have so many things I am struggling with at this moment I just honestly don't even know where to start. I was gonna start blogging and felt good about it until we had such a ridiculous comment made to us. Comments hurt. They cut you and sometimes they cut you deep. We totally understand that alot of times people probably don't know what to say to us however, if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all or just say a simple I'm sorry or I'm praying for you. Alot of times, just a simple I'm sorry or I'm praying for you means more than anything. Maybe I don't express my faith in God often enough or as often as I should but I fully rely on God and KNOW that he has a wonderful plan for our lives. I have said this numerous times. To come out and tell me that we are putting our faith in man made machines to get us pregnant has pushed it a bit too far. If you were in the situation and COULD NOT get pregnant without help from doctors, then I would like to see what you would do. Yes, I understand some people go straight to adoption without trying other routes but that was not our choice. God led us down this path for a reason. Infertility path and IUI path. We may never become parents through this path but GOD lead is this direction for a reason. I fully understand that God's plan for us may not be to birth our own child but we have to grieve that. Again, until you have been in our situation, you can't say anything. Some people want to act like they support us and know what we are going through and follow us and such but if that is the case, then you would clearly know how we feel about adoption. I don't feel the need at this moment during my grieving process to repeat myself. We know God has a plan for us whether it is to have a child or not to have a child. I find comfort in knowing that all of this was in GOD'S plan for our lives before we were ever brought into this world. Only God knows what direction he is going to lead us after this. Not even we know!
I realize more and more how I have opened myself up for hurt by sharing our story. I often ask myself if I am doing the right thing by continuing to share it. I don't regret sharing it but times like now gives me mixed feelings. What keeps me sharing our story is our loving and encouraging supporters. We sincerely can not THANK YOU enough for all of your love and devotion to us throughout this journey and path we are on. I also realize that we have some people that are infertile themselves and could be reading this and I know I may sound negative alot but if I can help them in anyway, I feel like I am accomplishing something. Maybe God placed us down this path just to help others. Again, I will never know why this path has been chosen for us but it is the life we have been dealt and we must accept it and move on as best as we can.
Part of what is so horribly difficult to accept right now is next cycle is it. We are done after next cycle. As I have said in the past, we can't just keep trying to conceive naturally on our own. It will not do anything for us. It is 110% impossible for us to get pregnant naturally. If IUI next cycle does not work, we will NEVER have a biological child. As much as I am terrified about next cycle coming and going, I am more than ready to get it done and over with. If IUI doesn't work next time then I think it can finally give us a sense of closure and we will finally be able to start our final grieving process of not having a child that we can carry and experience all of the pregnancy and birthing etc. with. I think for now, we can't get closure and can't quit grieving because month after month we are strung along with IUI's, medications, 2 week wait, etc. I am ready to be able to move on from all of this hurt we have been through. I am sure we won't grieve and get over it immediately however we will finally be able to deal with grieving without the up and down roller coaster of let downs month after month.
Another thing that is difficult right now is the money aspect of everything. I am so proud of me and Trent and everything we have accomplished over the past 2 and a half years. To date, we have spent $16,200 on infertility. Out of that amount, we have been given $1,000. Not by our choice but we were ever so grateful for it. The $15,200 that we have paid for, we have paid every single penny ourselves. Have not taken out a loan or anything. I am extremely proud of us and the fact that we have been able to do what we have done but on the same hand, that is extremely depressing. In the past 2 and a half years, we have spend $15,200 and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Just think of everything that we could have done with all that money. We could have bought a new car but we don't have a new car paid off to show for it. It's also depressing to think of all of the hard work and money that we have put into this route because in the end if we aren't pregnant, we have no clue how we will pay for adoption. I guess at that point, we will have to take out a loan or something. I don't know. It is just extremely difficult to accept that we have spent so much and have nothing to show for it.
I will be calling the fertility center tomorrow to see if I need to go ahead and stop taking my Prometrium. I was supposed to be taking it through Friday but since I tested negative, I don't see why I would continue taking it. That is just going to delay my period that much longer. I am not familiar at all with the Prometrium since this is my first time taking it however for the most part it sounds like people don't get their period until a couple of days after coming off of it. If this is the case, I expect my period within the next week and we will be starting the process all over again. I would imagine by the end of next week, I will be back on the Follistem injections. I am a little unsure about starting all of this back because my hives are still not totally gone which is a whole other story in itself but if the hives were caused by the meds and they are still not gone, I am afraid I will get bad hive breakouts again. As far as the hives go, I do great with no hives whatsoever as long as I take my 2 antihistamines Zyrtec and Pepcid however if I take myself off of them at all, I start breaking out in the hives again. I just don't get it. I had went several days without hives and at the beginning of the week didn't take my meds because I figured the hives were gone but they came back that day. Later that night, I got the pain back in my arm. That pretty much confirmed for me that the pain is most likely from the hives. I started taking the medicine again and went several more days without breaking out so yesterday I didn't take the antihistamines and yep, you guessed it right. I broke out in hives again. I didn't take the meds yesterday because they weren't bad and I was going to try to stay off of them however, I got up this morning and was broke out again. 1 on my face, all over my chest and neck and a couple on my arms so it was getting worse just from yesterday. I had to break down and take the antihistamines today. I guess I am going to have to start taking them again. What I don't understand is how many days without hives do I have to go to know that I will be safe coming off of the meds without any breakouts. I have went about 4 days without breaking out so I guess I will watch it and extend it to 7 days without breaking out before I come off of the meds again.
Hubby is kinda moping around the house today which really saddens me to see because he is always the positive one and usually isn't a moper. He keeps holding on to hope that it was just too soon to test however, this is not the case. We tested 2 days later than we normally test so it was definitely not too early. I guess we will be back at it again soon. It's hard to accept because I swore this month was it. I just knew I was going to get a positive test today. As imperfect as everything has been this month, God also allowed too many great things to also happen so we just knew this was it. I guess we were wrong. I am curious to see how they do my medicine this time because I responded so quickly last cycle. I was only on 75iu of Follistem and the lowest dose is 50iu. I am wondering if they won't back me down to 50iu this time to see if it will help me respond slower this time so that all of the follicles can grow together and 1 follicle doesn't mature before the rest of them.
Anyways, I will most likely update everyone later when we find out more how this cycle will work. Sorry to vent all of my frustrations right now but today is just really overwhelming.
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