Well, today did not go as expected. Even though I detected ovulation last night, we still had the ultrasound just to be on the safe side. It was a good thing we did because I had not actually ovulated yet. They said it probably detected an ovulation surge because I am so close to ovulation but not quiet yet. They said of course the ovulation test is not 100% accurate but it is definitely something good to use especially over the weekends to make sure we don't miss anything.
Anyways, the ultrasound showed that we only had 1 good egg follicle this time. Again, they look for the follicles to be at least 18mm and the good one was measuring in at 24.5mm therefore it was a pretty good sized one. We are a little nervous saying that last time we had 3 good eggs but we are feeling pretty good about it at the same time since it is a pretty big one. They made it sound like I had a couple more follicles however they were all small and no where near big enough to even count.
Today, I got the HSG trigger shot Ovidrel and tomorrow, we will return for the IUI. This morning, we were so excited because we thought we were going to have it done today. We CAN'T WAIT for tomorrow, we are so excited to be getting to try it again.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
We will update everyone again tomorrow on how everything goes then.
Don't forget, tomorrow I will also be starting the 25 days of posting something we are thankful for.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Whoa, SUDDEN SHOCKER!!!
Oh my gosh, my heart is beating out of my chest right now. I don't think I really expressed this during the last IUI but I was concerned that maybe we did not time IUI just right with my ovulation. I was taking ovulation test and they always showed negative before our appointments which was fine since they would give me the shot to trigger ovulation. I have always read you should do the IUI about 24-36 hours after the trigger shot and 36 hours being most optimal. Well, for the last IUI, it was right at 24-25 hours later so this time, we wanted to try to schedule our appointment a little further out so that it would give us a couple more hours in between to hopefully be at a more prime time.
The reason my heart is just beating out of my chest right now is because, I AM ONE HAPPY GIRL!!! For the past 4 days, I have been using the at home ovulation detecting kits and I have been getting this.
Well, tonight, I got this
I could not believe what I was seeing and I looked at the test 20 times to make sure it was really a smiley face. I couldn't believe it so much that I had to take 2 just to make sure I was really ovulating. Oh geez, I can't imagine how many test will be taken to make sure I am pregnant if I took 2 just to make sure I was ovulating. lol. The thing is during the last cycle, we done the ultrasound to check follicles on CD13 and IUI on CD14 but this time, since CD13 fell on a Sunday, we had to do the ultrasound to check for follicles on CD14 which should have put the IUI on CD15. Well, I guess that 1 extra day was just enough to let my body ovulate on its own without the trigger shot. I was honestly scared to ovulate before my appointment for ultrasound but saying that I did ovulate on Sunday instead of Saturday, I am so tickled to death knowing that tomorrow will be an EGGS-cellant day for IUI.
We were originally scheduled tomorrow morning just to have ultrasound and get the trigger injection if everything looked good however, I am most certain that they will be doing IUI # 2 tomorrow since I have ovulated on my own. I do wonder though if they will be able to tell size of my eggs now that I have actually ovulated on my own. I am thinking they may still be able to tell us how many we have but probably won't be able to tell us size. I guess tomorrow shall be full of surprises.
Knowing that I got this smiley face and I ovulated on my own takes away ALL fears of not timing it right during this IUI because tomorrow will be our absolute most fertile day therefore, I do not see a reason that they wouldn't do the IUI.
We just may have a little spook baby after all.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as this is a HUGE SHOCKER and so VERY UNEXPECTED to us that we would most likely have IUI tomorrow. We were not prepared for that at all because it will be different from last procedure but we are definitely ready and can't wait. We are just praying that tomorrow will be our SUCCESSFUL IUI.
Stay tuned tomorrow for more updates and for us to let ya know if we actually have it then or not. Again, I don't see ANY reason at all that they won't do it tomorrow.
The reason my heart is just beating out of my chest right now is because, I AM ONE HAPPY GIRL!!! For the past 4 days, I have been using the at home ovulation detecting kits and I have been getting this.
 |
| A circle means you are not ovulating. |
 |
| A smiley face means that ovulation has been detected. |
We were originally scheduled tomorrow morning just to have ultrasound and get the trigger injection if everything looked good however, I am most certain that they will be doing IUI # 2 tomorrow since I have ovulated on my own. I do wonder though if they will be able to tell size of my eggs now that I have actually ovulated on my own. I am thinking they may still be able to tell us how many we have but probably won't be able to tell us size. I guess tomorrow shall be full of surprises.
Knowing that I got this smiley face and I ovulated on my own takes away ALL fears of not timing it right during this IUI because tomorrow will be our absolute most fertile day therefore, I do not see a reason that they wouldn't do the IUI.
