Comparisons and Thoughts

Before I say anything concerning what this blog is about (other than the hint of the title), I want to start by saying in no way, shape, form or fashion am I trying to degrade what others go through with certain diseases they may battle.  The one disease you are going to see me mention in this blog is cancer and let me tell you upfront that I have the biggest heart for cancer patients and cancer absolutely scares the crap out of me because of Trent's strong family history of cancer.  Not boasting by any means just trying to get my point across that in no way am I trying to degrade other diseases but each year, we even donate to cancer funds and charities.  I have seen 2 too many people in Trent's family suffer and pass of cancer and it is a very difficult thing to watch someone suffer through.  So, while I am on the topic of 2 too many people in Trent's family passing from cancer, I want to take a second to remember them.

Trent's Uncle Kenny was honest to God, one of the most christ-like men
I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  He was the sweetest and
most kind hearted person anyone would ever want to meet and not to
mention he had a great sense of humor too.

Trent's Maw Maw Rhinehart was also a one of a kind woman.  She was
also so very sweet.  She always wanted me and Trent to get married and
unfortunately, she passed before we got married but we was able to do
something in memory of her at the wedding.

I often think of Trent's uncle and Maw Maw as I just loved the both of them dearly.  I honestly looked at them as if they were my own true relatives. 

Anyways, on to the blog of the day!  I am going to start by posting things and comments from others that I have read which to me in a sense made me feel a little better because it just reassures me I am not some kind of crazy person.  The journey of infertility will just simply make you that way.

So here it goes:
*Research has found that women experiencing infertility have emotional stress levels similar to cancer patients, as well as HIV patients and chronic pain patients.  ( I wanted to start with this as it will be the outline of the half of this blog).
*Infertility treatment, according to the statistics, is likely to cause anxiety and depression equivalent to that experienced by those with cancer or HIV/AIDS. With infertility there is guessing, hoping, and odds that are often different in theory than in practice. Infertility treatment takes a significant toll on your body, relationships and finances -- and it is up to each individual to determine when she can take no more. My suggestion on what to say when you learn that someone is suffering from infertility is very simple: If you find yourself at a loss what to say or an impulse to say any of the previous things that you shouldn't, just say a heartfelt "I'm sorry" -- that is plenty.
*(someone else said this in their blog, this is not talking about my blog)Which brings me to the topic of this blog  - the inability of those outside of the infertility experience to understand just how much emotional pain and stress is experienced when having a child of your own is next to, or actually, impossible.
*Saying that one is worse than the other is unfair. Both are entirely different medical conditions that put different things at risk. It would be nice, however, if infertile people received attention that’s comparable to what is given to cancer survivors.*I have had cancer and IF, and IF was worse for me! (IF = Infertility.  I also saw several people post that they have suffered with both and IF was worse.  This is just an example)
*I’m a childhood cancer survivor (was diagnosed at 9) and have been dealing with infertility as a result. I can tell you that for me, the infertility has brought back a lot of the feelings of helplessness that I had during cancer treatment as a kid. I can also tell you that I often feel alienated amongst groups of women, who all inevitably have tons of kids. This feels very similar to how I often felt left out at school when I was going through treatment.  For me, the infertility is completely connected and related to everything I’ve been through with cancer and yet another reason why I hate what I’ve had to go through. But none of the side effects or the treatment that I went through can compare to the emotional upheaval I have been through with infertility.
I’ve also found that it is much more difficult and private secret. There are few ways to hide cancer when you are going through it but nobody would know by looking at me the battle I’m currently facing. So infertility has been much more difficult for me in reality.
*How many of you can go through the feelings of death of a family member every single month? That’s what an infertile woman goes through, sometimes for many many years.
*I have dreamt of being a mother since I can remember. I have a huge family all of whom have multiple children. I do not socialize with any friends or family with children if I can help it.*I am a different person than I was three years ago. I cry all the time now — whereas before I was pretty unshakable. My whole family knows about my infertility, and so do many of my friends, but no one understands the “etiquette” that to me seems like it ought to be common sense. For example: telling an infertile woman about your own pregnancy details or talking about someone else’s pregnancy, or baby, is excruciating. It’s like punching her in the throat. I feel this feeling everyday when someone says something well-meaning yet caustic.

