It's a Negative AGAIN!

I have so many emotions running through me I just don't even know what to say at this point.  This morning started out very emotional.  As I think is to be expected.  It has gotten better however it is still a struggle.  I have so many things I am struggling with at this moment I just honestly don't even know where to start.  I was gonna start blogging and felt good about it until we had such a ridiculous comment made to us.  Comments hurt.  They cut you and sometimes they cut you deep.  We totally understand that alot of times people probably don't know what to say to us however, if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all or just say a simple I'm sorry or I'm praying for you.  Alot of times, just a simple I'm sorry or I'm praying for you means more than anything.  Maybe I don't express my faith in God often enough or as often as I should but I fully rely on God and KNOW that he has a wonderful plan for our lives.  I have said this numerous times.  To come out and tell me that we are putting our faith in man made machines to get us pregnant has pushed it a bit too far.  If you were in the situation and COULD NOT get pregnant without help from doctors, then I would like to see what you would do.  Yes, I understand some people go straight to adoption without trying other routes but that was not our choice.  God led us down this path for a reason.  Infertility path and IUI path.  We may never become parents through this path but GOD lead is this direction for a reason.  I fully understand that God's plan for us may not be to birth our own child but we have to grieve that.  Again, until you have been in our situation, you can't say anything.  Some people want to act like they support us and know what we are going through and follow us and such but if that is the case, then you would clearly know how we feel about adoption.  I don't feel the need at this moment during my grieving process to repeat myself.  We know God has a plan for us whether it is to have a child or not to have a child. I find comfort in knowing that all of this was in GOD'S plan for our lives before we were ever brought into this world.  Only God knows what direction he is going to lead us after this.  Not even we know!

I realize more and more how I have opened myself up for hurt by sharing our story.  I often ask myself if I am doing the right thing by continuing to share it.  I don't regret sharing it but times like now gives me mixed feelings.  What keeps me sharing our story is our loving and encouraging supporters.  We sincerely can not THANK YOU enough for all of your love and devotion to us throughout this journey and path we are on.  I also realize that we have some people that are infertile themselves and could be reading this and I know I may sound negative alot but if I can help them in anyway, I feel like I am accomplishing something.  Maybe God placed us down this path just to help others.  Again, I will never know why this path has been chosen for us but it is the life we have been dealt and we must accept it and move on as best as we can.

Part of what is so horribly difficult to accept right now is next cycle is it.  We are done after next cycle.  As I have said in the past, we can't just keep trying to conceive naturally on our own.  It will not do anything for us.  It is 110% impossible for us to get pregnant naturally.  If IUI next cycle does not work, we will NEVER have a biological child.  As much as I am terrified about next cycle coming and going, I am more than ready to get it done and over with.  If IUI doesn't work next time then I think it can finally give us a sense of closure and we will finally be able to start our final grieving process of not having a child that we can carry and experience all of the pregnancy and birthing etc. with.  I think for now, we can't get closure and can't quit grieving because month after month we are strung along with IUI's, medications, 2 week wait, etc.  I am ready to be able to move on from all of this hurt we have been through.  I am sure we won't grieve and get over it immediately however we will finally be able to deal with grieving without the up and down roller coaster of let downs month after month.

Another thing that is difficult right now is the money aspect of everything.  I am so proud of me and Trent and everything we have accomplished over the past 2 and a half years.  To date, we have spent $16,200 on infertility.  Out of that amount, we have been given $1,000.  Not by our choice but we were ever so grateful for it.  The $15,200 that we have paid for, we have paid every single penny ourselves.  Have not taken out a loan or anything.  I am extremely proud of us and the fact that we have been able to do what we have done but on the same hand, that is extremely depressing.  In the past 2 and a half years, we have spend $15,200 and have absolutely nothing to show for it.  Just think of everything that we could have done with all that money.  We could have bought a new car but we don't have a new car paid off to show for it.  It's also depressing to think of all of the hard work and money that we have put into this route because in the end if we aren't pregnant, we have no clue how we will pay for adoption.  I guess at that point, we will have to take out a loan or something.  I don't know.  It is just extremely difficult to accept that we have spent so much and have nothing to show for it. 

I will be calling the fertility center tomorrow to see if I need to go ahead and stop taking my Prometrium.  I was supposed to be taking it through Friday but since I tested negative, I don't see why I would continue taking it.  That is just going to delay my period that much longer.  I am not familiar at all with the Prometrium since this is my first time taking it however for the most part it sounds like people don't get their period until a couple of days after coming off of it.  If this is the case, I expect my period within the next week and we will be starting the process all over again.  I would imagine by the end of next week, I will be back on the Follistem injections.  I am a little unsure about starting all of this back because my hives are still not totally gone which is a whole other story in itself but if the hives were caused by the meds and they are still not gone, I am afraid I will get bad hive breakouts again.  As far as the hives go, I do great with no hives whatsoever as long as I take my 2 antihistamines Zyrtec and Pepcid however if I take myself off of them at all, I start breaking out in the hives again.  I just don't get it.  I had went several days without hives and at the beginning of the week didn't take my meds because I figured the hives were gone but they came back that day.  Later that night, I got the pain back in my arm.  That pretty much confirmed for me that the pain is most likely from the hives.  I started taking the medicine again and went several more days without breaking out so yesterday I didn't take the antihistamines and yep, you guessed it right.  I broke out in hives again.  I didn't take the meds yesterday because they weren't bad and I was going to try to stay off of them however, I got up this morning and was broke out again.  1 on my face, all over my chest and neck and a couple on my arms so it was getting worse just from yesterday.  I had to break down and take the antihistamines today.  I guess I am going to have to start taking them again.  What I don't understand is how many days without hives do I have to go to know that I will be safe coming off of the meds without any breakouts.  I have went about 4 days without breaking out so I guess I will watch it and extend it to 7 days without breaking out before I come off of the meds again.

Hubby is kinda moping around the house today which really saddens me to see because he is always the positive one and usually isn't a moper.  He keeps holding on to hope that it was just too soon to test however, this is not the case.  We tested 2 days later than we normally test so it was definitely not too early.  I guess we will be back at it again soon.  It's hard to accept because I swore this month was it.  I just knew I was going to get a positive test today.  As imperfect as everything has been this month, God also allowed too many great things to also happen so we just knew this was it.  I guess we were wrong.  I am curious to see how they do my medicine this time because I responded so quickly last cycle.  I was only on 75iu of Follistem and the lowest dose is 50iu.  I am wondering if they won't back me down to 50iu this time to see if it will help me respond slower this time so that all of the follicles can grow together and 1 follicle doesn't mature before the rest of them.

Anyways, I will most likely update everyone later when we find out more how this cycle will work.  Sorry to vent all of my frustrations right now but today is just really overwhelming.

It's Infertility Q&A Time!