We just may have a little spook baby after all.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers as this is a HUGE SHOCKER and so VERY UNEXPECTED to us that we would most likely have IUI tomorrow. We were not prepared for that at all because it will be different from last procedure but we are definitely ready and can't wait. We are just praying that tomorrow will be our SUCCESSFUL IUI.
Stay tuned tomorrow for more updates and for us to let ya know if we actually have it then or not. Again, I don't see ANY reason at all that they won't do it tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I have been debating if I should post this or not. I typed it up a week or so ago just haven't posted it because I wasn't sure if I should. As this was just brought up today, I am feeling the need now more than ever to post it.
PLEASE READ THE FULL BLOG AS IT WILL PROBABLY GIVE MOST AN INSIGHT ON OUR JOURNEY THAT MANY PROBABLY DID NOT KNOW ABOUT.
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice". We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility."
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
That was something that I found on an infertility board. Now on to what I have to say about all of this, "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," NO, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN WITH US!!! With our situation, it is LITERALLY, physically IMPOSSIBLE that this happen unless God works one heck of a miraculous miracle. "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." I will NEVER believe this because we WILL have a child even if it means through adoption. Let me sum it all up for those of you who may not have been reading the blog a little over a year ago when I first started talking about our situation. Trent was born with a congenital absence of the Vas. For any of those who do not know what that is, the Vas is the tube that carries sperm outside the body. Without a Vas, there is ZERO sperm.
HEADS UP: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER CAME OUT AND SAID IT ON THE BLOG SO MANY OF YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT AWARE OF WHAT I AM FIXING TO SAY!!! It is only by the Grace of God and a HUGE THANK YOU to a VERY SPECIAL and VERY SELFLESS person who is our SPERM DONOR and has made all of this possible for me and my wonderful hubby. Our baby will be one VERY Special little miracle blessing in our lives and our families lives which we absolutely CAN NOT wait to welcome into this world.
So now, as those of you who didn't know, now know, our situation is VERY SPECIAL and has been very tough. Now knowing our situation, you may understand a little more why I have always said I think there is different types of infertility and infertility on different levels. Again, that doesn't make it any easier or less emotional for the different types of infertility but definitely puts a different spin on things to where many will never truly understand our situation.
Ok, on a HAPPY note now, we found out the other day that our insurance actually paid something at the fertility center therefore we have a $220 credit that will be applied towards this next procedure and that also means that we will save $220 this go around also for a total of $440 savings.
OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!! We were so very grateful for this saving as this journey has been a very pricey journey. Our child won't be worth a nickel, it will be worth THOUSANDS!!!
Again, I say a HUGE Thank You to all the family and friends who have been so very supportive to us through this whole journey. WE LOVE YOU ALL!!!
PLEASE READ THE FULL BLOG AS IT WILL PROBABLY GIVE MOST AN INSIGHT ON OUR JOURNEY THAT MANY PROBABLY DID NOT KNOW ABOUT.
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice". We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility."
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
That was something that I found on an infertility board. Now on to what I have to say about all of this, "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," NO, THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN WITH US!!! With our situation, it is LITERALLY, physically IMPOSSIBLE that this happen unless God works one heck of a miraculous miracle. "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." I will NEVER believe this because we WILL have a child even if it means through adoption. Let me sum it all up for those of you who may not have been reading the blog a little over a year ago when I first started talking about our situation. Trent was born with a congenital absence of the Vas. For any of those who do not know what that is, the Vas is the tube that carries sperm outside the body. Without a Vas, there is ZERO sperm.
HEADS UP: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER CAME OUT AND SAID IT ON THE BLOG SO MANY OF YOU ARE MOST LIKELY NOT AWARE OF WHAT I AM FIXING TO SAY!!! It is only by the Grace of God and a HUGE THANK YOU to a VERY SPECIAL and VERY SELFLESS person who is our SPERM DONOR and has made all of this possible for me and my wonderful hubby. Our baby will be one VERY Special little miracle blessing in our lives and our families lives which we absolutely CAN NOT wait to welcome into this world.
So now, as those of you who didn't know, now know, our situation is VERY SPECIAL and has been very tough. Now knowing our situation, you may understand a little more why I have always said I think there is different types of infertility and infertility on different levels. Again, that doesn't make it any easier or less emotional for the different types of infertility but definitely puts a different spin on things to where many will never truly understand our situation.
Ok, on a HAPPY note now, we found out the other day that our insurance actually paid something at the fertility center therefore we have a $220 credit that will be applied towards this next procedure and that also means that we will save $220 this go around also for a total of $440 savings.
OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!! We were so very grateful for this saving as this journey has been a very pricey journey. Our child won't be worth a nickel, it will be worth THOUSANDS!!!
