Yesterday I had to go to Hobby Lobby for something. While I was there, I was looking to see if they had any new Police Ornaments that we don't have. While looking, I saw an ornament that said #1 Dad. Tears immediately begin to fill my eyes. It just made me horribly sad to think of how wonderful of a dad Trent would make and we can't have kids. It makes me wonder if I will ever get over the sadness when I see things like this. Of course if we ever get blessed with a child, the sadness of these things will go away but if we never have a child, will I always be saddened by something that says, dad, #1 dad, mom, family, grandparents, etc? It is still so hard for me to understand why we are having to go through this trial in life. I know we all have our trials and ask why but for the life of me, I will never understand why we have been cursed with infertility.
Two weeks ago, I had to take my wedding ring set to have it re sized because as I continue to get fatter and fatter, my ring continues to smaller and smaller. I had already gained weight before all of this fertility mess but if I am remembering my weight correctly a year ago when we started all of this fertility med stuff, I was pretty stable at one weight and have gained approx 15 lbs over just the past year. And not to mention I hear injections make you gain weight worse than the pills. Come on, just make me pregnant and you won't hear me complain not the first time about being fat. Anyways, sorry, got off on a tangent there. I got the call yesterday that my ring was ready to be picked up so today I went to get it. My ring came from Zales which is in the mall at Cool Springs. This morning I begged Trent to take off work today so he could spend the day with me. I really miss him since he has went to nights but oh well that's life I guess. I also wanted him to be able to go with me to get my ring and thought we could do a little Christmas shopping while we were there. Nope no such luck. Couldn't talk him into it. Well, wouldn't you know as soon as I walk into the mall, I see a cute little double stroller with twins. Ugh, so not fair. Twins is exactly what we want and pray for. Yeah, I must add that the mall is absolutely not the place for an infertile to be. Especially if you are alone. Not long after I saw the twins, I saw a HUGE pregnant lady waddling into Motherhood Maternity. Ugh, so not fair. Why can't I be waddling up in there. I decided to go ahead and wonder around for a little bit and get a little bit of Christmas shopping done and as I wondered around the mall all lonely, I see 2 different men alone with their babies and it just made sadness consume me as I know that would be Trent. He would absolutely be that dad taking care of the kids while the mom is off shopping and doing whatever. Then I saw a ton of families with their children. I laughed as I said I was doing some retail therapy. It was nice. I was doing retail therapy and not even spending money on myself. I bought one thing for myself and that was a Faith, Love and Hope charm from Pandora. When I dropped my ring off two weeks ago, I bought me a Pandora bracelet to fill up. I already know all the charms I want on it. I created the full thing online and I can't wait to get it filled up. So far, all I have is a softball and the Faith Love and Hope charms.
Here is the Pandora Bracelet I have created online of all the charms I want. I didn't want all the colorful charms and such. I just want all charms that say something about me. The picture isn't the best quality because I took a picture of the computer screen from my phone but you will get the point of it.
From left to right:
Plain Clip (holds the charms on that end)
Camera (I love to take pictures)
Airplane (Me and Trent love to travel)
Cruise ship (We LOVE to cruise)
Clip (holds the charms in place)
H (Obviously for Haddock)
Journey (Obviously to stand for our Infertility Journey and hope for a child)
My Birthstone
Trent's birthstone
Everlasting Love (me and Trent have everlasting love)
Softball (How me and Trent met and we love to go to Baseball games)
Clip (holds charms in place)
Inner strength (I have to remind myself to keep inner strength to pull through this journey)
Faith, Love, and Hope (another reminder of our journey and the faith we have to pull through it)
Heart with a Diamond in it (Kellen's birthstone is Diamond so I want this because she is Nay Nay's little girl)
Clip (holds the charms on that end)
Anyways, I just felt the need to blog about my Infertile Christmas sadness as it seems everywhere I go, it surrounds me.
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