I mentioned doing an infertility Q&A and it seemed people were interested in it and liked the thought of us doing it however, we really didn't have any questions asked to us.  I assume this is because people just didn't know what to ask.  In saying this, I came up with our own basic questions on infertility, procedures, emotions, etc and we answered them.  I done my own Q&A and Trent done a separate Q&A.  We have some of the same questions in each of ours but did not know each others response until after we were totally done with it. 

I think it will be good for others to hear Trent's side of it all since I am the voice behind the blog and I am the one that everyone always hears talking.

We each answered 15 questions and they are posted in separate blogs.  Please see the 2 post below this one to see both of our Q&A's.  I hope everyone enjoys our Q&A sessions and gets something out of them.  If anyone has any questions once you are done reading our stories, please feel free to ask away.  Again, we are just trying to raise more awareness to the fertile world and also on the same hand help those infertiles that may be new to the infertile world. 

Infertility is a monster but with love and devotion from your spouse, you can make it through anything.

Ashlie's Infertility Q&A

How long have we been trying to get pregnant? In 4 days, that will be 3 years and 8 months. That makes 44 months or 1,339 days. Out of the 44 months we have been trying, 32 of those months (2 years and 7 months) have been spent at the doctors offices trying to diagnose, testing, procedures, etc. The last 2 and a half years has been hectic however, it has honestly flew by. It does not feel like 2 and a half years ago when we got our first infertility diagnosis.

What were your infertility diagnosis? Our initial infertility diagnosis came back in August 2010 where Trent was diagnosed with a Congenital Absence of the Vas. For those who don't know, the easiest way to describe that is basically he was born with a Vasectomy. The Vas is the tube that carries the sperm outside the body and he is just missing that all together. Our second infertility diagnosis came in July 2012. All of my testing had came back normal and none of my doctors gyn or fertility thought I had endometriosis. After 5 failed IUI's and some right side pain, we finally done my surgeries and found very mild endometrioses, polyps, and a fibroid. All 3 of these things can be factors of infertility.

What test did we have done to diagnose infertility? 1st was a Post Coital test - around ovulation, you have intercourse then approx 8 hours later go to the doctor for an exam similar to a womans yearly however, they look at cervical mucous. They make sure it looks like good "fertile" mucous.  They can also see sperm in the cervical mucous on this test however, it is not a good test to test for sperm counts, mobility, etc. Very painless procedure.  2nd was an HSG which is an xray type of test where they run a catheter through the cervix and then put dye through the catheter that tells if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked.  This procedure is very painful for a very short amount of time.  I would say about 2 or 3 minutes.  3rd, Trent had 2 semen analysis done which lead us to our first infertility diagnosis.  4th, 2 years after our initial infertility diagnosis, I had a hysteroscopy, laproscopy and D&C done which lead us to yet another infertility diagnosis. These procedures were all surgical therefore, of course this was somewhat painful.  I recovered VERY well with no complications and I would have to say my most severe pain was the gasses rising to my shoulders.  The most frustrating part was having to sleep only on my back for about 2 weeks due to it hurting my stomach to sleep on my sides.  I had 3 total small incisions.  One in my belly button, one on my lower left side and one on my lower right side.  We also had several rounds of bloodwork ran looking at all of the hormones and such.

What has been the most painful part of infertility?  Geez, that is so difficult to answer.  Absolutely everything about infertility is painful.  It is painful to look at other peoples babies/children.  It is painful to hear of yet someone else who is pregnant.  It is painful when you get some absolute ridiculous comments.  We have heard it all.  It is painful when you are trying to do everything possible to make a pregnancy happen and a healthy one at that then you see a pregnant person who doesn't care or are irresponsible (such as smoking or drinking).  I think the most painful thing though has got to be seeing my husbands desire to be a father and seeing all those dreams come crashing down before our eyes.  Also the fact that I was 12 years old keeping my 2 smaller cousins, giving medications, breathing treatments and all as their mom was out of town for a death in the family.  I have always been told I would be a wonderful mother and now, it is reality that I may never be a mother.  Reality is really setting in that we only have 1 vial left if IUI #8 didn't work and it is terrifying to think of what all we have been through and it all could potentially end with no child.  Overall, the most painful part of infertility is the constant let downs month after month and in our situation, once that last vial is gone, it's gone.  There is no hope of EVER having a biological child.  We can't just keep trying every month.  That will not benefit us at all.  There is absolutely nothing that I can say to ever describe the pain that an infertile suffers with.  Infertility is 110% the most painful thing I have ever experienced in life. 

What is the most hurtful thing someone has said to you through infertility?  There are 2 things that stick out to me.  The first one was what I would consider hurtful and the second one I would consider senseless but it has always stuck with me and bothered me.  1)  When someone (a used to be friend) found out about Trent's diagnosis, he said something along the lines of "Oh that's too bad.  You could have been screwing around all you want and you would have never got caught."  Me and Trent remember this phrase being said a little differently however, it along the lines says the same thing.  For one, how does anyone in there right mind especially a friend think that that comment would comfort someone who just found out that they can't reproduce and for two, I am sorry you and your wife don't have a good marriage but guess what, we do and that is not ok in our marriage and would never even be considered.  The second comment that was made to me was a comparison on why they understand what I am going through with infertility. "I obviously know what you are going through with infertility.  I mean afterall, I am a elementary school teacher and love kids too"  I mean really?  Just because you are a teacher and love kids, that tells you what an infertile struggles with.  I guess I need to go back to school and get my masters degree in elementary education because then, I will know exactly how to handle all of my infertility problems. 

What options were given to try to achieve parenthood and what path did you take?  Our options consisted of 1) Adoption  2) Being childless the rest of our lives  3) IUI with donor sperm or 4) IVF with ICSI with Trent's sperm if he had sperm.  The procedure to see if Trent has sperm we are told would be about $5,000 in itself and sometimes insurance won't pay for that.  IVF with ICSI itself would be about $15,000.  By the way, ICSI is where they take the sperm and inject it directly into the egg once the egg is removed from my body.  The path we took was IUI with donor sperm as we thought that would be our cheapest and only route to parenthood other than adoption.  We wanted to try to carry our own child and be able to experience all of pregnancy, doctors appointments, heart beat, baby kicking, heck even sickness, labor, delivery, all of it.  We actually ended up using a known donor which has been kept very private on the blog and has never been mentioned who and we will keep it that way for privacy.  By saying this, after all we have done with paying for all of the donors stuff to be done and 8 IUI's, we have paid in between the $15,000 to $20,000 so could have paid for IVF however, we never in a million years thought it would take 8 IUI's to get us pregnant.  Had we not done so many IUI's, our amount wouldn't be what it is at this point.

Will you ever regret trying IUI so many times? I will never regret all that we have been through. After 8 (9 possible) IUI's I know that we have tried absolutely everything we could with our financial means to make parenthood happen as naturally as possible. I also know that with each failed IUI, it has made us stronger and stronger. Every single negative test has lead us to many tears and heart ache however, it is also sculpting us into who we are today and who we are meant to be for the future.