Again, I say a HUGE Thank You to all the family and friends who have been so very supportive to us through this whole journey. WE LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Monday, October 24, 2011
1 Week away from Ultrasound and IUI # 2
God will make a wayWhere there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
God will absolutely make a way where there seems to be no way. A little over a year ago, we thought there was no way we were going to be able to have a child of our own and to be able to experience pregnancy but only by the Grace of God are we able to do what we are doing and we are so very grateful that God opened a door for us to make experiencing pregnancy and parenthood possible. Some have made comments that appear that they don't know in what route we have took or in what lengths we have had to go through to make this all work. Yes, we have been pretty private to most in what direction we have went but I can assure you, our child is going to be one very special little miracle blessing from the good Lord above. We have definitely not went the normal way in which I am sure some are thinking but that is ok, that is what makes our situation so very different from so many and that is what is going to make our baby so very special.
We are now 1 week away from our 2nd IUI. I can't say that as of a few days ago that I was even looking forward to it (just because it seems so emotionally draining) but as time approaches, I am getting more and more excited. I just keep remembering in my head "The greater the risk, the greater the reward" (Thanks to my daddy for giving me that saying right before our 1st IUI). We just know the day we find out we are finally expecting our little Miracle that it will be the best day of our lives until the day that sweet little blessing meets us in this world. The biggest part I dread is the 2WW again. That I believe was the hardest part of it all. I honestly feel the 2WW was even worse than getting the negative test result.
If you will remember, the last round of Clomid caused horrendous hot flashes and 2 headaches one being pretty severe. Well, this round of Clomid seems to not be affecting me much at all. I had 1 headache and that seems to be it. No true hot flashes that I have felt so far and today (Monday) is my last day of the Clomid so it appears that this month on it has been easy breezy. I have never felt it before and I just assume it is because Clomid is working my ovaries more than normal but every since last month, I feel discomfort in my lower pelvic (ovary) area. Its not severe by no means but it is uncomfortable. Seems like today when I am walking, all the time but especially longer strides, I can really feel my left side feeling uncomfortable. Clomid can cause ovarian cyst so I just pray that does not happen since I have had one before and it is pretty painful and I have heard that they may put IUI off if you have a cyst especially if it is a larger one so I really pray that does not happen. I guess we will be able to see that when we do ultrasound in a week. If they don't see anything like that, I may just let them know about the discomfort just to make sure it isn't ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome or anything like that since both medications I am on can cause that. Again, I do just assume my body is being overworked more than normal with the medications. I really don't forsee it being anything major.
I think I have already said it so I may be repeating myself but we go in for the Ultrasound a week from today on Monday October 31st and if everything looks great then, I will get the HCG trigger shot and then we will return on Tuesday November 1st for the IUI.
I am sure I probably won't be updating until next Monday after the doctor so STAY TUNED for hopefully some good news on some good Eggies! lol.
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
God will absolutely make a way where there seems to be no way. A little over a year ago, we thought there was no way we were going to be able to have a child of our own and to be able to experience pregnancy but only by the Grace of God are we able to do what we are doing and we are so very grateful that God opened a door for us to make experiencing pregnancy and parenthood possible. Some have made comments that appear that they don't know in what route we have took or in what lengths we have had to go through to make this all work. Yes, we have been pretty private to most in what direction we have went but I can assure you, our child is going to be one very special little miracle blessing from the good Lord above. We have definitely not went the normal way in which I am sure some are thinking but that is ok, that is what makes our situation so very different from so many and that is what is going to make our baby so very special.
We are now 1 week away from our 2nd IUI. I can't say that as of a few days ago that I was even looking forward to it (just because it seems so emotionally draining) but as time approaches, I am getting more and more excited. I just keep remembering in my head "The greater the risk, the greater the reward" (Thanks to my daddy for giving me that saying right before our 1st IUI). We just know the day we find out we are finally expecting our little Miracle that it will be the best day of our lives until the day that sweet little blessing meets us in this world. The biggest part I dread is the 2WW again. That I believe was the hardest part of it all. I honestly feel the 2WW was even worse than getting the negative test result.
If you will remember, the last round of Clomid caused horrendous hot flashes and 2 headaches one being pretty severe. Well, this round of Clomid seems to not be affecting me much at all. I had 1 headache and that seems to be it. No true hot flashes that I have felt so far and today (Monday) is my last day of the Clomid so it appears that this month on it has been easy breezy. I have never felt it before and I just assume it is because Clomid is working my ovaries more than normal but every since last month, I feel discomfort in my lower pelvic (ovary) area. Its not severe by no means but it is uncomfortable. Seems like today when I am walking, all the time but especially longer strides, I can really feel my left side feeling uncomfortable. Clomid can cause ovarian cyst so I just pray that does not happen since I have had one before and it is pretty painful and I have heard that they may put IUI off if you have a cyst especially if it is a larger one so I really pray that does not happen. I guess we will be able to see that when we do ultrasound in a week. If they don't see anything like that, I may just let them know about the discomfort just to make sure it isn't ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome or anything like that since both medications I am on can cause that. Again, I do just assume my body is being overworked more than normal with the medications. I really don't forsee it being anything major.