Something else I saw several people mentioning which to me shows the severity of stress and depression that infertility can cause, is the mention of suicide.  Several people have said they think about it all the time or I even saw a one say she attempted to hang herself but by the Grace of God the rope snapped so she was unsuccessful.  Now, I can NEVER say that I have EVER considered that.  I have WAY too much to live for.  Yes, it is very saddening and depressing at times to know that I am still childless and may be for the rest of my life however, I have an amazing husband that is there with me and for me the whole way through.  If I had to live just me and him for the rest of my life, that would be ok too.  As hard as it is to know that God has not blessed us with a child, I have to Praise God for his works in my life and giving me one heck of an awesome man that I never in a million years imagined I would ever have.  Thank God for his plans and blessings on my life. 

This next one I think is a nice way to compare things that are said to someone who is infertile however would NEVER be said to someone suffering cancer.
*“Relax, just stop thinking about it.” Does a doctor tell a patient with a hernia or heart problems or
cancer to stop thinking about it? I think not. Infertility is no different from any other medical conditions, there is usually a medical explanation.

One last thing that I will post from someone else and then I will move on to my thoughts.
*I recently had a conversation with two friends of mine (who happen to be infertile) about why others cannot seem to grasp the gravity of infertility. Many people in the infertile world often compare infertility to cancer because everyone seems to be able to empathize with cancer patients, however very few are able to empathize with infertility patients.
People seem to think it's ok to jokingly offer an infertile person their children. This is not appropriate. "Oh you can't have kids? ha ha ha, you can have mine! ha ha ha." This is neither appropriate nor funny to someone suffering from infertility.
People would never dream of joking with a breast cancer patient by offering them a boob. Not appropriate, not funny.
But people continue to offer us their kids, and I continue to respond by saying "I'll take them."
My friend recently said: I was thinking of other examples [besides cancer].... Like dismemberment, loss of a child (which clearly relates). As for empathy, I think people see childbearing as a right or something only for those so approved... I have been told many times that this shows I should not have kids because there is clearly something wrong with me. People see infertiles as second class, so there is no need to empathize.
My other friend said:Would you tell a person with lymphoma that God didn't mean for him to live long and he should just accept it?
We think not, so why, why, WHY is it ok to tell infertiles that they weren't meant to have children, weren't meant to be parents, that things have worked out for the best?
Unacceptable.
When we use cancer as an example (and I am not alone in this), we are not trying to belittle cancer patients, we are trying to raise awareness of infertility and it's gravity in order to help others understand.

Me talking now:  These are just a few small examples of what infertile people hear that would never be said to a cancer patient.  Another one that really gets me that someone would NEVER say to a cancer patient is "This is God's will for you"  Would you ever tell a cancer pt it was God's will for them to get cancer?  Absolutely not therefore, it is not appropriate to tell an infertile person that it is God's will for them not to have a child.  Now, I do believe all of this is in God's miraculous plan for us however, I will never be convinced it is God's will for us to not have a child.  My husband brings tears to my eyes watching him with Kellen.  Just yesterday when we left Manchester, I cried on my way home just because of how it still hurts at times to see Kellen and what hurts even more than that is seeing Trent with her.  How can he not deserve a child?  I have never in my life seen a man so good with babies/kids as what he is.  When she cries, he doesn't care, he still loves on her and doesn't want to give her up to anyone.  Usually most men would be passing the baby up as soon as it starts crying.  Not him, it drives him crazy when people ask to take her when she is crying.  Her crying doesn't phase him at all. 

Here is just a sweet picture that I feel the need to post at this time.

This to me is just so picture perfect.

Kellen is such a PoPo's girl.  In the past, she has cried when I took her from Trent and when I gave her back, she quit crying and smiled.  Well, yesterday, mom took Kellen from him and she had a fit and then mom gave her back and she settled down.  She loves her Uncle PoPo so much already and it just melts my heart. 