What exactly is an IUI and what is the process when you go in for the procedure?  IUI stands for Intra Uterine Insemmination.  Basically in terms that people are more familiar with, it means artificial insemmination.  The cycle usually starts by starting your period and then on Cycle day 3 or 4, you start fertility medications (Clomid, Femera, Follistem, etc).  You then return to the fertility center for a Follicular Ultrasound to monitor follicle development.  The day could differ depending on the type of medication used.  With oral medications such as Clomid or Femera, I went to Fertility center for monitoring usually around cycle day 13.  With injections, it is much different.  You go in on or before cycle day 3 for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork and then on cycle day 3 or 4 you will begin injections. 4 to 5 days later you go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork.  You then return every 2 to 3 days for ultrasound and bloodwork until you are ready for ovulation.  Once you have mature follicle(s), and are ready for ovulation, I took an Ovidrel trigger shot to trigger ovulation and then 24 to 36 hours later, we went to the fertility center for the actual IUI.  Due to us using donor sperm, we have to be at the fertility center an hour and a half prior to the actual IUI.  We verify donor information as far as name and date of birth and then we wait on the vial to thaw.  The vial is thawed, total sperm count and motile sperm count counted, etc.  We then get called back to a room, all information, donor info, my info, chart number, vial info, etc is re verified to make sure we have the correct vial and then I undress waste down.  The nurse then comes in and draws the sperm from the vial into the catheter.  They then insert the catheter into the cervix up into the uterus to where it is supposed to be easier for the sperm to meet the egg.  14 days later, you take a home pregnancy test.  With our injection cycle, I also had to take a progesterone supplement after the IUI until testing time.  My fertility center to my knowledge does this with all injection cycles.  I do hear though that not all fertility centers do this.  Some I hear only prescribe progesterone supplements if the patients progesterone is low.  The IUI itself is rather painless however may cause slight cramping during the IUI while the sperm is actually being pushed in.

Would we consider adoption? Absolutely BUT adoption scares me. You never know what you are getting with adoption. You may never know family history. You may never know medical history. The scariest part is the child could be placed in your home and then the birth parents come back and take the child from you before everything is finalized or you could be matched with a child and the parent change their mind before delivering. Anyone who knows us very well knows that I feel like in a sense God might have been trying to prepare us for adoption before we even married. We had always talked about kids and if we couldn't have them on our own, we would adopt. This was before either one of us knew about our infertility problems or even married. I am thinking we wasn't even engaged when this discussion took place. One thing I struggle with at this moment is if IUI doesn't work and we run out of vials, I don't know how quickly we can just end one journey and begin a new one unless another adoption were to just fall into our laps as it has in the past.  Another worry that we now have with adoption is not knowing how we will pay for it.  As much as we have already spent on infertility, I have no clue how we will ever pay for adoption.  It could be that we never have kids. 

Are you scared of having multiples?  Yes but No.  The part that scares me is that I know there are greater risk to the babies and to the mother when you have multiples.  On the same hand, I know God will be watching over us the whole way through.  He has already placed us down a long hard path and if he blesses us with multiples, that is his plan for us and it is meant to be.  In saying all of that, we want twins.  Twins is the absolute most ideal situation for us.  If we have twins right off the bat, we don't have to ever worry about all this again.  Triplets, well that's pushing it.  I would be more than happy with triplets but that does scare me a little.  I would probably have a heart attack though if we got pregnant with anything more than triplets even though they would gladly be accepted.  We do not want an only child but will be ever so grateful if that is how it has to be.  We will be blessed more than we ever thought we would be at this point if we can just have one.  If we got pregnant off of this IUI, we have only 1 try left therefore our chances on conceiving a second child will be slim saying that we have already been through 8 IUI's.  Yes we could adopt in the future to prevent an only child and would most likely consider that. 

Do we regret not going through with the previous adoption that fell into our laps? This is a really difficult one. I can't say that I necessarily regret not taking the previous adoption however, I do at times get saddened by it. Timing was just not right. We were offered this baby about 2 weeks after our first doctors appointment with our infertility doctor which is when we found out our options. We still needed time to grieve the infertility diagnosis and knowing we will never have a child that was 110% biologically both of ours. Do I look back now and it make me sad? Absolutely. I think about if we had adopted him that we would have a 2 year old right now. I do get comfort though in knowing that if it was meant to be, God would have made it happen.

Are you ashamed of your infertility?  No, I will never be ashamed of the way God made me.  God made us special for a reason.  He placed us down this infertility path for a reason.  Will we ever know what that reason is?  Probably not.  Infertility sucks but what is there to be ashamed of? 

Why do I think God gave us infertility?  This is something that I have a difficult time understanding.  Even though we struggle understanding this, we can pull out some positives through infertility.  The number 1 and most important reason I see is it definitely brought us closer to God.  I hear alot of infertiles say it pulled them further from God.  I have even heard an infertile that ended up with a child say it made her further from God.  I for the life of me will NEVER understand that.  If God has blessed you with a child after infertility, that is ALL the proof you need that God is still a God of miracles and our God is an awesome God.  Now, I can't say I don't ask God why? but, I think that is just human nature at times to ask why.  I will not doubt God's plan for our lives even though it may not be the life we obviously had planned.  If we end up with a child now, it still won't be the way we planned prior to knowing about infertility but guess what?  It was in God's miraculous plan for our lives and that is all that matters.  2)  If it was ever possible, I think infertility has brought me and  Trent closer.  I have always said we have one heck of a marriage but I honestly view our marriage as picture perfect.  You will read alot of times that infertility breaks a marriage and sometimes ends in divorce.  This saddens me to no end because I just don't understand it.  Me and Trent are one million percent in this together and we have fought this battle together all the good times and bad.  We have laughed together and cried together.  I would be absolutely lost without him in this journey with me by my side.  3)  It has taught me to filter my thoughts and things I may say to someone going through rough times.  I think you have to go through major struggles in life to truly know how hurtful words can be.  I have learned that some things will be said to you that you will harbor forever and those things might not have even meant to be hurtful at all but they stick with you.  I now think about what is being said before I speak to someone that is having a hard time with something.  4)  I think God is really working on me right now to learn to try and let things go even though I feel like I am letting God down in this aspect. 5) We will appreciate our child much more than we ever thought was possible.  Infertility is only going to make us better parents in the end.

What is one thing you want to learn from this experience?  The one biggest thing that I want to get from this experience is to learn how to be a better person.  I want to be there for others as they have been here for me in all that we have been through.  I have said time and time again that it amazes me the people that have been there to encourage us, pray for us, or even just send us a thoughtful message.  Some of these people I would have never expected in a million years.  I want to start letting people know I am thinking of them if that means sending a small gift in the mail or just a card to say thinking of you.  I do realize though to be this better person, I must let go and let God.  As I said earlier, it is a struggle sometimes for me to let go of things that have been said to us by certain people.  I must let God take care of these hard feelings I have to become who I want to be from all of this. 