I think I have already said it so I may be repeating myself but we go in for the Ultrasound a week from today on Monday October 31st and if everything looks great then, I will get the HCG trigger shot and then we will return on Tuesday November 1st for the IUI.
I am sure I probably won't be updating until next Monday after the doctor so STAY TUNED for hopefully some good news on some good Eggies! lol.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Why do I always post the Bad and not the Good?
Well, for starters, I post the bad because I don't like just venting to poor Trent because he is so supportive and positive that I don't want to drag him down with me when I have my weak moments. I don't always post the good because when things are so great, I don't take time away from the greatness to blog about it.
I will say again that we have handled the negative result much MUCH better than I ever thought we would but I think its only natural to have weak moments and last night was one of those for me. I often think maybe I shouldn't blog the negative depressing things however, it is life and it is what is happening in our life. Also as someone else has said to me, "I know everyone wants to be a part of this journey with you so its a great way to keep everyone updated" I know people have been asking family how we are doing and I just find it easiest to update everyone here as sometimes it is difficult for me to actually talk about and I must say it did help me to feel much better last night after blogging and getting it out.
Anyways, to some POSITIVES.
*I don't know how many times I have said it but, IF it was possible to make me and Trent closer, infertility done it. We are so strong and so close. Our marriage will NEVER cease to amaze me.
*When you are put through life trials, it will bring out the true person in you, I believe with all my heart that this journey has made us bigger and better people for what we have been through and accomplished. (and still trying to accomplish as we go)
*It has brought us closer to God. Yes, we still question things but we KNOW Our God is in Control and has one heck of an amazing plan for our lives and our family.
*(WELL, I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT HERE. I think since November is Thanksgiving, at the beginning of November, I will give 1 thing daily that we are thankful and grateful for just to show that we truly are blessed and to bring some positivity)
I want to end with 2 stories of my hubby. The first being such a sweet story of my hubby and a little girl. Trent went to school with this woman who has a little 4 year old girl which was hating going to Pre K and crying each day when her mom dropped her off. Trent ran into the girl he went to school with a couple weeks ago and she asked Trent to come talk to her little girl and explain to her why it was a good thing to go to school. A couple nights later while Trent was working, he went to talk to the little girl. After he got done talking to her, he told her if she would promise to go to school and make new friends and like it that he had something for her. He took her out to his patrol car and gave her a stuffed animal. Later that night, the mom sent Trent 2 pictures. One of her with the stuffed animal and the second one of the little girl how she slept holding that stuffed animal that night. I just love how Trent gives out stuffed animals to the kids. I think it is so precious. Well, this week, the mom had sent me a message and wanted me to relay it to Trent that the little girl now wants Trent to come to her school and eat lunch with her because she has told all her friends at school about her friend Trent the cop. The mom also said she was doing much better in school and not crying now.
Another story about my hubby I was reminded about the other day that I wanted to tell was last Halloween, he was working so he rode around in subdivisions and handed candy out to kids. One of the parents was apparently so shocked to see a cop out riding around and giving out candy that she took a picture of her kid with Trent.
After those 2 stories, Yet again I can say, MY HUBBY - MY HERO!!! I truly admire my wonderful husband. It makes me feel good to know he ain't a cop out there just cocky and thinks he can do what he wants just cause he is a cop. He is a cop out there truly in my opinion trying to help the community. I love to see him reach out to little kids and his interaction with them to try and help them.
Trent is getting low on stuffed animals again if anyone has some extras that you would be willing to spare.
I will say again that we have handled the negative result much MUCH better than I ever thought we would but I think its only natural to have weak moments and last night was one of those for me. I often think maybe I shouldn't blog the negative depressing things however, it is life and it is what is happening in our life. Also as someone else has said to me, "I know everyone wants to be a part of this journey with you so its a great way to keep everyone updated" I know people have been asking family how we are doing and I just find it easiest to update everyone here as sometimes it is difficult for me to actually talk about and I must say it did help me to feel much better last night after blogging and getting it out.
Anyways, to some POSITIVES.
*I don't know how many times I have said it but, IF it was possible to make me and Trent closer, infertility done it. We are so strong and so close. Our marriage will NEVER cease to amaze me.
*When you are put through life trials, it will bring out the true person in you, I believe with all my heart that this journey has made us bigger and better people for what we have been through and accomplished. (and still trying to accomplish as we go)
*It has brought us closer to God. Yes, we still question things but we KNOW Our God is in Control and has one heck of an amazing plan for our lives and our family.
