Failure = On to Injections

Welp, Sunday was the day and of course we got the same answer that we always have.  Of course, the test was negative.  What more do I really expect?  Absolutely nothing more than what we have always gotten.

I will say, we feel so much better today than we have but I will back up and give a little bit of what we have been going through lately and then give a slight insight on to why today is so much better.

Last week, I struggled quiet a bit. I was just in a huge funk and couldn't snap out of it. I was at work and cried like the biggest baby. Thank God I was there alone so it didn't matter how much I cried and screamed out in anger. I came home that night and crashed around 8:30 and slept so good until about 1am and then I woke up and had another crying fit. Woke out of a dead sleep. Couldn't go back to sleep so my emotions then started running wild. Trent was home with me that night so he came in there and cuddled with me and of course like the wonderful person he is just held me and let me cry. We talked about it, cried, talked about it, cried, and then finally around 3:30am, I was able to go back to sleep for a couple of hours before I had to get up and get ready for work. Now I will back up to just a day or 2 before my crazy outbreak of crying. Me and Trent was in the best mood. Running around the house acting crazy, laughing and having a good ol time. If people could truly see what we are like together, they would think we truly needed to be checked into a crazy home together. I think this is part of what gives us such a great marriage. Being ourselves. Acting crazy. And not caring what the other one thinks of one another. I had said to Trent "are we sure we need a child? We are pretty immature ourselves. (Joking of course)" He replied "Yep, we aren't immature, we just like to have fun." I am so happy and blessed to have Trent and know that we can cut up and have a good time with each other. Now, back to my crying spell night. While I was so upset in the middle of the night I had asked Trent "Anyone else I feel like would say yes if they really knew how I was but they don't see our home life and how wonderful it is and how crazy we are running around acting crazy and just being us but do you think I am clinically depressed?" I am not too good to admit that I have a problem and if my problem is seriously that bad, I am more than willing to do something about it. I don't want to go to the doctor and be put on meds but if that is what I needed, I am willing to accept that. Trent said he didn't think I was depressed that I am a happy person but it is just that one thing that can always get to me. I was glad to hear that the one person that knows me better than anyone and the one person that sees the absolute most mental side of me doesn't think that I am depressed and need meds. Well, the next morning, I thought I would talk to the 2nd person who would know me better than anyone and that is my mom. I had called her because she knew about my fit during the day at work and was actually a part of my fit as I had talked to her on the phone during that time so I was also talking to her about my crying spell in the middle of the night. I had also asked her if she thought I was "clinically depressed". She also agreed that I was not clinically depressed and said that anyone who knows me would know that I am not depressed. She continued on to say basically the same thing Trent said. I am a happy person and it is just that one topic that can make me hit rock bottom quick. She said she understood because I was SO PASSIONATE about it but on the same hand, she felt like maybe I was starting to let it affect me and the way I am with others. She said it bothers her because I have never been the type to be towards others as I am now. She then said that since I wanted her to be honest with me that she was going to be honest. She by no means thought I needed to go to the doctor for depression but she did think maybe I should see a counselor. Talk to an outsider that doesn't know me or anyone else that I know therefore, no sides could be taken and it would be a great way for me to get things out. As my mom said, I have always been very vocal with what we are going through which is great because I have learnt that I can't bottle it up but it would probably be good if I could see a counselor that could help me reason with things. I do think my mom may be right in that suggestion. Again, I am not too good to admit that I have a problem. I know I have a problem and sometimes, it is a HUGE problem that I just don't know how to handle and how to deal with. But again, if some people was in our shoes, maybe they would understand. We have been dealing with alot lately. We are honest to God to the point that we don't know if we will EVER have a child. No one understands that. I can say until I am blue in the face that I don't know how we will afford adoption but people will still ask if we are going to adopt. Yeah we would but who's gonna pay for it? Where are we going to get the money? At $15,000 already spent and who knows how much for this cycle (more on that later), I honest to God don't know if we can adopt. If we don't get pregnant, I don't know that we will EVER be parents. If an adoption fell into our laps, we would do everything in our power to make it work. Yes, we will most likely be taking out a loan for adoption but who do I know that can say they spent $30,000 - $40,000 just to get a child into this world? Until you have been in that position that you believe you will NEVER have a child, its easy to wonder why someone acts the way they do. We still struggle daily with why do we not deserve to be parents. We struggle now more than ever wondering that as we honest to God don't know if we ever will be. We are willing to do whatever it takes to make us parents but you can only do what you can only do and I pray that God will just bless us in ways that we never expect. Anyways, I got off on a tangent there but something my mom also recommended was that I do join the infertility support group. That group only meets on the first Tuesday of every month so I still do plan on going next week but I can't promise anything since this month is going to be so horribly hectic as it is. More to come on that below. Another thing I have been struggling with is our childs bedtime story. Call this ridiculous if you may but I have even got to the point to where I grieve the fact that we may never be able to read our child the bedtime story that I wrote for our child. If we adopt, I can't use the bedtime story. The story I have wrote is VERY specific to what we are going through now and the route we have taken to get pregnant. I want nothing more than to tell our child its story on how it became who he or she is. Its story will be VERY different from the normal but I can't wait to make my child feel like it is absolutely the most normal thing ever. I can't wait for my child to realize just how much he or she was wanted and how much trouble mommy and daddy went through to get it here.