Did you ever envision your life childless?  Growing up, I never in a million years imagined me going through life childless.  This is something I have never mentioned here on the blog and only told 3 people ever to my knowledge.  Trent, my mom and my sister.  I know this is crazy to say but for some reason growing up as a teen, I would pray to God to bless me with a husband and one day a family, it hit me that I would never have a child before God came back to this earth.  I look at that now and say, Was God telling me back then that I would never have a child?  Or was it the simple fact that I wanted this so badly that I put that fear into myself that I would never have a child before the rapture?  I never thought of it much as a teen but once we started going through infertility, I can't help but to wonder if my fears and thoughts as a teen was truly a message from God.  Do I envision life now childless?  No!  It is so hard for me to envision this however, I must say, sometimes I try to force myself into thinking I would be fine without a child.  As much as I want to make myself believe this, I struggle with the thoughts of never being a mother or making Trent a father.  Again, I have the perfect marriage.  I could absolutely live the rest of my life happy with my husband because God blessed me with the most special gift to date and that is my husband and perfect marriage however, we want a child so badly it hurts and we can't imagine never having one.

Trent's Infertility Q&A

What is the most hurtful thing someone has said to you through infertility?  There are two comments that stick out in mind.  One was not long after I found out about my problem, someone stated, "to bad you didn't know you shot blanks until now, because you could have had sex with alot of women when you were younger and not worry about knocking them up."  The second was my wife and I was in the check out line at Wal-Mart and something was said about children.  The woman at the cash register said she had three kids and that was three to many.  Really, if you don't want kids then don't spread your legs.  

What has been the most painful part of infertility?  The most painful is knowing as a male that I can't get my wife pregnant and having to see my wife cry her eyes out or cry herself to sleep, because we want something so bad and their is nothing I can do about. 

What is it like from a spouses stand point to have an infertile wife/spouse?  I feel helpless, because the main problem is me and it breaks my heart to see my wife have to be put on all different types of fertility medicine and the tole that it's doing to her body and her emotions.   

Will you ever regret trying IUI so many times?  yes it hurts my wallet, but no I will never regret doing IUI as many times as we have, because we want to do whatever it takes to have a child.

What do you think about your wife blogging about y'alls personal life?  I think it's great that my wife blogs about what we are going through.  I think it's a way for her to express her feelings and to get things off of her chest.  Plus by her blogging, people can look at the blog and read about what we are going through instead of having to repeat the story's over and over to people and getting more discouraged every time you tell the story.

Are you ashamed of your infertility?  I am somewhat ashamed of my problem, because it hurts my pride, but it's just something I have to deal with and move on.  There is no sense in dwelling on something that I have no control over.

What are you looking forward to the most about becoming a father?  Duh, everything!  If I had to put one thing the most though, it would have to be holding that little bundle of joy and singing him or her to sleep. 

What do you think y'alls 4 legged child will do when y'all have a child?  At first, I think our dog will be jealous, but as time goes by, I think the dog would be protective of the baby.

What is the hardest part about this journey? The hardest part is the up and down roller coaster of emotions that we are put through each time we do an IUI.  We wonder how many vials will they have to unthaw for us to have good numbers. We wonder if this is it, this is the time the procedures going to work, but of course we wont know for another two weeks.  So for those two weeks, we are left waiting, wondering, and hoping.

Do you ever get tired of TTC (trying to conceive)?  It is a tiring process and there is times that I get frustrated and I want to just give up, but there is also something telling me that it's going to happen and that's what pushes me to keep going. 

Do you have any advice that could help my husband understand infertility better; were new to this and I know it's hard for him to understand, just curious if you have any helpful tidbits?  My advice would have to be to love one another and be their for one another, because it's not just that one person going through the problem, whether it be the husband or the wife, it's both of you,  for better or for worst.  If that doesn't help, then just think that their are other people in this world that are going through worse things than you are. 

What are your thoughts on adoption?  Adoption does scare me, because you never know what your going to get with adoption.  I mean it's like reaching your hand in a bag and pulling out something that you have no idea what it's going to be.  If we were ever faced with adoption, I think that I would go through with it because no matter what, me and my wife would raise that child by our morals.

Do we regret not going through with the previous adoption that fell into our laps?  At times I do regret not going through with the adoption that fell in our laps, because I look at pictures on facebook of the cute little boy and I think to myself that he could have been ours.  At the same time, it was just bad timing because I just found out about my problem.  Plus I want to experience the whole birthing process with my wife.

Are you scared of having multiples?  No!  I am not scared because it would be ideal for us, after all we have been through and all the IUI's we have done.  We would most likely be done and never have to try again. 

Did you ever envision your life childless? I hate to, but there have been times that I have.  There have been times that I think to myself, well if we never have a child then we can take vacations and travel to places that we have never been before.  But I don't want to think like that because I try to be positive and believe that we are going to have that little bundle of joy some day.

Possible Infertility Q&A and Updates

So, I have already posted this on facebook but I would like to put it here too.  I know I am putting myself out there a little on this one and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me later. I think I have a few new readers on my blog and some that may be infertiles themselves. In saying this, alot of people don't understand about infertility, I think I am going to do a Q&A session on my blog this week if we get enough people interested (this includes fertiles and infertiles). In saying this, if you have any questions regarding infertility, process, testing, emotions, anything, ask me and we will answer it on the blog this week.  Just leave us a comment and let us know what your question is.  Also, I am the voice behind the blog but I add Trent's feelings too as we feel the same on most everything however, we will be doing a special Q&A with Trent.  We saw on another infertiles blog where her husband answered several questions and I think that was a great way to get his voice heard and his opinion on everything.  In saying this, if anyone has any questions from the males stand point, (emotions, thoughts, etc) let us know and Trent will answer that for you.  All we ask in this is that people are considerate in the questions that are asked.  Our goal in all of this is to help everyone including fertiles to understand the infertile world and for those infertiles or newly infertiles, maybe we can help give a little insight into it all.

 

With all of that being said, I have felt like lately I need to blog about our feelings on sharing our story.  As a new infertile, you might ask yourself, do I share my infertility with everyone or do I keep between me and my spouse.  Do we regret sharing our story with everyone from the beginning?  NO, absolutely not!  Do I think it set us up for a little extra heart ache?  Absolutely.  When you share your whole story with the world, everyone knows what you are going through but will NEVER understand what you are going through.  You will hear some of the absolute most ridiculous comments from the people you thought would support you the most and then you will have people that you never in a million years expected to support you and to be there for you more than anyone.  It absolutely amazes me some of the people who have been so supportive and gave us such encouraging words.  If I had it to do all over again, I would still share our story.  I would however give the advice to a new infertile wondering if they should share their story that you should think long and hard before making the decision to share it.  I think sharing it was great for us however, I don't think sharing it is something that just anyone would want to do.  You should really think fully about the decision as I said because it opens up anyone and everyone to make any comment they want.  Once you share your story, you can't take it back.  You will hear people trying to top your story, you will hear fertiles try to compare and top your stories even though it doesn't compare at all.  You will get totally senseless comments without a thought at all going into what someone says.  The majority of the time when someone says something hurtful to you, you will realize it wasn't meant to be hurtful however, that comment will stick with you forever and it may be something that you will never forget and you will always harbour thoughts on it.  Again, on the same hand, you will get so much love and encouragement when you never expect it.  We have at times received such wonderful words and thoughts from people and it always seems to be just at the right times just when you needed it the most.  It will brighten your day even when you thought there was no way your day could get better.  As I was having a conversation with family about infertility this weekend, one of them said, "I don't think they know just how bad you do hurt".  I share my story partially because I want to help other infertiles through this horrible journey that we have been placed down.  On another hand, I share it to try to help other realize how difficult this journey is however, I realize more and more, I can talk until I am blue in the face about the emotions, hurt and difficulties of infertility but those fertiles will still never in a million years understand it.  I don't expect a fertile to understand what a infertile goes through however, I wish there was some way possible the fertile world could just get a glimpse of what an infertile suffers with. 