*(WELL, I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT HERE. I think since November is Thanksgiving, at the beginning of November, I will give 1 thing daily that we are thankful and grateful for just to show that we truly are blessed and to bring some positivity)
I want to end with 2 stories of my hubby. The first being such a sweet story of my hubby and a little girl. Trent went to school with this woman who has a little 4 year old girl which was hating going to Pre K and crying each day when her mom dropped her off. Trent ran into the girl he went to school with a couple weeks ago and she asked Trent to come talk to her little girl and explain to her why it was a good thing to go to school. A couple nights later while Trent was working, he went to talk to the little girl. After he got done talking to her, he told her if she would promise to go to school and make new friends and like it that he had something for her. He took her out to his patrol car and gave her a stuffed animal. Later that night, the mom sent Trent 2 pictures. One of her with the stuffed animal and the second one of the little girl how she slept holding that stuffed animal that night. I just love how Trent gives out stuffed animals to the kids. I think it is so precious. Well, this week, the mom had sent me a message and wanted me to relay it to Trent that the little girl now wants Trent to come to her school and eat lunch with her because she has told all her friends at school about her friend Trent the cop. The mom also said she was doing much better in school and not crying now.
Another story about my hubby I was reminded about the other day that I wanted to tell was last Halloween, he was working so he rode around in subdivisions and handed candy out to kids. One of the parents was apparently so shocked to see a cop out riding around and giving out candy that she took a picture of her kid with Trent.
After those 2 stories, Yet again I can say, MY HUBBY - MY HERO!!! I truly admire my wonderful husband. It makes me feel good to know he ain't a cop out there just cocky and thinks he can do what he wants just cause he is a cop. He is a cop out there truly in my opinion trying to help the community. I love to see him reach out to little kids and his interaction with them to try and help them.
Trent is getting low on stuffed animals again if anyone has some extras that you would be willing to spare.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I need off of this Rollercoaster!
First of all, I want to start off with something that I found. I also want to apologize in advance for this blog as it is only depressing but tonight, I am really struggling with the Infertility Monster!
*I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.
*I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.
*I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.
*I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.
*I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"
*I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."
*I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."
*I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.
*I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"
*No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.
*But some days, I certainly feel like it...
*Praying for strength in the waiting.
Alright, now I guess on to the real blog. I feel like I am on a crazy rollercoaster. I am SICK AND TIRED of this ride and so ready to get off of it. I would like nothing more in this world than to make my WONDERFUL husband a DADDY. I have always my whole entire life imagined myself being a mommy however at this point in my life, I still have that strong desire to be a mommy but more than that, at this point, I don't even feel like it is about me. I feel like it is more about my husband. He has such an inspiring desire to be a daddy that I want nothing more than to make him that. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my hubby would be the best daddy I have EVER laid eyes upon.
This journey has been the absolute hardest thing that I have ever experienced. As we get ready to start another cycle of Clomid and another month of IUI, I absolutely dread what we are getting ready to face. I am not ready at all to go through all of this again. The 2WW was so difficult and I dread that part more than anything. I also dread the disappointing look on my poor husbands face to see a possibility of another negative. That look of him picking up and holding and staring so disappointingly and so intently at that negative pregnancy test for what seemed minutes. That look, I will NEVER forget. It hurts me so bad to see him hurt as he has such a desire for this and has been so positive and so supportive through it all. I feel my hubby is such an amazing man and deserves the world.
Christmas, Oh how I used to LOVE Christmas!!! Christmas has always been my favorite holiday until last year. We started trying in May 2009 to have a baby. 2009, 7 months later, not pregnant yet! 2010 still not pregnant! after 2 Christmas's passing us by and not having a baby or even better yet just being pregnant, I really thought 2011 would be difficult as this would be our 3rd Christmas with NO CHILD to celebrate it with. Last year was somewhat difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be. Well, 2012 could possibly make our 4th Christmas with no child. I can tell ya right now that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT looking forward to Christmas this year if we are still childless at that point. There is nothing more in this world that would make us happier than to be pregnant by Christmas. I am usually half way done shopping for Christmas by now but I have not bought not 1 thing for Christmas yet and to be quiet honest, I am not in the Christmas spirit at all and I don't even want to do gifts at all this year. I just don't feel it period.
PLEASE, No offense at all to anyone who has said this to us but Everyone keeps telling us, In God's timing!!!! WE KNOW THIS and have been saying this to ourselves!!! But quiet frankly, I am tired of hearing this. We do not understand Gods timing and I know, we aren't necessarily supposed to but this statement sure is not making things any easier. After 2 1/2 years, why is it not our time to be parents. I know a ton of people either pregnant or that have a child less than 2 months old. Seems it has been this way the entire time we have been trying to conceive. WHY is it there time and not ours? We have an EXCELLENT marriage, not rich by no means but not struggling either, not druggies, etc. What are we doing so wrong that we don't deserve a child? I pray to God everyday to bless us with a child and God's will be done but then I feel like I am begging God since I ask EVERY day. I feel like I am wrong for praying for a child everyday but ask and you shall receive right?
