I need off of this Rollercoaster!

First of all, I want to start off with something that I found.  I also want to apologize in advance for this blog as it is only depressing but tonight, I am really struggling with the Infertility Monster!

*I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.
*I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.
*I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.
*I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.
*I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"
*I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."
*I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."
*I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.
*I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"
*No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.
*But some days, I certainly feel like it...
*Praying for strength in the waiting.

Alright, now I guess on to the real blog.  I feel like I am on a crazy rollercoaster.  I am SICK AND TIRED of this ride and so ready to get off of it.  I would like nothing more in this world than to make my WONDERFUL husband a DADDY.  I have always my whole entire life imagined myself being a mommy however at this point in my life, I still have that strong desire to be a mommy but more than that, at this point, I don't even feel like it is about me.  I feel like it is more about my husband.  He has such an inspiring desire to be a daddy that I want nothing more than to make him that.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my hubby would be the best daddy I have EVER laid eyes upon. 

This journey has been the absolute hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  As we get ready to start another cycle of Clomid and another month of IUI, I absolutely dread what we are getting ready to face.  I am not ready at all to go through all of this again.  The 2WW was so difficult and I dread that part more than anything.  I also dread the disappointing look on my poor husbands face to see a possibility of another negative.  That look of him picking up and holding and staring so disappointingly and so intently at that negative pregnancy test for what seemed minutes.  That look, I will NEVER forget.  It hurts me so bad to see him hurt as he has such a desire for this and has been so positive and so supportive through it all.  I feel my hubby is such an amazing man and deserves the world.

Christmas, Oh how I used to LOVE Christmas!!!  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday until last year.  We started trying in May 2009 to have a baby.  2009, 7 months later, not pregnant yet! 2010 still not pregnant!  after 2 Christmas's passing us by and not having a baby or even better yet just being pregnant, I really thought 2011 would be difficult as this would be our 3rd Christmas with NO CHILD to celebrate it with.  Last year was somewhat difficult but not as difficult as I thought it would be.  Well, 2012 could possibly make our 4th Christmas with no child.  I can tell ya right now that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT looking forward to Christmas this year if we are still childless at that point.  There is nothing more in this world that would make us happier than to be pregnant by Christmas.  I am usually half way done shopping for Christmas by now but I have not bought not 1 thing for Christmas yet and to be quiet honest, I am not in the Christmas spirit at all and I don't even want to do gifts at all this year.  I just don't feel it period. 

PLEASE, No offense at all to anyone who has said this to us but Everyone keeps telling us, In God's timing!!!!  WE KNOW THIS and have been saying this to ourselves!!!  But quiet frankly, I am tired of hearing this.  We do not understand Gods timing and I know, we aren't necessarily supposed to but this statement sure is not making things any easier.  After 2 1/2 years, why is it not our time to be parents.  I know a ton of people either pregnant or that have a child less than 2 months old.  Seems it has been this way the entire time we have been trying to conceive.  WHY is it there time and not ours?  We have an EXCELLENT marriage, not rich by no means but not struggling either, not druggies, etc.  What are we doing so wrong that we don't deserve a child?  I pray to God everyday to bless us with a child and God's will be done but then I feel like I am begging God since I ask EVERY day.  I feel like I am wrong for praying for a child everyday but ask and you shall receive right?

Please forgive me right now for the horribly depressing post as you can obviously tell I am feeling so very emotional and need to just let it all out.  I just simply don't understand why this journey has been so horribly difficult for us when it comes so easy to others and better yet, those who pop them out left and right and don't deserve them at all.