 

In saying all of the previous, I want to leave everyone with something that I read on another infertiles blog.  I think the girl who posted this is a WONDERFUL person as all she has done through her journey is struggled as any infertile would but she has also praised God through her journey.  I have no clue who this person is but I just found her searching through infertility blogs one day.  I now follow her and her journey and she is now expecting her first child.  In this specific blog she says.

 

I've had time today to read through some of my old post, some I've forgotten I've even written. So if you read my blog for years the following may look familiar...but given that we are so close to our sweet miracle bean, I don't ever want to forget what we have been through; I want to praise God in these moments; He took us through these paths for a reason...and for that I'm so thankful.

 

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle.  The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief.  When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back.  There is no hope that he will come back from the dead.  You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.  The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry.  Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know.  They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.  But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all.  No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different.  Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew.  This process happens month after month, year after year.  It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

 

I just think this girl is such an inspiration and I really wanted to share what she had to say about infertility and the pains of it. 

 

As far as how I am coming along with all of my sickness and such since my doctors appointment with Dr. Hill on Thursday, I am feeling better.  I have not yet had another horrible night like Wednesday night.  Thank God because that night was absolutely unbearable.  I have still had some pains in my shoulders, elbows, and right knee however, they are in no way comparable to Wednesday night.  Today is the first day that I have not had hives.  Knock on wood.  I woke up yesterday without them too but ended up getting them throughout the day.  Hopefully the hives are working their way out of my system.  I still have the head cold but I am dealing with that.  My family doctors office called me yesterday and said that they still believe even though my fertility doctor says it's not the shots, they still believe it is.  The are now agreeing with me that the pain is from the hives but they believe the hives IS from the shots.  Honestly, my feelings on that, it could be.  We will most likely never know unless this month fails and we have to do another month of shots.  If I end up with hives again after taking the shots again then, yes, I am sure it was the shots.  If I don't have to do another round of shots then who knows.  I have mixed thoughts on it as I have had hives before and we never could figure out what they were from and I was NOT on the fertility shots back then.  I have only ever done the 1 cycle of shots which was this month.  There is a couple of things I am thinking could have caused them.  1 being the shots. 2 being using a new towel without it being washed and 3 is wearing/trying on new cloths without washing them.  Any of the previous could cause hives and that is the only thing different lately that I have done.  They did say if the pain did not go away, I could go into the office and they could do some lab work on me to try and figure it all out.  Again, the pain is much better than what it was.  I will probably give it about another week and if it is gone, I won't worry about it.  If it is not, I will probably go and get it checked out.  The only thing is again, there is really not much we can do about it unless there is something serious going on with me. 

 

I know I mentioned in the previous blog about Dr. Hill switching my Progesterone supplements from taking a 2nd Ovidrel shot to trick my body to now actually taking Progesterone supplement which is Prometrium due to him wanting to be cautious about not overstimulating me.  When he prescribed them he said take them before bed.  You can take them during the day but they will make you sleepy so I always tell my patients just to take them before bed.  The first night on the Prometrium was pretty funny.  The pharmacy didn't give me a side effects sheet so I looked up side effects online and then I also read some forums of infertile people taking Prometrium to see how it affected them.  I read some that said the Prometrium made them feel drunk and I thought surely not.  Haha well was I wrong.  Thursday was my first night taking it.  I took it while I was still up playing around on the computer.  The longer I sat here, the sleepier I got.  I then got so sleepy, I had water running from my eyes.  I then told Trent I had to get up and go to bed.  I worked myself up from the recliner, staggered to the bedroom, barely crawled in the bed from Trent's side and rolled to my side of the bed, then crashed.  Or so that's the way I remembered it.  As I was telling Trent that's what I remembered, he laughed and filled me in on the rest of what I done.  After he told me, I remembered it happening but I had to be reminded because I was OUT of it.  Apparently after I rolled to my side of the bed, I then started dishing out orders. 

Me:  My knee hurts, Get my body pillow and prop my knees up.

Trent:  Do you want me to get a regular pillow

Me:  That is a pillow.  Just use it.  My shoulder and elbow hurts.  Get me another pillow and put it under my arm.

Trent:  Does as I ask but gets a pillow I don't like

Me:  No not that one, get me another one.  Get my heating pad and put it on my shoulder and get my heated blanket and put it on my knee

Trent:  Gets another pillow then goes to the living room and gets my heating pad and blanket and brings it back to the bedroom.

Me:  You will have to get an extension cord.

Trent:  Proceeds to get everything I ask and comes back to the bedroom and plugs it all in.  Puts the heating pad on my arm and then starts to wrap my knee in the blanket

Me:  Fold the blanket in half and then wrap it.

Trent:  Proceeds to do exactly as told and then comes around to his side of the bed and laid down.

Me:  CRASHED AND TOTALLY OUT OF IT.

Now is the time to say just how much I love and admire my poor sweet hubby for having to put up with my craziness through infertility and all these meds I have had to take.  I LOVES YOU BABE!  Thank you for being YOU!  YOU are amazing and the absolute best man I have every known in all my life.

 

I have now learned that I have to take the medicine and go STRAIGHT to bed as if I don't, it does make me feel drunk and I apparently act crazy.  Trent got a good laugh at me at least.  I have taken it 2 other nights other than the first night and I have done good but again, took it and went to bed.  Last night, I took it and Trent called a little bit after I took it and I was half asleep but I talked to him for a bit and he let me go because he could tell I was very sleepy.  He had told me a story during that conversation that I had forgotten about until he reminded me of it today.  I must also remind everyone though that I am still taking a Benedryl at bedtime too because of the hives so the Benedryl and the Prometrium together, that totally knocks me out of it. 