Please forgive me right now for the horribly depressing post as you can obviously tell I am feeling so very emotional and need to just let it all out. I just simply don't understand why this journey has been so horribly difficult for us when it comes so easy to others and better yet, those who pop them out left and right and don't deserve them at all.
*I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.
*I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.
*I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.
*I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.
*I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"
*I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."
*I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."
*I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.
*I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"
*No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.
*But some days, I certainly feel like it...
*Praying for strength in the waiting.
Alright, now I guess on to the real blog. I feel like I am on a crazy rollercoaster. I am SICK AND TIRED of this ride and so ready to get off of it. I would like nothing more in this world than to make my WONDERFUL husband a DADDY. I have always my whole entire life imagined myself being a mommy however at this point in my life, I still have that strong desire to be a mommy but more than that, at this point, I don't even feel like it is about me. I feel like it is more about my husband. He has such an inspiring desire to be a daddy that I want nothing more than to make him that. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my hubby would be the best daddy I have EVER laid eyes upon.
This journey has been the absolute hardest thing that I have ever experienced. As we get ready to start another cycle of Clomid and another month of IUI, I absolutely dread what we are getting ready to face. I am not ready at all to go through all of this again. The 2WW was so difficult and I dread that part more than anything. I also dread the disappointing look on my poor husbands face to see a possibility of another negative. That look of him picking up and holding and staring so disappointingly and so intently at that negative pregnancy test for what seemed minutes. That look, I will NEVER forget. It hurts me so bad to see him hurt as he has such a desire for this and has been so positive and so supportive through it all. I feel my hubby is such an amazing man and deserves the world.
Christmas, Oh how I used to LOVE Christmas!!! Christmas has always been my favorite holiday until last year. We started trying in May 2009 to have a baby. 2009, 7 months later, not pregnant yet! 2010 still not pregnant! after 2 Christmas's passing us by and not having a baby or even better yet just being pregnant, I really thought 2011 would be difficult as this would be our 3rd Christmas with NO CHILD to celebrate it with. Last year was somewhat difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be. Well, 2012 could possibly make our 4th Christmas with no child. I can tell ya right now that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT looking forward to Christmas this year if we are still childless at that point. There is nothing more in this world that would make us happier than to be pregnant by Christmas. I am usually half way done shopping for Christmas by now but I have not bought not 1 thing for Christmas yet and to be quiet honest, I am not in the Christmas spirit at all and I don't even want to do gifts at all this year. I just don't feel it period.
PLEASE, No offense at all to anyone who has said this to us but Everyone keeps telling us, In God's timing!!!! WE KNOW THIS and have been saying this to ourselves!!! But quiet frankly, I am tired of hearing this. We do not understand Gods timing and I know, we aren't necessarily supposed to but this statement sure is not making things any easier. After 2 1/2 years, why is it not our time to be parents. I know a ton of people either pregnant or that have a child less than 2 months old. Seems it has been this way the entire time we have been trying to conceive. WHY is it there time and not ours? We have an EXCELLENT marriage, not rich by no means but not struggling either, not druggies, etc. What are we doing so wrong that we don't deserve a child? I pray to God everyday to bless us with a child and God's will be done but then I feel like I am begging God since I ask EVERY day. I feel like I am wrong for praying for a child everyday but ask and you shall receive right?
Please forgive me right now for the horribly depressing post as you can obviously tell I am feeling so very emotional and need to just let it all out. I just simply don't understand why this journey has been so horribly difficult for us when it comes so easy to others and better yet, those who pop them out left and right and don't deserve them at all.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Here we go AGAIN!
Well, I figured I would give an update on our journey.
I will be starting back on Clomid this Thursday which will be CD3. Last time, we went in for our ultrasound to check the follicles on CD13 however this time, CD13 falls on Sunday therefore we will be going in this time on CD14 which will be on Monday 31st which is Halloween. If everything looks good that day, we will then return on Tuesday for the IUI. Trent loves Halloween and seeing kids dressed up and has ALWAYS said he wanted a spook baby. Well, instead of baby being born on or near Halloween, baby may be conceived a day after Halloween so it would still be a little spook lol.
Honestly, since getting the bad news of the last IUI failing, we have been doing pretty good. Even though it was very tough to get a negative, we took it very well and have handled it MUCH MUCH better than I ever thought we would.
Anyways, Just figured I would quickly update everyone on our new dates since the 1st IUI failed. We are praying that this next one works since we only have potentially 1 try left after this one.