We have really been struggling lately because we have spent $15,000 already and was told 1 injection cycle would range from $2,000 - $3,000. WOW! By the time this cycle was over, we would be dang near $18,000 if not more. Because of this, we had decided that even if our numbers was good in the one vial, we would go ahead and use both vials that we had left and just make this our last chance. It was tough knowing this was it but we were both more than ready for it to all be done and over with. Trent was more done now than he has ever been. I have never heard or seen him the way he has been lately. He has always been the one to get mad at me when I have said I was done but at this point, we have both agreed we are just done and ready for it to all be over with. Again, if it's not meant to be then we are ready to grieve it and try to see whats next. Again, we have been struggling alot lately of the fact that we wonder if we will ever be parents. It is so hard to understand why we have been put through this test. Yesterday, Trent said "Life is like a bully holding a magnifying glass to us and trying to burn us like ants" I died hysterically laughing. I don't know how he comes up with some of the stuff he says but he is just too funny.

After the negative on Sunday, me and Trent had talked about if we would go back this cycle or wait and we again agreed we just wanted to get it done and over with. We knew this cycle we would be moved to injections and before doing injections, you have to take a class that is only offered on Tuesdays therefore, if I started before the next Tuesday, we would have to skip a month. Due to not wanting to skip a month, I went ahead and called the fertility center yesterday even though I haven't started yet and got everything set up and ready to go for this cycle to start. They scheduled us for the injection class today and we went to it. I was not hopeful and not excited for today at all. Neither was Trent. We have both just really been struggling with the expense of it all. Well, I will say today went MUCH better than expected. We have chose not to go into huge detail on why it was so great but without going into all details, I will sum it up. First of all, we got called back into the "conference room". Luckily, we were the only couple in the class today so it wasn't too bad and we got some one on one attention. She basically just showed us how to work the shot, get the right dosage, and how to give it. There really isn't anything to it. I will be on the shots for 7-11 days as to where the pills I only took them for 5 days. Since I haven't started my period yet, they are hopeful I am pregnant now but I did tell them I felt it coming on and I really thought I would start soon. With my cycles, I am guessing I will start somewhere around Thursday. They said they wouldn't totally rule out pregnancy at this point. I took a test Sunday and it was negative. I took a test again today before going up there and it was negative again. Again, I really feel like it is coming on but it just hasn't yet. I am saying I am not pregnant but if it ends up that I am, it will be the greatest surprise of our lives since I have already gotten 2 negatives. Anyways, we now wait on me to start. As I have said before, when on injections, you have to be monitored MUCH more closely than on pills so this cycle will be hectic with numerous trips to Nashville within 2 weeks. Once I start, we will go in for an "initial ultrasound and blood work". On cycle day 3 or 4 (depending when I start) I will start the injections. 4-5 days after starting injections, I will go back in for another ultrasound and blood work. At that point, my body should really start responding therefore from that point on, I will be returning to the fertility center every 2 to 3 days for ultrasounds and more bloodwork until time for the trigger shot and then we will have the IUI. All in all, I will probably be making 4 - 5 trips to Nashville for this cycle. They said with the pills, they can usually say you will have IUI around cycle day 14 however with injections, everything is a day to day basis and there is really no way to say what cycle day IUI may fall on. This cycle is going to be really odd but I am really looking forward to it and hope and pray this cycle brings us our little miracle child. After going over all the previous with us, all I can say is God really reached his hand down and blessed us in the greatest way possible. When we got some WONDERFUL news, I immediately started crying. I knew at that exact moment, God had his hand in everything. God is watching out for us. That is difficult for me to say because I have started saying if God is really watching out for us then why has he not allowed us to become pregnant yet? Why would he make it possible that we may never be parents? But I can honest to God say that I think God was looking over us today. I think today he has his hand in this more than EVER before. We just pray that God will bless us through these injections with that sweet little child we have so longed and prayed for. Anyways, with saying this, they said that this could potentially help our chances and increase chances up to 10% better than with fertility pills such as the Clomid or Femara I was on previously. They said that they will be looking for 2 to 3 good follicles which kind of upsets me. I am really hoping for about 5 good follicles but on the same hand I understand that injections can be dangerous and if I am overstimulated, it could hospitalize me and be bad. They also said that if I do get overstimulated and pregnant at the same time, pregnancy can make over stimulation worse and more dangerous so that is the main reason I am monitored so closely. I am also monitored so closely so that they can tell me whether to keep my shot dosage the same or whether to increase or decrease it. By monitoring me so closely, they can try to help control me to not getting overstimulated. They also said that doing injections runs more of a risk of multiples than the normal fertility pills. They said it is VERY unlikely that we would end up with something more than triplets but she did warn us that if we ended up with quads or quints that the doctor would possibly approach us about "terminating" some of them. We told her absolutely not. There is no way regardless of how many we end up with will we EVER abort one of our babies. Whatever God blesses us with at this point is absolutely meant to be. She said one way that the doctor really may be serious about "terminating" one or two or however many is if they were causing complications to the other healthy ones. For instance if one or two were to implant in the cervix instead of the uterus which would cause dilation and cause miscarriages itself. In that case, he would really want to try to terminate something that would cause a problem with the healthy babies. I guess in that case I can almost understand but I can't imagine in anyway having to abort our child that we have tried so hard for.