 

Normally, we would have tested on the 11th but they delayed it until the 17th due to me supposed to be taking the 2nd Ovidrel shot.  Now that I am doing Prometrium instead of the Ovidrel shot, the doctor told us that we could test on the 14th.  I guess he was just extending it a few days.  Not sure why but since we could have normally tested on the 11th, we have decided we will test on the 13th because that is only 1 day before when the doctor told us to test and we both have to work on the day Dr. Hill said to test and we want to be off work so our plans is the 13th which is 2 days later than we would have normally tested.  I think that is a pretty good happy medium to when everyone says to test and our normal routine.  YAH!!!  This means that we only have 1 more week to wait to test.  This past week has went by very quickly and I can't believe it has already been a week since our last IUI.  We just pray that this is the time that God plans to bless us with a child.  We can't imagine our fears going into the next IUI if this one doesn't work.  There is NO ifs ands or buts about it.  We only have 1 vial left which means there is only 1 try left.  It is so scary knowing we are at the end of this journey and we may never have that baby that has "mommy's nose and daddy's eyes".  We may never be able to read our child it's bedtime story that we wrote.  I know it sounds ridiculous as I have mentioned in the past but I grieve the fact that I may never be able to read our child such a very special story of the way he or she came about into this world.  As the girl said in the blog that I quoted.  God has brought us down this path for a reason and as I have said in the past myself ultimately, his plan is going to work out and I know he has a very special plan for us.  This is just a very scary and trying time to wait and see what his plans are for us. 

 

I will end this blog with all of that but I pray that God continues to bless us on this journey and gives us the ultimate gift of parenting. 

 

Don't forget if you would like any questions answered, feel free to ask away and we will be happy to try and answer any question you may have.

Break it Down

This cycle has been horribly crazy with sickness and everything.  I am going to break it all down for you all as I know many people saw my post on facebook last night and wanted to know updates so this will explain it all.   We have said that this cycle has been so crazy and abnormal that this one would be the one to work.  Anyways, here it goes.

12/21/12 - Cycle Day 1 - Baseline Ultrasound showing 13mm cyst - Baseline Estridiol levels 66

12/22/12 - Cycle Day 2 - nothing

12/23/12 - Cycle Day 3 - Follistem 75IU day one

12/24/12 - Cycle Day 4 - Follistem 75IU day two

12/25/12 - Cycle Day 5 - Follistem 75IU day three

12/26/12 - Cycle Day 6 - Follistem 75IU day four - nausea, dizziness, headache

12/27/12 - Cycle Day 7 - Follistem 75IU day five - nausea, dizziness, headache

12/28/12 - Cycle Day 8 - First follicle check showing 4 not mature follicles on right side (shouldn't be mature at this point) and 1 mature follicle on the left side at 22mm (huge shocker) - Estridiol level 458. - nausea, dizziness, headache, head cold, full of snot, throat hurt, etc. - took Ovidrel trigger shot for ovulation

12/29/12 - Cycle Day 9 - I almost called and cancelled this cycle myself due to sickness - IUI #8 with awesome motile sperm counts for a frozen vial - nausea, dizziness, headache, head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc. and woke up broke out in hives and itching like crazy. - Was told by nurse at the fertility center to treat hives myself with Benedryl and if not gone by Monday to go to my family doctor but for them to treat me as if I was PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.).  She also said that she didn't think any of this was side effects to the shots.

12/30/12 - Cycle Day 10 - Head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc., Hives and itching

12/31/12 - Cycle Day 11 - Head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc., Hives and itching. - Went to the doctor concerning all of the previous stated however all I heard from them was "I hate to tell you this but you are basically going to have to suffer through it all."  That was ok with me because I would MUCH rather be safe than sorry.  I don't want to take anything to risk a possible pregnancy with everything we have been through.  Later in this afternoon, at the very bottom on my butt and the very top of my legs, on both sides, I had pain.  It was very painful and I couldn't figure out why.  I took some Tylenol and went to bed that night and woke up the next morning and the pain was gone.

1/1/13 - Cycle Day 12 - Head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc., Hives and itching

1/2/13 - Cycle Day 13 - Head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc., Hives and itching.  Woke up with pain in my shoulders and elbows on both arms.  I done some research and found a website that said joint swelling and pain could be an anaphalactic reaction to hives.  I have had hives in the past but NEVER have I had this pain.  I then called my family doctors office and left a message for the nurse to call me back concerning this.  She called me back around 6:00pm and said that they felt like the pain was most likely related to the fertility shots that I had taken and they thought I should follow up with my fertility doctor the next day.  At this point, my pain was also in the crease of my leg at my groin area and my knee on the right side.  The pain was so bad several times I was in tears crying.  Trent kept begging me to go to the ER or to call the emergency line at the fertility center.  I hate to bother the doctors at home as I know they have families themselves to spend time with.  I refused the ER multiple times due to knowing they can't do anything for me since we are treating me as if I was pregnant.  I did finally however, give in to calling the emergency line at the fertility center.  Dr. Eblin one of the fertility doctors in with my doctor called back and said that she really didn't feel like it was the shots causing the pain.  She would say a blood clot however since I am hurting on both sides and in my arms also, it wouldn't be that.  She also suggested it could be an infection from the IUI however, it couldn't be that because the pain was in my arms and legs and not my stomach.  If it was infection from IUI, my abdominal area would be hurting.  She said if it was pain from the shots that my estridiol levels would most likely be in the high 1,000's or 2,000.  Again, mine was only 458 when it was checked before ovulation and after ovulation, it drops so we know it hadn't went up anymore.  She again reassured me she didn't feel like it was the shots but felt like I needed to go see Dr. Hill, my fertility doctor, tomorrow to have him to check me and make sure.  I then took 2 tylenol and 2 benedryl and fell asleep in the recliner.  At 1am, Trent woke me up and said it was time for us to go to bed.  When I tried to get up, I couldn't hardly move and I thought my right knee was going to absolutely crash on me.  I was in the worse pain I have EVER been in in all my life.  I barely made it to the bed and then I laid there and cried like the biggest baby.  I almost at that point agreed to go to the ER but instead, Trent got me the heating pad and I slept with it against my will because heat can make hives worse and that was the last thing I needed.  I finally got a little bit of relief and fell asleep.  I woke up this morning and it was still sore but no where near as much pain as it was last night.  I then moved the heating pad to my left shoulder as it was bothering me and went back to sleep until time to wake up and call the fertility center to get an appointment with my doctor.