I will be starting back on Clomid this Thursday which will be CD3. Last time, we went in for our ultrasound to check the follicles on CD13 however this time, CD13 falls on Sunday therefore we will be going in this time on CD14 which will be on Monday 31st which is Halloween. If everything looks good that day, we will then return on Tuesday for the IUI. Trent loves Halloween and seeing kids dressed up and has ALWAYS said he wanted a spook baby. Well, instead of baby being born on or near Halloween, baby may be conceived a day after Halloween so it would still be a little spook lol.
Honestly, since getting the bad news of the last IUI failing, we have been doing pretty good. Even though it was very tough to get a negative, we took it very well and have handled it MUCH MUCH better than I ever thought we would.
Anyways, Just figured I would quickly update everyone on our new dates since the 1st IUI failed. We are praying that this next one works since we only have potentially 1 try left after this one.
Friday, October 14, 2011
St. Louis - Cardinals NLCS - Update
WARNING: LOTS OF PICS
As I am sure everyone already knows, me and Trent LOVE to go to baseball games. Since ball is how we met, this is one thing that we totally enjoy together. Me nor Trent either one have ever been to a playoff game so several weeks ago, Trent said that if Cardinals or Braves made it to the playoffs that we would go. I never EVER believed we would actually go though because Trent is not spontaneous and can't do things at the last minute and also, don't want to spend the money.
Well, wouldn't you know, Cardinals (our favorite team in the National league) made it into the playoffs. On Saturday, Trent had mentioned going however he didn't sound too serious. Well, Sunday rolls around and when we get out of church, Trent talks about it coming home and to a HUGE surprise to me, he comes home and starts researching tickets and motel rooms and WE BOOKED IT RIGHT THEN. Trent is not spontaneous at all so it was VERY surprising that we actually got tickets because it was really pretty much spur of the moment since he had just briefly mentioned it.
We headed out on Wednesday, got there that night and came back on Friday morning so it was a very quick trip but MUCH needed. As I had already blogged about it, we knew we would be testing on Thursday and this could be a great celebration or a great thing to take our mind off of things and as it turns out, it was a WONDERFUL thing to help sidetrack our minds.
Anyways, here are some pictures from our quick getaway.
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| Coming into St Louis. Wish I would have thought to take a picture sooner because I could have gotten a really good one. |
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| Old Courthouse from our Motel Window. We also had a view of half of the arch from our room |
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| Blimp with City view from our window |
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| Fountain with Old Courthouse and Arch at night. |
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| Trent chilling on a bench. |
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| Me and my Trentie chilling downtown St Louis |
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| Sitting on the steps of the Old Courthouse with the Arch in the background |
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| Arch with the moon |
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| Seats from Scalper in 200 section |
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| During the game |
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| Our seats with city view |
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| Yep, thats right, we got to go to the Playoffs |
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| Field with Blimp and City View |
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| Blimp right over the Arch |
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| Me and Trentie at the game with City view |
Now, for a couple more details on our journey, some people keep wondering if we tested too early. No, I have not started yet and yes, I personally feel that we did test at least 1 day early if not 2 days early however, we DID test on the day that the doctors office told us to. Even though I have not started yet, I do think I can feel it coming on therefore, I am still not getting my hopes up that it could possibly be a false negative or that I tested too early. If we are pregnant, then it will just be all that more wonderful and a great surprise but for now, we are just preparing ourselves for another round of it all. If I have not started by probably Sunday or Monday, I will test again. Otherwise, once I do start, we will be starting the whole process over again with meds, ultrasounds, and IUI. I know several people are hoping along with us that we just tested too early however like I said, I REALLY DO NOT feel like this is the case. I figured I would update everyone so that anyone wondering would know exactly where we are in everything.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My Poor Poor Trentie!
God bless my sweet little hubby for having to deal with me. These past 2 weeks have been so tough as I mentioned in the previous blog. Trent is so strong and so positive even though he is very anxious. Me on the other hand, I try to be strong but I am feeling more and more weak and like a crazy person and bless his heart for having to listen to me whining. I don't like to whine to him though cause I don't want to drag him down with me when he still has such a positive outlook. I will say, I am proud of myself because I have only cried 2 or 3 times during the past 2 weeks over it however it wasn't real cry, just a few tears fell and then I was done. Well, tonight, all I can say is bless his heart. While at work, I had started feeling like it was about that time of the month for me. I am not really crampy however, I just kinda feel like it is coming on. I had already started getting a little emotional over it and a few tears fell. After that, I had talked to him on the phone and he started saying something and SNAP. Yep, that is what I done completely out of no where and FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I IMMEDIATELY realized what I had done and burst out into a big ball of tears because I had felt so horrible and so guilty for snapping on him for no good reason like that out of no where. Well obviously when I had busted out in tears the way I did, he wondered what was wrong and I had to apologize 100 times because I felt so guilty and then I had explained what was wrong. Bless his heart. Poor poor thing for having to put up with me.