The picture below is what an infertiles counter looks like on injection meds. Below is my Follistim Pen, some needles, 3 boxes of injections, Follistim information, and Pharmacy information. Walgreens has a "Compassionate Fertility Expertise" program to help people with the expenses of injections. Even at that, the injections alone still cost approx $1,200 on the low end. Not included in this picture is my Ovidrel shot (to trigger ovulation) and my Progesterone supplement. I have never had to take Progesterone supplements before however, once you are placed on fertility shots, they make you take Progesterone supplements after the shots and IUI.

All I can say is this round of IUI should be quiet interesting. I am very anxious and can finally say I am VERY excited about this cycle of IUI and can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Based on the good news we received today which I am not sharing, we are now thinking we will give ourselves two more tries instead of just 1 if the numbers in the vial this cycle is good. We are really hoping that the injections does the trick. I actually pray the numbers in the vial this month are well enough for us to break it up into two more tries instead of just one. I actually know someone who has had 3 pregnancies, used my doctor and could not get pregnant until she switched to injections. Everyone of her pregnancies were results of injections and IUI. This gives us so much hope that maybe just maybe injections will give us our sweet little blessing from above.

Summing all of this up, we have both really struggled lately and due to my struggles, I made the decision last week to deactivate my facebook for a while so that I didn't have to have constant reminders of what we don't have. I think starting with deleting the facebook for now was a great place to start in some of my healing process. I will continue to update everyone on the blog as much as possible and hope I didn't lose too many viewers by deactivating facebook. For the most part, I think my viewers will continue to come see the blog the only thing is they don't know now when it is updated, they will just have to randomly check but that is ok to. Again, I think this was for my best interest to keep me from constantly having reminders of what everyone else has that we don't. Since this cycle will be so crazy, I will try to update everyone as much as possible especially since we at this point are totally clueless when IUI will actually be. I guess this whole cycle will just be a lets wait and see what happens game. Should be interesting to say the least. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we get ready to face this month. I know God has an amazing plan hiding for us we just can't wait to see what it actually is. I pray God has blessed us in such huge ways today to prepare us for all the good to come. I don't understand how God can allow such wonderful things to happen if it is just not meant to be. Wishing and hoping and praying God will provide.