1/3/12 - Cycle Day 14 - Head cold, full of snot, throat hurts, etc., Hives and itching.  Pain continued in my shoulders, elbows, and right leg.  The pain was no where near as severe as last night.  It was tolerable but still there.  I went to see Dr. Hill and he done a urine sample on me and an ultrasound.  He said the pain was in no way related to the Follistem shots.  If I had pain in my stomach they would think hyperstimulation however, I have not hurt in my stomach at all.  Based on the ultrasound, I did have very little free fluid in my pelvic area.  I asked what that meant and they said that when you are hyperstimulated, you have free fluid.   Dr. Hill said since mine was so little that he did not believe I was hyperstimulated.  I also haven't had weight gain, stomach pain, fever, bloating or any of the other common symptoms of hyperstimulation.  That is good due to the fact that hyperstimulation can be dangerous.  He did say though that since I had a little bit of free fluid, he was going to be on the safe side and not let me take the Ovidrel shot today (what I was supposed to be using as a progesterone supplement) just in case I did have a mild case of hyperstimulation going on.  Ovidrel is HSG however, that would have tricked my body into thinking it was Progesterone somehow since I just took one a week ago tomorrow.  I don't know how all that works but that is how they explained it to me.  HSG can make hyper stimulation worse so that is why I can't take that shot today.  That really sucks because I just spent $75 on this stupid shot that I was supposed to take today.  Instead, he has prescribed me actual Progesterone pills in which I just went and spent $45 on.  That is so frustrating since I just spent $75 on that dumb shot that I was supposed to take.  Dr. Hill did say that when he heard what I was coming in for, he was very hopeful that I was pregnant.  Pregnancy can make hyper stimulation worse so he thought maybe I did have some hyperstimulation.  Then he realized my IUI was just done last Saturday so it was too soon to tell anyways.  They were dying to do a pregnancy test on me and everyone was so sad it was too soon.  Talking about Saturday, Dr. Hill was real impressed with our numbers and our good follicle for the IUI.  Now that I don't have to take the second Ovidrel shot, we can now test on the 14th instead of the 17th.  I asked Dr. Hill what I could do about the pain and he said nothing right now.  I could take some aspirin but he preferred I didn't take much of it.  I had told him I had been taking Tylenol and he said that was safe so I was fine with that.  As I type, my right shoulder is hurting pretty bad.  My left isn't too bad and my knee is sore but not horrible by no means. 

It is so crazy to me that we are now 5 days post IUI when normally, IUI would have been somewhere around today.  This cycle, I feel like has been disasterous with so much sickness and junk that I can do absolutely nothing about until after the 14th when we find out if I am pregnant or not.  I have called my regular family doctors office and left them a message to let them know what Dr. Hill said.  I am waiting on them to call me back but again, I really don't know what they are going to be able to do about it. 

I reckon this is all of an update for now but I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on as of now. 

IUI #8 with a Few Life Updates

WOW, It has been a while since I have blogged.  It seems like we have had a ton of stuff going on and I just haven't took the time to blog it all.  I have tried to keep most everyone updated by facebook so I am sure most of you have seen pretty much everything going on.  Trent got kidney stones again and ended up in the emergency room back in November with a complete obstruction due to the stone.  He then had to have two different Lithotripsy's on the one stone.  He had a follow up appointment with the doctor the other day and he said the stone in his left side (which is the one he had the two Lithotripsy's on) could no longer be seen therefore it is either busted up in so many little pieces it can't be seen or he has already passed all the stone pieces.  He does however, still have two stones on his right side.  Now we just sit around and wait on him to pass those.  He does have to follow up with the doctor again in 8 months if the stones hasn't passed before then so they can monitor them to see if they have gotten larger and if they need to do procedure on them.  That is honestly the only thing I can really think to mention other than all of our infertility stuff.

Now on to all of the infertility stuff we have had going on.  As everyone knows, we applied for the Baby Quest Foundation grant which we did not receive.  We were pretty bummed about not getting it as we felt like we were probably pretty good candidates with everything we had been through.  We would have loved to have tried IVF to better our chances but we had to accept it and move on.  Just a refresher on the past couple of months.  At the end of October we went to our Injection class at the fertility center so that with our next IUI we could do our first Follistem injection cycle.  When my cycle rolled around in November, I went in for my first day of monitoring with blood work and an ultrasound in which we found a large cyst on my ovary therefore we had to sit out that cycle to wait on the cyst to shrink.  They placed me on birth control to help the cyst to shrink quicker.  Me and Trent chose ourselves to sit out the beginning of December cycle to wait and see if we got accepted for the grant and in the meantime, the fertility center put me on another month of birth control to try and make sure the cyst was gone by the time we were ready to start back up with the next cycle.  That leads us up to where we are now. 

Just a refresher on how my shot cycle was SUPPOSED to work.  We would go the fertility center at the beginning of my cycle for blood work and an ultrasound and if everything looked good at that appointment, I would start Follistem shots on cycle day 3.  I would then return to the fertility center 4-5 days after starting shots for more blood work and another ultrasound.  From there, I would return to the fertility center every 2-3 days for blood work and ultrasound until it was time for the actual IUI.  The very least number of days I would take shots was 7 and I could take them up to as many as 11 and sometimes it is more than that. 