Anyways, in all of that being said, I am going crazier and crazier by the day as we are quickly approaching the day for us to test. We honestly thought that our 2WW would drag by however, it has honestly flown by. I pray that my feelings earlier were just simply feelings. I can not imagine us having to go back through all of this again. I am so emotional right now and I am so done with it all. Thank God I have Trent to keep me going cause earlier I was honestly feeling on the brink of giving up. I know that we can not give up and Trent WILL NOT let that happen but this is all just so very difficult.
I am so ready for Thursday to hurry up and come and go and for whatever is going to happen to happen so that we can just move on and plan for our next step whether that be going through pregnancy with our bundle of joy or go back through another round of this IUI which might totally drive me to the Insane Asylum. And if we have to go through another round of IUI, you all better be praying heavily for Trent. lol.
Anyways, in all of that being said, I am going crazier and crazier by the day as we are quickly approaching the day for us to test. We honestly thought that our 2WW would drag by however, it has honestly flown by. I pray that my feelings earlier were just simply feelings. I can not imagine us having to go back through all of this again. I am so emotional right now and I am so done with it all. Thank God I have Trent to keep me going cause earlier I was honestly feeling on the brink of giving up. I know that we can not give up and Trent WILL NOT let that happen but this is all just so very difficult.
I am so ready for Thursday to hurry up and come and go and for whatever is going to happen to happen so that we can just move on and plan for our next step whether that be going through pregnancy with our bundle of joy or go back through another round of this IUI which might totally drive me to the Insane Asylum. And if we have to go through another round of IUI, you all better be praying heavily for Trent. lol.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
2WW Emotions
2WW stands for 2 Week Wait. I had no clue what all this meant until we started going through infertility. Obviously, it just means we are in a 2 week wait after procedure to actually find out if procedure worked or not.
This 2WW has been filled with tons of emotions. Happy, sad, positive, negative, scared, nervous, anxious. Geez, the list could go on and on. Who ever knew someone could have so many emotions ALL AT ONE TIME!
For the most part, it has not been too bad but on the days that are bad, they are bad, my mind goes wild with emotions on those days. Today has been one of those days that is not horrible but my mind has wondered some. They told us to test on Thursday the 13th but I am almost scared to the point that I don't know if we will test then or not. Sometimes, I feel that I am so strong for going through everything we have went through but sometimes, I feel like I am the weakest person ever.
Anyways, enough rambling about all the emotions of it. We are SO EXCITED. We are leaving Wednesday to go to St Louis so we can watch the Cardinals in playoffs. This will be a great thing to help us during this tough time. If we do test when they told us to, we will be testing while in St Louis which will be good because if we are PREGNANT, we will have a super stupendous time and get to celebrate it in St Louis and at the Cardinals game Thursday night. If we are not pregnant, it will be a good thing to help us just be away and something to try to take our mind off of it a little.
Wow, this is one heck of a scary week. I am so scared of testing!!! Since we are Not knowing if we are going to test when they told us to, don't expect an answer on Thursday. Who knows when it will be. I just want nothing more than to make my dear hubby a daddy as I know he will be the absolute best father in the whole world. Ok, maybe I am a little biased because he is my hubby and I know what we have been through but I truly do believe he will be the best ever.
I hope everyone else is doing GREAT!!!
This 2WW has been filled with tons of emotions. Happy, sad, positive, negative, scared, nervous, anxious. Geez, the list could go on and on. Who ever knew someone could have so many emotions ALL AT ONE TIME!
For the most part, it has not been too bad but on the days that are bad, they are bad, my mind goes wild with emotions on those days. Today has been one of those days that is not horrible but my mind has wondered some. They told us to test on Thursday the 13th but I am almost scared to the point that I don't know if we will test then or not. Sometimes, I feel that I am so strong for going through everything we have went through but sometimes, I feel like I am the weakest person ever.
Anyways, enough rambling about all the emotions of it. We are SO EXCITED. We are leaving Wednesday to go to St Louis so we can watch the Cardinals in playoffs. This will be a great thing to help us during this tough time. If we do test when they told us to, we will be testing while in St Louis which will be good because if we are PREGNANT, we will have a super stupendous time and get to celebrate it in St Louis and at the Cardinals game Thursday night. If we are not pregnant, it will be a good thing to help us just be away and something to try to take our mind off of it a little.
Wow, this is one heck of a scary week. I am so scared of testing!!! Since we are Not knowing if we are going to test when they told us to, don't expect an answer on Thursday. Who knows when it will be. I just want nothing more than to make my dear hubby a daddy as I know he will be the absolute best father in the whole world. Ok, maybe I am a little biased because he is my hubby and I know what we have been through but I truly do believe he will be the best ever.
I hope everyone else is doing GREAT!!!
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