Amongst me crying yesterday about seeing Trent with Kellen, it was just a combination of other things.  1) the whole insensitivity to infertility when others have so much sympathy through their diseases.  Yes infertility is a disease and it deserves just as much acknowledgement as any other disease.  I explained it to Trent yesterday like this.  Infertility is just the red headed step child of diseases and no one really cares about it.  Most people can have children on their own therefore, no one cares about the suffering and difficulties of infertility  2) lately, I have had a couple of people who have not really supported us or said anything to us about our infertility to text me wanting something then ask how we were.  If the only reason you are asking me how we are is to get something out of me, don't ask about us period.  I would rather you never ask about us than to play it off like you care just to get something out of us.  Sorry I am a little blunt here but just speaking my emotions.  3) I have had it weighing on me lately about infertility and the awareness/charities for it.  4) Feeling as if some people are judgemental

This next comment is also one that I have read from someone else
*I feel strongly that we as infertility sufferers, should be publicly supported the same way that any group is recognized, and I believe that it is our responsibility as infertile women to get that word out there and ask for the support

As I post this previous comment, it is just a part of what I have had weighing on me so much lately.  There are so many charities out there for so much stuff however, you really don't see charities out there for infertility.  I have said many many times before that me and Trent are not rich by no means but I can only give all the Glory to God that we have been able to pay for what we have went through.  I am going to be totally blunt at this point.  We have now spent over $15,000 and have not once asked for any help from anyone.  This is a journey that we have had to embrace and struggle through.  As we struggle through this financial burden, I again can't help but to Thank God that we have been able to do what we have up to this point and are still not done spending money on it.  In saying all of this, I 100% realize that there are people out there in our same situation and my heart crushes for them knowing that there is no way possible for some to be able to even have a chance on creating life for themselves.  If me and Trent run out of vials and are still not pregnant, we can still Praise God for the fact of knowing that we had the financial ability to pay for it and at least give it a try.  If we run out of vials and still don't end up pregnant, at least we can feel good knowing that we gave it our all and done absolutely everything possible withing our financial means to have a child.  Now, on to the point in saying all of this.  I would have no clue where to start and how I would even do it.  I honestly don't know that it would ever happen but I would love nothing more than to be able to help others out through their journeys as we have struggled and know what it is like.  I wish that I could start some type of Infertility Charity to help some striving couples out to try and achieve their dreams.  You might say, why would we do this when we have paid so much ourselves but again, I say we would do this because I thank God that we have been able to do this.  Yes, extra money would be nice for us however, we are grown adults and have worked through this hardship to the best of our abilities and would never throw ourselves or ask someone to throw us a "fundraiser" or something to that extent.  My sister brought up a great point that if we were to start some type of infertility charity to help others maybe we could do 5k's or something.  We could do one 5k in Manchester and one 5k in Lawrenceburg each year and that would help to bring in some money to help others out.  From that point, we could do applications or interview people or what not to decide on which ones that would truly need the help.  I am a believer that you experience things in life so that you can help others to overcome the same thing that you have experienced in life.  If I could help just 1 person through our journey and our experiences, that would make me very happy.  I would love nothing more than to help others even if not financially but emotionally through such a horrible trying journey that we have been faced with.  Again, I don't know that my charity idea would every work but it is just a thought I have had lately.

One other thing I have struggle with is feeling like maybe some people are judgemental of us not understanding what we are going through and our emotions.  Don't understand why we act the way we do, say the things we do, why we have ups and downs etc.  Because of this, I was telling Trent that sometimes this is the reason I feel like blogging might hurt me because it could make people more judgemental but on the same hand, I feel I am doing an injustice to those who love us and do truly support us through this journey we are on if I didn't blog.  So in saying that, I again want to say Thank You so very much to our loyal supporters who keep me thriving and keep me blogging.  It does make me feel better to blog but again, I can see how it can make some people be judgemental of us. 

In ending this blog, just an update on this cycle.  I started my meds on Thursday and will be taking the last dose of it tomorrow and to this point, I haven't noticed any side effects.  We was very concerned about this with the increased dose but so far, so good.  I may have had 1 or 2 hot flashes but they weren't bad so I can't complain.  On Friday, we will be going in for our ultrasound and we are praying for 17 eggs.  lol.  I don't know why I keep using this number but that's what I keep saying.  We are praying for several eggs though in hopes that this will really help us out.  Again, if everything is good Friday, Saturday will be IUI and we will test on the 26th.

 Anyways, this has just been some of my thoughts lately and I wanted to share with everyone.  I hope everyone is doing well.