IUI #4 = another FAIL!

I do apologize because this is a rather lengthy blog as I talked to the doctors office today and got alot of information part of which we already knew.

Well, quiet obviously, by the subject, you can tell we got another Negative.  This morning when I woke up first thing I done was tested.  Trent was actually off work today so our deal was that I would not wake him up unless it was good news.  Since it was bad news, I just continued getting ready.  Of course, as I am getting ready, I am thinking about it.  I am not crying and I am holding up as good as possible.  Well, As I was brushing my teeth, I stepped out in the room to get something and Trent grunts and motions me to him.  I walk over to him and he says "No?".  I replied "No, I'm sorry baby".  At that point, I start crying.  I always seem to be ok until I talk to him but as soon as I talk to him, it is just so difficult to hold it together.  I feel sorry for myself for not becoming a parent yet but more than anything, I feel guilty and bad that my husband is not a father yet.  I know just how bad he wants this to happen and it absolutely breaks my heart to see him so disappointed month after month.  As I have previously said, our donor has froze more vials for us and we now have 6 vials left.  That is wonderful saying that we have already had 4 IUI's and have used 5 vials.  This means that we have 5 - 6 tries left.  That is WONDERFUL but at the same time, I can't help but to wonder when we will get to the point to where we think enough is just enough.  I know one thing for sure, we are DEFINITELY not to that point yet.  The good thing about having 6 more vials is even if we do decide to give it a break for a while, we will still have those vials for whenever we are ready to go back at it.

Talking about taking a break, after this month, we will be forced into about a 3 month wait while the new vials are in their quarantine period.  If some of you were not following the blog a while back, you may not know all the little details but the vials have to quarantine for at least 3 months before they can be used and then more blood work has to be done on the donor and then they will be available for us to use.  We are figuring our new vials should be ready sometime in April so we will have a wait from about February to at least April if not May.  Both me and Trent have agreed that we are not ready to take a break quiet yet however the forced break starting next month will probably be the best thing for us.  During the break, we will just be able to take it easy and not have to worry about medications, ultrasounds, cycle days, drives to Nashville, IUI, and all the other headaches of infertility. 

After talking to the doctors office today, we pretty much knew this already but had not been told by them but we can not take more than 6 consecutive months of fertility meds without taking a break.  How long of a break?  I don't know.  That is actually a question that I forgot to ask.  If we continue with IUI#5 this month, that will be 5 consecutive months on fertility meds and since we will HAVE to sit out next month for a couple of months, I imagine that we will be good to go after that.  I did talk to them again about doing more than 3 rounds of IUI on Femara before doctor giving up on us and they again said that if we refused IVF that they imagined he would definitely let us do more IUI's.  They did say though that if we turn down IVF and continue with IUI, we may have to take a break just so that I am not taking fertility meds consecutively.  Fertility drugs can be bad for you and it does terify me of what I could be doing to my body but I am atleast a peace knowing that I was doing it for a good cause.  Anyways, The way I look at it is we have 6 vials.  Lets use all 6 vials and if we are still not pregnant, its time to move on to other things.  We have talked more lately about adoption as that has ALWAYS been a possibility but we just don't feel like we are quiet to that point yet. 

One other thing that we found out after talking to the doctors office today.  I will start by saying some of our vials were collected by the Sperm Bank in California (CCB from here on out) and the most recent were collected at our Fertility Center (NFC from here on out).  CCB does there sperm preservation and freezing differently than NFC does and the way NFC does it, we end up with more sperm count than what we do with CCB.  They explained to me why this was and it made perfect sense but is too difficult for me to explain.  In saying all of this, the most recent was done at NFC and has the best numbers but won't be ready for a few months.  We had briefly talked about maybe going ahead and taking a break until our good vials from NFC are ready and not even wasting the heartache and emotions on the CCB vial we have left until we have to use it.  We almost thought about saving it till very last and just making our next try an awesome try with NFC vials which means our next IUI would be in sometime late April or May.  We will just have to take the next couple of days to really make this decision.  As it appears now, we will most likely go ahead and use the CCB vial we have left this month but we will see.  We actually have 2 CCB vials left.  1 being decent and 1 being not so good at all so I keep saying 1 because I am depending on the decent one.

This may seem totally random but I feel as if it ties in with everything.  As we tested negative this morning, I couldn't help but to think about my sweet little niece that I will get to meet in April.  Thinking of little Miss Kellen makes me so happy.  I have had several people to ask "Are you happy for your sister?"  As I am getting asked that, I think how ridiculous of a question could someone ask.  Why in the world would I want my sister to experience and go through what me and Trent have had to go through?  Yes I am absolutely jealous of her but so very tickled to death for her.  I mean for goodness sake, I can't quit buying and making her things already.  Auntie Nay Nay is going to have little Miss Kellen spoiled rotten.  I had posted it on facebook but some may not have seen it and I just have to say it.  Everytime I talk to little Miss Kellen, she responds to me.  Everytime, she kicks her mommy.  She already loves her Auntie Nay Nay.

Speaking of things I have bought her, you gotta see my most recent.  I think it is just totally adorable and I love love love it.  I am so horrible at secrets and my sister already knows absolutely everything I have gotten her.  She won't have any surprises at her shower.  My most recent thing is onesies with stickers for each month 1-12 months.  You take their picture and see how much they have grew during the year.  Amber loves "Head Dressings" as she called it to me so I thought what not a better way to make little Miss Kellen even cuter than she will already be by adding cute little headbands and bows to each onesie.  Anyways, I have posted pictures of Months 1-9 and I have to get more onesies for months 10-12 then I will have to post pictures of them too.  (In some of the pictures, you can't tell how they match as well because some of them have small design in the back ground with color in it.  For instance, 2 Months has a purple bow but you can't really see purple in the sticker but it is there in small decoration.)

1-3 Months with matching headbands to take pictures in

4-6 Months with Matching Headbands to take pictures in.

7-9 Months with matching headbands to take pictures in

Just cute stuff I got little Miss Kellen.  The diaper cover
and headband are to take pictures in and then the
toboggan I just thought was too cute and had
to add a cute bow to it.

One thing I really really look forward to is our vacation this year.  We always start planning our yerly vacation at the first of the year and we need this vacation more than anything.  I absolutely can not wait to get away and relax and chill for a bit.

 

I want to end this blog by saying I am simply amazed at all the love, support and encouragement that we get from some friends and family during our hard times we are going through. It is so very difficult on the days that we get a negative but all the thoughtful comments definitely help to get me through it. Honestly, if it weren't for Trent, I would come close to giving up but other than Trent, I won't lie, we have had people to say that we are a testimony and an inspiration and that definitely helps to push me right along and helps me to realize each and every time that we absolutely CAN NOT give up.  Thank you so much to anyone who has offered encouraging words, thoughtfulness and prayers through all of my difficult infertility post.  You will never know how much it means to me and it definitely makes you realize who your true friends and family are.  I never imagined having such love and support by so many in such trying times.