December 21st was my cycle day 1 so we went in for our first ultrasound.  They said I still had the cyst but it had shrunk from 44mm to only 13mm.  As long as my blood work came back ok, we would be able to continue with this cycle.  Before we left the fertility center, they set us up our voicemail box there at the fertility center and told us to call and check it around 3:30.  When I checked it, they said that my blood work looked good that my Estridiol levels were low at 66 which meant that the cyst was not producing Estrogen.  I am honestly not too sure what all the levels are supposed to be at.  I would normally research the crap out of everything but I guess I am just not that worried about it.  Due to blood work looking good, I would take 75 units of Follistem starting Sunday night the 23rd and take them every night through Thursday 27th.  Friday 28th go in for my monitoring with blood work and ultrasound.  This means by our 1st checkup, we would have only 5 shots.  We done just that.  Like I have said in the past, Trent has became a pro at watching the ultrasound and spotting the follicles and how big they are and all that good stuff.  Because of this, on the way to the fertility center Friday, I reminded Trent that the follicles would still be small that today was just to monitor how quickly I am responding and if they needed to increase or decrease my shot dosage or even keep it the same based on how well I am responding.  We were very anxious to see how many follicles were forming since the injections were supposed to give more follicles than pills.  We got there and as they were doing the ultrasound, they were checking the right side and calling out all kinds of numbers.  For a follicle to be mature they like to see it at at least 18mm.  We were tickled to death because I had 4 follicles on the right side alone.  13mm, 9.5mm, 10mm, and 10.5mm.  None of these were very big yet but that was expected as they aren't supposed to be.  I had only taken 5 shots and it was just too soon for them to be ready.  We just knew they would move to the left side and see a similar situation with several follicles forming.  WRONG!!!  As soon as they moved to the left side, Trent's mouth flew WIDE open in shock.  I knew something was up just not sure what it was.  Not long after that, the ultrasound tech said "Well, you have 1 mature follicle on the left side.  You may trigger for ovulation tonight and have IUI tomorrow".  The follicle was 22mm already.  What?  How in the heck was this possible?  The least number of days you are supposed to be on shots is 7 days and we have only taken 5.  Trent then asked her if it was common to respond that quickly and be ready for IUI that soon.  She responded with "Uhhh, NO!".  She was totally shocked that I responded so quickly.  Well, I guess I am just a total odd ball.  We were told to check our voicemail box there at the fertility center around 2:00 and we would know exactly what is next.  When we checked the voicemail box, they said that my Estridiol levels had increased to 458 and to take the Ovidrel trigger shot as soon as possible and be at the fertility center Saturday 29th at 10am for IUI at 11:30.  Me and Trent had already been talking and we didn't think there was any way that we would have IUI Saturday because they are only open half a day on Saturday and that would not give 24 hours between trigger shot and IUI so we were shocked and didn't know what to think about having it done so quick.  We done the trigger shot at 2:45 and the IUI was scheduled for 11:30 which only gave us about a 21 hour gap.  Everything with this cycle has just been totally unexpected.  I called the fertility center back to talk to a nurse and ask a couple of questions since we were just totally thrown for a loop.  The nurse and the doctors were also shocked at how quickly I responded.  If this just half way explains the quickness of this cycle, you normally aren't ready for ovulation until about cycle day 14 however, I was on cycle day 8 and ready for ovulation.  They said normally you do want 24 hours between trigger and IUI however in this case, we could not put it off until Monday because we would most likely miss ovulation all together and have to cancel this cycle.  My Estridiol levels jumped from 66 to 458 within exactly 1 week and they like to see the levels above 300 for ovulation so they didn't want to put it off.  Let me back up a little now.  Since Wednesday, I have had a headache that doesn't want to go away, nausea (no vomiting) and dizzy.  As of Thursday I had all of the previous mentioned along with feeling like my head is going to explode with snot and coughing.  I have just felt absolutely horrible lately.  I didn't know if the dizziness and nausea was from the injections or maybe a virus which my mom and dad has had along with Trent's mom.  After the ultrasound and seeing that I responded so much quicker than the norm, I just summed it up to side effects from the shots.  Well on Saturday they day we were supposed to go in for IUI, I woke up feeling absolutely horrible.  I also woke up with hives broke out all over my thighs, elbows, head and ears.  I was so tempted to call them and tell them we would be cancelling this cycle that I just did not feel good at all.  I had taken a shower, done my hair and makeup and laid back down.  I finally mustered up the energy to get up and put on my clothes so we could go.  We had decided though that we would double check with the nurse before they unthawed any vials to make sure she thought it would be ok to continue on with procedure in case I was sick to make sure it wouldn't affect anything.  After talking with her, she didn't think my sickness was from the shots and she thought I actually had a virus going on along with the head cold and hives.  I am just a total train wreck right now.  She did say though that if I went to a doctor that I needed to make sure they treated me as if I am pregnant right now just in case.  The difficult thing is with these darn hives.  It has been a while since I have gotten them but normally if I get them, they are gone within a couple of days but every time I get them, I fear that I will get them severely as I have once before when I had to take 3 rounds of steroids and had them for 3 months without them going away.  She did tell me to take Benedryl and try to treat them myself before trying to let a doctor resolve them but if they were not gone by Monday I probably did need to go ahead and go to a doctor.  They are not gone so it looks like I probably will be going to the doctor tomorrow to see what needs to be done.  Anyways, she said we was good to proceed with IUI so we waited on the vial to be unthawed.  When they call us back, the paper with our numbers is always on top of our chart and I NEVER give them a chance to tell me what the numbers are, I am always immediately looking down at the paper while they are checking our wrist bands.  When the nurse called us back, I immediately looked down and was in total shock.  I absolutely could not believe what was before my eyes.  Our highest total motile sperm count in the past was 16.1 million and that was with 2 vials.  We had 33.1 million total motile sperm count this time in ONE vial.  I just couldn't believe it.  The nurse said for a frozen vial, that was great numbers.  She was thrilled with what we had.  Trent told me not to put this in here but I am going to sneak it in here anyways.  By no means am I trying to be disrespectful to any country, religion, etc.  I am just putting a little humor in things.  Normally when they verify our information to thaw a vial, they have us to verify our donors birthday so that we all know it is the right vial they are unthawing.  This time, they just verified my information.  I told Trent in the waiting room that if we got back there and our numbers was ridiculously high, we knew it was not our donors vial.  There was a foreign couple there also having an IUI that day and they were actually using a fresh sample if you know what I mean and fresh samples have better numbers than frozen samples.  Well, once we got back there and saw our numbers, I told Trent that if our baby came out with a jewel on its forehead, we knew our vials did get mixed up.  Just a note: I did verify that they thawed the correct vial and our donors information was on our paperwork.  I just thought is was funny because we had joked around about high numbers in the waiting room and then we got called back to the shock of our lives with double the numbers that we have ever had before even using 2 vials.  We had so many people praying for us that day and more specifically praying for us right at 11:30 when IUI was supposed to be that I know the good Lord heard every single one of those prayers.  Now we pray that the biggest prayer of all is answered and we are blessed with that sweet little miracle baby in September of next year.  Anyways, once we got back there, we again as always asked them to give us a few extra minutes before coming in to do the IUI so we could pray first.  Trent prayed this time the sweetest prayer I have ever heard.  At then end he prayed that we would be blessed with that little boy or girl that we could devote our every waking minute to.  We absolutely can't wait to have a sweet little one to devote every single second of our day to.  All I can think of is how appreciative we will be over this child that we have so long yearned for.  We absolutely can not wait for all of our dreams to come true.  Once we got there and seen how WONDERFUL the day turned out for us, I was so more than thankful that I made myself get up and get ready to go because I was honestly so close to calling and cancelling this cycle.  The unfortunate part of this IUI is we normally have a 2 week wait but this time we have almost a 3 week wait.  If you take fertility shots, you have to take a progesterone supplement.  For my supplement, they are actually having me to take another Ovidrel trigger shot because it will trick my body into thinking it is progesterone.  The Ovidrel gives a false positive on a pregnancy test for 7 to 10 days.  I have to take the 2nd Ovidrel shot on Jan 3rd and they want you to wait 2 weeks after taking the shot before testing to make extra sure that the shot is totally out of your system.  This means that we will be testing on January 17th.  We normally do pretty good through the 1st week wait and then the 2nd week we start getting anxious.  We are going to die having to wait an extra 5 days this time but we KNOW that we can NOT test any sooner and risk a false positive.  It would absolutely kill us if we got a false positive and then found out we were not actually pregnant.  We need to be praying for much patience over the next couple of weeks.

There has been alot of unexpecteds in this cycle.  Just a few are:
1) Responding so quickly by cycle day 8 when we thought it would be atleast 4-5 more days before IUI
2) Having IUI without 24 hour gap of trigger shot
3) Awesome motile sperm count at 33.1 million
4) Having to wait almost 3 weeks to test

With all of these unexpecteds already, hopefully we will receive the greatest unexpected next month.  This sweet hopeful little one of ours sure has been a very long time coming.



Us after IUI #8

We were a little bummed that we only ended up with 1 follicle for this IUI even after the shots but if ovulation was timed right, we feel really good about this one.  I reckon that is all of an update I can give for now but hopefully on the 17th, we will have some GREAT news for all of our wonderful supporters that we have.  We can not say Thank you enough for all of those who have been praying for us.  I believe God is hearing everyone of those prayers and looking out for us.